Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

[UpsetandDeflated]

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

I'm struggling to get my head round the proposal as a 'gesture' idea ..what did he actually expect you to say? Aww no I couldn't possibly marry you but thanks for the lovely gesture dear! ..I can't understand if he's genuinely really stupid or just downright cruel and simply doesn't care ..either way you deserve so much better

You're all right. I'm quite overwhelmed with the response tbh because I have been sat here thinking I'm being too sensitive because of what's been said. He is just carrying in as normal .

*on.

Thank you for everything everyone has said I really won't let this go, I know, there's no way back from it.

I would be devastated and feel utterly humiliated.

It wouldn't be about the actually getting married, it was being told that I wasn't worth getting married to. I would feel completely set up.

Huge hugs op

There is nothing here, we have said, that your friends in real life won't be saying to you as well. Trust them to help you xx

Not alone that I wasn't worth getting married to, but that I was so far from being worth it that I should never have believed he would want to marry me.

And that I should be grateful he was willing tondona fake gesture he didn't mean, because that was the closest I was ever going to get.

His behaviour now reeks of contempt for you.

I'm afraid this isn't going to ever go away.

You will end up really resenting him and losing all respect for him.
You just don't do that to someone you love.

This takes "cruel" and "mean" to a completely new level, letting you organise it, buy a dress - and then retract.

No, OP, you are not overreacting, this is completely outrageous and unacceptable. I would tell him to pack his things.

Getting engaged isn't a gesture, it's an intention to get married. Did he think you were just going to be engaged for the rest of your lives?

I absolutely agree about telling people he broke off your engagement. That's exactly what happened, don't let him frame it any other way.

And I agree about saying to him that if he sees nothing wrong with that he did, he should tell the person he invited to be a witness exactly what happened and see what they think of it.

"I should at least appreciate that he felt that right then even if he doesn't now, because he did".

That statement says it all.

If he's being honest, he has felt like marrying you just once during your long relationship. He felt it strongly enough that he asked you to marry him, and planned it with you, and told people. He made the commitment. Then, all of a sudden, he does not want to marry you. He's not just unsure, he absolutely cannot go through with this, he does not want it at all. He is happy that you, your DDs, your friends are all upset, as long as he doesn't need to go through with the marriage. The only thing that I can think of that would elicit feelings like this, and change them so quickly, is guilt. I think he felt very guilty about something when he proposed, and now he feels less guilty, he has realised what a mistake it would be to go through with the wedding.

He is playing you like a fiddle, pretending that he doesn't know why you're upset and regularly saying "woe is me". He wants all the love and kudos that he thinks he deserves by proposing, even though he has rescinded the proposal. That's despicable, even without the knowledge that he shouldn't have proposed for kudos anyway, he should have wanted to marry you.

I compromised on the car that we have to make DP happy. I wouldn't dream of going along with planning and test drives, and then when we went to collect it, telling him I'd changed my mind and we couldn't have that car afterwards. If I did, I'd know damn well that I'd made things worse by making it seem possible that the car he wanted would be his, for letting him plan it - I certainly wouldn't expect him to still be grateful that I'd let him think about having the car! This is the same, but much bigger, because we can change our car again and you only plan to marry once.

I think there's a lot he's not telling you here, but I also don't think it'll do you any good to hear it. If you can face it, ask a friend to spread the news that the engagement is off and you've split up, so you won't have to worry about what he's telling people, or telling people yourself, or getting upset. Let people support you. Tell him to sod off. The shock is awful and you'll hurt for a while but you'll be a lot better off without someone who treats you so callously and then acts like you are unreasonable.

Agree with all the others. Do tell people what he's done OP. No one will think badly of you, and everyone will think badly (and rightly so) of him.

I think he's awful to now try telling you it's not a big deal, like he gets to decide how you react to him calling off your wedding. That's what's he's done.

He's gas lighting you, and I bet he's done it before. He's trying to change the story, to control how you feel, to make himself look better.

You've had a lucky escape here, he'd only be worse if you were married. I'd ask him to leave for a fortnight, see how much effort he puts in over that time to see the kids and you, your answer is there.

You should tell him you completely understand and that you're sorry for overrreacting and that everything can go back to how it was.

Then next time he leaves the house, box up all his stuff, tell all your friends about your broken engagement, and when he comes back just say

"Oops, that was just a gesture. You couldn't really have imagined I'd put up with being treated like that? How silly. Oh no, you can can fuck off now. But you should be grateful that for a few minutes I tricked you into thinking we had a future."

Appreciate what gesture?!? There is no gesture now! What a

If I want him to leave he understands.

First attempt to make you end it.

He genuinely doesn't think it's that bad, or that he's done anything particularly wrong.

If he honestly doesn't think so, why would he understand you wanting him to leave?

if I'm so upset, he should just go.

And another attempt to get you to end it.

Just adding to the chorus. I'd be utterly mortified.

I think he has done this to make you break up with him. Fucking coward!

So sorry OP.

End it, send him off. Who cares if that's what he wants you to do or not. Fact is, you won't be getting over it (it's not get-overable) so the relationship is over. You know it's his doing, regardless of what he may be trying to make you think or what he's trying to present to the world. You tell people that he turned out to be hugely deceitful and unempathetic.

You said it: it's over.

I'm so sorry.

What an arsehole!

What a horrible horrible man. There are no words really, hugs to you OP, i think you know what you have to do. Sending you strength

This is so sad.

I think you should leave as for him to string you along, build your hopes up and then smash them to smithereens is sick. You are important, your DCs are important.

Has he actually said why he doesn't want to get married? Nothing you've posted suggests he has actually answered that question directly.
And secondly, I think you should tell him you think he has done this to force you to end the relationship so he can use the 'we wanted different things' line and let him answer that.
But he really does need to answer those questions!

I think perhaps you should take yourself away from him for a night or two and have some time to think about what to do next. Xx

He should at least have the grace to leave.