Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

[UpsetandDeflated]

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

I've got to guess the extra Ss stand for Stupid Sack of Patriarchy.

He's not going to admit this to anybody. OP pressured him to get married, he has his principles. He decided on mature reflection that he can't get married. OP fault for pressuring him. Boo hoo poor him.
You just have to love people with principles like this. Doesn't matter how they hurt people who have done nothing but love & care for them. I hope his principles love him back when he's out on his arse.

This cunt is never going to apologise or tell the truth, because his version of the truth is that you pressured him to marry him and so that was the end of things.

So you have to take the control here. I'd go with WannaBe's text on social media and to everyone else. Make it as public as possible.

The show him the door.

I am totally gobsmacked by the cruelty of that excuse for a man OP, and I see your point about wanting him to admit what he's done to others. The thing is, he won't. He's a proven spineless toe rag and he was forewarned, so I guarantee he has his story straight. The last thing you need is to be running interference, trying to correct whatever bullshit he comes out with. The upset and injustice of it all will be magnified if people seem to believe his sob story.

Get ahead of the story, OP. Tell everyone, then bounce his sorry arse out the door.

I wish I could hug you. I wish I could smack him in the face with a brick, the craven streak of shit that he is. Honestly. What an utter turd.

Maybe not today, nor tomorrow, but soon and in the future your life will be better, bigger and brighter without the dead weight of that man.

Just to give you the benefit of my experience, when this happened to me the only people my ex told were his parents and one friend. I had to tell everyone else (bearing in mind we'd invited 120 people to a wedding). His mum phoned round his side of the family but just told them the wedding was off rather than that it was his decision for it to be off.

He met our neighbour at the time about a week afterwards. The neighbour asked how the wedding was and he lied and said it was great thanks

I then had to tell the neighbour the truth at a later date.

So my guess is your man won't tell folk. As it is too like confronting the reality that he is a complete tosser.

You have to deal with it how you think best but I would force his hand soon-ish.

My children are home Wednesday so it will he said then. If he doesn't bring it up, I will be saying "Wasn't there something you needed to talk to 《dd》 about " if he doesn't, I will have to do so, and then tell her why he has to leave, in a nice way I mean, not to upset her but I need to tell her now she is a teenager that you can't love with someone who would do that to you. Then I will tell the couple of people who know because if he won't tell my daughter then he wouldn't tell them either.

live ffs my typing is atrocious,

So, you are going to sit and listen to him tell half truths to your child? Probably that he really loves you and there is no need to be married to show that, but that if you can't accept it he will leave' How the fuck are you going to come back from that? Your dd believing the sad sack and wondering why you are getting him to leave when he does really love you, and no one needs a wedding to prove it?

I'd be making damned sure that my dd had my side of the story. And appropriate lessons about taking control of my own destiny and not letting myself get railroaded into staying in a relationship where the man is allowed to weasel his way around and make up any old shite to brainwash the entire family into getting what he thinks he might want at any given point. The only question really is whether his desire to leave will win out over his desire to be seen as a good guy. He's sure fighting hard to manage to get both, isn't he? You didn't chuck him out when he cancelled the wedding, so now he is actively giving you more opportunities with all this hot and cold shit. He desperately wants you to tell him to leave.

For goodness sake, on this occasion, give him what he clearly wants and throw the fucker out without any further ado. Don't let him within an inch of a kid who will still believe the true love beats all fairytale and may well believe his side of the story.

If that happens, are you going to let your dd convince you to stay with the scumbag until he finds another reason to try and persuade you to kick him out? Chances are he'll also manage to spin her a good line about how bereft he is that you don't understand how much he loves you, and that you loved the idea of marriage more than him, so he feels he just can't stay. So he gets everything he wants. And gets to spin your dd along with him.

Spineless. Gotta be seen as the good guy. I'd be exposing that myself, good and fast, not thinking for one minute that him talking to my kids was going to release the truth to anyone. He's hardly likely to say 'sorry dd, I changed my mind and I have treated your mum appallingly, I am an arse and actually I don't love her that much. I've been banging Sharon from the office.' is he?

i wouldn't be exposing my child to his stories. I'd be protecting her from his version. You want him to tell her? Tell her what? How much he loves you, but it isn't enough for you and so he thinks he might have to leave? Guaranteed to get a teenaged girl on his side.

Take control yourself and get him out. Expecting him to suddenly get his shit together and do the right the right thing by your dd sounds like a recipe for disaster. You'll be back here saying dd is upset and says he really loves me and I should give him a second chance - you don't need a wedding, mum, he really loves you.

Upset That is a beautiful dress but I would not keep it now -it will forever be tainted for you and bring back unhappy memories.

I am sorry to see from your updates that he has shown more of his true colours. How dare he turn this around and blame you for going hot and cold? I would assume from his further treatment of you that he will not be truthful and will put a different spin on things to whoever he tells.

I am so sorry this has happened but at least he has shown himself up before you got married. Hold your head high, be strong and know that there really are good and kind men out there who will treat you better.

Wish I could give you a hug and join the queue to give f*#kwit a piece of my mind!

Good post from pontification. I don't think he should tell your dd or your friends.

This is a really sad post. Op, you say that when he proposed he said that he would promise to be a good husband. He's been in the role of your husband for a long time. If he's not been a good husband before marriage, he won't be a good one after marriage. You say he was trying to make you happy. You must have been very unhappy for him to make such a grand gesture. By breaking your engagement and dismissing your feelings he is telling you that he doesn't really love you. He has settled for your relationship but wants to keep his options open. By saying that you're asking him to break his principles he's trying to twist things so you're in the role of the baddie when you've done nothing wrong. He's got so used to dismissing your feelings over the years that he doesn't think he's done much wrong when he clearly has and i don't think anyone will convince him otherwise. You've got so used to accepting small gestures of affection that you're only just realising you deserve better. You deserve to be with someone that can't wait to tell the world he's marrying the love of his life. If you stay with this man, that will never happen.

pontificationcentral I think you are pebbly right which really hurts, becuase I'm thinking he will tell her from my perspective and he won't.
They love him to pieces, they haven't seen their biological father in a lot of years, ive posted about that before my usual name, but they so they look on him as their dad, they've only ever known him as they were pretty much babies really, very young.
He really has been good in our lives but I can't get past this I don't think. If I'd changed my mind after arranging a marriage to someone, I would be fucking racked with guilt and upset for doing that to someone, and know I didn't have a place with them now. He thinks I'm over reacting. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't

probably again please excuse typos. I'm typing too quick and it comes out rambled I think. But still able to be read so that's okay

Surely though he's already ended the relationship by breaking off the engagement, you don't have to end it because he's already done it!

Therefore take control and tell people, no matter how humiliated you feel, because once you tell people he has broken it off then people will know what fucker he is. No one in their right mind can break off an engagement and then still think they are in a relationship with that person.

Wishing you lots of strength x

Please dont let him 'explain' things to your DD.. .. You say he has been a father figure to her from a young age .. she is still a teen and will be torn and devastated , Its really not fair for her to have to deal with this or 'choose loyalties' between you which one is right and who is wrong .

You really do need to be the strong one here for your future relationship with your Dcs and how they handle this going forward . Please sort it out one way or the other before your DCs come back . Please Dont involve them in his duplicity ..

Good luck .. and I really hope you dont mind me saying this . I know I am just someone off the internet and know sweet FA about you and your family , (and probably shouldnt comment) . I hope i havent offended you.. but this 'advice' is meant with the best of intentions)

I'm with pontification on this. He has until Wednesday to come up with his spin and will try to get your dd on his side. Plus you can't hole up in your bedroom until then. Tell your dd yourself and make sure the others who need telling get it from your perspective.

OP I think you are desperately clutching at straws here and hoping that when faced with actually telling DD he might change his mind again.

Even if he changed his mind again do you want him any more?

Oh Op, this really is one of the threads were I'e felt for the OP the most

You will be alright in the end. And if it's not alright, it's not the end.

Overthinker2016 no. I've thought about that, if he said it was just nerves and he actually means it, what does that mean? Just that he doesn't know his own mind, so how can I. Or would I be meant to be grateful he finally changed his mind and think "thank you for marrying me" no, I don't want that. People should have conviction in their words, and be able to be taken at their word. He can't. Just changes his mind and everyone else (me) can pick up the pieces from the fallout of his indecision. I'm in my 30s, not 13. I don't want a pressure wedding, I never asked for any fucking wedding. But if I do, I want it to be out of love, not pressure. So even if he changed his mind, he'd be doing it out of pressure, not love, and that's not why you get married.

I recommend looking into resources on manipulation. Such as...
www.manipulative-people.com/revering-truth-characters-4th-command/

Your partner doesn't revere honesty. Take control, be honest with everyone around you (incl. DD). Let him go off and play his games elsewhere.

I'm absolutely fucking gutted. I don't want to lose my relationship, i really don't but I can't see how it could get better from this. It cant, just totally fucking deflated

I really don't want to lose my relationship, but can't see any way of coming back from it either. How could I ever trust anything again. I'm fucking devastated. It was never a big deal before, but he's made it one by saying it, having me book it, make small plans but then taking it away. That is what has made it a big deal to me. I feel sad he'd do that, who does that to someone. I just wish he hadn't have said anything at all.

But love, he did do those things and now you have to find a way forward.

I like the phrase : "If someone shows you who they are, believe them"

You don't want to believe him yet I know but you have to find a plan.

I think counselling is a good forward step, as well as envisaging Life Post Him and how you want that to look.

OP you are good enough to live with so you are good enough to fucking marry! What he did is so incredibly cruel it is shocking. I don't know ANYONE who would stay after that. You are worth so much more and by staying you are saying to him you are not worth more and that you will
continue to let him walk all over and humiliate you. That's unacceptable.

You can explain it to your daughter/friends/family yourself. You don't need to wait for him to do it.

"'Prick' decided that he didn't mean it when he asked me to marry him, so he has called off the wedding. He will be moving out on Tuesday."