What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

[FindingSmeagol]

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it . I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

I hope you and your daughter are enjoying yourself this weekend.

Smeagol, no judging from me either.

I 100% agree with Mathanxiety re the undermining of your parenting. My dh always told me I was too soft on dd, like yours he shouted at her for things I saw as being her age and herself. But he was getting at me in other ways too, and my confidence was at rock bottom. One day she knocked a bowl off the table - pure accident, something I would normally have said "oh dear, let's clear this up" to. But dh was there and he had been berating me strongly about being soft on her and it was his gm's bowl and meant a lot to him and so I shouted at her. I am more ashamed of this than I can describe. I still don't know what I thought I would achieve - his approval? I didn't get it. He yelled at me far more than he had ever before and had me backing out of the room in tears trying to explain that I was just trying to do what he always told me to do. He towered over me and terrified me, he left me cowering and in tears, begging forgiveness. I am sickened and ashamed that I brought that down on dd, 3 years old at most. The guilt is there always, even many years on it's still there, and though dd is grown up now part of me is still watching for signs of damage from that incident.

I don't think you'll ever get to that point where you're so worn down that you would do that, but I want you to know how awful it can get so that you can guard against it.

Imenjoyingthis oh FTFO you stupid child.

OP thinking of you. I've been reading this thread with an increasingly sinking heart. I hope you find peace soon.

Why get someone to the point that they're naked and in a sexual position on the bed before then saying 'I can see your not up for it'?

Because it's about control, not sex.

Also, I agree, the humiliation.

Why could he not see you weren't up for it before you were on the bed? He could. That's why he continued. So he could control and humiliate.

Awful substandard poor excuse for a man. I'm so sorry you are temporarily stuck with this tosser, I hope you and dd have a lovely weekend.

ImenjoyingThis appears to be new to MN. First post under this name anyway. Which is concerning,

Now I don't want to troll hunt but I've reported that post just in case...not the kind of thing the op needs to read on her thread!

Now I don't want to troll hunt but I've reported that post just in case...not the kind of thing the op needs to read on her thread!

Quite right too. Nobody here wants to read that kind of crap.

Imenjoyingthis if you can't post something constructive, just don't bother posting at all.

Smeagol I read your thread yesterday and it was a really harrowing read. It also disturbed me as I saw character traits of my ex in your DH. I know how hard it is to try and accept the man you are with is an abusive bastard and to look at his behaviour and see meaning behind it. It is awfully difficult to come to terms with it. I would still be with my ex if he hadn't made the decision for me and my life is miles better for not seeing him but he really had a hold on me in a way I'd not experienced before and letting go has been so fucking hard.

But however hard it has been and despite missing him it is such a relief to not be in the grip of the constant headfuck. Questioning yourself all the time, doing things to please him, feeling shit all the time. I promise you it is a million times better now despite still having feelings.

My ex is not in the same league as your DH, yours is on a different level altogether and one of the worst I've read on MN. A good man who truly loves you will put your welfare above his and not get pleasure out of trying to degrade you.

I hope you're having a peaceful weekend. Nobody will judge you on here regardless of what you do or don't do. If you want to, you can do this. Baby steps are still steps.

Ok this might be for a point in the future for when you are stronger but you need to take the steps below, before you actually leave him. Perhaps sooner, rather than later, in case you reach a point when you snap and can't take any more.

Find and make copies of all his bank statements, pension scheme, share certificates, payslips for the last three years etc and stash them at your parents house or other safe place. Also get copies of the details of any mortgage and any other financial dealings. He will quite possibly hide all of this if you do end up divorcing. The more information you have, the easier it will be to get out and get what you are due, when you feel strong enough.

Agree with dowhatnow. I'd take you birth certificate and dd's, also passports, marriage cert and any other i portant docs to your safe place too.

You're a strong woman, Smeagol, and you will get through this and come out the other side happy.

I've been reading this with mounting horror. Nothing to add, although I believe that Smeagol has said that she is not married to her partner.
Does the pension stuff have relevance in this instance?

for Smeagol

I don't want to be in this anymore. There's nothing left. No redeeming features. I feel utterly done over and used. I'm exhausted by everything. I don't want to go home. I don't even care if he is the troll from earlier. Highly, highly unlikely as he's called a few times and sounded absolutely fine and normal.

Thanks for the legal advice. I'm not married and only I pay into a pension so I'm not sure where we'd stand. I will start moving mine and dd's important docs up here.

Me and dd have been having a wonderful weekend. Nothing but messing around outside and for me an endless walk all alone listening to music. My idea of heaven. It's been blissful apart from my creeping thoughts.

Not being married means you can walk away easily.

Ah smeagol, so glad you have had a good weekend. Fantastic.

You can choose not to be in any relationship simply because you don't want to be any more. Yes, you have a multitude more reasons, but that's the bottom line: you want it over, it can be over.

So glad you are starting to take positive steps Smeagol.
Sounds like you have had a lovely weekend and a good chance to think about your situation.

Stay strong Smeagol I have been really moved by this thread.

smeagol you've been incredibly brave and strong to choose to look at this, you could so easily have made excuses and continued as you were, because despite the shit it can seem easier. Please bear in mind though that the end of the relationship will still be a loss for you, regardless of the circumstances, and be kind to yourself.

I am welling up at the thought of you freeing yourself, I found myself walking through shops marvelling at the fact I had no one to answer to, not having to incessantly check my phone to make sure I hadn't missed anything that I'd be punished for not replying to you. You deserve to live freely, everyone does.

I don't want to sound pushy Smeagol, but do you HAVE to go home? It sounds like your family enjoy having you and dd, perhaps you could stay a while? Would your work be ok if you asked for some time off? Just a thought, take things at your own pace of course, you are doing so well

Yes, what is preventing you from leaving this man right now?

Smeagol, the troll from earlier was a previously banned poster, so i don't think it was him.

nowweshall God that's familiar. I've backed my partner up in telling off dd off before on two occasions when I didn't really feel she needed to be. I'm also deeply ashamed and feel awful an this. When it involves dd being told off It's the only time now that I'll properly challenge him and he hates it. That's when the anger comes out. Other than that we don't argue ever. This was always something we bother used to pride ourself on and in my mind showed us what a great couple we were. I realised a few years ago that actually arguing is meant to be part of a healthy normal relationship.

Which brings me to lwejis question. I read it in the night and really struggled to know the answer.
It's a few things. Fear of the unknown. Living for a short time potentially with him and the fall out from saying I'm leaving but most of all I feel I owe it to him to have a period of time for the relationship to 'disintegrate' in his eyes. If I was to leave or say that I'm leaving now it would be such a bolt out of the blue for him as I imagine he thinks we're in a happy relationship. It's been well over a decade of being together without either of us every mentioning splitting up.

Also looking to the future and contact with dd I hate the idea of having to force her to spend weekends or whenever with him. She loves him and he is good with her but she's a real little mummy's girl and I can't imagine she'd be happy for me not to be there too.

Sadly I have to go home today as a had carers leave for dd and then I took that day off last week as well.
I'm going to get a bag of important things and overnight things together and keep it hidden. Im also going to meet with an old and very lovely friend of mine in the next few weeks. I'm going to tell her what's been happening. I couldn't bring myself to tell family because it's been like lovely escapism up here and the shit would immediately hit the fan if I told them.

You don't owe him anything. He doesn't care with the relationship is hood or ba he just wants control and whilst he controls it it is good.

Yes, DD having to have contact with him sucks and the first year at least will be really hard but it gets so much better.

I can ensure you that being on your own is amazing, DDs dad and I didn't have as much history as you and I left when pregnant as he was showing all sorts of red flags. DD is happy, confident and caring. She leaves on a peaceful quiet house with pretty much no stress or shouting. Yes, when she goes to her Dads he tell her how wonderful we were together and mummy was mean and tells her off for things which are just age appropriate but better for her to only be around that once/twice a week than everyday. Parents who stay together for the kids do more harm than good and teach them poor relationship skills.

You only get one life and it's too short to spend with an arse like him. Would your parents be able to put you both up for a while? If you aren't married you really can just cut your loses and go. Pack the car up with what you need whilst hes at work and leave him a letter. If you don't have concerns about his physical care of her put in a day when you'll arrange for him to see DD preferably with a third party for handovers and then drive. Talk to hR and see what support they might be able to put in place If you can stay at your current work place great, if not see if they can transfer you to a different area closer to your parents.

Good luck, it's tough but the only people you owe anything to is yourself and your DD and youre already taking great steps in the right direction.