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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

992 replies

aleC4 · 21/08/2016 23:12

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

OP posts:
JudyCoolibar · 30/08/2016 18:40

I really think you need to be hard-nosed about keeping the house. You say you want your ex to have somewhere where the children can see him without the grandparents around, but is that really more important than the children staying in the home they know with you, being able to stay in their current school and near their friends, and not having the instability of moving from rented house to rented house?

ivykaty44 · 30/08/2016 20:09

I missed something

If you get a mortgage now at 40 you will be 65 when you pay it off, which you think is to old

But you want to rent for a while get your credit score up and then take out a mortgage - meaning you will be older starting the mortgage and obviously older than 65 finishing the mortgage

Sorry I don't get the logic on this?

Financial independents is over rated

Original poster
aleC4 · 30/08/2016 23:23

Today has been a good day. I met with a lovely friend and her kids this mornings by and we took a picnic to a local park. Then the kids spent the afternoon with h. I took dd to gymnastics so ds spent the evening also with his dad. I even managed to get some school work done!
I cooked a proper meal for myself and ate it all for the first time in 8 days.
The biggest one for me and dd - she has gone to sleep in her own bed tonight. She is fast asleep and I'm sure it will do her good. I've told her my door is always open so if she needs me in the night she can sneak in. As for me, it's hard too! I slept alone at my sister's but this is the first time since it happened that I have slept alone in my own bed.

OP posts:
ConkersDontScareSpiders · 30/08/2016 23:31

Little steps op...thinking of you. Glad you had a better day and hope for the same tomorrow...

12hours · 31/08/2016 06:52

You are doing so great, Ale. I like the way you can find the positives while this is happening. As people above have said, just get to a solicitor and see what they say about your housing situation. They will have seen it hundreds of times and will know what the best way forward is. Well done, I am SO impressed with the way you are getting through this.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 31/08/2016 08:41

Please please please listen to all the advice about keeping the house. You must remember that your x IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. In my experience this was one of the most headfucking things I had to come to terms with, because it goes against everything that you thought was real in your life, everything you felt, basically that x can go from being your friend to being an enemy (ok he might not wish you harm but he does not have your best interests at heart). Please please op keep this in the forefront of your mind. Don't make any rash decisions, get the best lawyer you can, don't discuss finances with x, if he tries to discuss (which he very likely will) just say "I'll discuss that with my lawyer", rinse and repeat as necessary.
It is said not to make any major decisions for at least 12 months after a bereavement, which is what you are going through now, it's grief for the life you thought you had, the future you thought you had. Sit tight, ride the storm and stay in that house until the dust has settled and you have a settlement, however long that might take.

Original poster
aleC4 · 31/08/2016 20:46

So tomorrow is the day I see my solicitor. I have a list of things I want to ask and I'm sure other things will come up that I haven't even thought of. I am interested to hear her take on things. I feel apprehensive about it but excited too at the thought of actually feeling a bit more clued up. I am a bit worried about getting teary but my bf says she will have seen it all before!!!

OP posts:
AmIbeingTreasonable · 31/08/2016 21:19

Don't worry about getting emotional but do go armed with a list of questions. Don't try and remember everything you want to ask. Also making notes of the conversation might be useful.

Minime85 · 31/08/2016 22:12

If someone can come with you to be another pair of ears I'd recommend it as its so much to take in. And they charge you for getting the notes from the session.

Original poster
aleC4 · 01/09/2016 06:28

So I'm awake early churning over things in my mind already! I'm taking the dc to see The BFG this morning and to get school shoes - trying to distract myself. Then my lovely bf is coming over this afternoon to have the dc while I go.

OP posts:
12hours · 01/09/2016 07:12

Good luck Ale. You will feel much better bring armed with the information. You're doing great.

OliviaStabler · 01/09/2016 07:30

Good luck at the solicitors Flowers

Naicehamshop · 01/09/2016 12:19

You are doing brilliantly. Flowers

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 01/09/2016 16:16

Best of luck op

millypop69 · 01/09/2016 19:13

Hope things went well for you today and like everyone else I am sorry you are having such a stressful time. Hope you don't mind me saying this but interest rates are low and some good deals around on mortgages. Like someone else said may be worth seeing a financial advisor who will have access to a bigger range of options - 40 is still young and a mortgage is a cheap way to borrow at the moment. If your credit rating is poor because of DH. You might be able to remove yourself once you legally separate?? I don't know this but might be worth investigating. Good luck with it all Flowersxx

croatiamom · 01/09/2016 19:48

Hope you got on ok today OP been thinking about you all day - I also had my appt and Ive been told today myself that there is no such thing as a legal separation as my DH "could" go back on what we had agree Ive been told that agreements that are made and that stands up in court is divorce route which is going to cost us both sheds of money.

Original poster
aleC4 · 01/09/2016 21:14

Croatia that's interesting because my solicitor told me the opposite! She said it is a legal document drawn up by solicitors but that it is not quite as watertight as a divorce.
Her main advice was firstly get the house valued so I have got an idea of my finances and then book an appointment with an IFA. Her recommendation was to try and buy H out if I can. She suggested going in with is their a chance of me borrowing enough to pay off the mortgage, pay off our joint loan and buy out H. Obviously if I am paying off the loan I will be saving him the payments every month so I could go for more than 50/50 on the equity. It will also count in my favour that I am the main caregiver and therefore need a bigger, nicer house than him.
The other options is obviously sell the house and then buy or rent. Preferably I would like to buy but I'm just not sure it will be possible. Affordability should not be a problem but the credit history will. I cannot disassociate my finances with H until the joint account is closed and the mortgage is either paid off or ceases to be in joint names. Unfortunately I will have to have my credit checks done before that happens.

OP posts:
croatiamom · 01/09/2016 23:12

That sounds positive OP hopefully that could be a good solution for you and yr DC. Yes I was told although you both consent and agree to terms, if either party doesnt keep up with these agreements eg. Circumstances change and one parry decides actually I dont want to stick to this now you wouldnt be able to go to court for instance as it's not court set. The oy way for a watertight agreement is divorce

croatiamom · 01/09/2016 23:14

I actually came away more worried rather than stronger. The divorce costs plus Sol costs are just huge!!! Hope you get a good result for u and your DC

GingerIvy · 01/09/2016 23:54

A couple things to remember... don't budget his maintenance payments into your monthly budgets. If he stops paying for any reason, you'll be in hot water. My ex refused to pay for over a year.

Don't tell the soon-to-be-ex inlaws anything you don't want your STBX to know. Never forget that they are his parents first and foremost, and when it gets right down to brass tacks, they will support/side with him. I've seen it again and again.

And, most importantly, as others have said, he is not your friend. Don't make the mistake of thinking that he will put your concerns (or even that of the children) above his own. He's playing nice at the moment, but it won't last. It rarely does.

Atenco · 02/09/2016 10:33

Excellent advice GingerIvy on all three points.

I managed to have a good relationship with my ex-MIL by never ever criticising her son to her.

Helloitsmeeeee · 02/09/2016 10:42

My solicitor advised me to borrow money to buy out exh but I just couldn't afford it. It was an obvious solution for him to suggest but not one I could make in my financial position. The court ordered my house to be sold in the end.

Also re the separation agreement which ex wanted, I was advised to go straight for divorce and my only regret was not doing that straight away as a year on the relationship between me and ex was not amicable.

Just beware! Not sure how realistic your solicitor's advice is from what you've said about your finances.

expatinscotland · 02/09/2016 11:37

I'd see another solicitor.

Atenco · 02/09/2016 13:12

I'd see another solicitor

I don't know the legal ins and outs, but morally I feel that your dh has a duty to ensure that his children have a roof over their heads and that buying him out is to let him walk away scot free.

Mummydummy · 03/09/2016 01:02

I think its good legal advice if its financially viable for you based on my experience.

The law recognises that we had a 50/50 ownership of the assets so my exH was entitled to his share. I bought my exH out as far as I could - he retains 20 percent ownership and I borrowed him enough to help finance a deposit on his home. He wanted if poss for me and the children to be able to stay in the family home but obviously needed a nice place for the children to live when they were with him. Keeping the house avoided all the stamp duty on selling and buying a new house for me and leaves me with a bigger asset. But I do have a big mortgage (a small portion is interest only). If it becomes financially difficult I could get in a lodger in the future if I need to or downsize (under our settlement I have to release his 20 percent either by selling or buying him out when the children leave further education). The house has appreciated considerably in value since the divorce so its a good asset to have held onto.

I think it is a good outcome. I have considerably changed the house in the intervening years - it is very definitely my house now and the DCs really wanted to stay here.