Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

[UpsetandDeflated]

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

You have nothing to be embarrassed about, only he does.

Any friend who would find this funny isn't a friend.

I'd say that to behave this way, he doesn't even like you, much less love and cherish you in the way a partner should. You can do better than this.

Upset. I think you should go out, & just not come back.... until the kids return. Don't respond to his calls. Go & see a good friend or family member to get your own space & lick your wounds.
Just beware that when you return he may be shocked into reinstating the marriage offer.... then later down the line blame you for forcing him into marriage.
You deserve better than this.

Hi, thank you to everyone who's replied, it's helped just to get it down, since i don't want to say it to anybody I know, not yet anyway as I can't help feeling just thoroughly embarrassed.

I would love to do that Doin I agree, you're a genius. But I don't have it in me, I think I would be better to just say you've broken my heart, and my trust in anything that could come out of your mouth.
The door knocked before and I shit myself because I thought it was the postman, then remembered it was Sunday, it was only Amazon, ha ha.

I'm happy but unsurprised that it's pretty unanimous, there's no coming back from this. I just can't believe he genuinely doesn't think it's a big deal. I told him just what he's done, and he said that "we've always had a bit of a rollercoaster relationship in some ways, this is no different". It really fucking is, it's massively different.

"we've always had a bit of a rollercoaster relationship in some ways, this is no different"

Ugh

He really is a smug complacent twat.

What now?

Roller coaster is not great.
What made it roller coaster? If it's this type of fuckwittery by him, then this is just the last drop. You shouldn't accept it just because you've put up with other stuff.

I hope you can send him on his way without much trouble from him.

Either he has no idea how cruel he has been, or he knows and doesn't care. This has nothing to do with being a roller coaster relationship and everything to do with him being a smug arrogant arse

If he'd genuinely changed his mind and was contrite and upset about causing this, it would be different. But he's more or less telling you to get over it! so now he's trying to make you feel bad because of his fuck up?

Proposing when he didn't really mean it = utterly crap.
Pretending that it really isn't a big deal = beyond utterly crap.

You know sometimes you hear about the behaviour of someone and you just want to punch them the fuck out ?

That.

OP you would be telling him the truth - he has broken your heart. He doesn't seem to mind that he has done that terrible, terrible thing to the woman he supposedly loves. This man only loves himself - you are right to get rid.

The enormity of this is understandably consuming all your thoughts right now. Once you are a little less shocked, you need to process what his behaviour is telling you about this man, and what he really thinks of you. This "gesture" is truly beyond cruel, but I imagine it could well be just the culmination of things you have perhaps overlooked in the past.

Throw away any thoughts of shame or humiliation, and focus on a future without this cruel excuse of a man .

I'm so sorry for the massive hurt he has caused you OP. He gets my very first ever LTB. Or rather, kick his cocksplat wankbadger lying heartless cruel and disrespectful little arse out.

Massive hug to you, you've done nothing wrong except be a normal person who believes what their supposedly "loving" partner says! What an arse he is.

That's beyond cruel what a total twat he is!

I would tell him to saves the date - the date you tell him to do one and sod off!

OP
If someone makes you feel worthless, it's the ultimate signal to ditch them. I can't live with that. Is he that controlling in other ways too?

He is a massive bellend. Please LTB and enjoy your life without him. This is so terribly cruel. I'm so sorry OP.

Well is his last comment just reeks of "I was only in this until something better came along"

You know sometimes you hear about the behaviour of someone and you just want to punch them the fuck out ? I'm veering between feeling sorry for myself, and feeling that.

He's carrying on as normal. And no, I genuinely, 100% don't believe he thinks he's really done anything wrong. He just changed his mind, that's all (to him).

Rollercoaster relationship refers to the fact we've had some major fallouts i think. Really bad arguments, but nothing of recent and never anything life changing (no cheating, no violence, anything like that at all). Just fall outs sometimes.
I'm just baffled and confused because I've been nothing but loving and caring to him, and i never asked for this. He said it was what he wanted, let me make plans and then just changed his mind. I know it's ALL on him. But it doesn't make me feel less shit.

It's the fact that he doesn't think he's done anything wrong that makes him such a total bastard.

He doesn't give a shit about you.

His is treating you with utter contempt.

What were your other rows about?

Why did he say that you thought he didn't give a shit?

So sorry you're going through this op. What a dick. Life is way to short to be wasted being someone's easy choice. You deserve to be loved by someone willing to make an effort for you. Hugs x

Please please email your friends.
'So apparently X's proposal was just a gesture to make me happy and he had no intention of actually marrying me. If only he had told me that before I invited you to our 'wedding' and bought my dress. As you can understand, I want nothing more to do with the cruel heartless shitbag, so it's over between us.
Hope you're keeping well
X'

what a. Absolute arsehole!
Particularly if he can't even see what he's done to you never mind having the bloody hall to do it in the first place

You'll be so much better out of this op but absolutely don't have it as "she wants marriage & I don't" cause that's what the piece of shit wants, to effectively blame you. He broke it off. He's a cockwoble. This is all on him.

to you

OP I am gob smacked at just how awful he is. How can he not see what he's done here?

Have you made a decision about what to do next? I worry that the longer you stay put the more he'll think you're willing to sweep it all under the carpet.

He's not listening to your words perhaps he'd take actions more seriously?

Turn your back on him and never look back, he is a shit

I don't intend on letting this go. It is up to him and hum alone to explain this to DD1, who came to the shops for fittings with me, got excited, and when I found the identical dress online, made me bid up and up for it as she said I can't have any other one!
Once he has done that, I will know more where the land lies. I've heard absolutely nothing from the friends he told first, so I am guessing he's un-told them and they don't know what to say.

Have you told anyone IRL OP? You probably could do with some support.