Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

My mum especially is really struggling with the why. I have said I can't keep going over and over why when he hasn't realities a reason. She is angry, for herself, me and her grandchildren so I can't blame her. She can't understand why he would throw away 15 years of marriage, 20 years of friendship a wide circle of friends and an immensely loving wider family (on my side) for what seems like nothing.

Wanting I would say he just seems indifferent. I didn't think he was unhappy and he seems no different now.

I think you need to steel yourself.

As a previous poster said, all of this is very suggestive of another woman. That is the why. That is why he would throw it all away.

He is indifferent as someone else has his affections.

The last time I got dumped out of absolutely nowhere and it was a bolt from the blue and he was seemingly happy with me, he had been cheating for a few months. He was indifferent to me and didnt seem to care about anything he would miss out on by ending our relationship.

In his mind and in your exes mind, they are not missing out on anything. Nay the fun is just starting with their new woman.

You and your mum keep pondering the whys. It is going to hit you much much harder when you find out the truth. Start accepting it as a possibility.

He is leaving everything to me regarding the children as in he waits for me to suggest days for them to sleep over etc in addition to covering all the clubs etc.

Left you and not chasing to see his children...yah that because he is dating someone new and that is occupying all his time and thoughts.

The tone and mood of your posts are so much stronger and resilient than the start of his thread. In time we stop trying to decide why and work it out. It's really good to see you making plans and sounding brighter.

You may find you are happier in the end. I am.

Ds is really struggling with his emotions at the moment. He has had to cope with so much change in such a short time and I really feel for him. He is finding it hard to cope with starting secondary school, missing his dad, the anger, the sadness etc.
I could seriously rip h's head off for doing this to him.

Its so hard. Especially as he is not really taking initiative in seeing the children.

Just prepare yourself for more hurt. The BU came out of nowhere and he is indifferent to you and not asking to see his children unless you suggest the days.

His attention is on something else and a few have said what we think it is.

Just prepare for the worst. He doesnt deserve his family if my instincts are correct.

All you can do is be the parent your kids need you to be. And you seem
To be doing a great job of that right now.
It's very hard when you feel pole axed yourself and when you are very angry (rightly so) with h. There are times when all this will seem too massive and too much. When that happens, remind yourself that what he does in terms of his relationship with them is his to fuck up. Your relationship with the kids can only get stronger-and that will sustain both you and them for a lot longer than it will take you to start feeling better.

Hi ale, it sounds like you are starting to feel anger towards h now which is good! The anger helped me get through days in between feeling heartbroken. You are right to be angry at that shit for dumping your children like this, yes he may see them but essentially he has LEFT them on an everyday basis just because he wants to. You would think as a a teacher he would have more concern for his own children's well being!
I hate to say it but I found out my h's head had been turned by a woman at work which is why he left. It didn't result in anything but he chose to pursue that over the happiness of his children and his loyalty to his wife. He is now struggling with the guilt he is feeling but it's tough, my children are my world and for him to choose his own happiness over theirs so easily is unforgivable. Not to mention the ease at which he threw away our relationship because we were stuck in a rut without even having the decency to try to work on his marriage first. Your relationship with your children will go from strength to strength because you are the one who will always put them first and you don't need your selfish h to bring you down.

My son, was 13 when I was where you are now.

He took the break up extremely hard and ex's mantra of 'I'm not leaving you I'm leaving your mum' didn't wash at all. This was because ex didn't make the effort to see him on a regular basis. Also, on a basic level son saw that he had left him, simply because he left our home.

It could have worked out, but ex was too distracted by his new life, his OW was very much his priority. He even put OW's sons before his own. There was a time when he could have taken son to a medical appt but choose to spend time with one of OW's sons instead.

My son became terribly withdrawn, and the following couple of years were hard, he had counselling.

Five years later, and the 'honeymoon' period is long over for ex, and he has finally made an effort to reconnect with our son of 19. It's too late, son doesn't want to know. Ex, in his typical fashion, has accused me of driving a wedge between them. I haven't. He did this all on his own.

I can honestly say that the indifference towards his three kids hurt me far more than his treatment of me.

Tell your son's new Head of Year, pastoral team the situation, they need to know.

And you know I said when I posted at the start of your thread that I thought there was an OW? I am now certain of this.

hugs

Yes, I'm really sorry to agree with cary, pretty sure there's another woman. He's probably just too spineless to admit it or concealing it like my stbxh did in order to try and keep things snug for him (to try and get the best deal in a divorce settlement)
Like cary said also, look after your children because if his head has been turned, they will become less his priority.
These self entitled (in my case narcissistic) men make my blood boil, please protect yourself and your children. He is no longer your friend.

Hello OP, lurker hoping things are okay and improving for you. I have no relationship advice, sorry. Just wanted to say, have you thought of letting your current house in the case that you decide renting somewhere new is the way forward? You might be able to rearrange the mortgage so that it ticks over on it's own building equity for when you do want to buy. Depending on the equity to loan value, you might make enough to use the excess to build a lump sum that you can buy STBex with. He sounds like a fool, btw, what an idiot letting you go. Anyway, just a third alt for your where to live/ what to do dilemma.

Dear ale
I'm glad you're getting more angry and resentful. As Wanting said it helps you to get through - gives you steel and drive. You need steel to protect your own interests, to hold the line that you no longer have to care about his welfare. Its an appropriate response - he doesn't deserve anything more. I gave you some advice a while ago which I've repeated below - I hope you dont mind. But I want to modify one thing. I'm not so mad on always diagnosing its another woman - in a sense to me it doesnt matter, my focus is you and how you survive and obsessing about the other woman and their life together can become a passport to bitterness not focussing on looking after yourself and building, as I know you will, a good and happy life. However, I know when I was where you are now I bloody well needed to know what had happened to my marriage - every last thing I could find out. Because my ex and the OW knew what had happened and it was me who was in the dark, the mug behind whose back everything had happened. I found out everything I could and then I dropped it. I faced all the grief and then left it behind. Dug a hole and threw it in.

I also agree with telling the teachers - I told the form teacher and my DC's friends mums - asking them to keep an eye out and let me know if their children said anything about my DCs being upset at school. School were hugely supportive - they've lots of experience of handling it. I had to see the Head as my DD was having friendship problems and they helped me with that - I told her I cant have my DDs life being awful at home and school. And she did suffer - it made her ill - she was off with illness for 3 weeks that term, not her usual healthy sunny self at all. So I had to wrap her in all sorts of love and kindness - which helped me keep alive you know...

So my thoughts again:

• it will be a painful path but you will survive. Know it. You are strong, brave, big hearted
• dont try to block the pain and hurt, let yourself cry. Feel everything, the anger, bitterness, pain and hurt. It has to come out, and as it does it makes you stronger and aids your recovery
• know that one day it wont be the first thing that hits you when you wake or occupies your mind all day
• take each day as it comes - tiny victories
• be so kind to yourself, look after your health,
• get support from friends and family and MN!
• get good advice and take control to protect your interests - act whilst he is guilty (but not so fast you cant see the wood for the trees - big decisions about house and money need thought and balance)
• never ever use the children against him - they deserve two loving parents and healthy relationships with both.. your yardstick is their future love and respect for how you coped, your dignity (one day they will understand and know what you did for them)
• be thankful for the routine of looking after the kids, the things you have to do, they will keep you sane however impossible they will feel some days
• as time goes on find the little pleasures that you can look forward to - a night out with a friend, a weekend away...
• know you didn't deserve it and look at him as weak, he never gave the relationship the chance of counselling or talking to try and fix it, he just gave up - he will have to live with that. But know you are no longer responsible in any way for his life or happiness...
• let no one, no one, judge you. Not even you. Its not your fault. Full stop.
• know that the only person who will look after you and make you have a good and happy life is you. Choose a better future, you have a choice.
• you are free now to do as you want... watch a movie in bed, make a cuppa and have a bath in the middle of the night when you cant sleep, turn on the radio or listen to music to help you get to sleep, a lie in here and there...
• find attention elsewhere, of course you wont be able now but later allow yourself. There's never one man, one story, one path. There are new paths and adventures to be had. Once you are through the bereavement.

Best of luck, sympathy, huge hugs, kindness. Well done! you are a hero woman... Every day you are one day further on the road away from his cowardly walking away.

Thanks mummydummy for repeating that advice. I loved it the first time and I still do.
I have emailed the Y7 pastoral teacher to let her know the situation so hopefully ds can be supported well at school.
He seems happier tonight and they are with me so he is relaxed. He is a creature of habit and really dislikes all the to-ing and fro-ing.

Well done. I understand about the to-ing and for-ing, that will be a difficult adjustment. But that does become routine - just the usual habit. Make sure that they can discuss how they are feeling at any time, little things come out at odd moments when youre relaxing together... but it means you can give them emotional support. My ExH wasnt very good at this but we allowed meandering conversations to pick up on any issues they might have, which was way more effective than direct questions. As a result I think both my DCs are pretty emotionally mature and sensitive to people's feelings. i was determined my Ds wouldn't be emotionally messed up like his father.

Re sleeping over, I advised my ex to involve the DCs in getting things for their rooms (they were younger) but new PJs, snugglies (bed time cuddly toys), things for their room. And to have a stock of clothes there so they didnt have to carry those to and fro. But mine did have to to and fro with work books, PE kit etc for 2 days when they went on Wednesday nights. On the plus side I think it meant they were much more organised than their friends when they went to secondary school. Well done Ale - you're a star, and enjoy the cosy comfort of the DCs. They will remember who supported and loved them through this difficult time.

It's been a busy weekend here. I had a nice evening with my bf and her family last night to help me get through my first Saturday night without the kids.
The amazing ongoing support from my family and friends continues to amaze me and make me feel pleased with myself for choosing such lovely people to be my friends.
Dd had a great day today winning a silver medal in her tumbling competition for her gymnastics club so I had a real proud mummy moment.
Tomorrow I have an estate agent coming round to value the house so today the dc and I had a really good tidy up and got rid of some more stuff. I just want the valuation done now as it feels like the next step forward. As soon as it is done, my next step is a financial advisor.

Good stuff op...its great that you have such lovely friends-reinforced the fact that the problem is not you-it's him.

Wise words mummydummy

So the estate agent came to value the house today. The figure was about what I expected, maybe a touch higher.
I have booked to see a financial advisor next Monday night so we will see what that brings. I really, really hope he can find someone who will give me a mortgage. I'd love to be able to stay on the property ladder if I can.
I am beginning to warm to the idea of moving now, I love this house but it needs stuff doing to it and I fancy a fresh start.

Fresh start might be good.I opted to stay in my house-I now wish I'd moved.ex still seems to view it as being his slightly-he pays the child maintenance but most of it goes to pay the mortgage which he is aware of-so he sees it as 'paying for two houses'-if gives a weird dynamic to things. Plus it's not so easy to move on emotionally when you are somewhere so awash with memories.

I do like the idea if a fresh start and I think in the long run it will help the children to move on.
It all depends how many options i have really.

I'm in the process of redecorating my living room and boxing up all of h's stuff. Do you have much contact with him now ale? Bearing in mind he said at the start that he considered you a good friend?
Mine is very friendly but I am always the one who instigates any contact. I just can't understand how someone can cut themselves off from a person who they have spent every day with for seventeen years (in my case) when we haven't fallen out as such. I was just wondering if your h was similar?

We have plenty of contact but it is only about the kids.
At the moment I am struggling with my anger and am finding it hard to see him as a friend and make small talk about work etc. I genuinely feel at the moment that I have no interest in his life whatsoever.
I am just so angry at him for what he has done to my children. Ds is really struggling at the monent and I hate the fact that I can't make it go away for him. I have always protected my children. I know I can never forgive h for what he has done and I am finding it hard to like him at the mo.
I think in time we could maybe be friends but only when the children have healed and moved on.

It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

Sorry, but you sound like a drama queen....

I have a beautiful child, single mum, and he hasn't been destroyed at the age of 25, for 24 years!!

Did someone hand you a grip yet?

I know it's hard but now you can set your own goals.!! First one, is dump!
No-one gets to treat you like that unless you allow it.

Thanks for that last comment. I really needed that right now.
Right now, at this moment, my sweet, sensitive, kind 11 year old boy is destroyed and the fact that I can't help him us killed by me.
If that makes me a drama queen then so be it. 🙁

Sorry that should have said 'is killing me'.

Iflyaway

Hi Ale, I have been lurking and following your thread with interest and much admiration. Just wanted to post (first time ever on MN) to say I am with you. My 13 yr old DS has also been heartbroken since his Dad moved out four months ago, and seeing the pain that my children go through without being able to "fix" it is far worse than my own considerable pain. Drama queens unite?