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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

992 replies

aleC4 · 21/08/2016 23:12

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 23/08/2016 13:40

Today I feel different. There is definitely some bitterness setting in on my part. I guess this is a good thing?
My fil came round this morning to pick up a drill we had borrowed. He looked shell shocked. He can't believe what his son is prepared to throw away.
I have told my bf who was as shocked as everyone else. She is coming round tonight. I feel so well supported already.
I have all my paperwork ready for the bank this afternoon. I won't be making any rash decisions for a while, definitely until I have had legal advice, but I need to know my options.

OP posts:
shinynewusername · 23/08/2016 13:45

Great to hear about the support from friends and family. And, yes, I think a bit of bitterness is healthy in the short-term: you wouldn't be human if you didn't resent what your DH is doing to you and your DC. Stay strong Smile

MummaGiles · 23/08/2016 13:46

Just wanted to say that you can use the law society find a solicitor service to look up your local family solicitors.

Helloooooooo · 23/08/2016 14:11

I think you're far too mindful of his future and what he wants/needs. So what if he's at his parents? That's up to him.

You are also expecting him to be a good father and see the children regularly and I sincerely hope he is but things change, especially over time. There are so many future scenarios. What if he meets someone and moves away for example? My exh saw the dc once a week when he left and things were relatively amicable. Then he withdrew and went to phone contact only. Five years on youngest ds doesn't want to see him at all. Also exh is now unemployed so I get no maintenance (well £6.72 a week, it's a joke.) There are so many scenarios that may not occur to you but could affect your children's future.

Atenco · 23/08/2016 14:34

I think you're far too mindful of his future and what he wants/needs

He is no longer your priority. Your priority from now on are your children and yourself.

JudyCoolibar · 23/08/2016 15:29

He can take the kids out when they visit if he wants time alone with them. He could perhaps visit them at your house, or take them away on holiday. He could get a second job so he can afford rent. It's a problem he caused so it's up to him to solve it.

RosieSW · 23/08/2016 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 23/08/2016 19:07

You see it on MN quite a bit when couples split up, the poster has a mind set that they are still doing things together and a couple. This is obviously as it's a very new adjustment to think solo. Also as a couple things would have been tackled together, thus also has to stop and it's new to leave your stbex to fend for himself, not solve this problems ( even under the guise if helping the DC) he needs to do things his way and for the dc sake they need to see this and you need to allow him to sort out his own issues. Otherwise this will really confuse matters

Op you need to slowly start backing away and distancing yourself from this man.

Mummydummy · 23/08/2016 20:09

Dear AleC4

I'm so sorry for your situation - your heart much be broken. Totally and utter sympathy. I agree with Rosie that it is entirely like a bereavement and there will be a lot of stages to go through and lots of emotions - hurt, anger, disbelief, fear, anxiety, bitterness. The loss of a picture of your future, fear of loneliness, who will I go on holidays with, who will I grow old with? Financial worries, all of that. Your social life, friendships... And most important of all worries for the well-being of your children.

Some thoughts:

  • it will be a painful path but you will survive. Know it. You are strong, brave, big hearted
  • dont try to block the pain and hurt, let yourself cry. Feel everything, the anger, bitterness, pain and hurt. It has to come out, and as it does it makes you stronger and aids your recovery
  • know that one day it wont be the first thing that hits you when you wake or occupies your mind all day
  • take each day as it comes - tiny victories
  • be so kind to yourself, look after your health,
  • get support from friends and family and MN!
  • never ever use the children against him - they deserve two loving parents and healthy relationships with both.. your yardstick is their future love and respect for how you coped, your dignity (one day they will understand and know what you did for them)
  • be thankful for the routine of looking after the kids, the things you have to do, they will keep you sane however impossible they will feel some days
  • as time goes on find the little pleasures that you can look forward to - a night out with a friend, a weekend away...
  • know you didn't deserve it and look at him as weak, he never gave the relationship the chance of counselling or talking to try and fix it, he just gave up - he will have to live with that. But know you are no longer responsible in any way for his life or happiness...
  • try not to delve into what he's doing, spying on his social media etc - it will make you ill and send you crazy - he doesn't matter now.
  • let no one, no one, judge you. Not even you. Its not your fault. Full stop.
  • know that the only person who will look after you and make you have a good and happy life is you. Choose a better future, you have a choice.
  • you are free now to do as you want... watch a movie in bed, make a cuppa and have a bath in the middle of the night when you cant sleep, turn on the radio or listen to music to help you get to sleep, a lie in here and there...
  • find attention elsewhere, of course you wont be able now but later allow yourself. There's never one man, one story, one path. There are new paths and adventures to be had. Once you are through the bereavement.

Best of luck, sympathy, huge hugs, kindness.

happystory · 23/08/2016 20:11

What a lovely post Mummydummy

Cary2012 · 23/08/2016 20:18

Your thoughts and advice should be a sticky on this relationships board. It's all there in your post, thank you Mummydummy.

Dowser · 23/08/2016 21:03

Been there op. Really feel for you. No Dc at the time just two adorable grandchildren, one of whom lived with us.

He actually said to me...who would have a fat bastard like me.

Well your girlfriend , you know the one whom you denied...you stupid fat git!

Dowser · 23/08/2016 21:19

Sorry...had to dash because my dh called to say supper was ready.
So I came through the darkness, met a lovely man and happier than I ever dreamed possible.

RosieSW · 23/08/2016 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helloooooooo · 23/08/2016 23:15

That really helped me mummydummy.

Original poster
aleC4 · 23/08/2016 23:35

Mummydummy thank you, thank you, thank you.
Your post was so lovely and really makes sense.
I didn't get the news I wanted at the bank so that was shit and I remain insanely worried about future finances and my lovely children's home.
On the plus side I have got a number for a SHL! A friend at dd's gym club gave me it. She ready helped him when his wife left him. Apparently she is expensive but so worth it. I am going to make an appointment to see her next week.
Tonight my bf came round. For some reason I just couldn't cry talking to her. I had a few tears but nothing major. However now she has gone it has all come pouring out and I can't stop. I know I need to do it but I need to stop before I go to bed. Dd is in my bed and I don't want to upset her.

OP posts:
Mummydummy · 23/08/2016 23:48

Lots of hugs to you. Its sounds like you are doing amazingly well. I'm not sure I could cry when I was with others but I could on my own. Its exhausting, engulfing but it will make you better.

I'm only sharing what I've learned. One step at a time...

Yoyoyopo · 23/08/2016 23:51

I'm so sorry Ale Flowers you have every right to cry what's happened is truly shit

I haven't any advice or inspiring words I just want to offer virtual tissues and a hug - maybe a cup of tea?

Original poster
aleC4 · 24/08/2016 00:05

I feel really really crap tonight. I have the 'I can't get through this ' thoughts. Thinking sbout all the things we'll never do again as a family. The thought that I won't hear his key turning in the door in the evenings and the kids rushing out to tell him about their day. So many tough times to come, I can hardly bear it. No-one to have a laugh and a joke with, no little looks and things only us knew about each other. I feel bereft tonight.

OP posts:
shinynewusername · 24/08/2016 00:14

You are grieving for the future you expected to have together. In time you will build a better future than you would have had with your STBEH. But it is a long process and it is totally natural to feel devastated by the loss. Don't forget that MN is open all hours and there will always someone awake to support you Flowers

Mummydummy · 24/08/2016 00:19

So sorry you feel so bad tonight. Of course it hurts and you will feel so lost and bereft. These are the hardest days and nights. Let it out. I know it's dark and despairing. But you will pull through. You will have laughs with your kids, with friends, friends you have not yet met, special ones too. You have a glowing future but one you cannot see or imagine right now. It will get better I promise you. You will survive and life will get better. Hang in in there...

JellyBean31 · 24/08/2016 06:43

Oh ale of course you are upset, it's only been a matter if days after all and you have been full steam ahead sorting out practical stuff, the news from the bank is like hitting a brick wall. Believe me there will be many more brick walls to come, they will come out of the blue, but you will get past them.

It was my decision to end my marriage but that doesn't mean I didn't feel alll the same feelings of loss & grief (and guilt cos I couldn't make it work) so I know what you mean about it being the little things you miss. It does get better, I promise Flowers

On a practical note font take what the bank says at face value, if any of your friends can recommend an independent financial advisor, there may be other mortgage providers out there who will be able to sort something out.

I hope you slept x

pieceofpurplesky · 24/08/2016 12:19

Hi ale just checking in to see how you are. You will get through this - step by step and with good support. Just love your kids and realise it is ok to cry, get angry, be afraid .... There will always be someone here too FlowersBrew

Original poster
aleC4 · 24/08/2016 14:10

I've had a nice morning out with some friends and their kids at a trampoline place this morning. It was good to see them laughing and having fun with their friends. We took them to McDonald's after and I actually managed to eat. I am watching dd carefully too as she has not been eating much. She has tummy ache every morning and struggles to eat breakfast.
It's now we're back at home it's all hit me again. We're both teachers so the summer holidays have always been really family times for us. It feels so weird him not being here pottering around when we get back.

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 24/08/2016 15:36

It's a horrible time OP, expect to feel up and down, your DD is naturally feeling it too, she'll be ok, it's very early days. Hard to put on a cheerful role for the kids when you're broken inside, I remember that.

Well done on the SHL , and taking the kids out too. It does you good as well as them. I kept expecting my ex's key in the door every evening for months after he left, those things don't just stop, it takes a long time for the new , different things to replace old.

You will be ok, this happened so quickly, you're still reeling.

Take care