Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

Yes this is the old work colleague.
She is the one I asked about when we split and before. He is still adamant there is nothing in it.
To be honest it's not that unusual that they go out because we used to take the kids out together before, but obviously I went too.
It's just now it feels like a lovely family outing - him and his kids, her and her kids. I don't really know what to think.

Morning OP.

I doubt you'll ever know the truth about the work colleague. If they become an item you'll always be told it all happened after the split. I suppose it doesn't really matter too much now. Whatever the situation, it was crass and insensitive for him to have a joint family outing. If you've all been out together, then surely she should be available to you as a friend as well? I'm guessing you haven't heard from her though?

I too wouldn't know what to think in your situation. But you do know that he is not your friend, and neither is she.

That bastard Im so crossed for you op you don't deserve this at all. Hold your head up high often relationships that start as affairs won't last I know from experience with my ex best thing I did was show him how strong I was and met someone else. He will regret it op maybe not now but he will trust me.

You will probably never get the truth of it.
Sorry op-not what you needed when you were doing so well.

So awful not knowing for sure. Hope you're ok Alec.

You were looking for a reason why he left. There's the reason.

Less than 2 months since the 'I'm not happy. I'm leaving' declaration. And now he's comfortable enough to include the OW in the very little time that he does have with the children. He feels that enough time has passed and that everyone will fall for the 'we only just started seeing each other' line.

All of this planned out.

He said he'd been unhappy for a year? That means that he's been seeing her for a year.

And of course that's why he hasn't got his own place yet. A single man wouldn't see a future for himself and his kids in his dad's small bungalow (where the kids don't even get a bed) and would make plans to move.

A man intending to set up home with his new girlfriend would stay at his dad's for a short while, 'suddenly' strike up a romantic relationship with an old friend and then get a new place with her. Or move into hers. They've been planning this for months.

Well, he's made a big mistake, hasn't he? He didn't sort out his finances with you before he brought the other woman into the picture. And now you have no incentive to play nice with him. No more 'poor DH, can't afford a nice house for himself'. Looks like his plan all along was to end up in a nice house with the OW with both of them sharing the bills. And once he has a nice large home then he might want 50% residency of the children so he doesn't have to pay the maintenance that he said he would pay.

Be really careful, OP. You have to be smarter than him right now.

Sadly I agree with the previous poster. He had this planned :-(

My exH was one of the very few that left with no OW. His actions backed this up - he moved in with family, but then rented his own flat for him and the children to visit, and had them on his own for a year. (Then he met someone and it very quickly changed)

To move out and make no plans two months on to live somewhere with space for his children, but to take this woman out with him, smacks of OW. Which is horrible :-(

I know you have an IFA, do you have a solicitor though? Are you definitely accessing everything you are entitled to?

Hope you have an ok day today. Just remember none of this is your fault.

You must be in shock and very confused and disappointed as he's denying that she is the ow.

But regardless please now get a shit hot solicitor and find out what you are entitled too PLUS don't enable him to buy fancy new house. What has happened to my friends (without exception) as they have enabled their exes to buy wonderful new house with ow "cause the kids need their dad". And kids get to 14/16 n refuse to go to dads anymore as feel they dont have a place n prefer to be with mum who they feel was in the right n has their best interests at heart. Plus then they are paid less as they might have 50/50 n no maintenance but the kids just don't want to go and how do you make them at 15?

Please Alec - don't be such a truly good person

So it appears I got the wrong end of the stick a bit. The kids have told me that only they went bowling with their dad but then they all went to her house afterwards and stayed until quite late. 3 of her children were there too. Still suspicious though.

My poor love I totally aympathise my husband left 5 weeks ago for a silly reason .it's so hard your life stops and you think and obsess every minute of every day "why" I'm so sorry for you xx I have found so much love and support from my sisters my friends and my teenagers that I'm beginning to feel like a lucky girl as I have so much to be thankful for that he can not take away .I hope you have lots of support too x much love to you x

I have to agree with others here OP, be very careful. It all just sounds too amicable, which I could understand if both of you had agreed on drifting apart but this sounds really odd...

Me too alec4, 15 years and DH just left 2 weeks ago and hasn't come back. I thought we were soul mates and would be together forever, I was looking forward to growing old with him Didn't see it coming and am now feeling suicidal. Everyone says it will get better but like you right now it doesn't feel like it will ever get better.
Said he is never coming back and given his time again wouldn't have married me as I don't understand him.
It is a hellish nightmare without end. The love of my life has gone and I am totally lost. I wish I was there to give you a great big hug because I know exactly how you feel xxxxx

Big hugs to the lady above xxx what a nightmare for you I am 5 weeks in now x I wouldn't wish this pain on my worse enemy it's all consuming it's physical my stomach hurts from lack of food my head hurts from thinking 24/7 and my heart feels like it's been ripped out x I really really sympathise with you lovely lady xx

User whatever number you are.

Stop right now.

Suicidal ? Come on. Get a huge grip. No man is worth taking your life for.

Grief stricken! Devastated! Gutted! That's understandable.

But please! Not suicidal!

Put that thought right out of your head.
Now is the time to get your hard hat on and fight for what is rightfully yours.
What a prick and utter bastard to say he wouldn't marry you given his time over.
I'm so angry I could lamp him.

That's just plain nasty.

Don't you dare go hurting yourself over someone who could say such nasty things after you've given him 15 years!!

Do you hear?

Op she's def the other woman and always was. This will have been going on long before he left you. He's never going to come clean about it because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy in front of the kids.

I know a couple that cheated behind his (long term) girlfriends back for 18 months before he called it off with the girlfriend. Low and behold he then waited a few months and 'started' dating the ow. they lied to everyone about how they got together even making up a 'first' date story that he recounted at their wedding (it was all lies). People will go to long lengths to conceal their wrongdoings.

Ps user[no] - pick yourself up your life is only going to get better from here without that loser in your life. If someone could hurt you like that they are better off out of your life. It will get better!!

God yes..I'm living proof and although I was all of the above...suicidal was not on my list.

Believe me once you are through the pain...you'll have so much life to live ...it's like you've been reborn.

So sorry so many others are going through the same, I've realised it's far more common than I had ever thought.
I am ok. I think I have come through the deep, gut-wrenching sadness and devastation now.
The anger is still there and will be for a good while I think.
When I see him now I certainly don't yearn for him or want him. I look st him and feel disgust sometimes. Disgust at what he has done, disgust at the thought I ever found duch a selfish man attractive too.
I also feel some pity. Not in a feeling sorry for him kid if way but in a you are actually a pathetic man kind of way.
There is an end. I am only 6 weeks in but day to day my life is pretty ok. My kids haven been amazing and we have a lot of fun together. My job is very full on and requires work at home as well as at work so I don't have much time to sit and think. My friends and family have been amazing making sure I don't feel alone and have plenty to do.
If I could just get this financial shit that's hanging over me sorted, I think life could start to feel almost good again.

Sorry Alec, but I don't get why it's better that they spent the late afternoon / evening with her rather than going out for the day together? Isn't that just as bad?

I have sometimes questioned what the point of myself is after my situation.And I have felt low enough to wish I was no longer here. But the thing is userthingy umber, those feelings are temporary. And there is something in me that that my lowest started to fight back.because to not do so is to let them win. And they have already got away with so much.
I would call the dr were I you now. You need some help to get up from your lowest point and there is no shame in asking-in fact it's the brave thing to do.
You can get through this and you absolutely will.
Sorry ale for the the thread hijack.

I agree with pp-it seems odd and a little too convenient that he would go to her house for the evening with the kids at the stage. I hope you are ok. But again as pp have said time to get a bit more selfish now about future plans. He isn't. Thinking of you and you need no longer think of him.

Sorry, cross post. You are right, he is pathetic

You need to get the truth about this ow - he's doing you no favours by still lying to you.
Pretend to call him out on it - say you know (friend said, she said, kids said, you found an email etc). Say it's bye the bye now but he owes you the truth for the sake of kids and the marriage you once had.
Men do not just leave marriages for no reason. You had your suspicions and she's still very much in the picture. His closeness to her is not normal friendship.
Once you've had the truth you'll see him more for what he is and it'll help to get over him

Ps I'm glad you are starting to feel good again for a happy life and onwards and upwards from here

Thanks, I'm normally bikerlou but can't find my password becasue my head is all over the place. I can't believe so many of us are in this crappy boat. I keep thinking I'm 55 and why is this happening, I should be thinking about retirement, planning for the future.
Am going to Dr next week to get something for the dreadful panic attacks.
How dare men treat us all like this - what the hell?
Trouble is you don't just lose the man you lose all the other stuff, money, being able to just go down the pub with someone, having someone there, your love life, your 15 years worth of memories, the security of your marriage, the future you hoped to have with him - the whole lot.
The thought of dating at 55 urghhhh, it was bad enough at 25.
He needs to "find" himself apparently, well good luck with that.
he also hopes it will all be friendly and over quick. One minute you are walking down the street holding hands and being excited about your upcoming holiday and the next minute you are dumped with 200 quid to last the month.
Thank God the house is mine and I am a professional woman but not happy about having to go full time again when I was planning to wind down.
I just feel so sorry for your children AleC4, they must be devastated.
Bif hugs for you all.

This is the problem alec4 it's the financial, when you are feeling wretched the last thing you need is to be worrying about your finances.
Do you think you will have to look for a job?