Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

He's laying the groundwork for his 'I had left my marriage, we were living apart and I slowly found love with an old friend' story that he thinks everyone is going to swallow. Presumably he is moving it along now (getting together with their kids) as they want to be living together quite soon. Expect a 'sleepover' next. For the kids of course, nice for them to be able to have a bit of fun after all they've been through. And of course there's not much room at his dad's. And in a couple of months she will magically be able to solve his accommodation problems.

What's the situation with this woman, OP? You say 3 of her kids were there. How many does she have? Is she single? Does she own her own home?

You could always ring her up or text her and say that you could do with a coffee and a chat (just that, no going into details about anything). How she reacts to that will tell you everything you need to know. Because she was friendly with you, right? She should be supporting you right now, right? If nothing is going on, she would already have contacted you to talk and offer her support. She's certainly contacted your husband to offer support.

Expect the 'so busy with the kids right now; life is so hectic' line. Or no reply at all.

Lou I was 51 after 30 years of marriage when my exh dropped his shit on me.

Loved me but wasn't in love with me shit. I'd just had valentines and my birthday and we headed out to Florida for 6 days after that.
I questioned everything ( in my head ) did he ever love me etc
There was more. There were prostitues ...he'd lived quite a double life and yes the financial situation had me worried sick . I'd been a sahm and grandma. My son was a single father.

I hope I didn't sound too harsh last night but I wanted to let you know that no matter how bad the situation looks, no man is worth losing your life for.

I was 56 when my met my second husband. I am so happy. Much happier than I ever was with my first husband. I certainly never expected to remarry again.

I wish I'd had mnet then but I had some fabulous rl friends who pulled me through and my amazing family too.

maybe start your own thr as a testimony to how far you've travelled by this time next year.
I'm such an optimist, every day no matter how bad things look something marvellous could happen and I would hate to miss it..
I've blossomed since shithead left. Met some amazing people. I'm on my fourth sunshine holiday this year..and we aren't rich.

I'm loved within an inch of my life...it's all to play for.

You are doing so well alec, when my 28 year relationship ended, I went to pieces, took up smoking, drank too much and hid my head in the sand, it took me 4 years to get where you are now, xxx

User I already work full time so nothing will change there!

How are you doing this morning OP?

So the IFA said no. He can't find anyone to do my remortgage. I can't believe my credit rating is that poor.
I feel absolutely crushed. It's like another kick in the teeth just when I was starting to get back on my feet. I just don't know where to turn.
I have contacted an online mortgage company that specialises in bad credit mortgages as a last resort to see if there is anything they can do.
I feel like I'm right back at square one.

I'm sure a mortgage is do-able, it will probably cost a lot though unfortunately. Can you stay in the house until the DC turn 18? Would you want to?

To be hard best at the moment I just don't care if the rates are poor. I would pay it in order to stay here, at least for the time being. The dc just won't cope with any more changes and I think moving out to rent may just tip us all over the edge.
I guess I could try and stay but not sure I could do it. If exh pays me half the mortgage and the maintenance he agreed it may just be doable. I think he is probably liable to pay the mortgage until dd is 18. I still don't know if I could do it though, it would be a massive stretch and it is such a huge commitment on my own.

Have you viewed your credit report and managed what you can on it to improve your credit rating?

Yes I have seen it. There are defaults on there but they are all satisfied and are several years old.
There are also payday loans on there from 4 years ago.
My credit history for the last 4 years is pretty good but things stay on your file for 6 years. I have taken out credit cards over the years and paid them off to try and improve my credit score but I obviously didn't do enough.

So sorry Alec. How depressing and frustrating for you

What a plonker leaving you with this financial mess as well as emotional mess. What's his solution to this given he's caused it - where does he expect you and his children to live? I hope you've got a good solicitor?

God, sorry op.
Have you seen a solicitor to find out what he should be paying for and what not?

Presumably his name is on the mortgage so you have a bargaining chip with him to take him off it/remortgage/sell the house?

Could any of your family act as guarantor if it were possible? I remember years ago, a friend stayed in the family home and had the mortgage transferred to her but her Dad had to be guarantor.

Not sure of the finer details, but might that be an option?

I think I do have several people I could ask to go guarantor if it was an option. The thing is it doesn't seem to have even got that far, it's not even been offered as an option.
I didn't really understand what the IFA was telling me to be honest. He was tying to say that the lenders he approached (who he said have done bad credit mortgage for him in the past) wouldn't consider me because there was another mortgage in the back ground in joint names. This is the mortgage I have with exh so obviously it will be paid off by the remortgage. Surely all remortgages have another mortgage in the background? I don't understand the reasoning. He said if my other mortgage was in my name only they might have considered it.
I really hope this online company will come up with someone but it feels like I am starting the whole process again at the beginning. I just don't want to even think about not getting this remortgage.

Are you sure your husband didn't sign you up to another mortgage behind your back?!
Ask your ifa for details...

He definitely hasn't. He has been an arsehole about our relationship but I do trust him with money. He won't have done anything that might jeopardise his ability to get a mortgage either.
The IFA was very vague about it on the phone and sounded very much like he didn't really understand it either. To be honest I expected him to fight a bit harder for me. There must be people out there worse off than me who have got mortgages. I have seen things advertising mortgages online for people with CCJs or bankruptcy and I haven't got anything as bad as that. It just feels a bit like he didn't really get my situation. Maybe I should have gone with a bad credit specialist from the start.

Maybe your ifa got confused as your DH would still be on the land registry deeds until you got him removed but it does sound odd?
Please instruct a solicitor they can get to bottom of all this for you. You need to protect yourself.

I'd ditch the ifa and just approach mortgage providers directly

Yep, ditch the IFA, sounds like he was out of his depth.

I would also be seeing personal bankers at all major branches of high street banks, just to see for myself
What's going on op.

I have given my details to this online mortgage company and emailed over my credit file so they are in the know from the beginning.
Apparently they will look at my circumstances and then assign a broker who is specialised in my situation. I guess if it comes back that they can't find anything either then I know it just isn't going to happen.
I know exactly what will happen here. He will get a mortgage agreed and I bloody well won't. I can see it now.

De lurk again. You really must not trust him with money, or anything else now. I realise this sounds harsh, and you will resent me saying it. The more you detach from him, and the unit you were (and may still think you can be, albeit not as a couple).

At tis time he has not got either the DC's or your interests to the forefront. Only his own (possibly an OW). Otherwise he would not have done this in the way he has, even if was unhappy/wanting to separate. You wouldn't would you?

Your IFA sounds a bit rubbish. Ask on here/your friends for recs for a IFA, others will have been in your situation and may be able to recommend someone.