Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

You might not have to sell now (or for years) depending on the settlement. That gives you time to plan.

where is my children's security for the future?

And this is the reason you need to stop worrying about how he will pay his bills with the OW and start taking the gloves off. You need a SHL and you need to not discuss with him anything. Sod being reasonable about 50/50 and what he needs, start thinking rationally about how you will afford to live - not just now but once the DC up and leave home.

This man does not have your best interests at heart, his meeting with you was all about protecting his future and turning on the bloody tiny violins so you will worry about how he is going to live. That needs to stop now. He is not your confidante or trusted friend. Time to toughen up and fast.

I would not be surprised if, when you see your solicitor, he/she advises you to go straight for a divorce if you can. I am not sure how it works nowadays though if there is no adultery or unreasonable behaviour - do you have to wait an amount of time? I can only go on my own experience 14 years ago where there was adultery and he agreed that I could sue him for divorce for that reason as it would be quicker.

It is very hard I know to think that your best friend no longer has your back. I still find that hard now although most of the time I am content.

Take comfort from the fact that day by day eventually it eases.

Without adultery or unreasonable behaviour you have to wait two years.

You can't 'fight tooth and nail to keep the family home' whilst you discuss an 'amicable' settlement with him.

Wise up to the fact that regardless of what he says, you both want different things. Otherwise he'd still be in the family home and this thread wouldn't exist.

You've had a lot of good advice from posters who have sadly walked in your shoes. You have every right to ignore it, that's fine.

You will get a better deal for you and the kids if you stop all financial contact, and let a SHL fight your corner. But you know this.

You seem keen to meet him more than half way. So two choices, agree to a deal that suits him. Or see what your SHL's idea of a 'deal' is. That one will be better than what he's offering.

Sorry to sound harsh, but in a few months time you will kick yourself for agreeing to his terms. Probably when his 'just met' girlfriend rocks up.

Why does he seem so keen to do a deal? Because he's seen his solicitor, and probably had a major shock as to how much this could cost him, that's why.

You want to keep the house? Get your SHL to keep it for you.

This man is not your friend. You both have different agendas, decide what you want with your SHL, and get it.

And file for divorce. Why go for a legal separation, just delays the inevitable. Unless he suggested this, and wants to keep his options open.

I am sorry you are going through this, I do know how hard it is, but you need to toughen up for your kids future and your own.

Op, sending you for how well you're dealing such a horrid situation.
Please listen to all of those suggesting from bitter experience that you shouldn't be making any financial agreements with him without your own SHL leading for you!

You're both teachers and I know will be 'wired' to see the best in people, to be full of optimism and hope. You will be problem solvers and used to helping people / children deal with messy situations.
BUT, in this case you need to stand back from all your instinctive skills in building relationships and making things work and see him for what he is. His behaviour is cold and calculating. He has given you no chance to work on putting right what he thinks has gone wrong. He gave you an ultimatum and has moved on within a week! After 15 years of marriage and with two children???
That is why you need a SHL to help you decide what to do. As a teacher he will also have those 'people' skills mentioned and I'm afraid it seems to me that he's already doing a number on you "my lawyer thinks it would be best for us...." "my lawyer suggests that we wait......" and you seem to be agreeing.
Remember, the property market could (or may not) collapse post Brexit - how would that affect financial arrangements?
It is very early days and you are understandably in shock. Your anger will eventually set in and you may well regret arrangements made now while you must still be wondering whether if you're agreeable, he might change his mind? He's light years ahead of you planning and is I think manipulating you for his own ends.
However this turns out - an OW or just a cynical lazy man who couldn't be arsed to work on a relationship - please don't make any decisions with him. He is no longer your friend or on your side - he's out for what he can get out of this in order to fund his future. Your lawyer will be on your side - tell him that you are making no decisions (including whether a divorce or legal separation) until you have your own lawyer representing you.

My advice is go for a divorce quickly, while he is still feeling guilty about doing this to you, as he'll agree a much better settlement. I got this tip from a SHL, and in my experience it holds true. Over time they 'forget', and start to begrudge every penny.

We're all saying the same thing op!

I honestly don't care about him and I want to protect my children's future but I also want to think about them in the here and now.
They are already suffering from not being able to spend time alone with their dad because their grandparents are there. They are confused about who is in charge when they are there, who they are answerable to and who they want to spend time with. It can't go on like this. I want them to be able to go to another home to spend time with him.
I definitely want to get what I deserve but I want it to make things nice for the dc now.

AleC that is not your problem. Your job now is to live your children and ensure their happiness when they are with you. Let them sound off to you but do not make excuses for him. He left. He is still controlling you. He is getting it his way.

I listened to friends and took legal advice and mediation - exh ended up living in a friends spare room for a year whilst he saved up a deposit. His relationship with DS suffered - not because of where he lived but because in Ds's eyes his dad had abandoned him. It has taken 21/2 years and they are just getting back on track. Exh still rarely has DS overnight.

Look after YOU and your children. He has been planning this a long long time behind your back (we had just celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary too and he had taken me away for the weekend).

He choose to leave, he didn't want to stay, he told the kids quickly. He adamant that he was going, so he went.

Less than a week later, after I expect the worse week of your life, you're still standing. Your kids are ok. All of you hurt, but coping. That is amazing.

Why does it matter at all that the kids have to go to their grandparents to see him? Can he not go out with them?

Think further than the next few months.

If you agree to giving him a fairer deal than he's entitled to, just so he has his own home for the kids to go, that is very short sighted. They soon grow up and have their own lives, and may not want to spend time at their dad's house.

But they will need their home with youwon't they? Possibly well into adulthood. This should be your only focus.

And don't forget that dad's own home might ,
I think will, have another adult in it within a few months. How will you feel then? Knowing that you enabled them to set up home together.

He's lucky his parents have taken him in. I wouldn't blame them for refusing, after the way he's treated you and their grandchildren. That he has to see his kids there is his choice. He planned and thought this through, and decided that for him it is the better option. It's not great that they go to GPs, but that's his concern, not yours. They'll get used to it, they'll be fine. There's no magic wand you can wave to make every one have what they want, family home for you, lovely house for him and the kids.
He did this, focus on your home and keeping it long term

I agree that you're placing too much emphasis on where he'll end up. Speaking as the product of divorced parents (I was 2), where I saw my dad was irrelevant and I never had 'alone time' with him as he lived with the OW (who I actually got on better with than him!)

The thing that fucked my relationship with him was that he was an arse. Not because of who he was with or where he was when I visited him.

Your kids' relationship with their dad will not suffer because of these things.

If it is to survive or not, it will be for other reasons like fucking off right before the start of big school.

I want to shake you op....( but in a caring way.)

Please, please listen to Cary, Louis and others.

How and where he lives is not your concern. He's lost all rights to your concern the day he dropped the bomb.

Focus on your ( you plus doc ) wants and needs. It's like a game of chess you start with 50:50 in that you have the same amount of players ( your assets) then it gets edged up and down as pieces ( assets) are captured by the opposing side. Just make sure its edging in your direction.
You get one bite of the cherry.

when a man no longer wants a woman, my God does he screw his business head on fast.

It leaves you reeling . Especially once there's an ow driving the bus.

He's slammed you into the brick wall of life , while he climbed over it a long while ago.

I'd had my birthday and valentines ( just) when my piece of doo doo dropped the omb.

He hated coping with my feelings of grief because he was long over that wall.

Please toughen up sweetheart. Now is not the time to be nice and reasonable .

The fact that the children can't spend time alone with their dad is very easy for him to solve. He could arrange to see them when he knows his parents will be out; he could take the children out; he could maybe borrow a friend's house when friend isn't there; he could look into a second job so he could fund a rental; if he does have an OW, now or in the future, she could chip in to living costs; he could maybe see them at yours when you're out. It is more important that you keep their current home for the children than that you lose it for the sake of your husband having his own house.

I feel so broken. I don't think I can do this. I am holding it together so well when the kids are here but when I leave them with him I just fall apart. Every time I gave been on my own I have just sat and cried. I feel so so scared of what's to come.
I still love him so much and not being with him is so hard. He was my best friend and I feel as though a huge chunk of me is missing.

Next time they're with him book yourself in a manicure, a haircut, lunch with a friend, anything to give you something to get up and focus on and not wallow. Make sure you know in advance so it can't just be on a whim. Don't let this push you down. You're being so strong and we will help to prop you up if you need it

Hugs for you, OP

I know you don't want to slag him off or take him to the cleaners. You are being incredibly dignified about the whole thing. We just want to make sure that you protect your kids' financial futures. I agree with others - don't worry about where he's seeing them during his contact times. Just focus on your time with them.

What smilingeyes, Cary and louise said. STOP listening to his solicitor! It speaks mountains that he has already seen a solicitor! This is a person who is hired to protect his best interests. That's that person's JOB. You will need to stop taking on his problem and making them yours. His bills aren't your problem. Where he lives is not your problem. He's the one who dropped a bomb and walked out on his family.

He is not reasonable, amicable or fair. A reasonable, fair person would have expressed that he felt there were problems in the relationship and tried to work them out first.

But he just threw a grenade and left.

You need to listen to your solicitor. You are paying him/her to protect your best interests and that of your children and you need to let them do their job.

NO MORE meetings alone with him so he can talk you down, gaslight you, make you feel guilty.

The kids will be fine. One day, they will have the measure of him: a man who walked out on his family rather than try to make a go of it and fight for it.

Alec...I did the same as you.

I remember that Christmas. He told me on xmas eve about ow. Christmas Ffs!

All our grown up children arrived for xmas day lunch. I kept going into the bedroom to cry.

After they left on Christmas Day. He left. I just sat in a soggy heap.
Merry fucking Christmas to me.
Our last Christmas as a family.
On Boxing Day I gathered them all together and told them. The boys already knew.

They were left to pick up the pieces.

I wised up from that day. From then on it was all about protecting myself and my son and grandson who lived with me.

He was my best friend too.

It's like a bereavement Alec only there's no body., no funeral, no ritual.

Cry it out as much as you need too.
A loss is a loss.

Just take each day at a time and for a while don't allow yourself to look more than a few days in advance

You are already looking 10 years ahead and you haven't even been to the solicitors and you have given away possibly 30% to much of your share and living in rented accommodation, please STop it.

Slow down, get advice, proper legal advice
Keep yourself busy when the dc are away, as someone else said start meeting your own friends ( look on meeting eventual for new platonic friends to mix with, especially if all your friends are couples)

But slow down, you need to cry, you need to grieve and you need to be sad then say slowly hello to a different life, a new way if living but not a bad way of living though not the life you thought you would be living.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself some tears with the dc. Otherwise they may think you don't care he has left....

Dear OP - you are in deep shock and you will need to cry, wail and mourn. You sound lovely and caring and of course you are missing him.

This cockwomble of a man is meanwhile speeding ahead, seeing his solicitor, trying to make you make decisions that are in HIS interests and all about feathering his new nest. Meanwhile you are left reeling and devastated. (and I'll bet he is spreading the word on his terms).
This board will be fantastic support for you - there are countless women here who have been treated in the same way and their advice is invaluable.
That is why we are so united when we say - DON"T agree to ANY of his suggestions - because we know the pain of being left by someone and desperately trying to 'accommodate' them, frantically agreeing to things that are not in our interests to try to hang on to the relationship that we thought we had.
The time ahead will be hard - and none of this is you or your children's fault. HE has left, HE who has broken up the family, and HE must take responsibility for the devastation that he has caused to your family - not you.
Have you managed to tell any of your close friends? Please don't be ashamed of doing so - you need as much support and friendship as possible.

Oh Dowser bless you, Christmas ffs. What a horrible time for him to do that Never a good time I know, but of all the days.

.AleC, cry it all out, you are not super woman, dear God, I used to howl like a wounded dog when the kids weren't there. I'm betting the other posters on here can relate to that, and 'crying silently' at night when the kids are sleeping because you don't want to wake them and upset them.

Just because he is running around like the Duracell bunny on acid doesn't mean you have to. You don't have to go at the same speed as him. Set your own pace. Don't be bulldozed by him.

The thing is, you can't catch him up, because in his head he's months ahead of the game.

Leave him to his own agenda.

What I would do is only have contact with him about the kids, preferably by text. Keep it to the point, and don't do small talk.

If (when) he pushes about finances, say you are not going to discuss it, he'll be hearing from your solicitor. He will not like this. Tough. The last week hasn't been a bed of roses for you, has it? Dry your eyes my lovely and practice saying it in the mirror. You need to say this to him, probably a few times,, and nothing more.

Are you scared that if you detach he will play hard ball? He'll do that anyway when he gets his lovely little deal thrown back in his face by your SHL.

I know you love him, but you can and will get through this, don't make it harder than it all ready is by listening to any more of his crap.

Set your own agenda. Set your own pace.
Hugs

His solicitor wants a separation agreement sorted out with his interests in mind and without you having someone with the same expertise on your side to fight your corner.

He is paying his solicitor and therefore getting what he wants out of it.

Don't agree to anything without your own SHL!

'We both like the idea of a legal separation. A lot of the stuff his solicitor told him I knew already. We were very civil and I know we can make this amicable it's just a bit raw at the moment.
We have a plan but the problem is just money. He is going to give me money for the children and the amount he suggested is very reasonable considering what he will have.
However it leaves him with barely enough to pay a rent and bills. Now if it were just the two of us I couldn't give two shits where he lives but I want our children to have a nice home to go when they visit. I don't wNt them going to some hovel where they feel frightened or uncomfortable.
It just feels so frustrating that we have a plan, an agreement but just not quite enough money to do it.'

Read this back to yourself. There's an awful lot of 'we' in here. You're not 'we in this. But you are not 'we' anymore. Of course there's not enough money for two people to run two big houses separately. And he's 'giving you' money? No, dear, he is paying to support his children.

Please don't meet him again until you have seen your lawyer and tell your lawyer he's already seen one and got you alone to make 'suggestions' of what will work for 'us' when there's no fucking 'us' anymore.