Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

Bf's husband went out with him last night but he didn't talk much although he says he is adamant there is no ow.
I have thought many times about what I would do if he changed his mind and wanted back in. I just don't think I could do it. The kids would be over the moon but what if he changed his mind again? The devastation the second time would be even worse. I just know I could never trust him not to do it again and I could not live with that hanging over me. It would feel as though our relationship was fake as I would be trying too hard all the time.
I loved him before he left and I loved him after he left but I'm not sure I do now. Obviously you can't just turn off feelings but the other feelings I feel towards him now have taken over. Now when I see him my overwhelming feeling is anger.

Ah AleC4 - I think you're doing amazingly well. Your X is selfish and deluded. It is just dawning on him the life he has chosen - sad Dad in a sad Dad flat. Too bad. Thinking that he really could just walk away and everything would be fine suited him and enabled him to still think of himself as a good and decent man. He will now start to see everything he is losing.. for what? For everyone to think he's not a great guy - but a man who walks out on his partner and his DCs. Thats really not going to be good for his self image.

Stay strong girl. You are bigger, braver, stronger than he will ever be. He is weak and small and unworthy. Of course he has caused utter devastation and he chose to do that - he chose this for you and your DCS, even if he walked into it as a man blind to what he was doing. He will have to live with that. You are picking up the pieces and it is you who will see the DCs through this, however hard it is. And they will know that.

Be brave. Be angry.

So I think h got his first glimpse of ds's feelings today.
They spent the night there last night and came back after lunch. I took dd to gymnastics and then ds and I went out for a milkshake. When we are on our own he tends to open up more so I try to make some time when I can.
He was quiet so I asked him what was wrong. He said he didn't know if his dad would want to see him again. I asked why and he said he had upset his dad and made him cry.
Apparently a row erupted from nothing and h shouted at ds. He cried and then h asked him why he was crying. Ds shouted at him and told him he cried a lot now and it was all his fault. He told him he had been upset several times before school because of him. Apparently h cried.
I told ds it was no way his fault, that his dad loves him very much and will definitely still want to see him. I had to reassure him that it is ok to show his feelings towards his dad, especially anger.
To be honest, even when I told h that ds was struggling emotionally he said he had always been fine with him. Well he would be wouldn't he? He only sees him a few hours a week really and they try really hard to enjoy their time. It was inevitable the anger would out sometime soon and I'm glad it has. His dad needs to see how much he has hurt him as I'm sure he doesn't believe me.
I just told ds that his dad would have been upset because it is the first time he has seen the hurt and he would have been shocked that ds actually came out and said what he did. I am proud of ds for letting his dad know how he feels.
I took them out for tea tonight. They have had a lot of treats recently but they bloody deserve it.

Just want to say how well you did with the balance of your response to your your poor DS. See how well you've done - your DS has managed to be so brave to be honest with his Dad. You should be so proud of him and you for enabling him to be that emotionally capable.

And, yes, the truth is coming home to your XH. He cannot walk away without knowing the truth of what he had done to you all. He cannot choose to ignore what you've told him. You knoww the children and how they feel because you are the one who looks after them - he now cant choose to ignore your views or advice - he has to face the impact on his DCs. Truth sets in. Bad news - he is the bad guy. Fuck him.

Agree totally with Mummydummy. I am so glad that your son was able to tell him how he was feeling. You've helped him to be able to do that. Be proud of him. Be so very proud of yourself.

I am so so proud of him and I have told him so. I know the feelings came out in anger but he could easily have kept it in and just said he was upset because he was in trouble.
I hate what this has done to my children but if they come out of it emotionally strong then that is a good thing.
I really hope I am handling all this correctly, so far so good in that their reactions and emotions have been exactly what I had expected.
I honetly think h expected it all to be a lot easier than this. He expected me to feel the same, the children to adapt immediately to going from being in a happy family of four to packing and unpacking their favourite things all the time and moving from one house to another, he expected to be able to go out and get a house just like that and slot into a new life.
I would love someone to ask him was our marriage really so bad that he was more unhappy in it than he is now. I suspect the answer is definitely no.

Oh, it sounds like you handled that very well, OP.

Well handled op.

I had a lovely day with my fab family today. We went to an arts festival where my parents live and the kids enjoyed it.
Tonight I have booked tickets for the three of us to see two musicals locally in the next few months. I am trying to find things all the time that are different to what we did before as a family. I find trying to do things we always enjoyed but with one person missing just doesn't work. My aim is to build new memories of different things.

I'm glad you had a good day and you're finding new fun things for you to do with the DCs. It really helps to have things to look forward to, new adventures. Well done. You can do it.

You're building new memories with them, doesn't matter who's missing. They had a lovely time, so did you.

Well done Alec. It's amazing that your DS was able to be honest with his Dad and then tell you about it too. I know it's awful to see him upset, but it's better than if he was suppressing all those feelings and putting on a brave face to both you and H.

What on earth was your H thinking?? It sounds more and more as if he just hadn't properly thought this through at all. I would feel sorry for him, except that as he went through this himself (when his parents split up) he really should have had more empathy for how your DC would feel. He must have the emotional depth of a puddle.

The musicals idea is fab. Your DC are so lucky to have you!

Wow yesterday was a tough day. Ds was off school ill but I'm not actually sure he was actually ill. I think it was caused by anxiety. He had a stomach cramps and an upset stomach. I felt awful thinking he had got to the stage where it is making him ill.
Then I had the financial advisor round last night and it was awful going through all the facts and figures again. It feels so wrong to be totally reassessing my life now, unexpectedly.
Today has been better however. Ds felt better and went to school. In fact, he was on top form tonight making us all laugh. This is going to be one hell of a tough journey but we will get there, I am determined.

Ah dear Ale - it is tough for the kids. In the first term of my break up my ever so bright and healthy DD was off for a total of 3 weeks - it really did make her ill, and I got tonsilitis too. But you are there and wrapping them in love and they will survive. Well done. Keep strong and look after yourself too. And there are still those bright and jolly moments to give you pleasure. You somehow appreciate the light moments more - like little glittering jewels of light. I'm glad today was a good day.

Same here op-my two had more time off school the first term after my split than they had ever had before.
Stress affects the boys in funny ways.
Glad today was better.
I hear you about it all not being what you expected to be doing at this point in your life-in fact I said to a friend yesterday, whilst lamenting how skint we both are, that this isn't the life I signed up for-it's hard to process it sometimes.

AleC

You're doing really great.

I like this

I have made sure he has seen me since the split as confident, together, organised and strong

And I like your brave and lovely DS for telling his dad how he felt. He should know and he should feel guilty.

Having a close supportive family like yours is priceless at times like this. Keep going and know that you will feel angry with him. That's normal.

Hey Alec, how are you? How's this week been?

Well I made it through another week. Friday night so the kids are with their dad. I am absolutely exhausted tonight and really looking forward to my bed.
I am worrying about financial things a lot at the moment as I haven't heard anything from my IFA yet. I just worry that he can't find a lender.
The kids have been ok this week after a tough start for ds. Dd has had a few terrible temper tantrums. Not attractive in a 9 year old but it's her way of letting off steam.

Well it's a lot for her to come in-there's bound to be a bit of tantrumming. I'm sure you handled it with aplomb.
The finance stuff is horrible.because it's one area (or was for me) that we had worked hard to get right.having that rug pulled out and having to go back to worrying was a real kick in the teeth on top of the rest.
Hope you got some rest last night ale, and are ok today.

Having a tough time with dd at the mo. She is just being horrible to ds and also to me. She is looking for an argument all the time, nit-picking, shouting demands etc She has always been a feisty diva but I am finding it really hard to cope with her at the moment. I know it is all her anger coming out but it is so hard when it is aimed at me.
Tonight was dreadful. She had wound ds up and then wound me up more and more and more. She was just screaming at me about everything and nothing. I just lost it and started yelling at her too. We were all shouting at each other and then all crying. It was not pretty. I guess there will be many more scenes like this.
We had a big group cuddle together and talked about feelings, how to deal with them, how it is healthy to feel angry but not right to scream insults at me as I am hurting too and I'm did not ask for any of this to happen.

Op it will take a while. All you can do is love her and listen. My DS was in bits. I could not even leave the room without him thinking i wasn't returning. Then he got angry and then just very very sad. Despite all the 'dad loves you' spouted by exh he hurt DS as much as he hurt me. Sadly exh can still not get that and wonders why DS does not act the same with him!
Your dd is hurting, she knows you are there though

Really feel for you OP but it sounds like you dealt with it as well as you could. My STBXH left me a couple of months ago because of OW. The DCs don't know why he left so they seemed to take it quite well. But like you the cracks are starting to appear. Annoyingly they are fine when they are with him. It seems to only be me that has to deal with the tantrums, bad rude behaviour (they weren't in anyway angels before but definitely worse), answering back, tears about going to school, being really clingy etc. It is such a hard time but the kids have to go through all the stages of grief too. Mine are younger than your (5 & 8) and so far haven't hit the anger stage but have been told to expect it. At the end of all this they will always know and remember that you were the one that was there for them.

We had a nice cuddle before she went to bed and I told her again that it is ok to be angry but just to try and think about how we handle it. I told her that sometimes she might not understand her feelings and that's ok too.
Mine are very angry at their dad even though there is supposedly no ow. They just can't u detest and why he would break up a loving family. Dd actually shouted tonight, in the heat of a row, that she doesn't like sleeping at her dad's. I don't know whether to ask her about it tomorrow or just leave it.

You get the worst of your dd behaviour cos she unconsciously knows you are the one who loves her unconditionally and she is safe to behave like that with you. It sucks from your point of view though xx

Ami that is the nail hit perfectly on the head. Even after two years DS is perfect with dad and if he is upset it is with me.