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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Moldie Daters growing, gaining wisdom, strength and insights, delivering truth kindly, yoga, meditation, hypnosis, self-help books, netflix recommendations, quick outfit checks & more

518 replies

314dPiper · 23/08/2016 13:05

Here we go!

Let the wisdom commence
The universe is in our favour!

OP posts:
PuffPastry314 · 11/09/2016 20:52

They would challenge you. My brother was going on about ipv6 internet exchanges or something and fibre optic cables and they nod and smile and hang on his every word. I mention a bit of mood-lifting hypnosis and they smirk.

I think it's ok to go on a second date when you're not sure. I know this is nice girl syndrome coming out but I do feel that a third date when you're not sure is pushing it. But a second is definitely fine.

The most traumatic breakup I ever had was a short relationship. It was because it had been so happy that its end hit me so hard. People have no right to judge, but they do.....

Anyway, breath in, breath out.......

WavingNotDrowning · 11/09/2016 21:30

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PuffPastry314 · 11/09/2016 21:34

well having NOBODY to confide in did not speed my recovery up I am certain of that. I was dumped in November, I tried to ''give my head a wobble'' and I went in to work and I came home and I became quieter and quieter and I ended up on anti-depressants in Feberuary of the next which made me feel a little better. I was thinner than I'd ever been and in August ... i met my x (kids' dad). I cried on our second or third date I think. So my self-esteem STILL wasn't right. A normal man would have run a mile but my x was massively excited by my vulnerability and low self-esteem.

The reason it was so painful was because it felt so right, for its duration. Then bam, it was all over, because the ''implied commitment'' of having been together for 5 months.

PuffPastry314 · 11/09/2016 21:36

Having a place to spill out all of my unhappy confusion could have protected me from ending up with kids' dad. I could have run some of his behaviour past yall and you would all have said ''no!, have therapy'

PuffPastry314 · 11/09/2016 21:40

Yeh, go along with the dates for as long as it's fun and then .......... don't.

I'm chatting with a couple of people atm but not sure I can be arsed making arrangements to meet up. But neither of them has mentioned it so for now, I'm just chatting. One is good to chat to, teacher by day, delusions of being a writer at night. Three books completed he told me. Unpublished. Bless. He's articulate and chatty though.

WavingNotDrowning · 11/09/2016 21:50

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i8E314 · 12/09/2016 07:18

yes, he did abandon you at a very vulnerable time. That was not his finest hour. He is not worthy of you. It's horrible to feel so let down and betrayed though.

Glad you ended up feeling satisfied last night!

I listened to the positive thinking again last night. I needed it more than the motivation one last night. Off to make sandwiches now!

ocelot7 · 12/09/2016 10:40

Hugs to 314 & Waving
I'm away for a conference so not around much

Yeah M broke my heart like never before &, though I'm older & wiser in every way than at the times of previous breakups, it was the hardest ever to cope with...maybe its the time of life & sense of mortality I don't know...I don't wish a midlife breakup on anyone...

Was just thinking that Succ could be yr mother 314 with all that #pullyourselftogether 'wisdom' Grin

WavingNotDrowning · 12/09/2016 10:55

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ocelot7 · 12/09/2016 11:26

Waving You own those streets but you decide when you want to vary the route :)

it took ages! I persevered because there was something about him - kindness I guess...other people pointed out stuff like 'wow- he drove all that way (200 miles each way!) just to spend a day with you' but I wasn't having any of it for the longest time. Managed not to run away though felt panicked that they say all that nice stuff then when you reciprocate & care even a bit & they dump you(!) Thx M ! Then I began to enjoy his company, laugh together & miss him a bit inbetween...now I feel pretty fond of him but still scared inside... And sometimes like its not me with this lovely, kind, attentive man but a movie I'm watching! Confused

i8E314 · 12/09/2016 11:30

oh yes, linkedIn chases up rejections!!! it doesn't get the message!

For the best to change your route for now because at least it removes the stress of maybe seeing him and then if you do, assessing how it's perceived. Your patch I know but he will mvoe on eventually and you'll get your route back.

ocelot yesterday my mother was recycling some story about a woman we've all known for 30+ years who was not rude imo but assertive to my mother. It wasn't personal, it was just an unapologetic 'no' to a request my mother made to her.

My mother and father never acknowledge what I say to them. And for 30+ years I've been listening to my Mum bring out the same stories and I sympathised every time. So yesterday I said to her ''she wasn't rude to you, she was entitled to say no. She was assertive maintaining her boundaries''. I know my mother is just thinking ''what the 5uck has got in to her? But it's so unfair.

And the week before my Dad was mentioning an exchange he'd had with somebody and he'd felt that the man was capitalising on the fact that he had my Dad over a barrel (that was open to interpretation) but at the time, I'd given my Dad the benefit of the doubt and sympathised. If he ever recycles that story again I'm going to give it to him both barrrels that he is being ''paranoid'' and ''too sensitive'' because if they can't do me the courtesy of acknowledging the very real hurts they've put on me (and our relatives, and their defending the relatives who hurt me and calling me paranoid and sensitive etc) then fucking damned if I am going to sympathise over and over and over and over again while they recycle their poor me stories about people who mean nothing to us, not even family!!!!! the people whose comments left me smarting and feeling judged were aunts, uncles, themselves.................

and time for a cup of tea now.

WavingNotDrowning · 12/09/2016 11:32

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WavingNotDrowning · 12/09/2016 11:34

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i8E314 · 12/09/2016 12:28

I will try waving. I used to have to go to lunch every sunday but i've cut it to once a month and they come to me once a month so we both get two sundays 'off' now. i prefer this but even though I've talked her through it about 5 times now, i still get asked '''so will we see you next week?!" and when I say no, in two weeks, they look put out. Again.
I don't want to cut them off. I just want them to give me a tiny bit of respect. A TINY bit.

I am only in the process of modifying some of the behaviours (of mine) that used to invite them to have so many opinions. I used to look for their approval on everything and they can see on some level that something has changed but my mum thinks it's the menopause and she keeps asking me if I'm going through the menopause. I'm not, I don't think. Peri menopause probably, shorter cycle. But omg Angry that's so rude. You

And it's dating that made me research attachment styles and that made me think of my parents' parenting of me and the dynamic we have, and that made me stop looking for their approval and start trying to put up a few boundaries. so it's all going in the right direction. This thread helps me 'pin' it altogether. I don't know if I'd have had the realisations I've had if it weren't for the thread and the diarising. (sp) journaling.

WavingNotDrowning · 12/09/2016 22:50

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ocelot7 · 12/09/2016 23:26

Late finish then Caribbean supper with my friend of 35 years who I'm staying with...

Waving there was only a moment when i was leaving the first meeting when I thought I could fancy him...but he wasn't repellent or anything! :)

314 Yr doing grand with those parents of yrs :) koko

WavingNotDrowning · 13/09/2016 08:26

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SortingStuffStill · 13/09/2016 08:53

Morning. Interesting reading about family of origin dynamics and their effects on relationships, similar here. At least we have awareness, I guess.

Early days with MrE but getting quite full on, never expected that at the beginning and not sure what I can handle but am falling, falling. MrD not interested but we've been messaging loads as friends really, he updates me on his antics, he's very entertaining and erudite - don't mind, thought could be friends/Fwb if I could handle it but then he sent me a message yesterdayt of the blue calling me a "horny bitch" in need of a seeing to basically Shock ... Deleted entire messages thread and might block him. Don't like that at all to put it mildly.

Saw MrM at weekend, he's lovely, v tall v clever, amazing stories to tell but seems a bit messed up from his own family and not sure want to go there. And didn't want a kiss goodnight even at end of date 3! Hmm Also MrE hinted again at being exclusive so am thinking I should now so will probably cancel date with mrT next weekend. Can't have my cake and eat it I guess. Not fair on anyone, including me.

SortingStuffStill · 13/09/2016 08:55

Meant saw MrT at weekend. No MrM - 3 irons been more than enough to handle! Just 2. Now really. So much for American style dating.

i8E314 · 13/09/2016 09:23
Brew

Mapmyrun mightnt be as good waving but i use it. Im not sharing info with anybody. It's just for my own use.

Going to wander up and down the main shopping streets in town and douse myself in joe malone and eat coffee and cake - while i still can!

SortingStuffStill · 13/09/2016 09:31

Morning, agree would change to mapmyrun

Any thoughts on the message I received? Think yikes amd yuck and was out of the blue/character for him. Or maybe not Sad

Also anyone else feel they fall too soon, too deeply? I know Waving you said this and feel it hard re your recent guy.

i8E314 · 13/09/2016 12:10

I wouldmt like it. Maybe im a prude but i always think excuse me why would you think you could talk to me like im working in the sex industry. I dont enjoy it?
Msg asked me if he could talk dirty to me. Im so glad i said no to that. I feel soiled thinking about that ludocrous underwear i wore. I should have stuck to my guns and said "no, stella mcCartney underwear or fuck off pervert".
Annoyed with myself that my bar plummeted.
ah well fekk it. I was just looking at mulberry coats. Holy moly. I stroked them and purred while sales assistants sized me but with smiles still stapled on.
As if i would have felt sexy in crappy tarty cheap underwear!! I was only ever going to feel sexy in beautifully designed feminine underwear such as stella.
never again am i going to pander to a pervert.
yuck.
i do not miss that disgusting man at all.
Shudder.

WavingNotDrowning · 13/09/2016 12:12

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i8E314 · 13/09/2016 12:13

Ps i did not buy a mulberry coat btw.

But if you think that that is 40 nights out paying a babysitter i wonder if id rather have a bf or a mulberry coat.

Slim pickings out there wrt men.

WavingNotDrowning · 13/09/2016 12:13

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