Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

[UpsetandDeflated]

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

I disagree with you, Pisssssedofff.

So proposing, choosing a song, talk of surprising the kids, asking the witnesses, & then calling off a once in a life time gesture to make it legal, to make it solid, to prove your love & support, isn't blowing fucking hot a cold then ?
He needs to go, he said "if you want me to go, I will"... Well now, follow up his offer. tell him to get his sorry arse out of your sight... the roller coaster just derailed.

I think the way he goes will be telling, either he doesn't put up a fight, (it was already his plan & doesn't give a shit,) or does a Gollum impersonation, whingeing & crawling & trying to grovel to stay...

When you stop trusting your partner, and they don't acknowledge your feelings or the impact of their actions in any way, then it's certainly worth leaving that partner.
Lack of trust and respect are not good bases for a relationship.

I don't think he will fight to stay.

UpsetandDeflated he broke the engagement, he's ended the relationship on his terms. The only choice he's given you is whether you're happy to pretend he didn't break up with you. He is a coward and trying to make it all about you and what you want from the relationship...even though marriage was never previously on the cards for you.

Decent people do not propose then rescind the proposal. Cancelling an engagement is officially ending a relationship. If he doesn't see that then he's stupid as well as selfish.

Sorry you're having such a hard time

He should be embarrassed, not you. How cruel to treat someone's heart so carelessly. Take your heart back OP, look after it and give it to someone who will treat it with a lot more love and care than this plonker.

I am going to, London

Good.

The fact that he would let you tell friends and your children and then rescind his offer speaks volumes.

He doesn't mind humiliating you so long as he gets what he wants. He possibly thinks you will put up with being humiliated. That is how little he thinks of you.

Get him right to fuck asap OP.

I just have to wait until my children are home, as it's his job alone to un-tell DD1 who has her chosen dress here and knows. He said he doesn't think it will be that big a deal as i think it is becuase he's a fucking prick
I'm sat in my bedroom drinking crap and watching crap, feeling crap. Just a hat trick of shit really.

Thank you for everyone's messages and support, I really was thinking I'm over reacting by being so upset over something I never asked for in the first place.

He said he really meant it at the time. Then I "started buying dresses and things" and he realised, why should he have to sacrifice his principles to do something he doesn't even believe in to make me happy.
Then why say anything in the first place?? I didn't ask or give any ultimations on it. He asked, said and fucking made a point of saying how serious he was, saw me going to shops, let me book it, knew I'd ordered certificates needed, choose a date that is significant to the relationship over the 16 years we've known each other, then decided, actually no, I change my mind. Either tell me to go, or get over it because you're just blowing hot and cold with me and I don't know where I stand. I'm fucking raging and so sad and disappointed.

ultimatums I meant.

And DD1 is a teenager? Oh my... well if she is anything like I was as a teenager he will live to regret this! I hope she is as protective of you as I was of my mum at that age.

To mess with a grown woman is one thing... to incur the wrath of her teenage daughter... well, I'd almost feel sorry for him if he didn't fully deserve what's coming.

Let him tell DD1, watch as she lets rip and then go out for some mother-daughter bonding time.

He is a cock.

I'm not given to angry reactions but right now I'd punch him for you.

Lorelei76, I'm right behind you, next in line.

Lorelei I think that's what he wants strangely enough as that way we'd be even, he's hurt me and I've then hurt him. I can't even be bothered talking to him, let alone getting any recompense for what he's done, there's none. He's downstairs and I'm in my room, I don't even want to speak to him. I honestly can't even cry now, just totally crushed that after all this time, I mean that little.

If I ever hurt my DH, I'm mortified, it cuts me to the core and I'm so desperately sorry and ask for forgiveness even though I'd never intended to upset him.

I can't ever imagine being so callous with the feelings of the man I love as your OH is being with yours. Yes, changing his mind isn't idea but his complete disregard for your feelings has got to be the most hurtful thing of all

I am raging on your behalf, you have been treated so so very badly.

That is exactly how I feel. We've argued before and I've said things I regret, and they stay with you becuase it's awful to know you've hurt someone you love. This to me is beyond that though, it's asking someone to marry you, making a point of saying "you'll probably think I'm drunk" but I'm not, I mean this. Saying you promise that if I will that he will be "the best husband I could ever ask for" then just saying no, actually I was wrong to say that, I don't want to, and if you want me to leave I'll go. I'm just drained really.

This is one of the most horrible things i've read on here. OP I want to come over there and hug you

There are two ladies who i work with that spring to mind. One called off her own wedding because her fiance was being a dick about invites (not providing address, etc, etc) among other stuff. She decided he didn't really want to marry her so she called the whole thing off and kicked him out. Now married to a nicey with two lovely dc.
Other lady's dh had an affair and left her. He turned up on her doorstep a year later begging forgiveness and she told him where to go.

On both of these occasions I didn't left or think 'oh poor woman, how embarrassing'. I though what brilliant strong woman - very fucking impressive.

This is how people will tihnk of you, I promise.

What Apocalypse said. You sound awesome 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

upsetandeflated why are you putting yourself though this? And I say this in the kindest possible way.

I totally get why you want that cunt to have to have to explain himself to your daughter but I fear that is just prolonging the agony for you and also placing an element of that on your children unnecessarily. He's probably thought up some absolute shitty minimising speech to say designed to make him sound wonderful or woe is me and you look shitty of you say anything different.

Get up. Use that anger, find that fire in you and leave the bedroom. Tell him to get the fuck out now. Say 'I'm sorry I let you think you were getting away with this and gas lighting me and that you get your say to my children, you should appreciate that gesture...but I've changed my mind. Get the fuck out. Now!'

Then, give him X time to gather his things. Spend the evening telling friends or family or not... Have a good bloody cry. Then put your best strong assed woman face on to greet your children when back and you tell them exactly how it's should be and that no man should ever ever treat you or them that way and you all deserve better.

If it helps, pack his stuff now whilst you are in the bedroom and throw it at him.

Show your kids how it should be. What would you say to your daughter if the same happened to her?

You can do this and you will be fine and probably damn proud of yourself too as you should be.

🍷 and [fire] for you!

I dont usually comment on these threads,OP but this is the most heartbreaking thing ive read here for ages. I am so sorry you are going through this .

But I think you do now have to think about yours and DCs future and move on without him ..

Is the house jointly owned? You'll need to start thinking about practicalities

It really does sound like he wants a way out but is too cowardly to do it. Sorry. You deserve better