Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

What an absolute, take him for every button on his shirt.

Well, it certainly was shitty of him to tell them without you being a part of it, or at least knowing about it ahead of time. I'm sure it was the usual 'let me drop the bomb then back away to my own happy new life and let the other parent deal with the fallout' that most cheaters do.

But it's done now. Onwards and upwards.

As a very wise poster once said on MN, I hope he shits hedgehogs.

What a disgraceful man. Didn't even have the guts/grace/decency to tell you first. No, tell the kids, let them tell you, leave you with the fall out.

Take him to the f*ing cleaners OP.

I just feel so angry that he didn't tell the truth in the first place. I had voiced my suspicions about her in the past and he was adamant they were just friends. Then when he left I asked again and got the same answer. I feel I deserved the truth after being married for 15 years.
I feel gutted for the kids that they now have something else to deal with. He didn't need to tell them now, he could have let the dust settle a bit and ease them into it gently.
To be honest I don't think he will be able to live with her. He can only get a small mortgage and she doesn't earn much. She has 5 kids and 1 has a partner that lives with them too. Some are adults and live away.

Delurking to say what a cunt.

But at least you know why he left now. It's not you. It's cos he's a cunt. It's official.

Speak only through solicitors.

And hug to yourself the knowledge of his cuntishness and your goodness, even if you do so secretly. His badness is now official.

I have just read this thread all the way through. Middle aged man following the script to a T. They don't care for you or the kids or the length of your relationship once they have moved on. My story is together 28 years, married 26 years, 2 daughters. H says in May that he wants a trial separation I had thought there was something going on for a couple of months before he said that he had denied it. Found evidence of him booking hotel and show tickets,said I was being ridiculous. Have had 4 1/2 months of lies for him to finally say he is now in a relationship with 27 year old PR girl from his office. Girl I suspected and asked him about in May! Stupid bastard still lying saying nothing was going on til after we separated. Don't know who the f**k he thinks he's kidding. I know I am going to have a nasty fight on my hands over asset split. Have secured best lawyer. Not going to be fun but I know in the end I will be better off with his lying cheating selfish narcissistic ass. Now fairly sure that affair started way back in November last year, hindsight is a wonderful thing! As you say aleC4 it's the lies that make it worse. I sat down with H when he first told me and said I knew him too well and that I knew there would have to be someone else. Said I would be hurt but would understand if he had fallen for someone else. All he could think of was lying hid way out of looking like a complete and utter twat to everyone we know which of course he now does as no one is fooled by the it just happened act. Keep your chin up and don't do anything on financial settlement without your solicitor giving you advice. Take him for everything you can as you will regret being nice to keep a cordial relationship when you are struggling financially and bearing brunt of childcare juggling when he has walked off into the sunset with ow.

You're right OP, you did deserve the truth after 15 years of marriage. I'm so sorry.

At least he's rubber stamped for you the fact that you cannot and should not believe anything he says.

Small mortgage, low earning partner, 7 kids between them, relationship that started as a lie. I think the phrase he'll be looking for soon is repent at your leisure.

What a bastard! I can't stop thinking about what you must be feeling. Your poor kids! They do not deserve this. Can't believe what a coward he is for telling them first and putting the burden on them to tell u as he just doesn't have the balls to do it himself!

You are so well rid of him!!!! Take him to the cleaners!!!!! Get yourself a Hot shot lawyer!

What a turd. What a fucking cowardly little turd. I hope OW is pregnant with triplets.
Time to tear him a new one ale. Find your inner Amazon and take him for every single penny he is ever likely to earn. There isn't a gutter good enough for him.
I am so sorry that you have been treated so shamefully. His parents must be so proud of him.
Stay dignified and cool. Communicate only through your shit hot lawyer.

I've known one couple where he left her for another man, more for another man - never known any who have just left - there is always someone. he's feeling generous (guilty) now but that will change once he's out and he'll get more distance and more selfish. get a good deal signed and sealed asap as he won't be in generous-guilt mode for long once he's left. Forget his feelings totally - it's not your fault and now you have to play a strong tactical game and get the best deal you can financially asap.
the kids will be totally fine - really, they will, you seem lovely and well adjusted and will give them stability, they will be fine.
Remember there's another woman - it will help you to strike a harder deal.
Good Luck x

If you were still 'friends' - if he had an ounce of decency he would not have let you find out via the kids. What a C**t

Oh crikey, alec4!
That is absolutely dreadful and no wonder you are shocked and really upset. Sending many hugs...
I wouldn't go through the finances until you've spoken to a good solicitor. You should have the house, by law, to bring the children until they're 18 that he helped create, and where he lives is up to him. He can't expect you to sell or anything.
I would be very careful about what your OH tells the children. I'd be there, putting it right, telling them it's their father's decision. You didn't know anything about it, and you feel like you've lost your best friend. Children can be incredibly perceptive, and I think they'll believe you. Make a point though about being truthful, but also reel them that you're as shocked as they are too. Children are also incredibly resilient too. Share lots of hugs together and don't let that man drive a wedge between you and them. Hugs are really important with the children right now. Let the school know too, so their teachers can be more lenient towards them, and very understanding.

As he's been planning this for a while, I'd be at the solicitors first thing Monday morning! Ask a friend you trust to look after the children for you while you're at the solicitors/CAB. Go to the citizens advice bureau too. The CAB will give advice about tax credits, maintenance and benefits too, which will give you some financial stability. Remember, knowledge is power!
Whatever he's done, personally I'd never take him back. How on earth can you and the children ever trust him again? By moving back in, I'd be very suspicious of an ulterior motive(s).
Personally, I've had this happen twice to me. Both blokes deeply regretted it almost immediately afterwards when they hit the reality of live without me. It hurt like hell at the time, for me, but I was damned if I was going to let them know that. Even when they were begging at my feet, literally.
Positively, it's made my current DH very careful in a good way. I sought out qualities in a man which the other two didn't. True respect. I think too, that my DH knows that I don't mess. Both of my exes begged me to go back to them, but no, once betrayed, never again.
In time, you'll find true love. Just don't rush it. Play the field and have a ball. I used to just 'wine and dine' and be upfront with any of the blokes I was going out with. No sex with any of them. I had an absolute ball of a time.
See your GP if you're feeling low. It's extremely common at highly stressful times like these. It's absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Quite the opposite. You're taking charge and if you need help with medication or counselling is excellent, because you are in charge of your destiny. 25% of the population are depressed or highly stressed at anyone time. They will help you sail through it with less tears, which will be an enigma to your OH to see the true grit and solid determination you have. Situations like these cause less serotonin to wash over the brain, so yes, you may well need them. They've helped me cope and find an inner strength.
Also, Relate will offer counselling even to just you so you can offload and work through your feelings. They base their charges on your revenue, so yours will be negated/very low.
Remember, leopards don't change their spots!

So he's been lying to you all along

What do the DC think about it?

I don't think the dc really know what to think to be honest.
Even ds who is nearly 12 is too naive to realise it has probably been going on for months. He doesn't know enough about adult relationships yet to work it out. Even though his dad spent a lot of time with her before and I always had my suspicions.
Dd is on:off friends with her dd but she can be a right little brat and has been really horrible to dd in the past. Ds can't stand her.
They are confused I think more than anything. I just hope he doesn't push the relationship on them too soon.

aleC I don't know what to say.

Oh aleC I am sorry that yet again he's told the kids in this way. What a selfish man. I think your kids will be fine and you will be fine.

You can assert yourself and not let your kids be more involved with OW and her kids than they need to be. They're just getting used to dad not being at home, seem to be coping well, and now he drops this bombshell. He, like so many others, chooses to focus on his happiness at the expense of his kids.

Be assertive and strong. Let your kids lead; if they don't want to stay overnight, then that's fine. He will rush now to have a perfect 'blended' family, which he has been picturing for months. Doesn't mean your kids want the same, so continue to put them first.

You're their mum, their constant, reliable rock. Don't underestimate that, and don't for a minute think he and his new relationship can diminish your relationship with your kids. He can't. Listen and respect their needs.

I repeated this to my kids in the first years post break up: 'Only see your dad because you want to see him. Never see him or stay there because he wants it and you don't'. Mine were older, so I appreciate we had no agreed access, it was entirely up to them, but yours are at an age where their feelings must be taken into account.

What a sad stupid man to throw you and your kids away. Another walking cliche, so bloody predictable.

Stay strong.

I agree OP about not letting him drag your lovely, innocent children into his new fantasy life with the OW. I suspect he will push his new relationship on to them as soon as he sees fit.

Remember, your dc will always be your priority.

For him, his priority is 1) himself 2) the OW, 3) his dc

I suspect he'll also start to prioritise her dc over yours when it suits as well. I have a friend's exH who does this. Her young son saw a picture on FB of his dad at an event with the OW's son. It was an event her son had been dreaming of going to. The exH's response was to block her from his FB account.

She has blocked me from Facebook which says it all.
Exh picked ds up for a rugby match this morning and dropped him back. We hardly spoke and he couldn't look me in the eye.
He knows I know because while he was out with her last night my bil text him to tell him exactly what he thought of him.

Liking the sound of your bil.

Large G&T for your bil.

She's done you a favour by blocking you from FB. Now you won't have to see all the "look at our fab new blended family" crap. Even though you'll know it's a tissue of lies, best not to have the images and words in your head.

How you spoke to him at all today is just amazing. Are you perfecting a withering look ?

Good on your BiL!

Rise above. He'll get his and probably sooner than he thinks by the sound of it.

My bil is fab,I love him to bits. I couldn't have picked anyone better for my lovely sister.
He and my ex were very close and he feels extremely hurt and let down too.

Yep, the losses are just starting to pile up for your ex.

Hope living in the tiny shoe with Old Mother Hubbard and her brood makes him happy !! If it doesn't, he's stuffed.

When women come to MN bewildered and upset that their husband has suddenly declared out of the blue that:

-their feelings have changed
-they love them but aren't in love with them anymore
-they've really tried but it's just not working
-they're moving out etc etc etc etc

Despite the relationship being pretty good and happy and ordinary up until then (or perhaps up until a couple of months previously) with few arguments and little worries then the answer is nearly always that there is another woman involved. Sometimes it takes months to come out but it always does.

Some posters at the start of a thread will say, 'why are you calling OW?! Marriages break up all the time and there isn't always a third party!' And of course that is absolutely true. But the pattern of events in those circumstances are very different. When you've read enough relationship posts on MN then you start to develop a nose for when another person is involved.

This particular thread is textbook 'other woman'.

I am so sorry your husband has turned out to be such a cowardly shithead. However, it sounds like he's done you a favour and you are moving on towards a brighter future without him weighing you down. You are doing brilliantly for yourself and your children.

He will eventually show remorse, say it's all been a huge mistake and want to try again. This is when he has discovered life isn't any better with a new woman and he's destroyed his family for nothing. He'll miss the family home, the joint finances, living with his children and, of course, you. Enjoy that moment because you will already be in a far happier place.

Good luck - I hope your future is bright.

Agree with magical there. It always seems to be out of the blue, just like your thread title.

It is far too soon for him to have told the children. How ridiculous. On the other hand, some men deny an ow for a long time so at least you know your suspicions were right.

I can't think of anything to say except many of us have been there (nasty divorce re finances here and a man who completely changed, well, got even worse shall we say, when we divorced.)