Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

That's a difficult one. It sounds like you said all the right things when giving her a cuddle. I think you are handling it all really well. It sounds like you are not bad mouthing your ex (even though you probably really want to). This will all go in your favour as they get older. It's ok to say to them you don't understand either why he has done this. Say that you don't have all the answers. Children think adults should know everything so I think being honest is a good thing in this situation.
You probably do need to talk to her about why she doesn't like staying over. It could be something that is easily solved. I think you have to be careful that you don't appear to be forcing her into doing something she doesn't want to do but at the same time not giving into her. You certainly don't want to appear to be using it as a reason to stop her seeing her dad (I know I have been accused of this). I personally think you do need to find out but it's how you do it. Mine went through a phase of not really wanting to stay over (still wanted to go just not sleep over). People suggested it was because they were worried about me being in my own. But after speaking with them, although they missed me it was because they didn't sleep very well due to new strange bedrooms. Actually telling them to just give me a call if there was a problem seemed to help settle them a bit. They have spoken to me once after that and now seem to be ok, for now anyway.

Your poor children..obviously feeling that sense of abandonment, having major changes foisted on them due to your husband having a YOLO moment. Are you getting a different perspective on your relationship now? Thinking maybe you were the one doing all the hard work, grunt work, emotional labour? Hope you a great a Sunday - bit of you time, fun and in the moment time. Your head and heart need the downtime.

Mine are the same, angry and upset at home with me, fine with their dad.
It's annoying on one level as he doesn't then see the hurt he has caused them and if I tell him he thinks I'm trying to make him feel guilty-so now I just don't bother telling him as much.
I think they maybe just feel a bit closer to me perhaps or more comfortable with me-so it comes out with me more. When they are with their dad it's for less time and it's usually Disney time anyway so less chance to vent at him.Maybe that's how it is for your dd too?
I think it sounds like you did well. Maybe just touch on it briefly today-and remind that she can talk to you or dad anytime. I remind mine of that all the time but at the same time I try not to labour the point as unfortunately this has to become their new normal and I don't want it to become central to their thinking about things in general.
It's very hard. Especially when you are hurting yourself.

When your DD shouted out that she doesn't like sleeping at her dad's, perhaps she actually meant that she doesn't like the new set up, she wants her old family back as it was. My son, at 13, did this. Was extremely unsettled by the new set up, repeatedly said, I just want it back to how it was. Kids struggle with the adjustment, they want answers, they just don't understand how the family unit they were happy and secure in, was not viewed in the same way by the parent who left. It's massive for them, as it is for us, the parent left trying to understand also, as well as trying to hold the kids together.

I'd talk to her, not in a heavy way, to see why she shouted what she did. If she genuinely would prefer to not stay with him right now, then let her see him of course, but she returns home to sleep in her own bed. My DS saw his dad, but never slept over, he simply didn't want to, Ex wasn't happy. Tough. It was the price he chose to pay by blowing the family apart. Ex blamed me, I have broad enough shoulders to shrug off his blame. His opinion of me ceased to matter after he left us.

Focus on the kids, they will behave differently, and its natural that they do this in their own home where they feel loved and secure, knowing you're the constant in their lives.

It's not easy, but it does get better. They're coping with emotions they don't understand, can't easily articulate and shouldn't be facing.

Above all, whilst not rubbishing their father to them, don't shield him either. Their feelings are valid, even if the way they express them are confusing. He has to face the consequences of his appallingly selfish behaviour.

OP. Have just sat and read your whole thread. Massive sympathies to you and your dc. Just a few thoughts.

My dc first saw ex at his parents, now at his home. The outcome of the time they spent/spend with him had nothing to do with the location. He can be a miserable bugger or cheerful, fun dad at both places.

As for your dc not wanting to sleepover with him. Definitely ask why. I had this and it turned out that ex didn't leave the landing light on at night (see earlier reference to miserable bugger!!). I suggested they asked him to do so, or they didn't want to stay. He got a night light.

Now, one dc always stays the night, the other when it suits (and me!). This is possible because ex lives fairly close, I know this isn't the case for a lot of people.

Cary's phrase is excellent "whilst not rubbishing their father....don't shield him either." This has been my approach. If they say he did so and so, and they're moaning, I will agree with them if I think they're right. By the same token if it sounds like ex was in the right, I'll tell them this. If they start telling me stuff where ex has been dripping the "I'm the victim" crap into their ears, I address this too. I don't slag him off but I'm not counsel for the defence either.

Time on your own without dc. Hideous at first. Lots of tears, biscuits (by the packet) wallowing. Gradually got used to the idea, now 18 months down the line my "just me" evenings (2) and days (1) per week, are packed out in advance. Took a while because I was so sad at first, wanted to hibernate. Now, it's ok, sometimes great, just my new normal.

Communicating with ex. Every case is different. Mine was the script. Let's be amicable. Then quiet contempt when he came to the house. Then him starting arguments so cue me saying pick up kerbside and only text me. Nasty texts. Normal(ish) texts mainly about dc. Lately ok texts about the dc.

If you can be amicable, great, for the kids. But do what you want. Personally, let rip a bit now (as you have) so he can see the damage, then go Ice Queen. I was accused of being a cold hearted cow. Well, be careful what you wish for. As regards my ex, that is now my default.

All in all, it's a bloody hellish journey at times. Probably like all pp I've howled, ranted, sworn like a navvy, stopped the car because I can't stop crying, wanted to scream.

But I've also laughed, danced, met new people, done new things, seen myself become stronger, observed my amazing dc cope (mostly) with the thing I never wanted for them.

Most importantly I've learnt to rely on myself. I'm still here. Bit bruised and battered, but I coped.

Good post nicenewdusters

Thanks nicenewdusters, it's great to hear positive thoughts from someone who has come out the other side.
Dd has been terrible again at times today. She is suddenly so angry and aims it all at ds and I. We had another long chat earlier and I reiterated what I said to her last night about anger being ok but learning to deal with it as positively as she can. Lots of other stuff came spilling out, namely some school friend stuff I had no idea about. She is struggling and I need to be there for her.
We had a big cuddle and she had a really good long sob so I hope some of it at least has come out.
I asked her what she meant about not sleeping at her dad's. She said she wants to see him but she can't sleep because it's uncomfortable and cold. I said she can make her own choices but maybe we try for now taking her fleecy onesie and a dressing gown. I also suggested taking a book and a little nightlight so she can read for a bit to try and make herself sleepy.
This weekend has been bloody hard work.

I'm in exactly the same boat Ale only DH admitted he was leaving me for another woman who is 20 years younger than him (we have a 10 year age gap). I recently found out I was pregnant so don't have any children of my own (yet) but completely empathise with your situation.

Stay strong lovely and we're all here if you need anything. We can do this! x

nicenewdusters - that's good to read for me too.
OP - glad you spoke to DD about why she doesn't like sleeping over. It sounds like you have had a crap weekend. But you have dealt with it brilliantly and hopefully it will start getting easier for all you. It's such a big change for you all.

Hang in there Alec

Where is he living op? It might be worth mentioning to him that she said it was uncomfortable and cold-as then he can do something about it. hard as it is, it's better for the kids if they feel they have two homes that they are happy to go to.
I feel for you op-it's bloody hard work watching your kids trying to process something this massive and that you know is hurting them when none of it is what you wanted. You are doing brilliantly with it.really.

OP, my ds is the same age as your dd, and his reaction has been one of anger. He can be quite head strong anyway, but he's also very shy and quite anxious. This combination has made for some interesting times! Like you I let him have his rants, shouts, etc, and I tell him I understand. Also like you I say that this can only go so far. I tell him that I feel angry too sometimes, but that I have to control it.

His biggest problem is thinking that I'll go too. He often calls out in the house to make sure I'm there, won't shut the car door 'till I get in, is anxious to know when I'll be back if I go out. One night, about a year ago, I was tucking him in and he just clung onto me. I said what's wrong, and he said I'm scared you're going to go too, and just sobbed his heart out. Just thinking about it now makes me feel tearful.

I don't know how to "fix" this, so just constantly tell him if I'm going to the garden, popping next door, getting something from the car. He's got a lot better, I'm hoping that with age he will see I'm not going anywhere. It's hard, I feel for you.

H is living with his dad and step mum and they are not known for their generosity when it comes to heating! Also dd and ds take turns having the bed or a mattress and I just don't think she finds it easy to sleep.
Yesterday was a better day all round, a lot calmer. Having the daily routine helps although last night I felt like a taxi service in and out like I don't know what!
I do feel absolutely shattered, I know I'm not getting enough sleep really but I can function on not much really.

I think you will just have to relay what dd has said about being uncomfortable when visiting h to him- he will have to speak to his parents and get them to at least make sure it's warm enough.

Glad yesterday was better-routine helps.try not to get too run down ale-nytol might be your friend here. I went a bit mad through sleep deprivation-it certainly didn't help me make good decisions at times, though I couldn't see it in the moment. Friend gave me some of his heavy duty sleeping pills and I took them one night-felt so much better for having been knocked out for a decent sleep.( though wouldn't recommend it as a regular solution).
Look after yourself ducky.its important.

Today has been a down day.
Work is bloody hard at the moment. I have been teaching 18 years and have a lot of experience but I feel I have lost all my confidence at the moment. I know it is because of what has happened but I almost feel out of my depth and I don't like it. Work was the one part of my life I was in control of and it feels like it is slipping away.
I haven't had the kids tonight and I have really let a lot of emotions out I think. I just couldn't stop crying and I haven't been like that since the early days.

Sorry it's not been a good day. I bet from the outside you're doing just as good a job as usual, but with so much on your mind you don't feel that way.

No harm in a good old sob. Be easy on yourself, these are still the early days. You're doing as well as you need to be just now. So, blow your nose, into bed, and onwards and upwards tomorrow!

I've been the same today ale. I find some days I feel ok and then others like I'm
back at square one! Im in the same profession as you also and am finding it really hard to focus and get things done. I've arranged to see a counsellor today as I feel like I need to try and get some understanding and maybe closure (if that's even possible)
Hope tomorrow is s better day for both of us

Bless you...dont be hard on yourself. I dont know you but feel your pain I think alot of us have felt it so really truly know how you're feeling. Your children will get you through this. I think you are amazing xxxx hoping tomorrow is a better day xxxx

Sounds like the last few days have been very tough, Alec. It's still very early days and it's perfectly normal to feel like this. Am sure you needed a good cry after supporting your DC through their emotional journey, and trying to hold it together at work too. Thinking of you

Thanks everyone, that made me all teary again.
Wanting sorry you had a bad day too, let's hope today is better for both us. I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of the dc at 7 so the house will be full of noise and chatter again.
You're right about putting on a front. I feel like I do that all the time. Everyone thinks I am doing so well but they don't see nights like last night. Many of my work colleagues are friends and have been amazing, checking on me regularly but I haven't really let my guard down with many.

Ale - I am a teacher too and found the same thing when I was going through my divorce. It felt like something to do with lack of confidence in decision making - even in what to say/do in the classroom when you are thinking on your feet and usually do stuff automatically.

It will settle down when your home life is more settled. Remember - this is VERY early days

I actually lost my job when I found out about my h and best friend. I didn't have the wherewithal to cope with it-still don't really. So I think you are doing amazingly!
Some people can throw themselves in to work as a distraction.I'm not one of them.Ive found therapy useful in terms of controlling anxiety and we are just now starting to work on my trying to process and let go of what has happened. Might be worth a go ale-I found it much easier than talking to friends about it all (even though my friends have been great I felt like I was boring them all with it in the end, rightly or wrongly).

Well it's Friday night again and I've made it!
It has been an up and down week which started with some tough days and has got better.
I am hoping to hear from my IFA early next week, I really need news on the house. I feel like I am in limbo all the time. The longer it goes on, the longer the kids just get used to being here all the more. I have tried not to talk about moving as a possibility until I have to. They know it is a possibility but I don't think it was doing them any good dwelling on it.

Well done For getting through another week. That limbo feeling is a bit of bugger-be good to know one way or another as then you can plan.
Wishing you a happy weekend op...