Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

471 replies

UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 14:09

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

OP posts:
ApocalypseNowt · 22/08/2016 19:00

^left.....should have been laugh.

If you do want to wait till your DD is home use this time to get your ducks in a row.

Zucker · 22/08/2016 19:05

Find your inner rage with this specimen and tell him to get the fuck away from you. With each of his inane statements he's belittling you further. Pkease don't allow him to continue with this. Has he form for throwing you breadcrumbs of affection?

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 22/08/2016 19:08

Show your kids how it should be. What would you say to your daughter if the same happened to her? if a man did this to my daughter I'd think he didn't even like her, let alone love her. And I'd beg her to leave with her self respect intact tbh.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/08/2016 19:13

Do you think the same consideration does not apply to you, op ?

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 22/08/2016 19:13

Zucker Has he form for throwing you breadcrumbs of affection?

We have argued before, over me saying I'm tired of him not showing me enough affection, but I thought that was sorted, it was so much better. I never said he had to marry me, at all. I was just shocked and happy when he said he wanted to.

OP posts:
Funko · 22/08/2016 19:15

And she'd probably say the same to you. So, are you going to sit it your room or take over the house?

I know it's not easy and I'm a random on the Internet and it's all very easy for me to say but the responses you've had (save for one strange one!) have been unanimous.

Only you can change the course here.. Flowers

Laska5772 · 22/08/2016 19:18

I so agree OP , don't sit in your room while he is downstairs,.. you've done nothing to hide yourself away for..

sharksontheplane · 22/08/2016 19:20

I'm wondering if he ever intended to seeing he didn't want your kids to know.
How very cruel. Keep your lovely dress, store it for now. Kick his ass out and live your life. Find someone who deserves you.

SandyY2K · 22/08/2016 19:21

sacrifice his principles

If he had any principles, he wouldn't do what he did.

Does he have any biological children of his own? I truly hope he doesn't.

How would he feel if a man did this to your DD.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 22/08/2016 19:24

I'm so angry on your behalf OP. For him doing that, and for the fact that he still doesn't get how awful it was and how small it makes you feel. How very dare he play it down and make out that you're overreacting! Angry Whatever happens, make sure you tell people your side first, before he makes himself out to be the innocent party. Sad

Globetrotter100 · 22/08/2016 19:24

Just sending you sympathy, strength and positive vibes as you move through the next few days, OP.

You really are worth so much more than this, please keep that in mind every second Flowers

MooPointCowsOpinion · 22/08/2016 19:37

I hope he's told your Dd1 now, she's ripped him a new one, then you've kicked him out in his arse by now OP.

Lots of people here are very good at dealing with advice about property on a break up, so if you need it, use this lot. I've read a lot of these threads. The woman is almost never BU, and the guy is always an arsehole.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 22/08/2016 19:40

Hello Upset I hope you're soon in a position to change your username to something much more positive.

why should he have to sacrifice his principles to do something he doesn't even believe in to make me happy
He shouldn't,of course.

So he can do one and then do it more on a loop

He's totally misrepresented himself to you as a rounded human being.

For what it's worth at this painful point in time, I am shoulder to shoulder with you Upset and from what you can tell via the internet, I have a gut feeling that you'll come up trumps Flowers

trackrBird · 22/08/2016 19:53

tell him to get to blazes.

There is no future with someone who will behave like this. I'm sorry. Please, when you feel better, start to look for someone who cares about you and treats you well.

alphabook · 22/08/2016 20:13

You're blowing hot and cold? Is he joking?!

I can understand him realising he's made a mistake in going against his strongly held principles. What's unforgivable is the fact that he isn't desperately sorry for hurting and humiliating you, and the fact that he isn't begging for your forgiveness. When you love someone you're supposed to care when you've done something to deeply hurt them.

PerspicaciaTick · 22/08/2016 20:29

I don't really understand the "principles" stuff. In what way do his principles mean that he can't get married? Because he feels it is a patriarchal construction for the exploitation of women, or because he doesn't believe you should have any legal protection or what? Is any form of marriage acceptable (the two of you, the registrar and a couple of random witnesses, don't tell anyone) or is it all an complete anathema? In which case why did he raise the subject.
Unidentified, unnamed principles are simply something to hide behind, while he tries to gather the tattered shreds of his non-existent integrity about himself.

Laska5772 · 22/08/2016 20:46

Actually , reading this again has made me think of a particular f*ckwit who treated me like this in my 20s after an 8 year relationship in which I thought we would be together for ever also . He never actually asked me to marry him. but just dumped me (by phone) out of the blue because he'd been to a family wedding (which he hadnt even told me about let alone told me i had been invited also ) and people were asking him when he was going to propose to me .. (I am very happily married now to someone else btw)

If I was in your shoes I dont think I could ever go back to someone who had actually asked me and then rescinded it.. Even if he got down on his knees begged forgiveness and reinstated the marriage proposal .. Even if he booked it , paid for it , invited all his friends and family and actually turned up at the venue . The trust would have gone and I could never have believed in him again..

It is just sadistic, emotionally abusive and totaly perverse behaviour on his part , and in no way could anyone half decent think this was ok ..
How can he even think in his own mind that all he was doing was trying to make you happy..??

You are worth so much more, and have absolutely no need to be ashamed .. Pack his bag (with the dress in it - you really dont need to be reminded of it -change the locks and put his case outside the door for him to find ) .

Then tell everyone what has really happened

Mix56 · 22/08/2016 20:48

You could go down to him, & be sweet, make him Horlicks (sic) say OK, I know you have your principles gag & I don't want to pursue this unfortunate hic in our comfy life. I know you are right heave Come on lets kiss & make up... Lead him to the bedroom with your Doe eyes, then when he starts getting a boner. you kick him in the balls, & say, oh sorry, I didn't mean it.
Divine justice.

PacificDogwod · 22/08/2016 20:48

sacrifice his principles

Principles, my arse!
If he had any, he'd either not proposed marriage in the first place, or stuck to his word. I know I am repeating myself, but prick!

Wishing you strength for whatever lies ahead for you Thanks

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 22/08/2016 20:52

AnyFucker

Do you think the same consideration does not apply to you, op

Yes, I wish I had the strength that I bring my children up to have, and just say Fuck Off now. Fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off away from our lives as you don't even deserve to still be here.

But I need him to actually open his fucking mouth and tell people what he's done so I am here to see it, and hear it, if that makes sense. Ive heard what he had said and then un-said to me. I want to hear what he says to our friends. To just say go now , means he can spin some "she ended it because I wouldn't marry her" thing and i wont have it .
I want him to at least have the balls for once, to tell the people we told, DD being the most imprtant, why he's had a change of heart. And to tell our friends.
Then I want him to leave. It's not revenge, more that I don't want my children to come back home to just me, and for me to have ti explain why. I think he owes me that at least, and also to possibly see the magnitude of what he's done. You can't do that to people let alone people you say you love.

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 22/08/2016 20:54

What will you do if he refuses to tell anyone?

Laska5772 · 22/08/2016 20:56

But he wont do that , upset..

He's a coward..

GoblinLittleOwl · 22/08/2016 21:01

He's offered you something he knew you desired, allowed you to anticipate it, then snatched it away from you. That is refined cruelty.
Don't waste time expecting him to see the magnitude of what he has done; he is incapable of it, because his idea of love and yours are fundamentally different. He is only capable of self-love.
No more prevarications.
Get him out, now.

Funko · 22/08/2016 21:06

upset honestly, I don't know you and I don't know him. But I would put money on him not telling the truth to anyone. Not your friends and not your children. He's not going to stand and admit what he's done without his own spin on in to make him look better.. I fear that will leave you feeling humiliated all the more and you'll still have to contend with the confusion and upset of your children. You have an opportunity to be in control and not on the back foot.

I completely understand this is incredibly hard and utterly upsetting. Whatever you do though, know that there are lots of people behind you and will continue to support you during the aftermath for as long as you need.

Flatbellyfella · 22/08/2016 21:11

Could you invite your friends around, telling them the "coward" has something to tell them. I am so sorry to read of the way he has treated you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread