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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

471 replies

UpsetandDeflated · 20/08/2016 14:09

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/08/2016 16:15

You don't need to tell anyone else if you don't want to. If you're close to his family if /once you end the relationship I would tell them he's done something very cruel and you no longer have any trust in him or believe his words.

If they ask what he did, you can tell them exactly what you said in your first post.

Friends do not need to know the details of your personal life. That he's breached your trust and confidence in him is sufficient.

I don't know what would worry me more. The sheer wickedness or him not getting that he's done wrong. Is this how he reasons in other parts of his life? Does he have friends? I'm just wondering how any normal human being of sound mind can attempt to plead innocence.

Original poster
UpsetandDeflated · 21/08/2016 16:15

DoinItFine the arguments we have had have been something and nothing, just disagreements. Never anything monumental or so bad you can't get over it. Just couple rows really. We have been together for years and never split up, even for a day. We have been solid, so I thought anyway!

OP posts:
springydaffs · 21/08/2016 18:23

Alright then, I won't start the spectrum discussion -

but I will ask is he known for being fabulously heartless in general?

expatinscotland · 21/08/2016 18:29

'Is he on the spectrum?'

Why do people even think having autism means the person behave like a cunt? It's so far beyond ignorant. Next we'll have depression. Hmm

springydaffs · 21/08/2016 18:33

Yes he has behaved like a cunt - no argument there - but not at all recognising the enormous pain of being on the end of his 'change of mind' could suggest he's... tactless

TriniRedVelvet · 21/08/2016 18:43

I'm furious about his monkeyfuckery on your behalf. Let him tell whoever needs telling. Fucking jackass!!

alphabook · 21/08/2016 18:56

*He just changed his mind, that's all
*
I would be asking him how you're supposed to feel safe and content with someone who changes his mind so casually about committing to your relationship? How do you know he won't turn round one day and decide he doesn't love you any more?

When is he planning on telling your DD?

DoinItFine · 21/08/2016 18:58

It could suggest he doesn't give a fuck.

He's on the "I don't give a shit about you" spectrum.

It ranges from "I don't give much of a shite, but I enjoy regular sex and you'll do for now"

through "something better has come along I would like to investigate while keeping you as an option"

all the way to "I never loved you at all, meet my one true love"

MudCity · 21/08/2016 19:05

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's cruel and thoughtless to the highest degree and shows a deeply unpleasant side to his character.

Hold your head high and make your plans to leave and eventually find a new relationship with someone who wants to commit and feels lucky to have you.

I wish you the very best of luck.

AntiqueSinger · 21/08/2016 19:24

Really late to the thread. Right. I NEVER do this on MN. Generally don't swear and am usually the lone unpopular person advocating for trying to make things work.

But on this occasion:

LEAVE THE FUCKING BASTARD!!! Run my dear. Pick up your injured dignity and pride and run. Do it in the dress you bought if necessary. Do not look back. What an absolutely cruel, shallow and hurtful thing to do. There's a man, hell hundreds of lovely, warm, genuine, affectionate, respectful men out there who will love you a whole lot more better and sincerely. He is an absolute prick for doing this. I am furious on your behalf!!Angry There is absolutely no excuse for his utterly callous behaviour!!

Dump him. Immediately and without regret! Make sure you tell everyone what he did. The cruel arsehole.

Here have these. Sure you've got a lot alreadyFlowersFlowersFlowers

Wishing you all the best.

By the way you have nothing to be embarrassed about people will quickly see what an uncaring idiot he is. Walk tall.Flowers

kstoddart · 21/08/2016 19:47

OP, I had an engagement end in a similar way 6 years ago when my then fiance let my parents pay thousands of pounds for my dream wedding in Cyprus to then call it off 2 hours before the ceremony.

Like you, I had been with him for some time. He proposed. He sent the payments for our church etc. We had some arguments about his family which I put down to stress and pressure of planning a wedding.

Looking back, it was the best thing for me. I moved on with a wonderful man,now my husband and had two beautiful sons.

Leave him. I know (I KNOW) how horrifically painful it is. Everyone in my life knew about my wedding. I had to face everyone. I get how hard it is. But he has emotionally abused both you and your daughter. There is no way back.

Get a good lawyer and get him to fuck. Do not allow yourself to be treated that way. And please don't blame yourself / feel ashamed or unworthy. It's his issues he's projecting onto you.

Here if you need to talk. I know exactly where you are.

AntiqueSinger · 21/08/2016 20:01

DoinItFine That is sooooo true!

Sooverthis · 21/08/2016 21:18

Do you know what it's fine to dump someone who doesn't want to marry you. Wanting to be married, to feel secure in a loving publicly confirmed relationship is not sad or desperate. I understand it might not be for everyone (I was 45 before I met someone I wanted to marry) but if you want marriage any man that really loved you would want to give you what you want. Step away from his script, the script that mocks your wants and desires, your wants and desires are totally valid they do not make you desperate or sad.

expatinscotland · 21/08/2016 21:34

'but not at all recognising the enormous pain of being on the end of his 'change of mind' could suggest he's... tactless '

No, it suggests he's an utter cunt and a manipulative one, too.

WhatTwinfuckeryIsThis · 21/08/2016 21:45

"Yoou know sometimes you hear about the behaviour of someone and you just want to punch them the fuck out ?

That."

And AnyFucker has nailed it!

PacificDogwod · 21/08/2016 22:01

Of course he is carrying on as if nothing has happened - he would just love for everything to go back to 'normal': you and the kids being there for him while he does not commit to anything. Prick.

I think DoinIt has it right: give yourself time to recover from the shock, decide which direction you see your life taking and then wrong-foot him just as he did you. He may get it then - or he may not.
IME some men's self-absorption is such that they may still feel hard done by… Hmm

Benedikte2 · 21/08/2016 23:15

It would kill my love for him dead in the water!
I tend to think he did mean it at the time and regretted it almost immediately. It seems to convoluted a way for a man to stage a break up, though now he's stabbed in the guts like that I wouldn't blame you for ending it all.
I am so sorry you've been hurt in this very cruel way OP

Lweji · 22/08/2016 08:57

The problem with him withdrawing the proposal is mostly how he doesn't view it as a big deal. Most people would work their best to compensate the OP for it, or realise it's a deal breaker.

PS: to those so appalled that they've given their first LTB, they should read more relationship threads. Or another in particular running on AIBU at the moment. Seriously, a man withdrawing a proposal and making light of it ranks fairly low in the LTB category that has shown up in MN, as well as real life.

Arfarfanarf · 22/08/2016 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spudlike1 · 22/08/2016 09:25

Goodluck in moving on from this relationship, at least you now know for sure he's not comitted.
there's a world out there waiting move on
Flowers

TendonQueen · 22/08/2016 10:26

'The gesture' doesn't mean a thing. That's like saying to someone 'I'd lend you money if you were in financial trouble' and then when they ask, saying 'no, I don't want to now, but you should appreciate the gesture that I lied said I would that one time'. It only says that the person can't keep their word, doesn't care about letting someone else down, is fine with betraying a trust and breaking a promise and thinks it doesn't matter. What sort of person does that? Now you know.

The 'she wanted to get married, I didn't' line is a complete red herring here. I would be saying to him (and others) that this has shown you a whole new side to him. That you have misjudged him as a person and now you've seen what cruelty and selfishness he is capable of, you can't just carry on in the same way. Marriage is not the central thing here at all, it's showing you are willing to let down and torment your partner.

He's probably thought that since you've had a solid relationship, you wouldn't make a drama out of this. Everyone has their deal breakers though and this is a very reasonable one for you to say 'no, that's done it for me'.

shockthemonkey · 22/08/2016 10:47

Upset, this may have been said, but from what he's saying and doing, and from his lame "justifications" of his actions, either he's very very stupid or he thinks you are.

Unforgivable

Pisssssedofff · 22/08/2016 11:04

I think you should forget all about it IF you were happy before. I've met old ladies who advised me in 15 years time you won't care about your DH's affairs but you will still be haunted by how much pain your children go through and they were right. Now we had other issues so it wasn't just affairs to be forgiven but this, this you can move past if you don't get caught up in all the drama. This is not worth splitting over, if you love him.

Stormtreader · 22/08/2016 11:26

"We have been together for years and have never split up, not even for a day."
"we've always had a bit of a rollercoaster relationship in some ways, this is no different"
"He really thinks I am over reacting and that if I'm so upset, he should just go"
" I have been sat here thinking I'm being too sensitive because of what's been said"

Is this the way things usually go? He does something twatty, you have an argument, he convinces you he was actually totally fine and youre being unreasonable, things go on as normal because you dont want to break up over it?

kaitlinktm · 22/08/2016 11:43

I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it

.. that gesture being the meaningless, empty one that he made quite randomly and then rescinded - yeah you really should appreciate that more OP. Hmm

How much of what he has already said, or will say in the future will end up being just a gesture.

Wankbadger.

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