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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

992 replies

aleC4 · 21/08/2016 23:12

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 01/10/2016 07:55

Thanks myfriendnigel. Nipping into nearest city this morning to pick up a few Christmas bits I have ordered and also to get some birthday presents - dd seems to have been invited to so many parties! Then it will be housework and food shopping. I try to get all the boring stuff out of the way when the kids are not here so I can spend time with them when they are.
Dd has gymnastics this afternoon so ds and I will spend a bit of time together.
Tomorrow ds has a rugby match which his dad will take him to then my lovely sister and niece are coming over tomorrow afternoon.
I'm hoping it will be a fun weekend and dd will not be as angry as last weekend.

OP posts:
ddrmum · 01/10/2016 08:59

Ale, you're doing so well. Nothing much to add to the wise words of others, but just to reassure you there is life on the other side. The kids will always show their emotions where they feel safe which gives you yet another job to deal with. I hope you H sees the effect his behaviour has had on your DC (& you) & feels thoroughly ashamed. Have a great w-end Flowers

nicenewdusters · 01/10/2016 19:37

Glad to hear you're getting on with getting on! Enjoy your weekend with the kids and your family Cake

Original poster
aleC4 · 02/10/2016 08:26

Thank you. Really looking forward to seeing my sister and niece today. The weather looks like being lovely so we'll probably go for a walk somewhere.
It's been a good weekend.

OP posts:
PacificOcean · 02/10/2016 14:51

Glad to hear you're having a nice weekend. Enjoy the lovely autumn sunshine today Smile

Original poster
aleC4 · 03/10/2016 06:22

Another week begins, got a busy one this week with a meeting for parents at work tomorrow night and dd's parents evening on Wednesday.
Hoping to hear from IFA today.

OP posts:
myfriendnigel · 03/10/2016 06:33

Have a good week ale...remember to look after yourself too.

nicenewdusters · 03/10/2016 19:05

Hope all goes well OP. Keep busy but don't go into overdrive!

Starryeyed16 · 03/10/2016 19:55

Op I just want to say you truly are an inspiration to others your strength throughout this thread has been amazing. My ex left me with our young baby and I never thought I would get past it I lost loads of weight but thankfully I managed to get a job and eventfully met my DH and moved out from my DP. Your children have a fantastic loving mother Flowers

Original poster
aleC4 · 03/10/2016 23:17

Thanks starryeyed, most of the time I certainly don't feel like an inspiration. I feel like I'm making it up as I go along.
I phoned my IFA today as I hadn't heard anything. He has approached a lender but they said no Sad
I am a bit annoyed because he approached a high street lender and I could have (and did) told him they would not lend to me. He knows my credit history and has seen my report so I'm not sure why he did.
He says he will now approach a lender who specialises in people with poorer credit ratings. I wish he had done that in the first place because the first search he did will have affected my rating even further now.
He is coming tomorrow evening to get some more figures and paperwork as the company he has approached need a proper application.
I just want it over. I want to be in my house, with my kids and be able to move forward and make it my own. I know that probably by law I can't be made to move out if I can't get a mortgage. However I want my poor dc to have a relationship with their dad and they are finding it very difficult while he's living where he is.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 03/10/2016 23:26

Lurker here. Well done on getting so far! But, remember it's not up to you to facilitate his relationship with the DC, or worry about where he lives.

He chose this, planned this and doesn't appear to be worrying much about any of you. And God Forbid, if OW appears and he is with her you certainly don't need to be helping them set up together.

Do what is best for YOU financially. That is what your DC need most now, and in the longer term. He can (clearly) take care of himself.

Original poster
aleC4 · 04/10/2016 23:31

So, extra info given to IFA tonight. Now just got to keep everything crossed that I can borrow the money. I cant even bear to think of what may happen if not.

OP posts:
PacificOcean · 05/10/2016 06:08

Fingers crossed Alec!

myfriendnigel · 05/10/2016 10:34

Yes-lets hope he gets his finger out and asks the right people now...thinking of you.

user1475501383 · 05/10/2016 13:22

It will not destroy your children.

You have one huge advantage when it comes to separation, which is that you may be able to work things out amicably with co-parenting. That is a huge benefit for the kids.

Otherwise, your situation sucks, I am so sorry that this is happening to you...
Flowers you have my sympathy.

user1475501383 · 05/10/2016 13:25

oh my, only replied 544 messages too late there... Blush good luck on your journey!

Original poster
aleC4 · 06/10/2016 18:05

Still heard nothing from the IFA. I just keep thinking if it is taking a while it must be bad news. I have always been an optimist but I feel like I am sinking with this. It is hanging over me like a black cloud.
I just want it sorting. I desperately want this to right. It feels like I am being punished when I haven't done anything wrong.

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 06/10/2016 18:38

Can you contact the IFA out of hours for an update? Presumably he is a one man band who you could text or email? Was he recommended to you?

I suspect you're quite often going to feel like you're being punished OP. It's horrible but you'll get through.

Just wondering, have you had any contact with your husband?

Original poster
aleC4 · 07/10/2016 18:43

Hi yes I do have contact with my ex, mainly over the kids though. I hate having to do all the arrangements by text, it drives me mad. We have talked a bit about money but not done much small talk. I've got nothing to say to him to be honest.
Is it to soon to be saying I don't miss him? I really don't. I miss the idea of being in a relationship, I miss doing couple things, I miss adult conversation, I miss having someone close to chat things through with, I miss the security of being in a couple. But I honestly don't think I miss him.
Still not heard from IFA but he did put my paperwork through the letterbox so I know I must be on his radar. If I haven't heard anything by Monday night I will phone again. I'm almost too scared to ring him in case I don't like what he says.

OP posts:
Original poster
aleC4 · 07/10/2016 23:04

Had a truly lovely friend round tonight. Had a lovely evening.
Now feel like it's been ruined because of a message I got from the dc about what they have done tonight and who they have been with. They have been out with exh and the woman I swear is ow.

OP posts:
Yoyoyopo · 07/10/2016 23:27

Seriously?

What a vile man! If she is the other woman and he's lied to you ....

I'm so sorry Ale Sad

mrsclooneytoyou · 07/10/2016 23:34

Is this the work colleague?

MsPavlichenko · 07/10/2016 23:38

So sorry, thinking of you and hoping you get some rest.

Atenco · 08/10/2016 00:27

Maybe this has come in the nick of time, before you sell the house to make things easy for him, OP.

So sorry you are going through this all.

nicenewdusters · 08/10/2016 00:40

Oh no OP! At the start of this thread many posters were calling "OW", but it seemed that, just for once, a man might have left without having somewhere to run to.

What a complete bastard. And how insensitive to take your dc out with her, even if she's only "just a friend" - which I very much doubt.

And to think you were still concerned that he didn't have a proper home in which to see the kids. Well bollocks to that.

I too have spent an evening with my friend, who found out 2 days ago her dp was having an affair. She's been unhappy for ages, he's dreadful, and the idea anybody else wants him is laughable. But I sat there and looked at the screenshots of their text messages - sickening.

So, so sorry that you now have to deal with this as well.