Dh thinks I'm an alcoholic. I don't.

[LumpyMcBentface]

I do like a drink. But it's become a major issue lately.

Bit of background. I have bipolar and have run up a fair whack of debt. So now I have no access to cash or cards and Dh holds the purse strings.

I have to ask to buy stuff and he will agree if he thinks it's ok. But he has become really strict about alcohol.

We've always been big drinkers, Friday nights have always been our night to drink and be merry. But I also like to have up to a bottle of wine midweek when he goes out for the evening, and sometimes it's nice to have a few drinks with Sunday lunch etc.

Dh has put a stop to that and I have to really convince him that it's fine for me to have a drink any other day than Friday. We went out yesterday for a day out, and I drank wine in the sunshine. He has kicked off at me just now that that was inappropriate and I am an alcoholic.

My family are all quite big drinkers and wine is part of all our get togethers, so to me a family day out in the park, with a picnic, is a chance for the mum to kick back with a cold glass while the dad plays football with the kids. But not according to Dh, it's a symptom of my alcoholism and shows that I have no idea what is and isn't appropriate drinking.

I love him very much and if not drinking at all is what it takes to make him happy then I will, but to me having a few glasses of wine is one of my few 'hobbies' if that makes sense. I don't really go out and see friends or have any actual hobbies (mainly due to my mh) and I just don't really see what the problem is. I would understand if I was a slurring aggressive mess but I'm really not, I just get happy and chatty.

Anyway, this is getting quite long so I'll leave it there for now, but I wondered what others would think. Do I have a raging drinking problem that I'm in denial about or has its just become this huge issue for no reason?

[Imstickingwiththisone]

Its not about quantity but reliance OP. And if, at a time when you may be having to tighten your belts to pay off debt, you can't see 3 bottles of wine per week as a justifiable expenditure to choose to cut down on then I think you have a problem.

If the same proposition was made in my household, neither me nor my DP would be bothered about it. I also think its unreasonable to expect a bottle of wine during the day of a weekend and I would be really pissed off if my DP did it. Its not the right time, nor the right place when at the park with your children. I get that its been normalised in your family, I've grown up with a similar attitude but I realise its excessive and haven't followed suit.

[LumpyMcBentface]

I'm on Lamotrigine. It doesn't say anything about avoiding alcohol.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJess]

Oh, Lumpy, as I said earlier, I wouldn't diagnose an alcohol problem in others, but it really does fuck with your mental health. In the years before I first got sober, I was in a very bad place, and up and down like a yo yo. It's very difficult to tell whether your DH thinks he's 'helping' you, or indeed being controlling. I will say that I did mean several people with bipolar disorder in recovery.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

It does actually say that alcohol should be avoided with that drug, Lumpy:
www.drugsdb.com/rx/lamictal/lamictal-and-alcohol/

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

Forgive me if I'm wrong OP, but you seem to be fixating on the replies about the impact on your medication and lack of car rather than the alcohol. Is this because you were hoping people would say you were fine to carry on drinking the way you are? Or are you reading them and internally processing them. If it's the latter, that's great! If it's the former, I would say it's adding up to denial.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Lumpy
I am concerned about you. You have a condition that affects your moods and clearly is not yet fully stabilised. You are drinking unhealthy amounts which (ignoring all the other effects) will impact your mood and may affect how your medication works. Your condition may at times make you more likely to ignore advice and rely on your own perception of a situation which may not be the same as other people's.

I don't think any of us can comment about whether your DH is being reasonable or controlling or whether your drinking is safe or harmful. You need to have a clear conversation with your DH and list clearly and honestly for your CPN how much you are drinking. Yet to be stabilised bipolar makes this a totally different conversation to someone who is "just" a habitual drinker.

[willitbe]

Reading this you reminded me of my SIL, who has bi-polar and will not accept a diagnosis of alcoholic.

She always insisted she would just get happy and chatty with alcohol too. But she never realised that was not what others saw. She insisted that she was only drinking the same amount as others, but in reality she was lying to herself.

Like you, her husband had to restrict the finances available to her, to prevent further debt being built up, especially during depressive times.

The more she drank, the more extreme the mood swings with the bi-polar. She claimed that she was allowed to drink with the medication, when in reality what the health care providers were telling her, was that it was not good for her to drink at all, as it affected her mood, but that it did not directly interact with the medication. She would only hear the second part.

I have for the past few years avoided contact with my SIL. as actually she is verbally not nice with alcohol. Ranging from just being totally bitchy about me to her sisters regarding my figure and choice of clothes. To refusing to leave after everyone else had left a BBQ at our house and then demanding to know what my husband (her brother) and my sex life was like!!!! She thought she was just being "happy and chatty". I do not like spending time with her when she has been drinking. She has come drunk to several family gatherings, and proceeded to drink "just the same amount as everyone else".

The family have started having family events with no alcohol present, because they don't like the way she is when she starts drinking. She will bring a bottle of wine to every family event where she knows there would be no alcohol. Once she has poured herself a drink, her sisters would often take the bottle and pour the rest of it down the sink to stop her drinking more.

Her drinking inevitably leads to another manic episode. She will get sober for a week or so, then it all starts again.

If your husband is telling you he thinks you have a problem, perhaps consider he may be right. Talk to others in your family and be willing to hear the truth if they are willing to be honest with you. My SIL's family were in denial about the extent of her problem for years. They then finally realised what was happening and tried a family intervention program, which my SIL heard everyone being honest, but still she refused to accept that she had a problem. (does that sound like you?)

Her children only have memories of growing up with a mum with a drinking problem. We were called out by them in the middle of the night when her husband was not there, as she was drinking again, and they were scared of what would happen to her. (she often went driving when she had just "had a small tipple")


Don't blame your husband for becoming more controlling, pay off your debts by stopping drinking, put that money aside to pay off the debts.

Most importantly : Go and be formally assessed regarding your relationship with alcohol. Alcohol should not be a hobby for anyone.

[LumpyMcBentface]

Oh! It doesn't say that in the bumpf in the packet.

[erinaceus]

LumpyMcBentface

Could you show your DP this post? From what you have written, the situation sounds complicated, because it involves you, your DP, your money, his money, your alcohol intake, his alcohol intake and Lamotrigine. It sounds to me as if these factors are all mixed up together. This is why I suggest speaking to your CPN about whether you can be referred to the dual diagnosis team, and have your DP and you look at the situation together. The referral of itself might be for a one-off chat if your drinking is not a concern but given all of the factors I think it could be worth the time, even if you do need to wait a bit for the referral to come through. I suggest this rather than alcohol support type organizations because in your case there is a lot to think about.

For example, many posters describe your DP as sounding controlling. My relationship to my DH gets questioned quite a bit - here on MN as well - because he and I are also in a complicated situation. Not your situation, but a different, complicated one. This is difficult for us but we are still here - just.

[LumpyMcBentface]

I'm taking all this on board, I promise.

[erinaceus]

[BeingATwatItsABingThing]

Lumpy, that's great then.

[Bexta147]

This is something very close to me so apologies if I sound like I come across judging.

The thing that strikes me the most is that you seem to be trying to normalise your drinking. Not only that but whenever you have replied you have had some excuse for the drinking when you have been questioned. Also it's sounds like you are trying to blame your drinking on anything you can. (Family big drinkers, social occasion, DH controlling) this rings massive alarm bells for me. People with alcohol problems nearly always try and find some excuse or something/someone else to blame for their drinking.

Also I very highly doubt your MH doctors/nurses know the true extent of your drinking. If they did you would have been advised to stop all together or to cut right back. My SIL has bipolar and she has been told not to drink at all because of the way her medication can react with the drink. She has also been told she should not touch a drink even when she is having periods medication free. I know everyone is different but I also know many other people with mental health issues have been advised the same.

IMO you have a problem and I would speak to someone about it. You are probably in denial about how much you drink or the effects drinking has on you. I would try and have an honest conversation with DH about how he feels alcohol affects you, you will probably get a shock at his answers.

[LumpyMcBentface]

I knew it was a lot. I just think I've lost all perspective on everything at the moment.

[gonzo155]

Are you meant to drink on BPD meds? I thought you shouldn't drink on lithium and the like.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Lumpy, I only wondered because alcohol is 'advised against' with so many drugs. I'm teetotal but even things like heartburn pills that I would have happily popped in my gob, I can no longer do that because of tablets that I take. You'd never think it matters but apparently, it does.

For your drug, it seems that alcohol exacerbates the symptoms, which are bad enough in their own right. It must be awful if they're ramped up with drinking alcohol. I would have a chat with your GP or whoever you see for your meds to get the low down on your condition and what is really a no-no and what's ok in moderation.

You say that your husband and children make you happy... hold on to that thought and do consider having a heart-to-heart with your husband. He loves you, you're his family and he wants and needs you well.

[AddToBasket]

A good way to resolve a debt crisis is to micromanage - that way you can cut down on wasted resources. I don't think your DH is being controlling - he NEEDS you to cut back the booze. For your finances, health, kids etc.

[Darcychu]

Way more than i would drink, sometimes ill have a few cocktails on a weekend in the sun but that's it, and i wouldn't drink whilst in the park with my kids, just looks a bit .... Meh, so i'd say 2 bottles of a wine a week with say dinner or a weekend night should be anyones max to be honest, special occasions are okay though!

I maximum of 2 glasses of wine every other night would be my opinion.

[LumpyMcBentface]

I see my cpn every fortnight. She does know how much I drink, I've always been very honest with her.

She also knows how much I've cut down since this time last year. I don't know if there's a dual diagnosis agency, there is an alcohol and drugs agency but she said it's really for people with a lot more of an addiction, those drinking every day and taking drugs.

I'll talk to her again about it though.

[BishopBrennansArse]

Objectively speaking I think he is scared silly. He feels like he isn't able to help you which makes him feel out of control and try to control other things. Unfortunately he's doing it in a way that is making you feel even more trapped and isolated. I'm damn sure that's not the intention.

Please don't think I'm blaming you - it's not your fault, everything that has happened has been your illness but being in love with and supporting someone through mental health issues (and I've lived this life for 7 years now) is frightening. You get so, so scared and try to cling to the small things you can manage.

It might be worth him and you having a meeting with your team (if they've not been bloody cut) and discuss objectively what his fears are and how to deal with those in the best way without you feeling the way you do. It may be that he needs to accept that nothing he does or doesn't do will affect what your illness causes to happen. That is not an easy thing to do.

[MissClarke86]

I drank like this because I enjoyed it. I'm now pregnant and had no problems stopping drinking.

You are only an alcoholic if you can't stop. I don't think you are from your post, but maybe it's worth proving a point to DH and not drinking for a week or two? Will he lay off you then?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Lumpy... do you think your husband would go with you to your next appointment with your CPN? It sounds as if you're giving her the information but for some reason, it's not registering with her. If it were me, I would like the added support.

[MrsHam13]

It's understandable he's worried about you getting into more debt. its a very common problem for people with bipolar having a problem with impulse buying and getting into debt. However, surely it would be best to give you cash weekly to spend on what's needed rather than you having to ask for every single thing.

You said it's only the past few years he's gotten controlling. What was going on around that time?I wonder if he felt everything was completely out with his control at that time with all that was going on with the debt and illness etc and has now tried to control what he can to make himself feel better and is going too far/over compensating.