What a prick! Pissed offwith me because I've got my period.

[FindingSmeagol]

I've been away from Dp for a week with dd 2. It was only meant to be a couple of nights but she ended up in hospital for one night with an infection (absolutely fine now) so I went from there to my family as I knew he'd be working and I wanted some support. First morning home and he notices San pro in the bathroom and says 'oh ffs your kidding?!' Um no these things happen monthly and no I've no control over it . I said 'you are Joking right? He's not. He feels cheated out of another few days of sex because he knows I'm not up for it in the first few days. Not really an AIBU. Just a 'what a cockwoble' klaxon type rant. Agh and breathe.

Fear of the Unknown I can understand. But I can't emphasise enough that you do not owe him anything. Please, please don't make that a reason for not leaving. He's brought this entirely on himself. Do you really think he's ever felt guilty for putting you through what he has. Of course he hasn't or he wouldn't do it. Of course when you do actually pluck up the courage to leave him, he'll try every trick in the book to guilt you into not going. Expect that and refuse to back down. Don't put yourself through the pain and anguish of seeing the marriage disintegrate. He's a master manipulator. He's not going to let you go without making it difficult for you. Cut him out of your life like ripping off a sticking plaster. Write him a letter to tell him why the marriage has "disintegrated" and go.

As regards your dd. Unless you intend to spend the rest of her childhood with this man, then the younger she is, the easier it will be to accept change. The older she gets, the harder it will be for her and the more damaged she will be from his headfuckery. Don't stay for your dd. Leave for your dd.

I'm so glad you've found someone in real life to tell.
Virtual support is great but only gets you so far.

You don't owe him anything. If he truly cared for you he wouldn't behave as he does. It's all about him, his wants, his needs. He doesn't put your feelings first so please don't feel guilty as he has lost the right to explanations and chances. He is incapable of change. A man who takes pleasure in humiliating you and controlling you for his own benefit. This is the man he is.

The unknown is scary but can it really be worse than the present? Peace of mind is worth everything. You and your DD deserve to be put first.

I'm so pleased you are going to talk to your friend.

I didn't mean marriage as you aren't married. I should have said partnership. But anyway the message still stands. He's not considered your feelings so you shouldn't be worried about considering his.

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to de-lurk say how bloody amazing I think you are.

I read your earlier posts on another thread about giving up alcohol and had my fingers crossed for you. To now read you going through all this as well - fighting for your daughter and to get your life into a better place - I don't have words to describe how much I admire what you're doing.

There's probably a mini army of us lurkers reading your posts and sending all our thoughts your way. Wishing you all strength and sending un-mumsnetty hugs.

smeagol you're doing really well. Stay strong.

Take advice from aa "one day at a time" it's always easier to consider things in small doses.

X

Smeagol you could start the process of the marriage disintegration (ie giving him warning) by just saying no to sex and stopping allowing him to control you...
"No, I'm not in the mood."
"No, I don't feel like it."
"No, I'm not just a object for you to wank in because you 'need' a quick shag before work."
"When you make crude 'jokes' like that, I really don't find you attractive."
"Pestering me constantly to 'service' you is demeaning and disrespectful."

Oh, and I'd start planning that tattoo you'd like... maybe leave some designs around the house...

the shit would immediately hit the fan if I told them.

I hope this means they'd go batshit at him and not allow you to go back home.

Whatever you do it will come as a shock to him, is my best guess. He's happy to walk over you so he'll just see your resistance as a challenge rather than the relationship disintegrating.

I do think he'll make it very difficult for you. And I do think he is capable of violence.
Ideally, and to be safe, I do think you should sort out somewhere to live (and don't tell him where) and either leave and then tell him, or have someone with you when you walk out.

Delurking to say how brave I think you are, this must be so difficult. I also think even if he hasn't been violent as such yet, it's all there under the surface. Be careful and be safe.

I strongly agree with Lweji, don't want to scare you Smeagol but I think he has potential to be far nastier than you imagine, if nothing else make sure someone knows on the day you tell him and have them on standby or be there with you, take care of yourself and dd

Smeagol I wonder if it would help for you to start reading up on the legal side of his potential access to DD? In your circumstances getting the arrangements formalised from the outset may well be in DD's best interests either by applying for a child arrangement order yourself or by withholding contact and making him apply himself in order to see DD. It would give you the opportunity to voice your concerns and have CAFCASS do a report on what would be in DD's best interests before the court decides what access he can have. Bear in mind that there will be costs involved, mainly for whoever applies (so it might be best to leave it to him to apply rather than doing it yourself) but there may be mediation fees for both parties initially. I found this link which you might find helpful www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/professionals/child-arrangements-orders.aspx and it clearly states that any harm you feel may come to DD and his ability to care for her and fulfil her needs would be taken into account so you would have the opportunity to recount the previous incidents where his approach has been heavy handed and express your concerns about his handling of or behaviour around DD. There are, of course, never any guarantees about what the court will decide as the emphasis is always on allowing a child to have a relationship with both parents but it would at least give you some legal recourse if you're worried about the effect of his contact with her, you can apply for changes to the order at any time if there are concerns. Sorry if this info is premature for you at this stage but knowledge is power and it can't hurt to have a clear plan in mind for how you want things to play out when you are ready

He will threaten all sorts, no doubt.

But hold your ground and say ''ok, a judge can decide''.

A man like this, his next predictable move is to question your mental health and threaten to go for custody of your dd. Don't get drawn in to it. Just say ''ok, you do what you have to do'' and walk away.

Get a solicitor and talk to women's aid. It is such a predictable manoeuvre that they will be like, oh yeh, page forty of the Bingo Fuckwit abusers' script. they can tell you what's on page 41.

If I was to leave or say that I'm leaving now it would be such a bolt out of the blue for him as I imagine he thinks we're in a happy relationship

Does that matter? If he were honest with himself he would know that it cannot be a happy relationship for you. The reality is that he's happy because he thinks he's got you where he wants you. It would do him no harm at all to be brought to realise that you know what has been going on.

I really wouldn't warn him that you're leaving.
I think he has the potential to get very nasty (well, more nasty), very quickly.

Your posts have given me chills op, I'm so pleased you've had a weekend away from it.

I can see where you are coming from with I feel I owe it to him to have a period of time for the relationship to 'disintegrate' in his eyes

What if you looked at it differently? How about you have a period of time for his control to 'disintegrate' in his eyes?

Get your hair cut and coloured. Get a tattoo. Refuse all sex, preferably using his words right back at him "I'm not up for it now and won't be later. Go ahead and have a wank if you want." Argue differently.

Your descriptions of your "discussions" or arguments sounded like brow beatings that continue until you are beaten into submission.

It is completely OK to say your piece then refuse to discuss any further. "I've told you how I feel. I understand your point of view but it doesn't change my opinion. I am not going to engage in any more discussion about this now." Then walk away. This is a very normal way to handle a difference of opinion.

Over many years, I've come to believe that repeated long heavy conversations are a sign of emotional abuse. Normal behaviour is relatively short conversations then you each think about things separately then have another chat after reflection on each other's view point, often at least a day later, perhaps repeating the process of brief exchange then reflect many times.

If I were you I would have all my plans to leave quickly ready before showing him that his control is gone.

Btw, the way he got you to drop your friends to spend more time with him is exactly how abusive men do it. Text book.

Im reading a book called nice girl syndrome atm smeagol
Don't put your need for safety above his need for control.

I honestly think a bolt from the blue would be wiser, and safer for you, than antagonizing him and letting him understand something is changing in you. You dont reallly know how HIS behaviour will change in tune with yours.

dowhat no I don't think he feels guilty about the way he's treated me because I'm still not sure he realises how negative and manipulative his behaviour has been. I'm still trying to get my head round the fact he's been manipulating me and worse and a small part of me is clinging to the possibility that he's been doing it without realising it himself. Written down here I'm aware that sounds stupid.

papaver and rabbit that's sort of my plan but any whiff of things becoming unsafe I'll move quicker.

lweji yes by that I meant they'd be appalled and do anything to look after me. However that's also unknown territory as we are, on the whole a family who do not talk about problems.

To everyone who is concerned about our safety. I'm not going to let us get in any position where its compromised. I will be hyper aware.

hiding and roob and anyone else with the splitting up nuts and bolts. Thanks, it seems like a mine field. I'll try women's aid again. I need to see the CAB anyway this week. They might be helpful with that side of things too.

I've looked at the blurb on the book and it's sounds useful.

I agree that a bolt from the blue would be the best.
No need to warn and argue, he has clearly shown himself to be abusive.
Best of luck

a small part of me is clinging to the possibility that he's been doing it without realising it himself

At some point it doesn't matter if they know they're doing it or not.

You're still suffering. Your refusals have had no effect. He doesn't listen to you or consider your points of view.

no I don't think he feels guilty about the way he's treated me because I'm still not sure he realises how negative and manipulative his behaviour has been

Ok what you are doing here is assuming he would ever feel guilt about the way he has treated you. He is not you. You would feel guilt. He will only feel panic as you slip away and that is when it gets dangerous. Currently 2 women a week are killed by their partners. Just recently a case where the man killed the children as well, because she was going to leave him.

You don't try and reason with abusers love, you have to get away before it ramps up. Stop trying to reason with it in your head; there is no way you can predict his behaviour and upsetting the status quo is like a red rag to a bull.

Or rather, do put your need for safety above his need for control , roob , I think is what you mean?

You're doing well. Keep safe.

OK, heeded. I'll stay safe.

Blimey yes, thank you for correcting me

I'm so glad you've had a good weekend. In the future there will be plenty more of these to come.

Stay safe. I could see him turning violent or forcing you to do something as it will 'challenge his dominance'.

I hope you get your hair done soon - enjoy your time with DD too - they are only little for a short while and you want that time to be full of happy memories.