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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

992 replies

aleC4 · 21/08/2016 23:12

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

OP posts:
DakotaFanny · 16/10/2016 18:28

Just hopping in to say how amazing I think you are aleC. Keep powering forwards.x

mrsclooneytoyou · 16/10/2016 19:39

WineCakeChocolateFlowers for you. You are doing so well op.

Cary2012 · 16/10/2016 20:05

Yep, just keep going OP, focus on getting that mortgage deal sorted, and looking after those lovely kids.

One day he'll realise the grass isn't greener, in fact it's full of weeds. By then you'll have completely moved on.

My ex tried to come back, even when he'd moved in with ow. I told him I wouldn't have him back if his arse was stuffed with gold. Not my finest hour, but god, it felt good.

Bloody stupid men

myfriendnigel · 16/10/2016 20:06

What an unspeakable bastard. How dare he tell the kids before even mentioning it to you? I'm Angry on your behalf.
Bad enough to do it, lie about it, put you through hell, but to then allow you to find out via your children? It's just incredibly awful behaviour.
I'm really sorry op. No one deserves to be treated like that, least of all someone who has been as decent throughout all of this as you have.

whitehandledkitchenknife · 16/10/2016 20:18

hear hear myfriend.

Have some moreAngryAngryAngry ale and know that there's a MN group of Angrywomen who'll happily separate him from his breath Grin.

Original poster
aleC4 · 16/10/2016 22:53

Thanks for the support everyone, you lot seriously rock!
Today I have been reminded yet again of how wonderful my family and friends actually are - and you lot of course.
I think everyone has expected that this would mean a step back for me but it doesn't. It makes me even more determined to get what I want and sod him.
in some ways it makes it easier for me, because there is a reason. Does that sound weird?

OP posts:
MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 17/10/2016 06:51

Not weird at all.

Until now you have been confused about what was so bad with your life together that he would leave. Now you have your answer and everything slots into place; things make sense now. One of the worst things about an affair is the lies, deceit, denial and mind games. Once you know the truth you can start to move forward.

He will very shortly realise she is not worth the sacrifice and he will feel particularly guilty about his children. Tough.

nicenewdusters · 17/10/2016 14:05

I agree, not weird at all.

He was lying to you from the start, acting like nothing was wrong. You therefore rightly believed your marriage was safe and secure. Why then, for vague, non-specific reasons would your contented husband leave his happy marriage? Answer, not vaguely discontented, but actively pursuing a relationship with another woman.

So, apparent confusion - his, causes actual confusion - yours. Reality is OW. No confusion.

Mamia15 · 17/10/2016 18:04

Totally not weird. You now have clarity and know that its NOT you who caused this - it was his ego, selfishness and sense of entitlement all along. You will have moments when you suddenly realise why he has been grumpy, picking arguments, distant etc on certain occasions during the past year.

myfriendnigel · 18/10/2016 18:04

How are you doing op?

Original poster
aleC4 · 18/10/2016 23:32

I'm doing ok thanks. Things are calm here after the weekends dramas.
The kids are doing really well and seem to be slowly adjusting to their new life.
Tomorrow night I have my new financial advisor coming about the mortgage. I have all the paperwork ready that he needs, apparently he will scan it all while he is here.
I am looking forward to half term now to recharge my batteries a bit.

OP posts:
dodiebantock · 19/10/2016 00:11

Keep going Alec - we are all behind you and really hoping you get good news soon re your finances. H's behaviour just confirms - without even a word from him to you that he really is a gutless shameful man. You can get through this Alec - what a tremendous role model you are for your family, your friends and all wives and mothers out there dealing with cheating lying partners. I do appreciate that it must be very difficult at times for you - no one can go on forever keeping up a positive attitude - but believe me you are doing very well keeping your children so happy - they are a credit to you. Good luck with your new IFA! You deserve so much more and I have a really good feeling you won't be waiting too long for happier times. (just as it dawns on H that he has made the biggest mistake of his life hopefully!)

FurryScoob · 19/10/2016 09:18

Just read the whole of this thread & wanted to say aleC4 you are doing an amazing job with your kids.
I was your DS, my parents split in the summer holidays before I started secondary school because they didn't love each other anymore. 2 weeks after starting school my mum introduced us to her new 'friend'.

Keep talking to your kids & giving them hugs, it really does help make things better. My Dad has never said a bad word about my mum or her other man, he let us make our own minds up which helped us feel we could talk to him through it all.

Good luck with your future Flowers

Original poster
aleC4 · 19/10/2016 23:06

Well the next step has been reached with regards the mortgage. The advisor came tonight and went through all the paperwork with me. He is going to put the full application through either Thursday or Friday and hopefully the valuers will come out next week while I am on half term. It seems crazy that I have to have the house valued again when it was only done last month but I have to do it their way.
He said after the valuers have been and confirmed the valuation then the decision will be made. He said it is not common for it to be refused at full application after a decision in principle so fingers crossed.
Exh reckons he wants to be out of his dad's by Christmas - wishful thinking I think! The advisor said, if successful, the process could take 2-3 weeks. As soon as I have my money, exh will get his share but I won't be rushing to hand it over! Then he has to find a house and there aren't many within his budget so I think it may be a while before he is on the move. I can see him renting before he gets a chance to buy to be honest but he can do what he likes, I couldn't give two shits.
Dd was upset when she was dropped off this morning which hasn't happened before. She couldn't really tell me why she was upset and ds couldn't think of any particular reason either. I think possibly she was tired and it all got a bit too much. She doesn't particularly like sleeping there as the arrangements are not great or all that comfortable but he just keeps telling them it is not forever.

OP posts:
Atenco · 19/10/2016 23:30

I do hope you have had good advice about what percentage of the house is going to him, aleC.

Original poster
aleC4 · 19/10/2016 23:32

He is getting just less than 40% which was my choice and I am happy with.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 19/10/2016 23:47

I'm assuming that this is all done right and tight with a solicitor so it will be incorporated into any divorce settlement over and above signing off on the deeds? That there will be paperwork in which he signs off in perpetuity any future interest in the property or proceeds from a future sale? I think it's called a 'clean break' or something like that?

Original poster
aleC4 · 20/10/2016 06:41

I'm the solicitor stuff all included with the mortgage so the fees can be incorporated. that way it is not a huge outlay that I don't have.
There is a the transfer of deeds (TR1 form or something like that) and my solicitor will write to him to sort out all paperwork.
The separation agreement I am having drawn up also says he has no further claim on the property or its contents if it were to be sold.

OP posts:
Mamia15 · 20/10/2016 09:38

40% is very generous especially given the ages of your DC....

nicenewdusters · 20/10/2016 11:39

Keep going OP. Don't work to his timetable. I'm sure he'd like to be out by Christmas. We all know why as well. Suit yourself, don't rush. You say you couldn't give two shits about him. I think you're very generous to give even two !!

Are you sure that you're free of any liability for his debts?

myfriendnigel · 20/10/2016 13:14

Clean break yes-separating agreement can be questioned and altered until you are actually divorced at which point it bricked clean break and final (if that's what you agree).
Fingers crossed on the mortgage then op-that sounds really positive.

ummizoomi · 20/10/2016 16:34

40% is way too much considering you have full time custody and your kids r so small. It should really be 75% - 25%.

Dontyouknow2016 · 20/10/2016 16:42

Yes agree with 75-25%. That's what the court decided in my case similar to yours.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2016 16:47

To those of you saying 40% is too much, it may very well be in the scheme of things. But it also may be what it's worth to OP to get shot of him as quickly as she can.

There's no price to be put on having peace in your life.

user1470269632 · 21/10/2016 02:19

Yes, I agree with the others. Considering the ages of your children, how much it would cost to employ someone to 'replace' the work in bringing them up between now and when they leave home (and they tend to be much older these days!), plus also the fact that he walked out on you, not vice versa, I would be insisting on 75%/25%.
Trust me, particularly as the children get older, they also get more expensive, especially if they go to university. They shouldn't feel that they can't due to costs, simply because your ex has b@@@@@@ off! Plus, he won't be the one left, picking up the pieces and the the vast majority of not only the childcare, but all the other things that he used to do, like gardening and upkeep of the house. You may well need professionals in, to get those jobs done, so fight him all the way. IMHO, he deserves nothing less. Sending hugs🤗....