Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

Are you familiar with the expression 'Why have a dog and bark yourself?' OP.

Your 'dog' is your solicitor. Do as Expat says, and slow the hell down!

I mind this kindly, but you need time to process everything. There is no need to make life changing decisions this week, month, or even year. There is no rush.

Slow down and let the dust settle. X

mean, not mind.

Renting is hard - not secure like owning your home.

Depending on the tenancy , no repainting, putting up shelves, all the things that make a place 'home'.....

Slow down

This
I don't think this is the moment for making a decision of this magnitude, OP.

Renting means you could be settled for six month a year and then have to move, could be settled for two years but then move again.

It's just the hassle of moving but the cost, searching for somewhere and if you change agents the extra cost of getting all the paperwork completed.

Certainly not something to choice over owning your own place

Rental credit checks are not as 'thorough' as mortgage ones - and you can always pay 6 months rent up front if necessary which you would be able to do from the equity from your house.

But, but - do not rush into this. Getting on the property ladder is hard and renting really isn't much fun - you are at the mercy of landlords and not all of them are great.

Do as everyone else has said - wait until you have seen your solicitor. Maybe stay in your house until your credit score is better - there is lots of advice online about how to improve it. Then maybe sell and buy somewhere else.

You have a lot of change going on and need time to process it all.

Thanks for the advice. I am certainly not going to rush into anything and will definitely be letting my solicitor earn her money!
However, it is going to take a long time for my credit rating to improve and I honestly think renting will be best. In my heart of hearts I know owning my own home is far, far preferable but that is not an option on my own at the moment. It could be a possibility in the future to take out a mortgage on my own. My problem being I am 40 now. If I did it now I would be paying a mortgage until I am 65! I wouldn't want to be laying one much longer than that as I will be retiring. Who wants a 65 year old teacher?!?
I know I could sit and wait in this house until my credit score is better but that is years away. I want my financial independence. I want a fresh start. Everywhere I look here I see my H. I know a lot of his stuff is here at the moment but even when it is fine he is round every corner. I see jobs he did, jobs he didn't do, I think about plans we had for the place, I hear his key in the door, his car pulling up outside. I need a clean break. I need to live somewhere he hasn't been.

Keep your house, make some changes to it to make it yours.

When my friend divorced, she kept the house and redecorated and got some new furniture (new bed first!) to make it feel more 'hers'.

Don't throw away all you've built up in your house, that's your DC's security for the future.

I get everything you've said AleC4. Horsemad is right, don't throw away the house, it's your most valuable asset.

You don't know yet what the settlement will be, you could, with a SHL do much better than you think.

Whilst your SHL is fighting your corner, make some changes at home. It will help and needn't cost much.

Move furniture, get rid of stuff you don't like, paint your bedroom walls. Even a new rug or two, new cushion covers will put a new stamp, your new stamp on it.

It is still very early days. His presence will fade.

Throw yourself into the new term. By half term you'll have a better picture of the legal stuff, and feel better emotionally.

Don't commit to anything at all. Just focus on you, your kids, that's more than enough.

Everything is up in the air. Just do the essential stuff and don't add anything else to your life at this time. There is no rush. If you don't take time to process this as it happens, it will catch up with you at some point anyway.

Forget about credit scores, etc for now. You might stay, sell, rent, get a promotion, whatever, who knows. Just think short term for now.

Good luck, you're doing well. X

'However, it is going to take a long time for my credit rating to improve and I honestly think renting will be best. '

NO, it really isn't. No offense, but you really have no idea. It is very bad when you have kids and poor credit especially - insecure, expensive, you'll have inspections, etc etc.

It's awful and I'd do anything to hang onto a house before I went to rented accommodation.

Just look at the property topic. It's a really bad situation.

Please slow down OP! My God your (X)H only dropped his bombshell a week ago and already you've completely changed your mind on keeping the house.

Of course you're going to be reminded of him wherever you look - he's only been gone a week! But rather than plan to sell your home, your only real bit of security, how about doing something much easier and cheaper? Namely, if his stuff is lying around, FGS bag it up and put it in the garage! Move the furniture and swap the pictures around. Buy some new bedding. Clear all his stuff out of your bedroom, bathroom, office, etc. Physically remove those reminders. And if he put up a shelf, so what? Put something different on the shelf and before long it will just be a shelf in your house, nothing more. But please, stop making huge decisions before you've even spoken to a solicitor. You're in danger of losing your most important asset. Sell your house, for which you have a mortgage, in order to commit to a lifetime of renting? Are you insane????? Please, just talk to your solicitor and put your own racing mind on hold for now. You're still in shock. Take your time. Your XH's living arrangements are HIS problem. Stop making them yours, because you've got quite enough to worry about right now, without making everything alright for him too. He left you. Get angry!!

Oh and if that's not bad enough, he's been planning it for a year. A YEAR!!!!! This man you 'love' has been planning to abandon you and your DC for a whole year. And he never said a word. I'd be fucking furious, if I were you.

Thank you. Where will I find the property topic?

If you can afford the house stay. I had to - exh will only pay mortgage here and has no obligation to contribute if I decide to move.
I have revamped the house - bedroom is now purple and girly. His office is now a sparkly silver tv room. New couches. Cushions and flowers. I didn't love my house before but I do now. DS is happy as he has had no further disruption on that part.
And we got a dog. Best thing ever.

He has been planning this. He will want you out of the house as it will be cheaper for him.

OP now you are seeing how looking out for him will hurt you. He might end up owning a new home and you end up renting. That would be SO incredibly wrong. Please don't give up on your house (or at least being a homeowner) so easily. You can move at a later date if you really need a new start but please try to cope with staying there in the meantime. Definitely move his stuff out of the way!

Someone upthread mentioned how you can disentangle your own credit rating from that of your ex's. From what you said that's what's worrying you. I'm sure your solicitor can advise you on how.

BTW most people pay a mortgage until the age of 65 so don't let that put you off.

I hear what you are saying about wanting a fresh start.i do.but it might not be the most practical thing at the moment as pp have said.
I do second what everyone has said about getting his stuff out and redecorating.it sound trite but it does make you feel much better, and also gives you something to do which might help when you feel at your darkest.

Oh, and get the kids to help you choose new colours etc, make them a part of it.

Oh please don't sell and go and rent! Renting is shit. Your kids won't be able to decorate their rooms how they want etc. Neither will you. You can be kicked out and have little control.

It's your biggest asset and as the children live with you then it should be safe, thanks to SHL.

Agree - bag up all his shit now.

I bought a house because everytime I moved from rental accomodation my dd lost all her friends and had to start anew, even when we moved just ten minutes walk away.

You are worried about having to pay a mortgage at 65, but who wants to be renting at 65? Beside a mortgage is generally cheaper than rent.

I certainly have not given up on the idea of buying forever. It is just at the moment I see renting as the best way out for all of us. I will get a reasonable amount of equity from the house even if it is split 50/50. I earn enough to support us on my wage with a rent slightly lower than my mortgage - this will obviously include maintenance payments from h. This means the equity will not be touched.
In a few years (hopefully) my credit rating will be back up and I would certainly think about the possibility of buying again then. I would have the equity money still there to use for a deposit and I might be able to get back on the property ladder.

'It is just at the moment I see renting as the best way out for all of us. '

Again, you really need a reality check about private renting. It's shit, even more so with kids and poor credit. You do realise that it's legal for LL's to forbid children in a property? Then there's no pets, no decorating, inspections and you are never more than 2 months from having to leave because even long-term leases will have a 2 month get out clause. Many agencies charge you hundreds to reprint another lease after 6 months for you to sign. It costs thousands every time you move, which will be alot.

It's a very foolish idea. Never a week goes by on this board without another family in desperate straits looking for yet another rental as LL has sold up, or won't make repairs, or bother with their wanting the tenant to host viewings, or inspections too frequently (you really want agents opening your cupboards and wardrobes every quarter, like a school kid?), or they can't find a place in the same catchment so their kids have to change school, or the LL is trying to take more deposit money for wear and tear.

aleC4 - please don't sell your house unless you really have to. Do teachers still get a lump sum on retirement ? I've know one or two who've used theirs to pay off their mortgage. That might work for you.

And oh, yes, you have to pass credit checks to rent. And guess what? You're expected to pay for them as well. So imagine you stump up £75 and fail it. 'Sorry, MsAle, your application hasn't been successful,' and you're out £75 or perhaps only £50 if you're lucky.

You're also assuming your h is going to be a good boy and pay healthy maintenance on time every month. So many don't.

Did you see my earlier post? There are ways to get your ex's bad credit disassociated from yours.

BTW in a few years time you don't know what the housing market will be like. You may not have the deposit you think you have.

Request your credit report and work on the ways you can improve your credit rating. Even if you're set on renting, this'll help you pass the credit checks.