Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

Do not give up, can't emphasize this too much. Tell him he can do what he wants for a year then convene as a family. It's a midlife crisis and does not need to be the end.
If you can get through this you will be made for life. I've been there, got through it, our relationship is better than ever.
You can do this, it's worth it. Quitters will never have a happy relationship with anyone ever.
Don't ask him what he did on his year off, because probably fuck all, but he had the choice and will appreciate his family so much more.

Quitters will never have a happy relationship with anyone ever.

That's bollocks in my experience. Just saying. 21 years of bliss and counting...

I asked around divorced friends for lawyers. I decided I wouldn't use a town one as he was a mason and probably drank with most of them.
So I got three names and went with the one, well out of town who had handled a friends two divorces where he came off very well.

Funnily enough, the ex went to another of the three names( also an out of owner) ,so was obviously going in for the kill..

We had two days in court. On the big one we were there for five hours. At the time, I thought his solicitor was running rings round mine, she was jumping up and down like a little Yorkshire terrier, objecting here, there and everywhere. He brought in a file of notes you could sit on.
I wondered what on earth he was going to do with them all.

I asked my solicitor if I should bring in my notes and she told me not to bother. I felt doomed and very scared. The judge kept asking my solicitor if there were any questions and mine kept saying politely, no thank you ma'am.
While I'm waiting for her to unleash the beast.

What I didn't know and to this day I have no idea but I'm guessing is, he'd told a lot of lies. I'd found him out on lots of occasions. The judge has little private chats with the solicitors and I'd love to know what was said.
I think the reason that Yorkie was jumping up and down was because he'd been rumbled and she was doing her best to salvage what she could from the shipwreck he'd created.

Mine hardly said anything.
To cut a long story short, I did very well. I got about 72 per cent. He got to keep his big Dubai salary ...

I heard much later that he felt he'd been shafted.

It's so very important you get the best now.
We should have a private list of the people we've used so that bona fide members can access it should they ever need too.

I've been able to live well. That helps to heal a lot of the pain.

You live with a lot of fear when you are going through this situation...fear that you will really struggle financially. It's understandable.

Don't know what's been going on with your husband . A year is a long time to put up and shut up.

Anyway enough of him...you know the truth now get fighting for your rights. You are doing great.

My exh sorry saga had an awful end while I'm thankfully very, very happy with my new husband.

There's life at the end of this...yours ;-)

Apologies again for long post. Gawd, I get carried away.
I think I must be some kind of frustrated writer!

I do t think I would be prepared to 'give him a year off and then reconvene' blimey-I X any event junk how anyone would do that-hats off if it worked like, but I'm not sure I'd have that in me.
I'm sure he was shocked when you said you may not be happy with what he was offering on the financials op. So far all this has been on his terms-he needs a wake up call and to rallies that actually when he chose to leave he also chose to forego you're automatically being on his side.
You are doing great op. Really. One day at at a time.

Dowser that was a very thoughtful post. I have a friend who is legally separated and is still not wanting to use a lawyer/solicitor (to save money). I'm banging my head against a brick wall with her- she says she can't afford to. I say that she cannot afford to not use one.

I wish she would come on mumsnet & see the useful advice offered on here. (not sure hanging around for a year for him to get through a "mid life crisis" is helpful

for you Alec

Good grief bikerlou what an appalling message! Off you go dh do what you want for a year I'll be waiting with open arms, oh and the dc too You might be happy with that but thankfully most women wouldn't be, and have the capacity to be happy again without the promise of a grand reunion.

Oh, dear God, biker, the 1950s called, they want their rock bottom self-respect back. 'Here, kids, this is how a relationship works: just let someone walk the fuck all over you, show you zero respect at all, not even the decency to be a mature adult and talk to you when things are going wrong, then just take them back and turn a blind eye to anything they do. Fuck your feelings, they don't matter, only his.'

I agree, Walrus and expat, not to mention the false hope it gives the OP at this horrible time in her life, when one clutches at straws, wanting to believe that there is an easy fix.

'Quitters will never have a happy relationship with anyone ever.'

I divorced a man who decided he never wanted children. I'm happily remarried now and a mother of three children.

I have had a lovely day today with my amazing sister, bil and niece and nephew. The kids have had a blast and really enjoyed their time with their cousins. A change of scenery had done us all the world of good. I have also seen my parents and though emotional it helped set their minds at rest that I am still alive and doing ok.
I have been talking a lot with dsis and dbil and just going over all my options, different scenarios, maybes and what ifs. It has been a great help.
They have made me think a lot about different scenarios - especially selling the house so that is now something I may actually consider rather than writing off completely.

So glad that you're getting support IRL as well as here.You must be all over the place emotionally but you seem to be able to keep it together for your kids.I admire you very much < in a non stalking kind of way > Best of luck Mx.

Woke up early again this morning, 6.30. I'm at my sister's and no-one is awake/up so just lying in bed.
We have another family day planned for today and the dc will have the opportunity to spend time with their cousins, auntie and uncle and grandparents. They are surrounded by so much love, in that respect they are very lucky kids.
I am going to try and get some activities sorted to do with them this week to fill the time before they go back to school. They both have separate overnight stays with their dad this week so I will get a bit of time alone with each one.

Ale you are doing so great keeping it all together. I really admire your strength. Another week and you will be back to work and back into your routine which should help a bit. Get those activities for the week sorted so you have a bit of a plan, you already did the school shopping so at least that's out of the way. You are just so organised while all this is going on and so dignified. I really am in awe of you. Well done. Xx

Ah thanks 12hours, that was really nice to read. I probably don't feel quite as organised as I sound! I have school shoes left to buy but then the kids are sorted. As for me, I don't feel that I've done anywhere near enough stuff for work to be ready to go back. I haven't really done any planning and must get on that this week when the kids are in bed.
I'm lying here willing my kids to wake up and come in so I can give them s cuddle and the house is full of noise again. I am dreading waking up those mornings when h has had them overnight. I hate the quiet.

You will learn to make the most of the quiet mornings. Cuppa in bed with a good book or get up and go for breakfast with a friend. In time, when it's less raw, you will get positives from the situation.

Ale your posts are now much more positive and you are doing brilliantly. The early days are so tough. First time dcs are away will be hard and strange. But trust me in time you will relish those extra few minutes in a morning when just you to sort out! And then when they come home you'll love the noise and bustle too.

You're doing well OP. It's done you and the kids a world of good to be surrounded by loving family, so glad you have this invaluable support. Enjoy today.

Ah! Planning! I really need to sort my lessons out, we're back Thursday. Unlike you, I have no excuse to have left it to the last minute, as per usual!

I wish my kids slept for a song as yours! Hopefully they are all up now. You will hate the quiet for the first few times they stay over with your H, but you will be exhausted managing them on your own that I am sure you will start to need those mornings of quiet. At the moment, quiet is your enemy because it gives you time to think. In a few months, it will be your friend! You will get your planning done, just do a small bit at a time, as much as you can manage. You said you already told the HT and she is a friend, so school will understand and they will want to support you. Plus you won't have time to think or worry once you start! Just keep going, your strength is inspiring. Have a good day with your family. X

Well I feel so refreshed after my weekend away with my family. They were absolutely amazing. Although it was hard to leave, we all had a few tears saying goodbye, I am so glad we went. The kids had so much fun with their cousins and I had a chance to recharge my batteries and really chat things through rationally with people who love me.
I think I am pretty sure now that I want to sell this house and start again. It would be a fresh start and give me more financial security in the here and now. I don't think I can think too much about the future. I know this is a complete turnaround from what I had thought originally but I have talked at length with dsis and dbil and I now see it would be for the best.
I have mentioned it to the children as a possibility and they were fine with it. Dd actually said it would be like a fresh start for us.
Does anybody know anything about renting? The thing I am worried about is the credit checks because of our credit history. Are they as strict at the credit checks a mortgage lender would do or are they more lenient?

Thank you told my wrath.

Hi AleC4. I'm glad you had a good weekend - fun for the kids, company, and some grown up support and reassurance. I'm glad your family wrapped you in that whilst allowing you to talk through your options. Good for you - you're doing so well. Day by day. You can survive. You will build a better life.
And its a good idea to line up some things to do this week, maybe friends with kids, break the week up, and get some support.

A couple of thoughts on the practical stuff. When my marriage broke down all I wanted was to sell the house and start again. A fresh start so I was rid of the bad vibes in the place. But my lawyer advised me, if it was possible, to keep the house if I could afford to. If you can avoid it, its good not to incur all the costs of fees for selling a house. So all I'd advise is getting good legal advice at the outset, to see what is in your best interests. I was lucky enough to be able to buy my ex out up to a degree and him to agree to keeping a stake in the house (till the kids leave further education) but I do have a huge mortgage. So its not straightforward. Most people I know had to sell but had the chance to start afresh.

I haven't rented for a long time but I don't need to tell you that its expensive and you don't end up having a stake in your home. But it really depends on your finances and whats feasible.

Much support to you. Keep finding the little things that keep you going. Step by step. xxx

Rental wise, you might be better off looking on Gumtree for landlords who rent directly rather than through an agent.

Be honest, explain your situation and if you're in a position to, offer a larger deposit and more rent upfront.

Slow down. Wait till you see your solicitor and take their advice first.