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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

471 replies

UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 14:09

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 20/08/2016 20:17

When you look back now, does this disregard for your feelings or his culpability in wrong doing fit with his behaviour normally?

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 20:18

I think the same I think now, that he's done this so I will end the relationship, and he gets to be the injured, "we want different things so she broke up with me" party.

OP posts:
EverySongbirdSays · 20/08/2016 20:19

I'm assuming that by "gesture backfired" he means

a) He thought you'd say no

b) He thought he would then Lord this over you as some kind of proof or something "well you know I did ask you to marry me, I am a good partner but you said NO [HMM]

So yes I'd say that his gesture really did fucking backfire.

It's all very well not to want to marry as long as that is a principle you stick to, now it's a case of specifics, marriage isn't necessarily off the table, but not with you

Chippednailvarnishing · 20/08/2016 20:20

You need to make sure that you make it clear to everyone how cruel he's been, I agree he's done this in an attempt to make you look like the bad guy.

DoinItFine · 20/08/2016 20:20

He really can't be the injured party unless you keep this a secret for him.

Globetrotter100 · 20/08/2016 20:21

He is just really horrible, inconsiderate and cruel. I am very sorry he put you through this Flowers

FloweryTwat · 20/08/2016 20:22

You need to take back control.

Tell him that you have thought about it and you don't want to marry him.

And then dump him.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 20/08/2016 20:24

I don't normally advocate using Facebook in relationship breakdowns but in this case I would be singing his twatishness wide and loud

Coconutty · 20/08/2016 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ginslinger · 20/08/2016 20:28

i never thought I'd be so quick on saying LTB but this is terrible. He is awful and has treated you so badly, you are worth so much more than this. Kick him out and make sure everyone knows why. Flowers Wine

HeyMacWey · 20/08/2016 20:28

What a shit.
I'm not one for revenge but I'd sit quiet for a few months. Siphon off all the finances and quietly make plans to leave and one day just walk out the door with no looking back and not tell him.
You deserve so much better.

purplefox · 20/08/2016 20:29

and if I want him to leave he understands.
Sounds like he's engineered the whole thing to get you to leave him.

Badders123 · 20/08/2016 20:36

That is one of the cruelest things I have ever heard
I'm sorry op
Oh and yes LTB

AtSea1979 · 20/08/2016 20:44

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but sounds like OW to me. Maybe they had a row and he wanted to make her jealous, it worked, they are back on so he's back to being a cruel arse.

sarahnova69 · 20/08/2016 20:45

Jesus. What a selfish, self-centred, cowardly, selfish, entitled, selfish, F-star-star-CUNT.

As a PP has suggested, I really want to hear him explain to someone else how it was "just a gesture" and "you should be grateful" that he DEIGNED to want to marry you (maybe, sort of) for about five minutes. And then punch him in his twatty face so hard that he sees two of me. (Hey, OP, I box, and I could really use some practice right now. Just say the word.)

Please don't cut off your friends. I know you feel acutely humiliated right now, and you simply can't bear the thought of the next conversation with them. But the pain will only last a few seconds.. and they WILL be there for you when they know what happened. Give yourself a bit of time - but please tell someone in real life the truth soon. I promise, it will help.

I feel like he has to have form for something like this. Has he shown a penchant for being cowardly and terminally lacking in empathy in the past? And yes, I think it is over. How could you ever trust him again? How could you ever get back on a stable foundation?

Take care of yourself. I'm sorry.

WannaBe · 20/08/2016 20:47

I just mentioned this to my DP, and when I got to the bit where I said that he had said that if the OP wanted him to leave then he would he said "ha, he's having an affair."

OP you really need to go public about this. Say to him that yes, you think he should leave tonight and that you will be telling everyone right now that he is leaving and why.

He wanted the proposal and the marriage to be a secret because he didn't want anyone to know that he didn't plan to follow it through. Now he's right, it is going to backfire on him spectacularly because you are going to tell everyone that the reason he is leaving is because he changed his mind about marrying you after a month when you'd bought your dress, booked a venue and told your DD.

BlueFolly · 20/08/2016 20:51

Oh god, what a twat!

BlueFolly · 20/08/2016 20:52

Definitely you want to phrase it to people as 'he broke off our engagement'. That's what's happened.

Funko · 20/08/2016 21:03

Tell everyone on FB what you have told us. THEN ... Tag your partner

Then ... Tell him

And tell him to leave. Now.

Wanker. I with others... He's having it was having an affair. Sudden attack of the guilts / thought you were about to find out or be told so proposes. Crisis averted, you won't find out so he can call it off.

So sorry Flowers

Don't hide his secret and his shame. It's his not yours

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 21:03

He genuinely doesn't see it as that.he said

'I said it because I wanted you to be happy, as even after all these years you think I dont give a crap'.

So what changed, what happened in the last 3 days? I don't see how anyone can do that to someone

OP posts:
StorminaBcup · 20/08/2016 21:06

Absolutely vile. I'd lose all respect for someone this spineless. He's deliberately engineered a situation so that he could humiliate you. Perhaps your friends will be relieved for you, OP, that he called it off? Flowers

SandyY2K · 20/08/2016 21:08

If I had done that, asked and been involved with organising I time to marry someone I loved, then I changed my mind, I'd pack as much as I needed to, to make it easier on them, tell them how desparately sorry I was for hurting them, and say I know there's no way back from doing this to someone. Not hang about to tell them they should appreciate the gesture and not let it get to me because it's just a stupid idea.

^^

Everything you say here is what a decent human being would do. You aren't dealing with a decent one here and it's so hard to understand why your long term partner would treat you like this, when you wouldn't do the same.

Some people are just f**ked up in the head.

Now and again on forums, I read one story that just tops the level of cruelty of the rest. This is certainly up there. I'm so sorry for your pain. You are worth more and deserve more.

lionsleepstonight · 20/08/2016 21:10

I think I would find it very difficult to ever trust another word that came out of his mouth.

He will have a reason for such a vile action, as others have suggested, OW, anxiety, sociopath, cockwomble etc. But whatever it is, is not a reflection of you as a person.

I would pack his bags, change the locks and tell him to feck off. What an absolute arse.

You deserve so much more xxxxxx

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 20/08/2016 21:11

His comment is senseless, unless he has a learning disability.
How could he do that to you, let alone your DCs.
Something is going on and he's taking you for a complete and utter mug.
It sounds like he's got one foot in and one foot out of your relationship.

DoinItFine · 20/08/2016 21:11

It seems that you are dead right that after all these years he doesn't give a crap.

He wanted some meaningless gesture to trick you into believing he did.

But it "backfired" because you actually, genuinely believed he loved you, instead of taking it for the meaningless gesture he was offering.