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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

471 replies

UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 14:09

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 20/08/2016 18:45

I wouldn't be able to look at him. Are you tied up together financially?

IrianOfW · 20/08/2016 18:46

What a shit! Angry

So sorry. Yes I think it must over after that.

glitterwhip · 20/08/2016 18:46

Jesus ..I'm actually shocked reading that! And you are certainly not over reacting ..What a cruel thing to do x
I'm sorry op I just can't say a way forward from that ..I would find it unforgivable

MargoReadbetter · 20/08/2016 18:57

He's a weak man at best.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 20/08/2016 19:05

This is undoubtedly a LTB situation. In my opinion that's unforgivable.

ohfourfoxache · 20/08/2016 19:09

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.

Like others have said, this is beyond cruel. I wouldn't be able to get over this

kittykittykitty5 · 20/08/2016 19:31

As someone who went through exactly the same thing, I have always felt that him just not turning up on the day would have hurt me less because at least then I would have worn my dress and had my wedding cake to eat.

I have never, ever turned down a PF&C "Posh Frock and Cake" moment.

As it was, I gave my dress and all my outfit bits to a charity shop and my cake to two old peoples homes.

It was awful, truly awful.

Beelzebop · 20/08/2016 19:34

Is there any way he could be in any sort of mental distress, has he shown any signs? I am only asking as I postponed my wedding twice. My reason was anxiety though, and everyone already knows I get it. We have stayed together and get married very soon. If not, I totally agree with all the posters, he has been very cruel and your friends will see that. X

Doinmummy · 20/08/2016 19:43

Try and think of it as a
Lucky escape . I am NOT excusing what he has done but there have been many other threads where the woman has called off a wedding ( and been adviced to by MNetters) when something hasn't felt right.

It still doesn't make it any better for you .

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 19:47

Thank you, it actually helps to know I'm not being high maintenance or over - reacting to feel so hurt.
What I don't understand, is he genuinely doesn't think it's that bad, or that he's done anything particularly wrong. That isn't an act or anything, I know. He really thinks I am over reacting and that if I'm so upset, he should just go, because he never wanted to hurt me, it's just "the gesture backfired on him" and "I should at least appreciate that he felt that right then even if he doesn't now, because he did".
What the fuck is there to appreciate? He thought it, said it, let me get make a couple of plans and get excited, and then he changed his mind. And that means it's done. What the fuck do I have to appreciate in that??

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 20/08/2016 19:48

The gesture didn't 'backfire on him' and he understands fully what's happened, he's waiting for you to tell him to go ... I'm sorry OP.

Doinmummy · 20/08/2016 19:52

That's the bit I don't get - if he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you he should be bending over backwards to at least smother you with love.

I agree that he's looking for a way out . Have you asked him outright whether he wants to stay as a couple ?

DoinItFine · 20/08/2016 19:58

In what way did the gesture "backfire" on him?

Was he hoping you would decline?

It's pretty cheap thatvwhat you thought wasca decision to make a public commitment was just a "gesture" to him.

He sounds like a shallow, cruel coward who has one foot out the door.

He has caused you this much pain and is blaming it on you!

You can't stay with someone so nasty.

ZansSerif · 20/08/2016 19:58

He really thinks I am over reacting and that if I'm so upset, he should just go, because he never wanted to hurt me

But that makes no sense at all. Imagine a man who really genuinely decided he wanted to get married, proposed, let things progress, and then felt he couldn't do it, and his partner was devastated. He's be so, so sorry and so upset with himself. He'd be saying what a twat he was, begging her not to leave, and trying to explain what the hell he was thinking and acknowledging how awful it must be for her.

Not telling her she shouldn't be upset, and saying "oh well if you're that upset just dump me". It does seem as if something's going on and he's trying to derail things.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 20/08/2016 20:03

I should at least appreciate that he felt that right then even if he doesn't now, because he did

So what changed? Either he did have doubts when he proposed or something has happened to change his mind.

Either way he is not being straight with you (and perhaps himself) and that is what he needs to understand.

WannaBe · 20/08/2016 20:04

"He really thinks I am over reacting and that if I'm so upset, he should just go, because he never wanted to hurt me" Tell him to put that to the test. Call one of the friends that you invited to be witnesses (how did they react to your news of marriage incidentally?) then get your DP to explain to them that he made the proposal and now that he's decided he doesn't want to marry you after all you are the unreasonable one for being upset. Ask him what response he thinks he will get from that.

SandyY2K · 20/08/2016 20:04

Anyone who thinks a proposal is a gesture is off their rockers. I seriously think he's not just cruel, but he's mental now.

Oh how I wish you could stay and wait till it's close to his birthday, ask him to get the time off work as you're planning a trip to Vegas for him or anywhere else he'd love to go/ sporting event/flight and tickets to watch his football team play abroad.

Let him buy his holiday bits, perhaps renew his passport, then as time draws closer you say you've changed your mind. It was just a gesture. You knew he 'wanted' to go there, and he should appreciate the so called fukig gesture.

And that would be nothing compared to what he's done. Be glad your DCs don't share his DNA.

I challenge him to find anyone of sound mind to say that what he's done is okay and to not understand how you feel.

In fact how can you stay with a man who actually doesn't get it.? Not one ounce of understanding or empathy for your pain.

I couldn't sleep in the same bed as him after this.

DoinItFine · 20/08/2016 20:05

Pretty shit that he expects you to be grateful that he wanted to marry you for a few minutes.

Does he have any respect for you at all?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 20/08/2016 20:06

And the term 'backfire' implies to me that he expected you to react in a different way to his original proposal.

If he was expecting you to turn it down then he didn't actually mean it at the time.

Either he is losing it or he is hiding something.

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 20:11

WannaBe he told one of them and I told the other, but I spoke to the person he told too- they sent a load of Xxx's and we're made up. The person I told (who doesn't live in the same town) said a massive congratulations, and said i had to keep her updated, as she wanted to know when I was dress shopping to come through, and also showed me the dress choices they chose too for themselves. They were happy for us too.
I'm just beginning to think he's a bit sick.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 20/08/2016 20:11

Without exaggerating, he actually sounds like a sociopath.

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 20:13

If I had done that, asked and been invokved with organising I time to marry someone I loved, then I changed my mind, I'd pack as much as I needed to, to make it easier on them, tell them how desparately sorry I was for hurting them, and say I know there's no way back from doing this to someone. Not hang about to tell them they should appreciate the gesture and not let it get to me because it's just a stupid idea.

OP posts:
TheQuestingVole · 20/08/2016 20:15

OP don't worry at all about what he'll tell people or what people will think. If some guy told me he'd broken off a relationship because his ex wanted marriage and he didn't, I'd think, 'Good for her! That sounds like a woman who understood what she wanted from a relationship and asserted her perfectly reasonable right to set some boundaries.'

You can't stay with someone this cruel because you're worried about what people will say. That's just silly.

Plus I agree with everyone that he has engineered this to derail the relationship while trying to look like a good guy.

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 20:15

Apologies for typos as I'm typing quickly.

OP posts:
ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 20/08/2016 20:15

How unbelievably cruel.

So he has such little regard for you and your relationship he would rather you chuck him out and split up than have a very low key wedding after proposing to you, someone he's been happy with for years. I think it's pretty clear it's over..You deserve much better.