Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

OP trusting your husband with money is a big big mistake. You need to get your head around the fact that he is not your friend, he does not have your best interests at heart and you cannot trust him. It's a huge change to your mindset and very difficult but you must do it to protect yourself.

Please don't trust him. After all he's done, why should he have stopped at finances? The phrase 'another mortgage in the background' sounds as if a second has been taken, either now or in the past.

Call the IFA back and keep asking questions until you understand exactly why you were turned down. If the IFA is 'vague' ask to speak to someone else. If possible have a friend or someone else as a 'second pair of ears' to be sure you're both hearing and understanding the same thing.

OP. I understand that you want to sort out the mortgage issue as soon as possible. But reading the updates today this is all going at such a speed. Remember, as others have said:

He wanted to leave
He has made the financial position of yourself and his children much more fragile
He's not coming to you with ideas as to how his children can stay in their home
There is already enough evidence that he may be involved with somebody else

You have mentioned your profession and the next few weeks I know will be full on for you. The first xmas without him will be hard. Carry on looking into things, but perhaps your position, outlined to him, should be along these lines. You said you were unhappy, you chose to leave the family home. I intend staying here. What are you going to do to ensure that your children are not further disrupted and distressed by losing their home? You've had a long time to think about this, what are your plans for the children? The bottom line is that, certainly for the next year or so, they need to stay here. How do you plan to make that happen ?

Where he lives? Not your problem.
Where he sees the kids? Not your problem.
His need for a new "home"? Not your problem.

And yes, do not trust him financially. Look at the great poker face he's played for the past few months. You thought you were having a great holiday, he was planning on leaving you. He is not the man you thought/hoped he was. It's a heartbreak, but it's better to face that now. I was too soft to start with, doesn't do any good in the long run.

I'd hate for you to rush into some dodgy/unsuitable mortgage that you live to regret. Don't rush. Never think about how it's affecting him. You and your children - you are the only ones that matter now.

I'm a single parent, but I'm four years in.

What I did was sell the house and rent a lovely house, the sort of house I could never afford to buy. It gave us some breathing space.

I could get a history behind me and the mortgage company took into account the money I received from my ex. Some wouldn't do this unless there was a court order in place but this one took evidence from my bank statements. They also took into account income from tax credits. It was difficult for me to get the mortgage as I needed a 95% mortgage and there aren't many lenders around.

My broker was a family friend and he was great. The mortgage is with a company called the Tipton and Cosely or something like that. So after renting I took my time to find the perfect house and now we do; it's lovely and all the more special because we waited for it.

You'll get there, but try not to take on too many battles at once. You don't have to make too many decisions. Baby steps.

I agree with nicenew. No need to rush into anything. It's still very early days. Take your time to look into different possible options and think about things. Honestly, there is no urgent reason to get this sorted ASAP.

Great post from nicenew.

Totally agree, don't panic, I can't see what the rush is with the house? Sorry if I've missed something.

Thinking of you op, we are all behind you.

You mentioned the bad credit is due to his failed business?

Is all the bad credit directly down to that? Or stemming from that initially and then both of you trying to cover the fallout of a failed business for a while with credit cards/personal loans etc?

Because if so, no way would I be trusting him with regards to money. To be honest I wouldn't be trusting him with money without the bad credit issue.

No matter what promises he makes now, the reality is that she has loads of kids to support, remember, and she'll be expecting a decent contribution from him when they are living together. Don't be surprised if more money goes to supporting her kids than his own.

Yes no rush re house - you shouldn't need to sort mortgage for 6 months/ayear min and really, as other people have said, you need to stop thinking of him as the person you want him to be and see him for who he is.

What other people have said-there is no rush on this op.
But actually if you are desperate to get it sorted it might be that he has to be on your new mortgage for a while in order for you to get it. My ex is on mine, with the agreement in place that it's name only.
I couldn't have kept my house without him being on it as he earns more than me. He will come off it after two years (when the mortgage company say they will accept this-as they need two years worth of maintenance payments in place). This is skit to be agreed by court order as part of our divorce. Could you look at doing something like that? What does your solicitor say?

And what a surprise.
He has had confirmation of his mortgage offer today.

Oh god OP!!

What on earth is he doing? Already looking to buy his own property? How can he do that when you have a joint mortgage already? And he has a poor credit rating.

Gosh, what a surprise.

Is that offer based on him selling the marital home presumably?

How come his credit is better than yours if he is the one with the failed business behind him? Does he earn significantly more than you? Does he have savings that he wrongly thinks are his alone? You should really think about all of this. Where is the money coming from?

Of course if he has a similar credit history to you and a similar salary then perhaps his mortgage offer is a joint offer with the other woman. And he's just keeping quiet about that. Naturally.

I'd be of the opinion that, unfortunately you getting a mortgage on your own is a non-starter, therefore you will be staying put until the children are adults with both of you paying the mortgage on your current home. It is the only solution really. Speak to the solicitor as soon as you can.

Shame that screws up his plans for a lovenest with his girlfriend and many kids, but what can you do? Oh dear.

Oh aleC4 - this stinks to high heaven. He appears to be planning to cast you and the children adrift. Time to put on the boxing gloves. There is a whole heap of stuff that just doesn't add up. Don't panic. It's not for you to sort out. But you must get some serious legal advice.

Yep, absolutely right. You and the kids, in the house, he jointly pays the mortgage etc. He'll need a shoe horn the size of fucking Wales to get you out. So angry on your behalf.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/relationships/relationship-problems/ending-a-marriage/#h-financial-arrangements-at-the-end-of-a-marriage

There is loads of stuff which doesn't add up - he'll still be on your mortgage so can't take out a new one unless you consent to him coming off yours (unless he's really minted). You are in control here...

Def doesn't add up why you've got bad credit and he doesn't. You can't trust this man by a mike. What is he doing already looking to buy a new place? Have you seen it? Have you asked him about all this and what he plans you and the children to do?

Just refuse to sell until you are happy with arrangements

Well i know it sounds tough but as one door closes, another one opens,,do you really think that no other man would find you interesting or desire you? no ,of course they do and if you want them to,they will ! Sure it will be painful but just accept it and push ahead to move on,,

Please listen to the excellent advice.

Don't trust this man at all, about anything.

It's hard, I've told you my situation so won't bore you again, but he does not have your interests or those of your kids at heart.

You might think he won't screw you and the kids over, because facing that hurts like hell. But he will. His priority is his new life, and probably planning that new life with OW.

You absolutely must get the very best lawyer you can. If you think your current lawyer could do better, fight tough and find a better lawyer.

You need to get the very best financial settlement you can. Don't talk finances with him. You need a lot of equity in the house, child support and spousal maintenance, and a deal on his pension. I got it, you can get it. If you live in Norfolk, pm me and I'll give you the name of my lawyer, who got me an amazing deal.

Forget him doing the right thing, he won't. You no longer know the man he is.

I repeat, he isn't your friend.

Good luck, get the best legal help money can buy, for you and your kids.

You have to get tough, fight him for everything, and then some.

Good luck, stay strong, take your time, and please, stop talking to him about finances.

Excellent advice from Cary.

I'd only add don't talk to him about finances or anything else. You make the children available for contact, as for the rest, he can whistle.

Op-this seems widely off the mark.how can he possibly get a second mortgage when he is still on yours? If eh can afford to pay his Alf of yours and his new one then fair enough.br he can't just decide to force you out of the house with no ideas as to where you and the kids can go.
Have you seen a solicitor? If not, or if not one that will fight for you, you need to see one.as soon as you possibly can.
He is going to fuck you over. I cannot stress how far away from any other financial settlement I've ever heard of this is. Time to get tough now.

What the fuck? Op how do you know this?

You are going nowhere and the house is not going on sale.

I don't get what this means for you. How can he have a new mortgage offer if he is on your mortgage?

Btw my case went to court as we couldn't agree and I had to sell my house and split the proceeds. I had very young dc so don't expect him to pay until they are 18, unless he wants to of course.

Not sure what he is playing at from what you say but be prepared. Also although it may seem it, it's not the end of the world to sell up.

My ex got a mortgage whilst still having to stay on the family home mortgage. But this was a mortgage with the OW, so perhaps that made a difference, I don't know.

Apparently his mortgage offer is only valid once our mortgage together is paid off.

It's quite possible to get another mortgage if you borrow against the existing house- is that maybe what he's done?