What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

[FindingSmeagol]

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it . I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

Smeagol I am de-lurking to say:

1. You are totally being amazing and you are going to get through this and out the other side into the sunshine.

2. You say you want to have a period of time for the relationship to 'disintegrate' in his eyes. I think that on some level, you want him to "agree" that the relationship can end. You don't need his permission, and you will probably never get it. Please, please don't think that you need him to "let" you leave. This is not a decision that has to be mutual.

I agree with other posters that you should try not to tip your hand AT ALL that you are putting steps in place to leave. As soon as he gets wind of it he will blast you with all the mindfuck weapons in his arsenal and make it a hundred times harder for you to stay on course.

How are you doing today love?

I'm getting there but haven't actively done anything yet. I'm planning and preparing. I will not let nice, normal behaviours fool me.

I'm out with a friend and whilst our dd's are playing we are talking. I haven't been able to go into details but I've told her I'm not happy in my relationship. Before it seemed like such a taboo subject because you always portray yourself and your life as how you'd like it to be (no thanks to social media).

Thanks again for helping.

That sounds like a really positive update, that you can say it out loud :) Well done!

I think that's a massive step. Prioritising how you REALLY feel over how others assume you are feeling. You know, actual happiness mattering more than the appearance of happiness. It's a huge thing to make that leap It's really pro-active.

ps, and for me, the moment I started telling people was symbolic of a big shift. No longer putting energy in to appearances, but a gear change to thinking, planning, facing the future....

Don't underestimate how in depth planning and preparing is - it can be mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Be kind to yourself, you've taken some ginormous leaps forward and sometimes you need to take the opportunity to take baby steps

Very proud of you Smeagol. How's dp. Has he noticed at all? Keep moving forward your doing amazingly well.

Smeagol, you are incredible. Stay safe and strong

"He has agreed never to punish her physically."

Oh Smeagol, this is so far out of the norm. That wouldn't even be a conversation that most parents have - it's a given.

I am up to page 34 of 35 and I'm so proud of you and your strength. You and your daughter are going to be such an excellent little gang once you're free of this man. Brava!

" I feel I owe it to him to have a period of time for the relationship to 'disintegrate' in his eyes."

Just had to comment on this too. OP - this is never going to happen. You either cut and run, or you decide to stay. But a kind of "gradual retreat" will never, ever work. Believe that.

Xx

He's definitely noticing changes and everything feels like it's sort of ramped up a gear. Telling me he's knows somethings up and demanding to know what's wrong. The compliments on my physical appearance are non stop as is the groping etc. I'm feeling more watched although that could easily be paranoia as I'm not used to being so duplicitous.
For these reasons I'm not going to antagonise him more with haircuts and piercings etc.
Gradual retreat may not be an option after all. I feel a bit out of my depth.

You are right to hold off on the haircut. Speak to WA again for advice if you can. X

Blame your struggle to give up the alcohol as the reason for the changes, if it makes life easier for you, but watch out for him encouraging you to take up drinking again as he will want everything to revert to normal.

If you are able to, speak to WA. They may be able to connect you to someone local.

I also recommend your GP. If he or she is not able to help you there and then, then they may be able to signpost you.

Another thing that you can do is go and have a general chat with the police station where you live. You do not need to report a crime, but they may be able to give you general advice. Other posters may be able to explain why this may or may not be a good idea. I do not know.

For example, your DP yelling at your DD is already abuse of your DD. You could go to the police and ask to speak to their Child Protection Team discuss this situation with them, or dial 101 and talk about what is happening.

This suggestion sounds heavy handed, but you and your DD are in quite a serious situation. You do not have to do any of this today.

Well done for telling your friend that there are problems in your relationship. It will get easier to talk about.

Tell him that what is wrong is the constant groping! You're entitled to tell him that you have come to realise that you don't like his his attitude to sex and your body.

Smeagol - well done, and hang on in there. You are doing really well. The compliments on your appearance are a crude attempt at "hoovering" - i.e. being nice to try to draw you back in - fortunately in this instance totally undermined (from the point of view of him getting his way) by him coupling them with groping, which leave the real reason all too clear. But you're right to be wary - he senses you're managing to lengthen the chain that holds you to him, and he doesn't like it.

I'd have to disagree with NotMe though - don't confront him on it. In this case it's about getting through the time period it takes to line up your ducks and escape. Talking about it would only make sense if this was a normal relationship, and there was some hope of fixing the problems. Confronting someone when the relationship is abusive and you're trying to plan your escape is a dangerous thing to do.

Smeagol I couldn't read your post and not comment. I've been here myself and had a very similar thread and lots of support from MN (my name back then was AboardTheAxiom).

I remember how disorienting and free falling it felt to realise I was in an abusive relationship and that I wanted to make plans to leave. It's a scary time but you will get through it. For me it took a long time to get my ducks in a row as I struggled to find housing but I kept at it and kept secretly posting for support.

The night I left I was sat in an empty house (that I knew wasn't a forever house) with just clothes and toys and I found myself smiling. I can't begin to explain how different it feels to not be second guessing, not having pressure put on you, not being on parenting guard of your child's feelings, etc. It's such a heavy cloud to live with and most people tend to cope with it by either autopilot and or blocking it out with other crutches.

I have to emphasise the other's advise to not confront him with how you feel or your plans. My ex was exactly the same in that he sensed something had shifted and I did find myself in a vulnerable position at one point - confronted out in a country field at night with no transport of my own or my family, fortunately I managed to blame my "mood" on other stresses I had going on and continued to keep my plans and feelings to myself. Unlike you I had already tried the reasoning and sharing my feelings in the past and had finally had my eyes opened that a controller will just use this against you and weaken your resolve.

I had 6 years just me and DS. We rebuilt a family home while I enjoyed the freedom to express myself (painting walls in bright colours, playing MY music, dressing how I wanted, studying, learning to drive, back to work, seeing friends, not having to shave if I need want to etc). We had lovely times and I have now met a man who couldn't be more different from my ex. It took me a long time to even consider dating again though. Focusing on me and DS was my priority.

Good luck smeagol and keep posting on here for support.

Stay safe Smeagol. I've been following your thread and am really impressed with the way you've handled all of this. You've shown such strength in yourself and it's inspiring. You just need to stay strong a little longer and you'll be free.

Think you could turn it back on him? When he asks what's going on, say "everything's fine babe... (Look at him) is everything ok with you? You're acting weird." When he says he's fine, shrug and say "ok hon" then carry on reading.

I say this not to recommend that you start playing mind games with him, but merely to get him off your back. He will stop questioning you if you deflect the questions in a way that won't aroise suspicion.

"You're entitled to tell him that you have come to realise that you don't like his his attitude to sex and your body."

Yes the OP is entitled to that, notme, but her focus now should be on her exit plan. Smeagol doesn't need to invest time in "retraining" her partner or getting him to see the error of his ways. That isn't going to happen.

The priority now is maintaining an appearance of normality so that she can get herself organised without being badgered, manipulated, fleeced (financially) or in danger.

I'm new here and have been lurking. Had to comment to say how incredibly brave you're being. I can't believe this thread only started last week and you've already made the decision to leave.

I would just add - don't contact the police unless/until you do want them involved. If there is any kind of domestic abuse (physical or emotional) situation they have to investigate whether you want them to or not. This would mean they would contact your partner and he would be alerted. Stay in contact with women's aid and find out if there are any domestic abuse charities where you are. The police would advise you to contact them anyway as they don't really give much advice themselves.

Keep safe

He can feel his control slipping and, while this is a massive leap forward for you Smeagol, it can be dangerous in terms of his potential reaction. I like DeadGood's deflection idea, hopefully that will give him enough cause to question himself that he'll be too busy to wonder what's happening with you too much. You could combine it with dowhatnow's idea about blaming giving up drinking if he persists but heed the advice about him possibly trying to get you to start again, getting everything back to 'normal' (his normal at least) will be exactly what he wants. It's great that you've started to open up to friends in RL, now is definitely the time to start building some RL support so it's in place when you're ready to leave. I'm going to add my voice to the others urging caution while you're still there though, you're right about the haircut etc, you need to just quietly get those ducks in a row and then get away before he has any idea it's going to happen, any other strategy is just too risky because you simply cannot know how he will react. You're doing all the right things and coming to all the right conclusions along the way, have confidence in that and, hard as it is, don't let concern for his feelings cloud your thinking. Now is the time to focus on you and DD only and every time you struggle with that just remember all the times what you wanted mattered not one jot to him. We're all cheering you on every step of the way

Thanks. I'm feeling so confused and a bit paranoid today.

Sometimes everything seems so clear and it feels easy to plan and make decisions and then a few hours down the line and everything is confusing to the point of me thinking that I'm overreacting and I'm now questioning my own sanity.

Everything that's changed is internal and private (including my sobriety as only my family knew about my alcohol struggles and then not even the extent of it) so it's easy to carry on as normal. I know I want to leave, that hasn't changed.

yourhand that sounds lovely. I'm craving that freedom.