Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue

[aleC4]

That's it really. We celebrated 15 years married 2 weeks ago. I thought we had a happy marriage. I still love him the same as I did when we met but apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He thinks the works of me as a mate but the spark is gone and he no longer loves me.
We have just come back from a week's holiday and had lots of fun but apparently it was just like friends and he can't pretend anymore.
I feel utterly gutted and am so so sad for my children that they are going to have to go through this. I can't think straight at the moment, I just feel sick.
He wants to tell them tomorrow and move out to his dad's round the corner. It is going to destroy my beautiful children.

My exH left because he wasn't in love with me anymore. All my friends said 'is there OW?' And I said no, he wouldn't do that. His own mother said 'men don't leave their wives and children unless there is an OW'. I said no, he wouldn't do that. Guess what? And she was a friend of mine!
My exDH was reasonableness itself. I could have the house! A few months later I could stay in the house for s couple of years before we sold it. A few more weeks and we needed to sell ASAP and 50/50 split. The tune changed as time went by and he felt less guilty.

If there isn't an OW in the background he's really behaving oddly. And don't forget if there is another woman she might have a nice home for him so worrying about where your ex bestie will live is fruitless until time has rolled on and stuff has had chance to crawl out of the woodwork.

We were trying to be amicable for our Ds's sake but ended in court. And don't let him into the house to visit DC! My ex bestie took the opportunity to wipe my PC. No idea what he was trying to hide.

Good luck

That sounds dreadful.
We want to use the solicitor to draw up a legal separation document which will detail everything. We have agreed it would cover how much he will pay for maintenance but also a clause that says every academic year when he gets a rise (until he is top scale) that money will increase.
It will also say that when my youngest child gets to 18 I have to give him 50% of the equity in the house for the 16 years he has paid the mortgage. I would get the remaining 50% but also 100% of the equity for the last 9 years.
Thus was suggested by his solicitor. I told him I was only agreeing in principle as I haven't spoken to mine yet. I now have an appointment on Thursday. There is no rush as he has paid his usual money into the account this month so we have at least a month to play with.

Don't worry about the money side. As already mentioned his OW will probably have somewhere nice he can stay. It's good that you are amicable but it might not last when your DC are staying with OW.
Just make sure you and DC have as much as possible with you.

I'm still not convinced there is an OW. He has been to look at a house locally and is waiting to hear back from them.

Please be careful Alec.

I know you want to be fair...but you must protect everything's for the sake of your children.
Why aren't you going for divorce now. Make a clean break now while he feels guilty and will be more amenable

They turn into right bastards when another woman comes along with her eye on the purse strings. I've been there.

I saw three solicitors and I went with the one who said I should get more than 50 : 50

He was a huge earner.
Don't feel sorry for him
You take what you need.

Oh and I got a lot more than 50:50

I earn very slightly more than him and we have one joint loan which we pay half each. I will take on the mortgage/bills for this place and he will pay maintenance.
I know he would pay more if he could. I know exactly what he earns and all his outgoings because I have always done our monthly finances. There is no money being squirrelled away or hidden, I know that for sure.

DownTownAbbey is on the money.
OP you are obviously a nice person and have a lovely nature, but please listen to others and proceed with great caution to protect yourself and your DCs.
What he has done was a bolt out of the blue, and there is nothing stopping him from pulling the rug from under your/DC's feet again.

He has form for it now and he is highly capable of it, even more so now, because he has achieved the difficult bit.
Good Luck

Yes my solicitor said don't bother with a separation agreement (which ex was pushing me to sign) go straight for divorce. He also acted reasonably until he knew I was getting legal advice and like a pp we ended up in court.

I will never understand how a person can just up and leave their families like this. You say you get on, spend time together etc yet they choose to throw everything away because they feel 'unhappy'! Surely there are other things that can be done to make themselves happy! Absolute selfish b to think his children's lives are not worth the effort of trying to work on things together before throwing in the towel!

Exactly. This was my point earlier. I mean, it takes a special sort of bastard to leave his wife and kids for an OW. But it's a whole new level to just walk out on some whim that he doesn't quite feel the same way as he did in the early honeymoon period.

Selfish bastard.

Can't sleep tonight. It's the first night since he told me that I've laid awake. So much going round in my head. I hate what he has done. I keep thinking of a future on my own, worrying about money, feeling scared of noises outside, facing going back to work. Just jumbled thoughts. When the kids were out with their grandparents today I missed them so much it scared me. I shouldn't need them, it's them who should need me. It made me worry how I'll cope when he has them for longer periods.

The 50% equity thing sounds a potentially bad deal to me. If the value of the house goes up a lot, he will be making a nice profit out of something you have paid for. It would make more sense for the sum to be 50% of the equity as of now.

Also, timing it for when your youngest is 18 doesn't work. Your youngest may well be in education till s/he's 21 or later and will probably still need a home. If you can't afford to buy out your ex at that stage, that could cause serious problems.

Agree that his separation deal may be less than your solicitor will think you're entitled to. I know my financial circumstances were very different (SAHM, SN DS) but in court the judge said the equity split would have to be in my favour. i wanted as little from him as possible ( he made me feel physically sick) but think long term. If he has an OW now or in the future his money / property will not all be focused on you DC. They will share a house, want fancy holidays, even have kids. The settlement you'll be negotiating is for DCs long term as well as you. If a separation agreement is to his benefit be canny and assume it's not in yours. As a pp said why not do all this once with divorce settlement?

I remember those early sleepless nights when your own brain is busy slapping you about. i think my gorgeous DS kept me sane and stopped me from wailing like a banshee! It does pass, my lovely xxx

Oh yes! And my ex bestie moved into another house (a bachelor pad) straight away and stayed living on his own for a couple of years. This Was a) to fool everyone the was no affair with my 'friend ' and b) because she had children ( whom he never liked!!!) and they were taking it slowly. Of course they live together now.

Is your ex my h downtown? They sound scarily similar!
It's not surprising you feel lost without the DC op. This is has/is happening to me-different circumstances but similar. The kids are the only thin g that keeps me grounded some days and when I'm feeling less strong they are my biggest comfort. They don't know it, but right now I probably do need them more than they need me in lots of ways. I think that's perfectly natural and is for you too.
I miss mine terribly when they are gone. In fact we've just got a dog, one because they always wanted one, two, because he's company for me when they aren't here and stops me moping when they aren't here.The advice is to fill the time when they aren't with you with things that are for you-you may not be up to that yet, but that's the trick apparently.

Sorry I didn't explain that well. He would get 50% of the house as it stands now. We have paid 16 years between us and would get half the equity each. In addition I would get 100% of the equity accrued in the next 9 years.
Obviously I haven't seen my solicitor yet but lots of people have told me that the youngest being 18 is pretty standard. I will mention that to my solicitor though and see if that age is negotiable.
We have always planned for the future but it was all pie in the sky, what-ifs, we could do this or that. I hate that I am having to plan so far ahead. It feels like I can't enjoy my life now because I have to think so much about the future. For me the future feels so bleak right now.

conkers- wouldn't surprise me! The old 'second family ' routine, just spreading the misery one woman at a time!

Alec - I know it seems impossible now but your future is golden. As pp said distraction and filling your time for now is important but soon you'll have new plans and the freedom to mould your own life free from false friends and excess baggage. You're one strong lady! You have friends and family to help - let them. One day soon this will all be the past.

I'm nearly three months in to neatly your exact situation. I have three children who are younger than yours including one under one. I always thought we would be together forever. He has been more than reasonable re finances but we have nothing official yet. I am seeing a solicitor next week. It's so incredibly hard especially as I can bet you still love him. I have seen a counsellor and we are going to speak to the same one again together about the separation. Do you think you'll be able to be friends eventually? (I found out there was an ow a week after he left although nothing came of it it was just that that made him realise he didn't feel the same anymore) it's so sad but it does get easier. You seem to have accepted it far quicker than I did.

Morning, I'm so sorry again he's done this. Try not to think too far ahead is the advice I think (I'm terrible at advice!) plan long term but focus on the day to day things, getting your children ready, lunches for next week etc. It both fills the time and gives you short term goals to focus on that are achievable.
I second seeing you SHL ASAP I'm not sure they will advise 50:50 either you may well be entitled to more, and flexibility is usual regarding 18, 18 or has left full time education is the usual phrase (friend just been through this) as the law takes often takes into account that the children at uni or in a apprenticeship etc will need a home base to come back to. I know how hard this is but please remember for all keeping it amicable is good you are not on the same side anymore.
And just a quick reassurance about the fun dad stuff, children cannot be bought, I promise you.

Arrangements until 18 don't always apply unless you both agree of course. The court ordered my home to be sold and I had two young dc. I did get way more than 50:50 however.

A clean break is usually recommended these days and selling the family home often allows this.

Hmm...mine was 'reasonable, amicable.....we don't need solicitors, we'll just split it all 50/50.....'
But he had form for lying about money amongst other things and liked to keep me in the dark without access to accounts, so I took advice. That was over two years ago, am still going through court and still not actually divorced. There was also 'no ow' and so far none has come to light, but I became aware of a purchase he made of racy clothes for someone made a few months after separation.

You need to slow right down and stop. In such a short space of time your h has dropped his bombshell, while your head is spinning he's come up with a "reasonable" solution. He knows you well and has had 15 years to figure out how to get things HE wants. I would say to him my head is spinning I will let you know when I've had time to consider what I want MY future to look like. The kids starting school is the priority in the house at the moment. Tell him you will discuss at Oct half term. I'm sure he will get nasty and difficult when you slow down his plan but hey ho. Take no notice of the treats he's promising the kids again he knows what needs to be said to keep him looking good. Houses can be sold if that's best, teacher pensions need to be considered but first you need to be sad angry etc then get your business head on and sort this for YOU LONG TERM Brace yourself there's more to come from him. He hasn't left to live with his parents.

I just really really don't want to sell this house. It my children's home. The bottom has dropped out of their world already and I can't let them lose the security of the home they love as well. I will fight tooth and nail to keep it.
The other problem is if I do sell no-one will give me a mortgage anyway. I do not want to rent otherwise where is my children's security for the future?