Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

The more I think about this, the crosser I get about his sheer selfishness. "The spark has gone, so I'll crap all over my wife of 15 years and break my children's hearts."
Nice.

When DD's dad did this, there was an OW. He signed the house over to me, so he could walk away. There was not much equity (mostly mortgage). It was guilt.

I am so very sorry, but for him, this has not come out of the blue. Take your time thinking what to do, because he has had more time to consider it all. And don't agree to anything without legal advice

OP - please do read Chumplady, look at the Pick Me Dance and the Script - the way your 'd'h is behaving is so textbook it is laughable.

I would bet my house there is an OW, I guarantee his niceness and promises to keep you financially stable will not last too. Please take every step to protect yourself.

Even if you think there is no OW at the moment, he will meet somebody one day. And I absolutely guarantee you that his new partner will not have your children's best financial interests at heart. I understand that you don't want to nail him to the floor, that yesterday he was your lover and friend. But for your children you hsbe to obtsin the best financial settlement possible. At this stage the only person you can trust to put them first is you. He may absolutely continue to be a fab dad but you just can't be sure, so agree nothing without proper legal advice.

Wow I've just searched "chumplady" and "the script" and halfway down is:

"I do think that many cheaters have huge senses of entitlement that were fed as children. You’re a very special golden child, better than all the other children."

I've been saying this for years about my ex!
(Highly spoilt golden child).

OP have a look you may see things that relate to your (D)H.

www.chumplady.com/2015/02/dear-chump-lady-cheaters-work-script/
Here is link^
Thanks smiling for info I'm going to investigate it further.

He may be all reasonable now, but don't rely on him remaining that way, especially when he wants to get his own place and start living the single life (poss with OW). When he realises that he doesn't have the money to do it, he may well start getting very resentful of you and try to give you as little as possible.

You can't rely on him, you can only rely on yourself and your family and trusted friends. See a solicitor asap and get as much as you can sorted whilst he is still being reasonable.

Thanks everyone, so much advice here and a lot to take in.
My fab sister and bil have just left. They have been amazing and really cheered us all up. It was a great tonic to hear the children laughing. They have been so lovely with the children and me and will be a great support.
I spoke to my mum and my dad who are both totally devastated and gobsmacked. They love him to bits but ultimately I am there daughter and they will be so supportive. They need time for it to sink in too I think.
Finally I have message my other sister. I just couldn't face another phone call and she has a small baby so didn't want to disturb her in case she was feeding/sleeping.
I think that is it for tonight. My head is pounding. I had no sleep last night but still don't feel tired. I haven't been able to eat but I gave drunk lots of tea and water.

The spark has gone, so I'll crap all over my wife of 15 years and break my children's hearts.

^^This X 100
This is exactly what my ex did. It's bullshit of course. Just a narcissist who found life stressful - you mentioned getting straight after financial difficulties etc. Just like us - basically he just didn't want the stress of being married. He never went for 50/50 custody - has DS on a Saturday when he is not playing football and the occasional overnight ... He actually had him for a full week this summer (he was too busy at Easter and May and could only do a day during Feb half term. Oh and he can't do October either).

Be wary of him being nice. Exh tried everything from blaming me to friends and trying to get me out of the house. Go to mediation in a couple of months - agree to nothing before then.
Try and get some sleep. It is also good if you have friends who have been through this too. They will understand

As other posters have suggested. Get easy meals in and make sure you do eat. You need energy to face this. Try reading before bed (regular book) to relax first.

As in exh was nice to me but behind the scenes he was a shit

Dd wanted to sleep with me tonight so I have a bed companion! It's not something I want to become a habit but in the early days if she needs the comfort and reassurance she can have it.
I actually feel tired now so hopefully I will sleep tonight.
Day 1 done - here's to tackling day 2!

DS slept with me for a while. It helped him I think - on two counts - I was there when he work up and hadn't abandoned him and also he knew I was ok

You sound like such a lovely person OP and I would never like to take from that, but just remember it is your children's interests you are defending when you fight to get the best financial deal from their father. I have known so many lovely women like yourself who have been screwed over by their exes. be very careful and think of your children.

I have absolutely no opinion about an OW.

Hi Ale. My H left on Saturday. It has been 15 years of marriage and 10 years together before that and i too have 2 children. It wasn't a bolt from the blue - the discontent started in May - but his reasons sound the same. I am devastated, for my kids and myself. He has behaved badly and without thought in some regards - for instance at one point I gave him a deadline and told him that he was to stop talking about moving out (very hurtful) and give me a date. He did this and then wobbled at the last minute and said he was being a fool and could we work on it, etc. I gave him more time and only found out that he was leaving by the stuff he was buying for his new place using our joint account. I actually think that he was busy at work at that time and found it more convenient to stay for that moment. He has said some really hurtful things - apparently my touch makes him recoil and he has sacrificed his adult life to me. He doesn't want to try couples counselling as he doesn't want that kind of relationship with me anymore. Today is awful. He has been to collect the kids from school (I work at school and so had to see him) and I had to watch them leave for a nights stay with him. It feels like he is taking them away from me.
So - sorry to hijack your thread - I just want to express my sympathies and let you know that I am thinking of you. You are not alone.

Something tells me your husband will come to regret his actions dearly in time. Not 'feeling the spark' does not mean he does not love you, in his mind he surely knows that. But unfortunately passionate romantic love is over emphasised and glorified in western culture, along with an increasingly pervasive "you only live once" sensibility. He will trade his security, everything he's worked for, a lifetime of shared memories and experiences, and a true solid love with depth for uncertainty and future, transient, fleeting, shallow relationships based purely on romantic highs. Worse, any new relationship he goes into will be laced with threads of paranoia - after all he himself is capable of walking out on a family and a wife who loves him. Why shouldn't anyone he meets in future do the same?

Bide your time. Be patient and dignified. If he's adamant he wants to go, let him. Do not try and get him to change his mind. Let him go. This is hard; your instinct will be to fight for your marriage and the DCs stability. But guaranteed one day he'll wake up and think 'why did I throw everything away?' You'll have the satisfaction of seeing that one day! I think he'll come back with a 'please forgive me' mantra some time in the future. But by then it'll be too late and you won't want or need him anymore. His ideas about the reality of what he stands to lose are completely skewed!! Big surprise coming his way!

Honestly. How selfish has his thinking become? Surely he is aware, as you are, of how sensitive your ds is? He cannot even wait a few years till he finishes school to drop this bombshell? He is entirely self-focused and you will start seeing a new horrible, selfish side to him that will make you question where the man you thought you knew was. This why you shouldn't fight him. You deserve so much more. And better things will come your way.

You will get past this.

Thanks Byron and antique for your words and Byron I am so sorry you are also going through this.
I had a good night's sleep last night and feel a lot more refreshed - ready to tackle a new day!
I have some school shopping to do this morning with the dc so some normality but also have to gather together the paperwork I need for the bank.
This afternoon dd has gymnastics and I am going one of the other mums I know will be there. I know she has recently consulted with a family solicitor and I want to ask her for the details.
I feel stronger today.

Well done Ale for getting through your first night. You sound very organised. If you are anything like me, you are good at practical things and these will keep you going and distracted, which will make you feel more in control. You don't need to make any big decisions just yet, but good to get as much info as possible so you know what's what. You are doing great!

OP you are doing so amazingly well. Your DCs are lucky to have such a great mum who is really looking out for them.
As for your H well... I have no words. His selfish behaviour is beyond belief (I know it's irrelevant-but I think there is OW. Why the hurry? Why not try counselling-if only to show the children you tried? Why would life be so much better separated from your family?)

Take care, some days will be better than others, but you will get through this

Well done ale. Day 2. You'll get through it. Make no decisions about finances etc yet. In next few weeks see a solicitor and know what you are entitled to. Do not be rushed into anything. Keep dcs at forefront even if he doesn't. It's ok to cry it's ok to shout it's ok to laugh.

I certainly don't want to be financially reliant on H for long. It will be in the short term only. If I am on my own, I'm on my own.

But the children are financially reliant on him and that will be the case for a long time, and they are entitled to stability. I really think you have to be "grabby" on their behalf. So what if he can't afford to rent a flat if he covers the mortgage? It's absolutely not your problem.

Judy don't worry I will certainly be making sure my children do not suffer any more than they are already. Keeping this home is my number 1 priority.
The only reason really I want him to have somewhere to live is so the dc have somewhere concrete to go to when they see him. If he stays at his dad's then their grandparents will always be there when they visit and they will need time alone with their dad. There is no way I want it for his benefit.

It's hard Alec but what he needs and does will slowly not become your issue and it will make it easier when you are able to think like that. It takes time but it is not your concern anymore. Of course as the kids dad you don't want things to be bad for him and that's how I felt too like you. I'm not saying that feeling isn't there a bit now but it is easier when you can become more detached and that's a time thing really.

Just wanted to offer thoughts and hugs, your very dignified and you are an inspiration, your children will be fine and you will find contentment eventually. Other woman or not your husband is being impulsive & foolish. However, no sympathy for him, he is an adult making decision that apparently all about him. So respectively you focus on yourself and your lovely children.

Hopefully the other mum at gymnastics has a SHL to recommend - good luck.