Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

Iflyaway

Have you read the whole thread? If so you will see the OP has gradually developed strength and a coping mechanism that may not have been there at the beginning of the thread.

Maybe you should act on your username

Thanks forme, united we stand.
I'm us the absolute worst feeling in the world. I feel so helpless. He is just the loveliest boy and I hate seeing him in so much pain. He is finding it so hard to cope with starting secondary school at the same time as dealing with all this.

Iflyaway if I've got this right your h left when your son was one? I have three children of different ages and I can say that the almost one year old doesn't know the difference! However my 9 year old is absolutely devastated. So I really don't think you have a clue what you are talking about tbh!
The op knows her own child and is absolutely not being a drama queen, I felt the exact way myself!
As the last poster said, please do as your username suggests!

So sorry, OP, it is extremely hard to see your child going through a hard time. My philosophy is I do what I can with the best of intentions, but when things go wrong in spite of that, it was meant to happen.

It is only natural that you would never want your child to suffer anything ever. But these rough patches in life will eventually help to strengthen him, especially with such a lovely thoughtful mother.

Sorry your DS is finding this so tough, Alec. That must be so so hard for you

I hope he settles in well to the new school over the next few weeks

Good lord iflyaway... Im glad your child is fine.But all kids aren't the same and what some will breeze through, others will find massively difficult. It's hardly being dramatic to be concerned about your own child when they are struggling.
Here's your grip back-i think you might need it tbh.
Is there any counselling service at school/via local Mind or similar that you may be able to help DS access op?
My girls seemed fine at first but it was all a big front and it is now emerging that they have been and are very upset. We've started a bit of family therapy-them on their own and the three of us together-which Im paying for-nothing available for ages where I am-expensive but I think worth it-if it only gets them to feel able to express what they are feeling and not bottle it up.
I'm not in the least bit woo and the idea of therapy was a bit ridiculous to me at one point-but actually it's really helped.

Why is it that the man can just walk away and start their lovely single life not having to worry about the children.

Wonder how he would feel if you said that you'd changed your mind and he could stay in the house with the kids and you'd move out

.

My 8 year old is nearly two years post split and she remains destroyed. Sorry op I'm only saying that to reassure you that it's not just you.

She is still requiring help at school and is still showing signs of depression.

Some people want to believe divorce is no problem for children. Maybe a minority ARE unaffected. In my experience it's devastating.

Ale does your H know the effect his decision has had on his son? I bloody well hope so - is he dealing with any of his own child's hurt?

Iflyaway - at one year old your ds would have had very little awareness of this sort of situation - show some empathy ffs. Here, have your grip back:

In fact, have several!

aleC4 Just dropping in to wish you & your children well. I can see that you are taking one day at a time & struggling with the devastating hurt caused to your DC.

Thanks for your on-going support everyone.
Ds seems a lot more relaxed today so I think talking to his friend's mum helped. I think he needed to get it all out to be honest.
I had a text from dh today asking if I was alright. What the actual uc is that all about? Of course I'm not alright! I told him the truth and was brutally honest. I told him how angry I am at the moment and how much he has hurt the kids.

What did he have to say to that Ale?! It's so frustrating isn't it, I know I find it so difficult to understand.

Delurking to say how amazing you are.

Oh looking back I love the are you alright messages!
It is so what they want to hear
I know this has been said before. I have lurked on your thread from the start. He has met someone else. To this day I would not have believed it of my ex, except I had an anonymous text message informing me. Even then he denied it. Minimised it, yes I have met someone but we have just cried on each other's shoulders about how bad our relationships are! We too had been on a perfect holiday just a few weeks before. WTF. Even now he will not admit he is in a relationship with this woman, although he happily posts it all over Facebook where our child can see it. No man leaves to be alone

aleC4 you are doing an amazing job working and keeping your family and house running smoothly

I agree that you will go through many different emotions

I would recommend a divorce and a clean split, clean start for both of you

He chose to leave, so I would only speak to him about the children

I wonder what answer he expected? 'Yes fine ta'? I don't understand how people can screw someone over so massively and then think they have the right to even ask.
It is genuinely possible that he has no idea what he's done here? Or is he just minimising it to assuage the guilt he would otherwise feel? I'll never understand it.
That's good re DS ale...

Well done Alec for being honest in your response. It's a balancing act isn't it, between retaining your dignity but not letting him get away with thinking that his actions have had no negative impact on you or the DC. You were absolutely right in letting him know that he has to take responsibility for what DS, and you of course, are going through right now.

I'm heartbroken for you and your children aleC4. He really is a piece of work, no major red flags that something was up, mulling it over for a year, then boom, he's told you, the children, and he's off to Dads. Hadn't even the common decency to inform him before he walked in bag and baggage. I'm astonished you are doing so well. I really have a lot of respect for you. He would have redeemed himself in my opinion if he just said a year ago, that he wasn't happy and set out his grievances to you, so that you could work on them together to save your family .At least that would be have been honest of him. I'm sorry to say that this I'm not happy is garbage. He hasn't earned the right to leave you and your children after 15 years, as he's put no freaking work in resolving his issues, to do so. Tell him that next time you see him. It's just me, but I'm afraid I'd want more than what he's given you as an explanation. There would be one almighty row, maybe that's not your style. It's just my take, I wish you all the very best, you are fantastic. Thank whatever God you believe in that you have a good family on both sides and friends that can get you through this mess. I pity your husband, he's such a damn fool.

Pacific you are so right, it is a balancing act. I'm not giving him the satisfaction of knowing how much it's hurt me and my plans for the future but he bloody well needs to know that his children cry regularly, that ds is unsettled at school and that I am actually really, really angry.
He has always maintained that he was pretty sure I felt the same as him so wouldn't be that bothered. Well wouldn't that have been nice and easy for him? Live apart but still parent together and look like a family when we need to with no hard feelings? I don't think so.
I think he is struggling with accepting what he has done because he knows he didn't give it a chance and was unfair to me. I think the guilt is beginning to set in. The kids are with me most of the time and he must miss them so much, yet he knows he chose to leave them.
My bf's husband went out with h tonight for a drink. They were friends before and I said it didn't bother me at all. I know they are really supportive of me. I know he wanted to get h to talk, he wanted whys and answers to questions. He didn't get it though. He said it was like the elephant in the room. He said h was quiet, not the normal bloke he knows, seemed as though he was hurting. Good, I said. I bloody hope he is because we are too and we had no choice in it.

'Wouldn't be that bothered' well there's a man trying to ease his guilty conscience.
I wonder how much he's realising what a fuck off error he's just made yet.

I think the realisation is just dawning to be honest. He has realised that in a few days his dad is back from hols and he has no proper space to spend time with the kids, he is realising how much he has hurt me, he is realising how angry I am and he is realising that he has devastated the kids.
I am not setting out to make him feel worse at all but he must see what a good relationship I have with the kids.
I am a strong person but I can also hide my feelings well. I have made sure he has seen me since the split as confident, together, organised and strong. The only problem with that is he is only just realising exactly how I feel. I think he has seen a few bits in fb and he is beginning to see what he has done.

Good-he needs to really.
Have you thought what you would say if he asked to come back? I only ask because if there is no ow involved it seems that he might when he realises that the grass isn't greener on his own. (I've seen this in a relationship amongst some friends of ours and the wife is in limbo whilst the h ends up spending half his time at the house he 'left' as he wants to 'make sure the kids are ok' but really because he is lonely. It makes it impossible for any of them to move on and yet he says he doesn't want back in the marriage).

He knows what he's done, but he's buried it deep down.

It suits him to believe that you weren't bothered, because then he can live with his cruel and selfish decision. He can look people in the eye and say, "AleC and I were unhappy, we had grown apart'. By doing this he feels justified. It's weak and selfish, but my ex, and countless others I'm sure, all pedaled this lie, to make themselves feel better.

The trouble is, everyone knows it's a big fat lie. As does he. So, seeing you coping, strong, putting on a front and making the best of it, reinforces what deep down he knows: he walked away from a strong wonderful woman and everyone thinks he's lost his mind., He let you and the kids down. The fault is his and his alone. So he's quiet and withdrawn, because what he's done is try to minimise the devastation he's caused but it can't be buried, it's huge.

A good man would have told you a long time ago that he was unhappy and would have moved heaven and earth, tried everything to make his marriage work. But he didn't. My ex didn't either.

Everyone has the right to walk away if they no longer love their partner. But when kids are involved, they must try to fix that marriage. If you both had the chance to do this, if he had been open and you knew how he felt, that would have given him, you and the kids every chance to keep your family together.

He chose instead to walk away, rather than fix it. Now, on the outside he can see only too well what he's walked away from. His lie, his premise that you both wanted the split only works if everyone buys into it. You never did, so he's left with a lot of thinking to do. If he has a shred of decency, he will 'own' his selfish decision, and do all he can to build a strong relationship with his kids. He will respect your anger.

Unfortunately the sort of man who will put his kids first now, is the man who would have been honest months ago, and tried to work with you to fix your marriage.

He's physically gone, he's now facing the truth that mentally, he can't just wipe out the past.

Good question. Be prepared for that. My exh left and wanted to come back a year later. We gave it another go but it was horrendous and I regret it.

Btw there was no ow although there were clear problems in the relationship which we both acknowledged and we had been limping along for years.