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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

992 replies

aleC4 · 21/08/2016 23:12

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 22/08/2016 17:39

From what I remember the courts favour the children staying in the family home until the youngest is 18. That was the case for me five years ago.

Cary2012 · 22/08/2016 17:40

Sorry, x post with Hedda

GodImbored · 22/08/2016 17:46

Not the case re children staying in the family home till they are 18 unless you both agree of course. I was forced by the courts to sell my home and my dc were young with sn.

Everyone's case is different of course and it depends on assets eg
Equity in the home, capacity to earn, pensions, savings, everything.

aleC4 · 22/08/2016 17:55

Thanks for that link. I will read it later when I am alone.
I am sure there will be no need for court. H is being very reasonable and says he isn't interested in any equity. We both just want me and the kids to stay in the house they know as their home.
Just had a lovely but devastated email from my fil. He is so upset about it all and has offered help of any kind. To be honest they do a lot for us anyway - bits of diy, gardening, babysitting. I will struggle to manage the garden without them.

OP posts:
bikerlou · 22/08/2016 17:56

My husband did this during his midlife crisis, out of the blue - massive shock. I felt like throwing myself off a cliff.
i fought for him and 5 years later we are going strong. I refused to let him go. He admits now it was a classic midlife crisis and not what he wanted.
It doesn't have to be the end - how does he think he will be less lonely doing this? I'd like to know how leaving his family is going to improve his lot.
But yes I know the shock and horror you are feeling.

GreenieGables · 22/08/2016 18:02

Massive feeling of deja vu here. I was 12 when my dad left my mum for an OW, the day after we got back from a family holiday, and one week before I started secondary school. It was horrendous, I was a daddy's girl and my world came crashing down around me. I slept in my mum's bed for a year after, not quite sure how she felt about that but it was a comfort for me.

But I got through it, 20 years on and he's still married to OW and has a completely 'new' life still. He's ditched his DC and DGC, we see him once a year a Christmas. I hate him, he was my role model, my friend and my dad, we were inseparable. I actually remember the first time I spoke to him after he left, he said 'remember it's your mum I've left, not you'. I hung up.

My mum however is still very bitter about it, she still gets upset about it and makes vile comments about my dad and his DW. But my loyalties lie with her, 100%. He's a prick and my DC wouldn't recognise him in the street.

I really hope there isn't an OW, I've got a feeling there isn't. Unfortunately MN seems to think it's impossible for people to just fall out of love, but it does happen.

Stay strong Flowers

idontlikealdi · 22/08/2016 18:04

Christ op you must be in shock to go from normal to in the bank and at CAB on such a short amount of time.

Try not to make any decisions straight away you need time to get your head around it.

idontlikealdi · 22/08/2016 18:04

Christ op you must be in shock to go from normal to in the bank and at CAB on such a short amount of time.

Try not to make any decisions straight away you need time to get your head around it.

GreenieGables · 22/08/2016 18:07

Oh my dad fought my mum in court, not for his children, he couldn't be bothered with that, we would get in the way of his new life. But for the house and cars. He was very well off, numerous businesses and properties. My mum did not give up without a fight, 4 years later it was finally settled. He had to give my mum the £700,000 house outright. The mortgage was already paid off, and my mum didn't pay a single penny of it as she was a SAHM her whole life. She had a shit hot solicitor Grin.

aleC4 · 22/08/2016 18:14

I think I am in shock idon't. I just felt I needed to do something. Anything to feel useful and as if I was facing it head on.

OP posts:
clam · 22/08/2016 18:16

I just don't see how any child would fall for the "It's your mum I've left, not you." I certainly wouldn't have. To me, that's just trying to minimise his shitty behaviour. At the end of the day, those children know that they were less important than his desire for shagging someone else. Or (hopefully in this case, if there is no OW), his desire to live alone and be happier. How is that not even worse, actually? "It wasn't that bad at home, Dad actually quite liked Mum, but still preferred to uproot our entire security base and devastate us by walking out so we had to sell our home, based on his self-indulgent mid-life crisis."

Selfish twat.

Storminateapot · 22/08/2016 18:22

This could be word for word what my friend's hubby did 2 years ago. She was so concerned for his mental health, it seemed like a terrible mid-life crisis, there's no way there was OW.

Guess what? There was OW. He'd planned to spin her some yarn about advertising on a notice board at work, them getting a flat share together as flatmates then 'fell in love' once they lived together.

I knew it was bullshit, but she wasn't having any of it until they were seen in a hotel together. Then the penny dropped & he admitted he'd lied 'so as not to hurt her'. Despicable little turd.

Is he being so generous over the house because he has somewhere lined up with his 'close friend'.

idontlikealdi · 22/08/2016 18:26

Christ op you must be in shock to go from normal to in the bank and at CAB on such a short amount of time.

Try not to make any decisions straight away you need time to get your head around it.

idontlikealdi · 22/08/2016 18:27

Sorry no idea why I posted that three times. I totally understand wanting to feel as if you're doing something though.

clam · 22/08/2016 18:30

He has a very close female friend who he met through work and although I had my suspicions once upon a time that she liked him I don't think there is anything going on.

Start digging.

clam · 22/08/2016 18:36

Unfortunately MN seems to think it's impossible for people to just fall out of love, but it does happen.

That'll be because there have been hundreds of posters, over the years, who've come on here to relate a very familiar tale. Their husband "loves me, but is not IN love with me, but there's absolutely 100% no chance at all of there being an OW." Then, a few days or weeks later, they post again with an update, saying "turns out there is an OW after all."

Sorry, but it is very unusual for men (and I'm basing this on the MN demographic, which will mainly be women posting) to leave a reasonably OK and comfortable home-life unless they've got something/somebody else to go to.

Jackiebrambles · 22/08/2016 18:42

Been reading and really feeling for you op, you are being so strong!

In terms of finances, court etc. My advice based on an 'amicable' split, always expect the worst.

Anicechocolatecake · 22/08/2016 18:50

It is such early early days for you. Please don't believe a single word your husband says. I've seen on here so many times these men pledging to support their wives financially in this position, saying they can stay in the marital home. 99% of the time these men turn nasty and put up a fight.
Assume it will get nasty so you're prepared. I also think there's most likely an ow. If your husband was such a decent man, he'd have told you months ago what he was thinking so you could have worked on your marriage or at least come to terms with him drifting away from you. You must be reeling.

Anicechocolatecake · 22/08/2016 18:53

Also saying things like you don't think there'll be any need for court - you are far too early in this process to know that. I'm sorry but you need to get your head around how unpleasant things could get. I'd also bet that in a year your pil will be behaving very differently. Ultimately your dh is their son and once the shock has worn off they will support him.

TendonQueen · 22/08/2016 19:02

Don't let yourself agree to anything while still in shock. Prepare a line like 'I'm going to need time to think about that' and just keep using that broken record style till you have recovered and done more research. If he is the nice guy you believe him to be, he will accept that without getting pushy.

Cary2012 · 22/08/2016 19:19

Just put the brakes on OP, understandably you are reeling. I suggest you re-read these posts in a few days time, because right now, in the middle of it all, you don't want to take on board what we are saying. I get that. But I will repeat:
He is not your friend.

He will not be reasonable for long.

Your comment about you thinking there will be no need for court shows that you have a hell of a lot to get your head around. Totally understand. So don't assume anything, don't expect to feel the way you do today, tomorrow. And expect the unexpected from him.. Be open minded about everything, agree to nothing.

Get a solicitor.

Look after ýourself.

MadisonMontgomery · 22/08/2016 19:23

Please just make sure you take care of yourself financially - I used to be a legal secretary and seriously every time someone came in saying they were amicable with their DH, that the DH was going to be fair with them financially and put the kids first - they were always the ones where it all went horribly wrong Sad

Roseformeplease · 22/08/2016 19:34

Whoa there. Please, please slow down.

You have had a shock and a trauma and don't need to make any decisions. Tell him you will think about it. And think. Consult SHL and be good to yourself.

No rush. He doesn't get to set the timetable.

ivykaty44 · 22/08/2016 19:34

Your divorce will have to go through court to be finalised, but they are unlikely to finalise unless you both have a share in the equity in the house - he would have to try to convince a judge that he doesn't want any equity.

But the comment also adds up to racked with guilt...again pointing to a third party being involved. This happens just when you get back from holiday - a holiday that means they have been apart and are desperate to be together - thus it's helped make up his mind to leave. To you it's out of the blue so he hasn't even mentioned being unhappy before - that's a very big leap.

I'm sorry but to make a general sweeping statement a man will often sit in a marriage until something or someone makes him want to leave. Men are creatures that will stay somewhere, even if they think the relationship is over.

How does this effect you op, it will effect you as someone else is pulling his strings and so all the advice here about playing your cards close to your chest are worth while keeping at the forefront of your mind.

Your loyalty is to your DC, not their father.

I would do a few things, on your own.

Get your house valued

Contact district council and tell them by email you are living along and give them your oh forwarding address and your bank details to collect the council tax.

See if you can get an hour for free with a solicitor to get some advise about your situation

Get a summary of your mortgage, a list of your out goings and income and take this type of information with you.

ivykaty44 · 22/08/2016 19:38

I'm sorry but my post seems harsh, I don't mean it to be.

Take care of yourself and your DC Flowers

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