Dh thinks I'm an alcoholic. I don't.

[LumpyMcBentface]

I do like a drink. But it's become a major issue lately.

Bit of background. I have bipolar and have run up a fair whack of debt. So now I have no access to cash or cards and Dh holds the purse strings.

I have to ask to buy stuff and he will agree if he thinks it's ok. But he has become really strict about alcohol.

We've always been big drinkers, Friday nights have always been our night to drink and be merry. But I also like to have up to a bottle of wine midweek when he goes out for the evening, and sometimes it's nice to have a few drinks with Sunday lunch etc.

Dh has put a stop to that and I have to really convince him that it's fine for me to have a drink any other day than Friday. We went out yesterday for a day out, and I drank wine in the sunshine. He has kicked off at me just now that that was inappropriate and I am an alcoholic.

My family are all quite big drinkers and wine is part of all our get togethers, so to me a family day out in the park, with a picnic, is a chance for the mum to kick back with a cold glass while the dad plays football with the kids. But not according to Dh, it's a symptom of my alcoholism and shows that I have no idea what is and isn't appropriate drinking.

I love him very much and if not drinking at all is what it takes to make him happy then I will, but to me having a few glasses of wine is one of my few 'hobbies' if that makes sense. I don't really go out and see friends or have any actual hobbies (mainly due to my mh) and I just don't really see what the problem is. I would understand if I was a slurring aggressive mess but I'm really not, I just get happy and chatty.

Anyway, this is getting quite long so I'll leave it there for now, but I wondered what others would think. Do I have a raging drinking problem that I'm in denial about or has its just become this huge issue for no reason?

Hey Lumpy, sorry you've been having a tough time of it.

Different situation, but I was on antidepressants until earlier this year. Was 'allowed' to drink on them, but clearly it wasn't doing me any good, felt low, not really coping at work, knackered, low energy, had put on weight and felt shit. Made a decision after a mind-clearing holiday that I enter to get off antidepressants but also to cut down on booze, have more dry nights, go to gym instead of pub or drinking at home etc and general do more positive stuff for health.

Now off anti depressants, have lost weight, leading healthier lifestyle. I still drink some nights yesterday but less often and drink less plus have the good number of dry nights etc, feel in control and have developed an exciting love of fitness classes!

I never had a 'problem' but it wasn't doing me any good if you see what I mean. So maybe you could do something similar? Exercise or something else you love doing that makes you feel good, cut down the drinking, see how this impacts?

I think a good idea is to go to somewhere like Addaction, he will discuss your drinking habits with you, and offer you a choice of cutting down or total abstinence. They can help you gain some perspective on your drinking habits. While I understand your DH may well be trying to 'rescue'; it can also feel controlling. I met people in recovery who stayed in residential rehab facilities, where the possibility of alcohol consumption is nil. As soon as they got out, they drank because it felt like a 'rebellion'.

I don't want to advocate just one drug & alcohol service, as there are many to suit everyone, but Addaction also supports people with MH issues. It may be worth looking into.

MissClarke, that's not my understanding of an alcoholic. Anybody who drinks lightly/heavily can stop if they want to - but if they're counting down the months/days until they can drink again - and then do as soon as that deadline arrives - it' is actually a problem.

My uncle is an alcoholic and there are other people in my family who have problems with alcohol just like Bexta describes.

Perhaps there are variations and degrees but when alcohol affects our life and it can't be lived without it, I think that's indicative of a problem, whatever the catch-all name for it is.

My dad used the argument about not being a slurring aggressive mess as his "defence" against his alcoholism.

It doesn't matter how you respond, if you are drinking too much and dependent on it then you have a problem.

OP, I am bipolar and to be honest asking for advice on whether you could be an alcoholic from somebody that doesn't understand the illness is useless. I am (relatively ?) stable at the moment and I drink a lot more than an average Jo somebody that is normal. Some weeks I drink 10 units, some weeks I drink 50. I do self medicate and what other people fail to realise is that people in our shoes have often self medicated with alcohol and drugs for a long time before diagnosis and sadly, it often works better than the horribly heavy, living-coma inducing range of antipsychotics the NHS prescribes. I an very open about my drinking and I will tell you what my consultant said- Have atleast 24 hours between drinking days, and then at least 48 hours after the next. Do not drink spirits under any circumstances and do not mix your drinks. Do not beat yourself up about how you cope with things unless it is damaging your life relationships or career etc. I drink cider and refuse to feel guilty when I used to knock back a litre of vodka, 1/2 a gram of coke and a kebab before 11pm every week night. Me drinking 10-15 cans of cider a week is nothing compared to that. I have the odd week off and you should aim for that too. More if you can.

Drinking in the park. Me and friends often take a big cooler full of food and drink to the local country park. We make a day of it, picnic, play, read, bbq......really nothing wrong with having a drink in that situation. Its no different to going to a family pub and having a beer while the kids are on the park.

Now, you say that your OH is concerned with your drinking. There is nothing wrong with that , as such. But only you can be certain if the concern is warranted. As for the people saying that her OH is financially abusive, Get REAL. I have been forced into bankruptcy as a result of my manic spending habits. At the moment I am trying to pay off £7k of debt from buying shoes I cant wear and holidays that i don't even want to go on. Sometimes you have to hand over control to other people.

OP, good luck with it. if you want to chat with somebody that understands then feel free to message me

Several suicide arrempts in tge last 2 years

Oh OP the pressure on your DH must be immense

I think you owe to your DH, your children and yourself to manage your MH the best way you can and you could start by stopping drinking. You drink an excessive about and use every excuse in the book to justify it.
I am not saying stopping drinking will cure all but it may take the pressure off your DH as it is one less thing for him to worry about.

• Avoid drinking alcohol while taking lamotrigine because it can increase the effects of alcohol and lead to significant drowsiness.

From the fact sheet.

Op stop kidding yourself, you need to not drink alcohol. I'm sure it is difficult with a family who also use alcohol to unwind, but you can enjoy yourself without it.

Your dh is doing his best to help you even though you may find it stifling. He has your best interests in mind.

Try to get some professional advice

You're doing really well OP. You're listening to everyone which must be really hard. It's takes courage.

As someone who's been on ESA in the past, (granted you also get PIP), a sample figure of £15 per week on alcohol, would have represented half my weekly money once food and utilities were paid. And I didn't have kids.

I enjoy a drink too but can rarely do a whole bottle to myself without becoming paralytic (am old gimmer which may be relevant). I'm interested that you don't mention Saturday night drinking - are you saying you stay sober that night? Completely sober?

Fwiw, I try to cut out booze altogether on week nights and only have a drink at the weekend. Give your liver a break. Could you try that as a start?

If my husband was drinking that much, I'd have taken his car keys away too. I think he is trying to protect you. Given the debt problems he must feel like he has a huge weight on his shoulders.

If you do decide to tackle your drinking, it isn't likely to work if he doesn't stop too IMO. Perhaps you could frame it was something to do together and also free up some cash to pay of the debt?

3 bottles a week plus 2 beers. Utterly fine less than I have in a week

Sorry my phone froze and I missed a whole load of later posts about your medication etc. ignore me!!

Yes, I don't drink on a Saturday. Literally just Wednesday, Friday and the occasional Sunday.

Whoops I've missed a chunk of the thread, ignore my last remark.

I think anyone who drinks 30 units a week and thinks it's fine is kidding themselves tbh.

I'm very surprised your cpn said that was ok OP. Did you tell her exactly how much you drink?

Fannyupcrutch: the drinking is affecting the OP's relationships though. It's certainly affecting her relationship with her husband and after the bottle of wine in the park (and possibly other similar events) her in-laws may have said something to her husband.

And it's entirely possible that the OP's husband is bring controlling for very good reasons, but that giving the OP no control whatsoever is not necessarily helping. Of course, it may well be that financially things are much worse than the OP understands and there isn't an option of giving the OP a small amount of pocket money to manage herself each week because there just isn't the money spare.

The car thing is a total red herring. From the way the OP put it, it sounded like her husband controlled her access to a car not the DVLA (I don't think the OP was trying to be misleading; it just read that way).

Fanny, you sound just like my brother with his self-medication, drinking, etc. Only trouble is, we buried him a couple of months ago when it all went disastrously wrong. We had many conversations over the years about how he wasn't an alcoholic, only drinking to be sociable/relax etc before he went from being a habitual drinker to an alcoholic. Every time he got "clean", we held our breaths hoping that this time it would be forever. It never happened and he never made 40. Bipolar is a vicious MH issue for the sufferer and those who love them. Lumpy, I'm sure my brother felt frustrated and controlled by the rest of us but limiting his funds and watching him like a hawk was done out of love, not out of a need to control. We'd have done anything to let him live life as he wanted but BP can make you more likely to drink, gamble, drug take and commit suicide. If your husband didn't love you, I expect he'd let you get on with it. Do what you can to minimise the distress to your kids even if you feel it is unfair of your husband to ask you to drink less.

Good post by BishopBrennansArse there. Believe me, I do know that it is incredibly hard, almost impossible infact, for someone with a major depressive illness to consider the impact on their loved ones (because, no, no one is suffering more than the person with the illness) but if you love your dh and don't seriously consider him a controlling wankbadger, then listen to his opinion on your relationship with alcohol with an open mind.

What do your parents think - are they very heavy drinkers too? Have you ever wondered if THEY have a problem with alcohol?

My mum drinks every day, she very rarely gets drunk though. My dad likes a tipple on occasion. My sister likes a drink too. The whole wider family are big drinkers and we regularly all meet up for events which are all alcohol fuelled.

See OP, I wonder if you didn't drink at all, he would find another stick to beat you with. He's started to control how much milk the kids drink? That worries me more than the wine you drink!

It's not quite control, more that now he has to physically go to the shop every other day to get it he thinks we should drink less. Mind you, he has at least three bowls of cereal a day.

Dare to be different then. I don't suppose they are up to their knees in debt or bi-polar.

Lumpy, that sounds a very difficult situation. Can you NOT drink if you are with them or do you feel compelled to join them? Are there occasions when they don't drink that you could join them on?

There's other little things as well, like I like to buy the cheap chav mags on a Thursday, there are four totalling under £4. Last Thursday he commented that he wasn't sure I needed all four and that maybe I should just get two.

I railed at that.