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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

992 replies

aleC4 · 21/08/2016 23:12

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 11/10/2016 19:57

So......he's presumably planning on asking you to sell the house, or else why would he be looking into his own mortgage.

Did he just volunteer this information about the mortgage to you?

26milesofcbeebies · 11/10/2016 19:58

Or does he know you've been talking to an IFA and assumes you're going to remortgage and buy him out?

Original poster
aleC4 · 11/10/2016 20:05

We have discussed our plans together before. He knows my plans which are to pay off the mortgage and buy him out.
What he doesn't know is that if I can't get a mortgage I don't plan on going anywhere at the moment.

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 11/10/2016 20:22

For God's sake aleC please don't discuss your plans any more.

Play your cards very close to your chest.

Tell him nothing. "My solicitor will be in touch" is the only phrase you need. On repeat. Indefinitely.

Mamia15 · 11/10/2016 21:31

So he got a mortgage based on what he thinks his share from the house will be....I wouldn't be surprised if OW's income is also taken into account.

He is making lots of assumptions based on the fact that you and DCs will move out, on what he thinks he's entitled to and what you will agree to. Arrogant entitled prick.

He's in for a shock then - your next step is to find a shit hot lawyer.

26milesofcbeebies · 11/10/2016 21:34

I might be confused- is he not basing his plan on you not moving out, but being able to take on the mortgage on your own, presumably with some input from him via maintenance/ spousal support?

Original poster
aleC4 · 11/10/2016 22:22

26miles yes that is it exactly.

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 11/10/2016 22:26

So what do you think about that OP? Can it work for you on that basis?

Original poster
aleC4 · 11/10/2016 22:29

Yes. My plan is to borrow enough money to remortgage on my own and buy him out.

OP posts:
evelynj · 11/10/2016 22:31

Alec, just wanted to say that you're doing great-it sounds like there's a wrong end of the stick about remortgaging. I'd try speaking to someone else or else tell him he'll have to wait 2 years until your rating improves if that would change things for you getting an offer. You are an inspirational mother

Original poster
aleC4 · 11/10/2016 22:43

Thanks Evelyn. I wish I felt inspirational. At the moment I feel drained, exhausted, completely washed out.
This financial stuff is wearing me down so much. I just want it all over.

OP posts:
wantingahappyending · 11/10/2016 23:16

Bear in mind that a solicitor wouldn't advise giving him 50% of the equity with you having the children with you.

nicenewdusters · 11/10/2016 23:19

You are doing great OP, really you are. I get the impression you are good at being calm even when you want to scream. The financial stuff will be sorted. Just do it on your terms.

Original poster
aleC4 · 11/10/2016 23:24

Wanting he is not really getting 50%, mainly because I will be paying off a loan we have that is secured against the house. As I am paying that off, and as I have the kids, I am getting the bigger share.

OP posts:
AmIbeingTreasonable · 12/10/2016 05:24

OP please please DO NOTHING without consulting a shit hot lawyer about the mortgage/house business and I'll repeat was I said up there^^ HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND, sorry for shouting but you must must must keep this at the forefront of your mind and discuss nothing with him, only via solicitor, those of us advising you about this have been here and lived to tell the tale.

Kidnapped · 12/10/2016 10:32

It still really begs the question as to how he who earns less than you, has a failed business behind him, has a joint loan secured against his existing mortgage, and has bad credit can get another mortgage.

And you, who earn more, cannot.

There really is something not adding up here. I also thought it was odd that a teacher (presumably on the national pay scale) would only pay £51 per week CMS. £204 per month. £2448 per year for two children. What salary is he on?

Also this joint loan secured on the house. What is it and where did it come from? Because if was taken out because of the fall-out from his failed business then HE should be settling that out of his share of the house. And the share that he gets from the house should already be reduced because YOU are going to be looking after the kids most of the time.

Is any of the bad credit down to you alone?

I know you are sick of thinking about the financial stuff. But you'll get absolutely shafted if you don't find out exactly what is going on. He is way ahead of you.

Strawberry90 · 12/10/2016 10:42

Yes op don't mean to be harsh but you need to get your head out of the sand and start sorting all this stuff. Your solicitor should do or a better financial advisor. You sound like you've your head in the sand a bit a bit like with this ow too which you still don't seem to really acknowledge is another ow. You've got to stop taking him at his word and get to the bottom of the facts yourself.

Sorry if that's a bit harsh but you aren't going to be able feel better without dealing with some of this stuff

BabyGanoush · 12/10/2016 10:57

Please just don't trust him

Please

Jackiebrambles · 12/10/2016 11:35

I just wanted to add my voice. I know you don't want to think of the finance stuff and you just want it 'off your plate'. But you will end up getting totally screwed here. You and your kids.

Please talk to your solicitor. Don't agree anything, don't sign anything.

Ignore any requests from him (other than about children contact) and say you will be hearing from your solicitor.

Atenco · 12/10/2016 13:30

The above advice is really to make sure your children are looked after, OP, not with an eye to screwing your ex over. I have known too many women who have been very understanding and friendly when they separated from their exes and ended up with deals that were unfair and did not meet the needs of their families.

Original poster
aleC4 · 12/10/2016 17:15

There may be a glimmer of hope with the mortgage!
My new financial man is going for a decision in principle tomorrow for me!

OP posts:
myfriendnigel · 12/10/2016 17:37

Good stuff!
But still speak to the lawyer.because there might be a way to make it less costly for you long term or whatever.

nicenewdusters · 12/10/2016 17:57

Fingers crossed for tomorrow OP.

Original poster
aleC4 · 12/10/2016 18:29

I have got everything crossed! Surely if he can get one I can too.
I dig out all my paperwork from the solicitor today to have a read through and I have begun a list of things I want including in the separation agreement.

OP posts:
Strawberry90 · 12/10/2016 19:05

Good for you!

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