Dh thinks I'm an alcoholic. I don't.

[LumpyMcBentface]

I do like a drink. But it's become a major issue lately.

Bit of background. I have bipolar and have run up a fair whack of debt. So now I have no access to cash or cards and Dh holds the purse strings.

I have to ask to buy stuff and he will agree if he thinks it's ok. But he has become really strict about alcohol.

We've always been big drinkers, Friday nights have always been our night to drink and be merry. But I also like to have up to a bottle of wine midweek when he goes out for the evening, and sometimes it's nice to have a few drinks with Sunday lunch etc.

Dh has put a stop to that and I have to really convince him that it's fine for me to have a drink any other day than Friday. We went out yesterday for a day out, and I drank wine in the sunshine. He has kicked off at me just now that that was inappropriate and I am an alcoholic.

My family are all quite big drinkers and wine is part of all our get togethers, so to me a family day out in the park, with a picnic, is a chance for the mum to kick back with a cold glass while the dad plays football with the kids. But not according to Dh, it's a symptom of my alcoholism and shows that I have no idea what is and isn't appropriate drinking.

I love him very much and if not drinking at all is what it takes to make him happy then I will, but to me having a few glasses of wine is one of my few 'hobbies' if that makes sense. I don't really go out and see friends or have any actual hobbies (mainly due to my mh) and I just don't really see what the problem is. I would understand if I was a slurring aggressive mess but I'm really not, I just get happy and chatty.

Anyway, this is getting quite long so I'll leave it there for now, but I wondered what others would think. Do I have a raging drinking problem that I'm in denial about or has its just become this huge issue for no reason?

[PortiaCastis]

You'll be fine OP. Please read my posts if you haven't already.I hope you will find them helpful

[PortiaCastis]

[Kittencatkins123]

Can everyone stop playing effing Guess Who?

Hope you're okay OP

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Lumpy
That sounds like a really positive plan.

Good luck.

[Bestofthebest]

I have been through periods of drinking a similar amount and asked myself the same question. I would agree you drink excessively but are probably not an alcoholic. It would be quite nice if you could continue drinking without worrying if you have a problem and several solutions have been suggested. Try a week where instead of wine you make yourself absolutely lovely food and desserts eg chocolate. Then maybe a week with Loxley cordial soft drinks. If you can do a month ok I think we can reasonably say you are not an addict. I would then think about if and how you reintroduce drink into your life. 14 units is maybe a little over a 14% bottle a week or if you drink beer maybe 5 pints a week. One pint a night might be the way forward. I reckon wine is MUCH more dangerous than beer in terms of piling up the units being 2-3 times as strong. Best if luck

[LumpyMcBentface]

We've had a big chat this afternoon. I'm not drinking at all this week. Next week we'll have our Friday night drinks and date night as usual but that's my only drinking night.

Dh is going to save the money we'll save in a separate pot and we'll use it to do fun stuff with the kids at the weekends, so there's a tangible 'reward'.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I don't think Lumpy drinks enough to need managed withdrawal.

Good luck with it all Lumpy, I really mean it .

Support can mean enabling sometimes.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Its up to you to judge what works best for you. My only concern was, if you were drinking very regularly then, sudden withdrawal can cause withdrawal symptoms and mood changes. However, if you are only drinking every few days anyway then I assume you wouldn't have the same withdrawal issues.

I gave up drinking a number of years ago because it made me feel like crap. I enjoyed going out for a drink with my friends but the next day it was like I'd been poisoned. The cost of drinking started to outweigh any pleasures or benefits I got from it.

[JsOtherHalf]

( As an aside, would it be possible for you to get the readly app to read your magazines? It would work out cheaper : gb.readly.com )

[LumpyMcBentface]

...just do what...

(Autocorrect)

[LumpyMcBentface]

Thank you.

I can just stop, I don't think I need a managed withdrawal. I haven't minimised what I'm drinking at all.

I think I was just feeling a bit 'waaah, why can't I just somewhat I want to' but I can see how my drinking any alcohol has an impact on my husband, my family and my mh. So I'll just stop.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

The overwhelming message of this thread has not been about Lumpy's DH but about what is normal drinking and what is sensible drinking for someone on strong medication for unstable bipolar.

Lumpy
If you are drinking heavily on your current medication you need to speak to your Dr or CPN about the best way to cut down and ideally stop drinking altogether. I suspect you are minimising what you drink a bit and it was clear from the link posted above that you do have to be careful with alcohol. I think you need a managed withdrawal from alcohol rather than anything abrupt. Discuss a reduction plan with your DH and your Dr or CPN.

Note:- Managed reduction does not mean its OK to carry on drinking as you are now - it is not. It means you cut down each day or week so your system doesn't get thrown out of balance by a sudden change. The aim is the same as going cold turkey; you need to stop drinking for a while.

[LavenderEverywhere]

The important thing is the central issue.

Yes it is. Which is why it's not helpful to go off on tangents about whether or not Lumpy's DH is being controlling and financially abusive. As much as she loves him and knows he's fantastic, she seems to be gently implying that she feels he is being controlling and FA, and possibly even pinning her hopes on the fact that we will say he is, so she feels justified in standing her ground over the booze thing.

If we pick up on those suggestions of abuse and control and make the thread about that instead of concentrating on her problem drinking (particularly in conjunction with her illness) we give her permission to carry on with potentially destructive behaviour instead of giving her the clarity of vision to see why he's doing what he's doing and how they got here.

'Support' isn't always about sympathy, agreeing and never questioning their version of events or their take on 'the truth.' It might make them feel temporarily better but it will do fuck all to help them in the long run. And that's always the danger with taking an unknown poster at face value without the benefit of a backstory, or the other side of the story. The 'facts' we get are often skewed to start with.

Lumpy knows the worst thing in her world would be that her DH eventually has enough and walks. Her world has been immeasurably better, happier, safer and more settled since he has been in it. Telling an already mentally unwell Lumpy that he is the problem and not her drinking is potentially taking her one step closer to her world collapsing altogether.

Lumpy He loves you. Listen to him. Please. It may well be that you are not an alcoholic now; yet. But you will be soon, left to your own devices. You have enough going on without that to battle as well.

[PortiaCastis]

Courage from a keyboard in not real life!!!
I'm going to work now, with some adults.

[CarrotVan]

Lumpy - would it be worth talking to your CPN about some joint sessions with your DH with a view to you understanding the impact of your illness over the past couple of years on him, both of you agreeing steps to rebuild trust between you about finances, shopping etc, and an open conversation about your drinking?

It sounds as though he has lost trust in you and as a result is micro-managing things like housekeeping, shopping and finances, and trying to reduce things that he sees as contributing factors to your health issues like the drinking (you said you had drunk a lot with your suicide attempts).

Perhaps it might make sense to start gradually building back up to some independence but accepting that you may need boundaries for a while until your own boundaries are stronger.

You might look at agreeing a small cash allowance each week (say £10 to start with) for you to spend or save as you wish with a proviso that you don't spend it on booze

Or perhaps a small household allowance that you manage and use to pay the window cleaner/ milkman/ buy daily essentials for the household

You are drinking a lot and I know that some people with bipolar disorder use alcohol to self-medicate but I know others that don't - it's not essential.

[QuimReaper]

FWIW I think Bath made it clear in her later messages that she had good intentions.

It's just her earlier (now-deleted) messages sounded exasperated and blunt, and had an outing-type "gotcha" tone to them.

But when others leapt to OP's defence she said she wasn't offended, so that should really be an end to it.

[Trifleorbust]

I am very sorry that I allowed myself to be drawn into discussion about issues surrounding the OP's post/other posts. I regret it. Happy for MN to remove my posts. The important thing is the central issue.

[itcuddles]

So you've got yourself in a fair amount of debt before, and you use to drink at lot more than you do now (which is already a lot). No wonder your DH is trying to take control of finances and your alcohol intake, it sounds like you are unable to do it yourself. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but he really is doing it for your and your families own good.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJess]

Portia. Agreed. I have pretty much given up on this thread. As someone who struggles with alcohol addiction, I thought it might contain some useful advice, and that I in turn might offer some of my own.

Tis a shame it's come to this.

[PortiaCastis]

This bun fight is not helping addicts like myself, it took me a lot of courage to post last night and I hoped I was helping someone.
Disregard the bun fighting and read the advice would be my recommendation. Even if the poster you are arguing about was out of order, just ignore.
People on here need help and advice not playground spats.
Grow up, I had to when I admitted to myself I'm an addict.
If this thread gets deleted because of arguments all advice will be lost and believe me if you've been to hell because of addiction keyboard.warriorism would not occur to you.

[Trifleorbust]

Seth, take your own advice. Let it lie.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

Trifle and Izzy There is expressing an opinion on the thread, then there is completely forgetting the OP and her troubles and engaging in a silly tennis match with another poster. You may feel it is worth arguing about but it doesn't help the OP one bit, which should be the reason for posting. Spirit of MN and all that.

[IzzyIsBusy]

Er Still your not my mum so back off.

However i have no further reason to engage with that poster so i am more than happy to no longer engage.