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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

471 replies

UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 14:09

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

OP posts:
asconfusedasever · 20/08/2016 22:39

He sounds unbelievably cruel
My exh used to do things like this although not such a grand scale.
It makes you question yourself and your worth

Leave, take your dignity and dcs with you

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 22:44

LlamaDrama u think you're right. DCs aren't back for another 3 days and I'm sick of seeing his face. We live in a 'resort' town so I can get space. I can't believe how much this has affected me but I need away. I'm going to in the morning. Thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 22:45

I just don't understand how he doesn't see that you don't do that to people

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 20/08/2016 22:46

OP shouldn't have the up-heaval of leaving with the DCs - HE should!
He is the one who has caused this utterly shit situation.

CalmItKermitt · 20/08/2016 22:48

I'm so sorry OP. What a horrible thing to do 😟

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 22:49

DCs are with their GPS until mid week so it's just us here, I don't live local to family so the break will be good i think. It's not leaving my home it's clearing my head I think

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 20/08/2016 22:51

Yes, best to get away from him now.
I meant in the long term if anyone should go it should be him.

Yestotallyunreasonable · 20/08/2016 22:57

That's horrible. Sad

OP, please take PPs advice to tell people what's happened, especially the friends you've told about the wedding. There is no way you would look bad if you explan why the wedding's not happening but he will look like the shit he is.

OTheHugeManatee · 20/08/2016 22:57

Poor you OP. Hard to see how he can just carry on as normal Confused

Okkitokkiunga · 20/08/2016 22:58

I'm so sorry you are going through this. He is playing games. When you come back can you take the upper hand. I know you said you don't want to face the people you invited to be witnesses, but if you can try to. Phone them in front of your P and say unfortunately wedding is off as P has withdrawn proposal. I'd also say in front of him you haven't yet decided how this abuse of your trust is going to impact your relationship. I'd also do this whilst staring him in the eye saying that you were phoning them because he was a coward. I am a sucker for punishment but no one would treat me like that without fully understanding how unacceptable it is.

Be strong. WineWineCakeCake
He's an arse and needs to be made to feel like one.

SandyY2K · 20/08/2016 22:59

I agree. The space away from him will do you good.

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 22:59

Thank you. I said that earlier I think, even if I could forgive this, I'd never trust him again. If he doesn't even mean his own words to himself or me, how can I ever believe anything. I won't have it any more, I'm an idiot.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 20/08/2016 23:00

No. He's the idiot.

Okkitokkiunga · 20/08/2016 23:00

You aren't an idiot. He's a twat. That's all you need to tell yourself b

Uricon · 20/08/2016 23:03

You are not the bad guy here, so please tell people what has happened; you are not stupid, he did a horrible thing and for me, there would be no going back from it. Agree some space is a good thing, to get your head together

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 20/08/2016 23:04

This is one of the most... heartbreaking situations I have read on mumsnet.

So, now you can park the idea of ever getting married for the prize of staying with this guy who thinks it's ok to break off an engagement, string you along, and expect you to be grateful for him having once proposed to you but not ever intended to follow through with it? Fuck that!

Without him you could be single, and therefore not be with someone who thinks you should be grateful for a 'proposal gesture', or you could meet someone else who you could marry.

I agree with PP that he's manoeuvred you to do the breaking up so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for doing it. What an arsehole!

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 20/08/2016 23:04

This is one of the most... heartbreaking situations I have read on mumsnet.

So, now you can park the idea of ever getting married for the prize of staying with this guy who thinks it's ok to break off an engagement, string you along, and expect you to be grateful for him having once proposed to you but not ever intended to follow through with it? Fuck that!

Without him you could be single, and therefore not be with someone who thinks you should be grateful for a 'proposal gesture', or you could meet someone else who you could marry.

I agree with PP that he's manoeuvred you to do the breaking up so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for doing it. What an arsehole!

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 23:05

I'm going to bed, thank you for everyone who has messaged. Its made me feel better at least in that I'm not over re acting to how shit this is now

OP posts:
spankhurst · 20/08/2016 23:08

That's astonishingly thoughtless and crass. I think you deserve better.Flowers

msrisotto · 20/08/2016 23:14

You're not an idiot, but he is being cruel. He was cruel to play this trick on you, and he is cruel now for trying to convince you that you're mad for being hurt. He's not even sorry.

JaniceBattersby · 20/08/2016 23:20

This is a heartbreaking read OP. You're worth a lot more than this. He's really, really not the man for you. I'm guessing one day you will find someone who wants to marry you, and you equally want to marry, and you'll realise what an utter ball bag your current partner is.

Don't waste any more of your time on such a cruel bastard xx

LellyMcKelly · 20/08/2016 23:20

What a twat. Well, he definitely doesn't want to marry you. Twat. LTB.

slightlypreoccupied · 20/08/2016 23:22

How heartbreaking for you. Utterly reprehensible way to treat someone. I'm so sorry to read this, I am thinking of you.

I agree; LTB.

breezybeach · 20/08/2016 23:48

It will all be ok op
We all go through this stuff . It sucks . Then it gets easier . Then better . Then it's all good
We are all here supporting you
Sweet peaceful dreams to you
Everybody in real life will be there too
A very Unmusnet kiss and hug to you X

KickAssAngel · 21/08/2016 00:08

you're not an idiot.

I mean, just who would hear a proposal from their long-term, stable partner, and think 'oh, hang on. This is clearly a cruel trick to get rid of me and he doesn't mean it.'

His behavior has been bizarre and exceptional. No way would any normal, sane person guess what he was going to do.