Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

OP you are doing really really well even though you dont feel it but please do be prepared for there being another woman. Men dont usually leave or fall out of love without there being someone else and of course then they rewrite your history. Of course he says he has felt like this for a year and that you had no idea that he felt like this. Thats because most likely he hasnt really being feeling this way that long but that some other woman has made him feel feelings that he hasnt felt for a long time. So he now feels that the problem is that he doesnt love you. Maybe a bit of a mid life crises going on and he feels different and alive. Time will tell but please do be prepared. Has all the markings of an affair.

I have only read your posts OP so I assume I will be repeating what other people have said but here it is anyway:

1. the fact that the entitledto.org calculator said you could get so little is actually a good thing, that means that you have a good salary (even if it doesn't look like it to you at this time), which should be enough, if you organise yourself well, to have a reasonable lifestyle and to move on without the restrictions receiving tax credits and benefits can put on you. You have freedom and that is an invaluable thing.

2. Hold on the house for dear life. Getting the equity to rent is a bad plan, at some point the money will run out and you will be worse off, when it comes to property ownership, than you are today. See the IFA ASAP. I had already given up on the idea of keeping the house (after 5 banks said no), when my mortgage advisor found me a deal that I could afford.

I will be paying the mortgage until I am 65 BUT, with inflation, it is much cheaper than paying rent (at this moment renting a 3B house like mine would cost me about 3 times my mortgage payment). I also have the security that if things go wrong/emergencies, the house can be sold. I can also rent it and get something smaller if I need the money to support DS when he is at uni. So it means, I have options.

3. I am going to go against the grain here, but I do think it is a good idea to sort the finances while he is still feeling guilty about leaving (as long that you can take a very informed decision with the advice of your solicitor). Much better to do it now, when you can put yourselves on each other's shoes, than when you are all angry, resentful and trying to score points on each other. If the legal separation agreement sounds good to your solicitor, ask them if it would be a good idea to make it permanent by formalising it as court order.

4. Regarding the possibility of another woman... if there is one you will now in the future but good on you not to trouble yourself with those thoughts, you already have enough on your plate. (And in any case, the existence of another woman doesn't change anything when it comes to the separation of assets, unless she owns a house and they are already openly living together there).

Best of luck OP, you are doing great.

I really don't know why you wouldn't get the house pretty much anyway. My ex and I in similar salaries. You have to declare pensions too. his more than mine as I worked part time for 7 years when dcs were little. Fact kids will live with you. I got all but 5 grand of equity and it was over 70k overall. We did this all ourselves without a solicitor. We shared the debt between us. So I have had to take out a longer mortgage so 20 instead of the 14 yrs I had left. I really think you need a good financial advisor.

Just dropped the kids off for their first overnight together with their dad.
It was horrible.
The house feels so empty and quiet.
I am going to put the football on and sort through my work ready for going back to school tomorrow.
Wish me luck, it's a long time until bedtime!

Stay strong OP! Always darkest before the dawn!

Thanks I'm hanging in there!
I've done my ironing and now just having a chill before I cook myself some tea. That is something I need to be careful of as I hate cooking for one, it seems such a waste of time.

Maybe plan on cooking something fun or different for yourself that the kids wouldn't eat on those evenings.

I know you are working tonight on class preparation, but whenever you can take advantage to catch up with your friends and have a night out when your children aren't there. There will come a time when you'll consider yourself lucky to have this arrangement.

Thanks Atenco, that is exactly what I intend to do.
At the moment I will be settling in to the new term and there will be plenty of work in the evenings but once September is over I ram going to make sure I go out during these evenings. A friend has already asked me to go and see Bridget Jones so that is on the horizon for a child-free night.

That's the ticket op. Get yourself some plans in place for when they DC aren't there-and make yourself do them.I find it too easy to wallow sometimes when mine are gone and it does me no good really.

Well I made it!
I am up, dressed and ready for my first day back at work for 6 weeks. I am looking forward to having something else to think about, to a new routine and to the support I will continue to get from fab friends. I do feel a little apprehensive though as only a few people know and as it comes out I know I'll have a steady stream of oriole coming to see if I'm ok. That's lovely but I'll be explaining over and over and it still hurts.
I've discovered I don't like mornings without the kids any more than nights. Particularly on school mornings our house is always chaos and it is painfully quiet this morning. However I am using the positive and allowing myself a chilled first morning and easing myself in gently before the kids go back tomorrow.

Have a good day op

I love your spirit, Ale, your ex is a total fool

So I had a good first day back at work today. People who know were lovely, and those who don't soon will I am sure.
It was nice to have something different to occupy my mind today and I felt very settled and comfortable at work. I know it is going to be hard doing my job and being an almost single parent but I feel excited by the new term. H and I always supported each other with work stuff and I will miss that but at least I don't have to feel guilty when I work late in the evening, I can set my own agenda.
Today I booked for a solicitor to come and do a valuation on the house, next Monday. So that feels like another step. When I got home I absolutely blitzed the kitchen and cleaned all the cupboards out - it felt so good!
Tomorrow is a big day for ds - his first day at secondary school. I am so proud of the boy he is, I could burst. He is really excited about his first day and I cn't wait to find out all about it tomorrow. I am going to finish work early and take the both out for tea so we can celebrate and chat it. about it.

You are such a strong lady. Nearly the exact same thing happened to me a couple of months ago and I was nowhere near as together as you are. Like you though, I got my strength from loving my kids and making sure we have the best times together.
I still find that I miss h and have to stop myself from contacting him all the time. Has your h given you any more insight on what he is feeling since he left? Does he still seem happy with his decision?

No insight at all but seems happy with his decision. I gave him a chance after a week to change his mind, asked if he was 100% sure etc he was adamant.
My mum especially is really struggling with the why. I have said I can't keep going over and over why when he hasn't realities a reason. She is angry, for herself, me and her grandchildren so I can't blame her. She can't understand why he would throw away 15 years of marriage, 20 years of friendship a wide circle of friends and an immensely loving wider family (on my side) for what seems like nothing.
I have come to the conclusion that perhaps his expectations of what a marriage is are unrealistic. He comes from a broken marriage himself and practically all of his relatives are separated or divorced so he has little experience of what a happy marriage actually is. My parents are still very much together but I think I have a more realistic view. I've seen them bicker, disagree, go through ferrying kids around from one club to another, my dad working away a lot when we were kids, good times and bad times but they stuck together. It makes me so angry that I didn't even get a chance to make him realise we were not 'drifting apart' we were just a busy couple, working full time in demanding jobs and putting our kids first.

Sounds like a good first day and I hope your son enjoys it. My daughter started secondary last week and she liked it. We are 3 years on from exh leaving in a very similar way. My parents really struggled too. My mum couldn't speak to ex for a long time. It's a grieving process for them too.

You are doing amazingly well aleC, such a strong dignified lady, and a great mum.

I found work a great help, supportive colleagues and teaching means we have to live in the moment, so I was forced to focus on my job, which really helped.

Your comment about your ex having an idealised idea of marriage really resonated too; my ex came from a broken home and looking back I think he wasn't realistic about the reality of day to day married life. I think your ex, like mine, will realise that once the novelty wears off, the grass isn't greener.

My ex doesn't get that happiness comes from within, and it isn't up to other people to make him happy. Ultimately he will always be unhappy, moving to others, searching for the impossible. Blaming them when they can't live up to his impossible expectations.

Your mum, like my parents is worried about you and the kids. Mine couldn't understand how mine walked away, and they also had to grieve by losing, without warning, the man they had treated like a son for more than twenty years. What helped them was seeing that I was coping. I think my little eighty year old mum would wipe the floor with him if their paths crossed again!

Have a good day, hope DS settles well in his new school.

Yes, I agree too about the unrealistic expectations. (I was on this thread earlier OP, but have been away on holiday.) When our DC were small DH and I went through a tough time - tired, stressed, not enough time for us as a couple etc etc - and I've often thought we might have split up if it wasn't for the fact that we both come from stable marriages and understand that it can't be hearts and flowers all the time. It's a shame your DH hasn't had the opportunity to learn this too. He doesn't realise what he's walking away from

You're right, I don't think he does realise what he is walking away from.
Both kids have had a good day. Ds hasn't stopped talking about his new school and new friends. I took them out for tea and we have had a lovely chat about their day and mine and just enjoyed each other's company. He has missed out on that. I don't feel sorry for him I just feel sorry he had to do it.

What a good start for you all. I'm so pleased that all of your days were good.
This is laying down an inner strength that will help you get through any hard times in the future.

That's exactly how I feel ale, I've heard every detail about the first day at school today, I saw their excitement first hand. How could he not want to be a part of that? What has possessed our h's to decide it's not for them anymore?? Were things seriously that bad?! My h is now living on his own, pretty much working and sleeping, he isn't happy, says I didn't make him unhappy yet would rather miss out on his children's lives and our family life for what? I don't know if I will ever understand. Does your h seem happier now?

Wanting I would say he just seems indifferent. I didn't think he was unhappy and he seems no different now. He doesn't seem down but he's certainly not brimming over with excitement either.
I got the old line about me not making him unhappy too. I didn't make him unhappy but I obviously didn't make him happy enough to stay. Like you I don't think I will ever understand why he has chosen this path. I just have to accept it and move on.
He is leaving everything to me regarding the children as in he waits for me to suggest days for them to sleep over etc in addition to covering all the clubs etc. I have used it to my advantage and told him he is having them on Tuesday next week so I can go on a night out with work friends. I may as well have a social life when they're not with me!

Glad you all had a good day...

Well done Alec. If he's leaving all the childcare arrangements to you, you may as well make sure they suit you as well as him. So glad DS is enjoying his new school!