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Original poster

Dh thinks I'm an alcoholic. I don't.

319 replies

LumpyMcBentface · 22/08/2016 17:04

I do like a drink. But it's become a major issue lately.

Bit of background. I have bipolar and have run up a fair whack of debt. So now I have no access to cash or cards and Dh holds the purse strings.

I have to ask to buy stuff and he will agree if he thinks it's ok. But he has become really strict about alcohol.

We've always been big drinkers, Friday nights have always been our night to drink and be merry. But I also like to have up to a bottle of wine midweek when he goes out for the evening, and sometimes it's nice to have a few drinks with Sunday lunch etc.

Dh has put a stop to that and I have to really convince him that it's fine for me to have a drink any other day than Friday. We went out yesterday for a day out, and I drank wine in the sunshine. He has kicked off at me just now that that was inappropriate and I am an alcoholic.

My family are all quite big drinkers and wine is part of all our get togethers, so to me a family day out in the park, with a picnic, is a chance for the mum to kick back with a cold glass while the dad plays football with the kids. But not according to Dh, it's a symptom of my alcoholism and shows that I have no idea what is and isn't appropriate drinking.

I love him very much and if not drinking at all is what it takes to make him happy then I will, but to me having a few glasses of wine is one of my few 'hobbies' if that makes sense. I don't really go out and see friends or have any actual hobbies (mainly due to my mh) and I just don't really see what the problem is. I would understand if I was a slurring aggressive mess but I'm really not, I just get happy and chatty.

Anyway, this is getting quite long so I'll leave it there for now, but I wondered what others would think. Do I have a raging drinking problem that I'm in denial about or has its just become this huge issue for no reason?

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 22/08/2016 19:10

I'd say don't be too hard on your DH Lumpy, he loves you very much and only wants for you to be well and happy again.x

Original poster
LumpyMcBentface · 22/08/2016 19:11

I can do not drinking. I actually spent a year teetotal a few years ago. I went back to it because I didn't feel any better, healthier or different. Apart from the money saved it just seemed pointless to give up something I enjoyed.

OP posts:
IzzyIsBusy · 22/08/2016 19:11

If i let them my DC would go through 4 pints a day.
We live on a budget so i control how much milk they drink. That doesnt make me a bad parent.
The OP has admitted running up big debts which her DH is paying off as well as managing the family budget and supporting the OP plus tbe children. I think he is under a hell of alot of pressure. SEVERAL suicide attempts in 2 years must be a lot for him to cope with on top of everything else.

I think people sometimes forget how mh affects others in the family not just the one who is ill.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/08/2016 19:12

Lumpy... I think you need to be more clear about what you're saying when you refer to your husband being 'controlling' because the mlik thing seems to be a bit of a red herring. It's irritating to keep running out of milk and perhaps that is what the issue is rather than that the kids should be drinking less of it. Which is it?

HackAttack · 22/08/2016 19:14

Surely if you've already damaged family finances you should be making an effort not demanding treats. Not really taking responsibility!!

Original poster
LumpyMcBentface · 22/08/2016 19:16

I dunno. We're not going through any more milk than we ever have, but now I can't just nip out and get it (not just because of no cash, the nearest shop is a drive away) and he has to, he's started making a bit of an issue over how much we use.

It's just that we've done a complete 180 recently. I used to deal with all the money, food shopping, decisions. He now does it all and can get quite nit picky about it.

I think I'm just quite irritable today though and looking too deeply into stuff.

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 22/08/2016 19:16

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating.

Do you think your DH is controlling you or micro-managing? In my mind, they're quite different. Could you DH have just got things out of balance?

If you have MH issues is your DH trying to minimise possible triggers?

Is it possible that your DH sees this as 'the thin end of a wedge' and fears your drinking might escalate?

Given that you are at an impasse is there a middle ground that you could see yourself agreeing to? E.g. There are 3 bottles bought on a Saturday and no more till the following week?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/08/2016 19:16

If budget is an issue at the moment enough that milk requirements are rationed then hell yes, you can cut down to TWO chav mags a week... Shock

Really, Lumpy? Do you actually know what the weekly budget is for your family's food/milk, etc.? I know it seems like all the concessions have to come from you but well, they do really. Think about the situation your family is in, it's not forever but for now, belts are tighter and that means for you as well.

LadyPenelope68 · 22/08/2016 19:16

That does sound excessive, and your description of a trip to the park with a picnic and taking a bottle of wine for me highlights a "need" to drink. Most people wouldn't even think of taking wine on a trip like that.

BishopBrennansArse · 22/08/2016 19:18

Think the mag thing is just not comprehending how utterly shit it is to be stuck in one place with the inability to get anywhere (no car) and being bored out of your skull to be honest.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 22/08/2016 19:18

Perhaps its not the cost issue with the cheap chav mags, just that seriously no one needs to read four of them every week! And tbh they make for very grim reading.

BishopBrennansArse · 22/08/2016 19:20

Actually would it be worth applying for a bus pass? The PIP would entitle you and you'd feel less stuck?

Original poster
LumpyMcBentface · 22/08/2016 19:22

I am getting a bus pass, just need to print out some forms and send them off.

The chav mags are great for me as they only take about an hour or so to read all four and do some easy puzzles, it's mindless relaxation.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/08/2016 19:22

I can understand you being a bit resentful Lumpy and I really admire you for the way you're answering questions being asked of you.

You say that you're not allowed to go out and get the milk but you can't drive as you have no licence and would you honestly cope with handling cash/card for milk or other family essentials? How else would you get there, beside anything else?

I bet that your husband has read up everything he can about your condition, the drugs that you're taking for it... and the affects of alcohol on you. :(

Really do consider having a very open and honest discussion with him and get him on your team, he's always been on it that I can see, but not so you've noticed him there 'on the bench'.

Fannyupcrutch · 22/08/2016 19:22

yeoldma I am very sorry for your loss, its always tragic when a person dies before their time.

All I was trying to say is that people with mental health issues, specifically bipolar, often feel they spend their entire lives trying to conform to what normal people consider as suitable. But in reality, we may never achieve that. Yes, drinking comes with side effects, self medication isn't perfect etc. But in reality, when I am on a relatively even keel, drinking doesn't really do me any harm. Its a damn less harmful than the massive dose of Lithium I was on. Sometimes I may over do it. Sometimes I may spend too much.

My OH will often raise concerns if I am showing signs of mania or depression, and if I don't take note then he will call in the crisis team. I would like to think the OP and indeed myself would have people that loved us that would call the crisis tam in, in an emergency.......but the OP seems to be describing her NORMAL DAY TO DAY LIFE. Yes its not the same as yours, or mick/Julie down the road. It may not fit into the Governments guidelines on how to live but the simple truth is that bipolar people are often square pegs that will never fit into round holes. I need a different set of boundaries for certain areas of my life or I am miserable. I cant do routine. And I cant do alcohol free, but I am not an alcoholic by a long shot. And as long as I am not breaking the law, then that should be fine if it works for me and my family.

OP, I think you do need to involve the CPN more, set it into motion that if your OH is seriously worried then he contacts them. Its not his job to be judge and jury and it is very easy for the caring to slowly become controlling. We aren't children. Concern is fine, but if he is that worried he should be calling in the medical team.

FaithAscending · 22/08/2016 19:23

I'm sorry you're in this position Lumpy. It must be tough on all of you.

I'm curious - Have you ever suggested that you and your DH stop drinking together? How does that go down? You say he drinks as much, if not more, than you, if that's the case surely he has a problem too? You could save a fortune if you both stopped drinking.

Fwiw I don't have the same MH as you but I do have anxiety issues and drank a lot in the past (in retrospect, self-medicating). I realised my drinking was spiralling (drinking on my own a lot, losing control when I did drink) and I decided to quit for a year. It really did help me realise how dependent I had been on alcohol. Now I do drink but only occasionally and I rarely drink excessively. (I also saved loads of money). It's definitely worth doing to gain perspective on alcohol.

HackAttack · 22/08/2016 19:26

So basically you do as you please, he pays for it and organises everything?! Your dh is a mug.

Original poster
LumpyMcBentface · 22/08/2016 19:26

Dh would give up alcohol easily. He only drinks with me on a Friday because that's our thing. When I had my teetotal year he didn't drink either.

I think I'm going to have a couple of weeks off and go from there.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 22/08/2016 19:27

Lumpy Am addicted to those, too! They don't exactly paint a portrayal of all life's wondrous possibilities!

I actually got a diagnosis of depression and anxiety in my sober years, and it was almost a relief as it helped to explain why I had become so dependent in the first place.

LumpyMcBentface · 22/08/2016 19:27

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ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 22/08/2016 19:28

Hack. Was that tough love?! Or just rather unhelpful?

QuimReaper · 22/08/2016 19:29

Just wanted to say I think you're handling this admirably OP.

FWIW I don't think you sound like "an alcoholic" but as others have rightly pointed out, it isn't really for a forum to decide.

Does your husband know milk can be frozen?! Confused

FrancisCrawford · 22/08/2016 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

erinaceus · 22/08/2016 19:30

LumpyMcBentface

My DF used to drink in the way you describe your family drinking until - as far as I understand it - he realised what he was doing and the effect it was having, in particular on my DM and on his relationship with her. This realization was dramatic and not easy for anyone in the family. We all went sober for a while and when we are together we are essentially a sober family. DF sought help for his drinking and now copes and celebrates in different ways. Whenever anyone tells me that people can't change, I think of my DF. It took an enormous amount of courage and humility to do what he did, and he had neither financial problems nor a diagnosis of bipolar disorder to contend with, although he did have a lot on his plate. I was not that close to my DF at the time but my understanding is that it took a lot of support for him to get sober. You have a lot on your plate. Be gentle on yourself Flowers

reelingintheyears · 22/08/2016 19:30

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