Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

Alec do speak to other providers but until you are literally ready to take over and have mortgage moved just to you I would wait. My mortal gage company took my child maintence into account as part of my mortgage calculator session and I just had to have a written letter from ex and consent order we had done. In end I decided to move house though to start afresh and took a new mortgage anyway. So look for mortgages that take that maintenance into consideration.

Thank you for that advice minime. The frustrating thing is based on affordability the bank would have absolutely no problem lending. It's just the bad credit file from dh's failed business.
I have had two lovely chats today with a good friend and my sister. People really are looking out for me, I have had messages all day checking up on me.

You can get that taken off your credit history though. Really good to hear about all your support, it does make all the difference. Enjoy the rest of the holidays. Small steps.

Bless you ale. You sound like a truly lovely women and I feel your husband is a fool to leave you. I don't know what to say as I don't have the experience of what you're going through, but something tells me you're a strong and wise women and because of this I think you and your kids will come through.

Had a bit of a text conversation with H tonight as we needed to arrange time for him to see the kids over the coming days.
He asked if we could meet to discuss the house so I have agreed to do so on Friday. I need to know exactly what his thoughts are so I can tell my solicitor. He has said he will continue to pay what he was before until things are sorted. He got paid today and has already put this month's money in the joint account.
He also told me he is also seeing a solicitor because he wants to know where he stands legally too.

No no no no. Do not talk to him about the house. Do not believe a word he says and do not be a position where he can manipulate you.
Go and see your solicitor FIRST, Then still don't talk to him.
My friends husband did this and moved to his mums. He said the usual script nonsense that he didn't know what he wanted blah blah but all the time (which was over a year) he was saving up to rent a lovely cottage with new furniture for OW.
Meanwhile his poor wife claimed tax credits which in the end she had to pay back as there was no legal separation and his post still came to the house. She was on peanuts and had to pay back £7000. She also still had sex with him as she believed no OW and he might come back. Awful cruel stuff.
You need to be legally separated and make sure he changes his address. Redirect his post of now.
Get angry and do not talk to him before you are armed with the facts. In fact you don't have to at all.
Handovers prearranged at the door via a cheap mobile you can communicate with him only then hide in a drawer.
Consequences of being a cheating shit. Rant over.

Everything that newworldnow said up there ^

I'd put a VAR, voice activated recorder, in his car if you still can. To get the truth. Something doesn't add up.

Let him talk and you say nothing but listen, no need to tell him your thoughts as you can say, if he asks

Look this is a bolt out of the blue for me and I don't know what I think as I'm still reeling from you leaving.

He has had weeks maybe months to think about this you have had a few days. It also shows he has been planning this for a while as he expects you to meet and talk about life changing events after what? 5 days ...

Give him something to mull over, say well I may not divorce you for a few years yet so our finances and the house can stay as they are for a while, there isn't any rush for me.....see then what his reaction is, as it could be very telling

He is seeing a solicitor very quickly for someone who wasn't interested in the equity etc.

I would do as others have suggested and delay all discussions about the house until you have seen your solicitor. Also regarding mortgages - definitely worth seeing a broker to discuss options as they tend to know who will lend to you as some lenders are much stricter than others.

Hope you feel a bit better today.

Excellent advice from IvyKaty.

Has he not even asked to see his kids? You had to call him?

Morning OP,

I was one of the posters a couple of days ago advising you to not discuss finances with him.

You're a grown woman, you'll rightly so do what you want, I respect that, but I'll say it again.

There is no need for you to talk finances with him at all. He might say one thing, then do another.

Your SHL will be costly, let them earn every penny by doing this for you.

You both appoint a solicitor, each solicitor meets with their client. They negotiate, go back to their clients, re-negotiate, until a deal is reached.

Don't give yourself extra stress and hassle,you have enough on your plate.

My ex used to ring me up with various 'offers'. "Sounds lovely, Tell your solicitor and he can tell mine'. After about the fifth time, he got the message. I got far more than the best deal ex offered me.For God's sake don't agree to anything!

You're paying a SHL a lot of money to get you the best deal. Let them.

Final bit of advice for what it's worth. Be the petitioner, not the respondent. File soon.

This man is not your friend.

It's all moving very quickly isn't it? At your stage I was still literally in shock. You have done amazingly well so far but don't let him railroad you into anything.

My solicitor advised me not to discuss finances with exh (although ex didn't want me to see a solicitor at all.) Early on he asked to meet me for a coffee and presented me with a list of figures and said let's agree this. He was very reasonable but when I didn't want to agree he kicked off and put a lot of pressure on me. Looking back I was very naive and would play it differently now and agree with the advice of pps. I wanted to keep things amicable and tried hard to do that but he got nasty anyway.

My ex told me it wasn't even necessary for me to have a solicitor! I already had SHL lined up. Said we could sort it out between ourselves. Bless his little cotton socks. That would have left me and the kids on the streets.

Morning op I just read the whole thread, how devastating for you.
I have nothing really to add except my support but just wanted to reiterate please don't talk finances with him, you're upset and in shock still. Let the lawyers handle it there's no reason for you to talk finances with him, my mum when divorcing my biological father in a moment of weakness when meeting him signed a scribbled transcript of what they'd discussed and it nearly cost her pretty much everything. You and he are not on the same side anymore, what is best for you and your children won't be what is best for him anymore. I'm so sorry.
I hope you got some sleep and have managed to eat something.

Text him back. 'I can't meet on Friday to discuss the house. Still in shock from all this.' He's miles ahead of you.

Yes do what expat says.

Just to add to the chorus of 'don't discuss the house/money with him'.

That's what your SHL is for. Definitely say what Expat suggests.

He's trying to move this WAY too quickly.

I don't have any good advice for you. I just wanted to say you are handling all this admirably. What a wonderful mum and lovely lady you are.

Your loveliness comes across in each of your posts even under such difficult circumstances - that's clear from the amount of people inspired to post to support you here.

you are being so brave

Text him back. 'I can't meet on Friday to discuss the house. Still in shock from all this.' He's miles ahead of you.

Totally agree with this^.

He's MILES ahead of you. Got himself a solicitor already has he? That was quick. You've only just got the number for you, but he's already got one. Whatever you do, agree nothing until you've spoken to her. Let her do this. You're five days past probably the worst news of your life. You're still in shock. Don't be in such a hurry to do what he wants. Even if he's being 100% honest and upfront and there is no OW he's still moving at 1,000 mph. Why? What's the hurry????? Be really, really careful what you say and agree to. I would put money on it that you don't know the half of it.

Please please listen to everyone who has said See SHL BEFORE you talk finances.

I left my children's father and I was so guilty I didn't listen to that advice.
Big mistake.

For your children's future please get advice first