Taking back a proposal. It's over, isn't it?

[UpsetandDeflated]

This won't take long I don't think. NC out of sheer embarrassment.

After years together, DP had never made any suggestion he wanted to get married. I have never tried to force the issue, or even brought it up in years.

A month ago, he said he wanted us to get married. Randomly asked out of the blue, and I was pretty floored by it. But really happy, obviously. He said he didn't want a huge big song and dance wedding as neither of us are like that, but he just wanted to be married to me. And that "he would be the best husband I could ask for".

He said he didn't have the first clue what he'd need to do, but if I knew and could do that, he would be happy with that. So I did.

I ordered documents needed, and booked it for a significant date. Very small wedding.
I took DD1 dress shopping. And myself, ordered and paid for both dresses.

Now, he has said he's changed his mind. He was an idiot, he made "a gesture" and it's backfired on him.
That I "should have known" it wouldn't happen, because he's never asked before, so why would I think it would now?

I said he will have to tell DD1 and the two friends we asked, because I am too mortified to speak to them about it, he said "they won't be that bothered, they know I've always been anti-marriage".

I have asked him why he even asked in the first place. He said, "I wanted to make you happy, and I meant it at the time".
And that I should at least appreciate the gesture that he did mean it.

So why let me go through this. I don't think I can see a way back from this. I just feel totally fucking ridiculous and humiliated.

But I'm angry too. How anyone could do this to someone they say they love. That doesn't feel like love to me.

Say something, say you like the date chosen. Let them dress shop. Take your child to choose their dress. Tell your friends. Then say, "actually no, I changed my mind...but you should appreciate the gesture"

I'm starting to think he just wants out of our relationship, and has planned this to make me end it so he doesn't have to.

Please someone tell me I'm not wrong for being so fucking hurt? And also, what would you do? Thank you

Is he on the spectrum?

Grabbing at straws here. Has he been cruel, or at least thoughtless, in the past?

Just adding my voice to everyone else who is saying he is an utter, utter cuntweasel. How dare he treat you like that.

Is he on the spectrum?

Don't start that shite please.

This happened to me. It was a total mindfuck and absolutely destroyed my self-esteem. When I left everything improved.

My heart goes out to you, I think this would destroy me.

You sound like a strong woman who knows you will be better off without him. Please kick him out. Remember, the truth will set you free - you do not have to cover up this mans behaviour.

i doubt your children will ever truly forgive him for this. One day, he will realise what he has thrown away - and you will be living a happy life without him.

I'm so sorry, OP. What a devastatingly cruel thing for someone to do. I wouldn't do this to my worst enemy, let alone someone I supposedly loved. Reminds me of a high school prank, where a cool guy asks a girl out, then reveals it was just a dare. Haha, lol, as if he would actually want to marry you??

Fucking prick.

If this was me, I would consider the relationship over as of now. HOWEVER, I wouldn't even bother telling him that.

Every time he said pathetic things like 'I guess I should leave' or 'I understand if you want me to leave' etc, my response EVERY TIME would be 'You do what you think is best.'

From this moment on, he would be dead to me. I would continue my life as though he did not exist.

He's an arse

I feel for you OP, I really do. This has happened to me recently too and you are right, it's over. My OH (together 8 years, 1 DD of 4) proposed last year on my 40th birthday knowing it's what I've always wanted and we always planned. 8 months later with the wedding booked, my dress bought and the world and his wife knowing and being happy for us he told me he doesn't believe in marriage. Absolutely hideous. He moved out last week at my instigation because I will never trust, love or respect again someone who can hurt me so much and be so cruel.

I don't know how you can ever get over this enough to stay with someone knowing they have the power and the blatant disregard for your feelings to humiliate you in this way. It's a nasty, nasty thing to do. Be strong, get some head space for a couple of days and then kick the bastard out!!

I think DoinItFine's is an evil genius.

Hang in there, OP. You'll be ok once this asshole is out of your life.

Jesus, what a disgustingly heartless thing to do!

I agree you are doing the right thing in going away for a few days today and having some space to clear your head.

If it were me I'd be telling get him to have gone with all of his shit by the time I got back, but I get that might not be what you want.

and and very unmumsnetty
hugs OP, I'm so very sorry he's done this to you x

Oh wow. This is unbelievably awful.
OP I'm so sorry for you, what an extremely twatty thing he's done

Cruel! How can you trust him again?

He doesn't deserve you. You are better than he is and should consider yourself well shot of him. What a dick.

You're right, there's no way back. Your relationship will never recover from this level of total disregard for you.

I'd tell him to leave now that he's suggested it, because it probably won't be long until he changes his mind and decides you should leave after all. Get locks changed once he's out.

And if you don't want to tell people the full story, it would be entirely accurate to say that you broke up because he is a liar who cannot be trusted.

Also just email the two friends yourself. 'As you know DH proposed recently and he asked me to make all the arrangements, which I have (dress buying, the marriage, witnesses and so on). Crushingly yesterday he announced that he has changed his mind. He's totally broken my trust and respect as you can imagine.

You would be breaking up because he lied and manipulated you

Tell him you don't love him anymore. But he should just be grateful that there was a time when you did love him.

This man is not your friend. The "if you want to leave I understand" sounds like he wants out. I'm sorry. LTB

How humiliating. He said he understands if you want to leave? Sounds like an invitation to me.

Is he the father of your child?

Sorry just read that he isn't but may as well be.

What a complete and utter twunt.

Ive never said LTB. But seriously, LTB. Horrible, horrible man- what a cruel thing to do.

I know it will be hard but I think you should tell the friends you chose to attend what's happened. At least that way he can't twist anything and then now what a complete arse he's been. I hope you've managed to get away for a couple of days