not feeling OLD?....dating thread 107

[PrizeyPrize]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP

Waving......are we talking Soho here? Be careful.....think about why it didn't work last time and are you ready to go through that IDWAR shit right now?

Ok Waving.....but I'm keeping my eye on you
Maybe try and get into the mindset of no expectations, just purely meeting as friends, if you get to that stage. And.....big one here, have lots of other irons and dates lined up.

Oh ok, that makes things a bit different if he initiated.

I'd just come out with it,
'be good to catch up sometime, lets try and sort something out'...then the ball is in his court

Sponge tampons?! That's a new one on me. Not sure I'd trust it...especially on white sheets!

Shower fun though...definitely in the cards.

www.stressnomore.co.uk/gynotex-tampons-dry-81132.html?gclid=CLe-m_213M4CFQfjGwodqBcLvA

They're brilliant. So much more absorbant than normal tampons and there's no give-away string to worry about.

Wave why not ask a few general questions about his new job. Then mention you remember your shared music interests? He's likely to 'bite' and ask you out?

New tampax...if only I wasn't in a public place I'd look!

Lilac thanks for responding. I honestly don't know how much is disinterest and how much is lack of organisation. Twice now he has still been stuck on the road way after the time we were supposed to spend together. He would have eventually turned up at 1am and 10pm. Both times I remembered I'm higher value and said no way! Other times courses have over run and and work commitments have caused problems. I just don't think he is able to factor in possibilities before they arise as most of us could. Or he is stringing me along.

waving I'm not lecturing. I'm certainly not in a position to! But please be careful lovely. I'm not so worried that he will give you the brush off but more that he will string you along. He always has the get out clause that you have always known he DWAR. The way he treated you last time (when you stayed over) is still one of the worst things I have read on the dating threads. Just protect that bruised heart x

Waving.....might a "we'll have to get together and compare lists, see if you've got anything I haven't " type message work. ?

I lie the simple approach so would go with something like prizeys:

"Would love to catch up again, have you a couple of hours free for a coffee at the weekend?" It's not ambiguous then and he has to answer or else look rude (which is an answer in itself)

But what did he do when you stayed over last time?

waving I'm sorry if I opened old wounds there. I just really think moving on from him was very much a move in the direction. But what do I know?
I wonder if maybe you are a little like m, in that my self esteem is ok but my self worth needs work? Mainly with me I was in a very long ea relationship from a young age. My childhood was also abusive to an extent so I am used to settling for too little. I don't actually know what a good relationship looks like from the inside so whilst I can spot every red flag going I don't recognise green ones if that makes sense?
I often take people on face value because I'm honest and straightforward myself. Then I am floored when it turns out that what they said wasn't totally genuine but designed to make me feel a certain way about them.
I also tend to go for men that like me. It seems rude not to . I am really trying to work on what it is that I want from relationships and setting my boundaries accordingly.
My plan is to find a boyfriend that deserves me to just be my boyfriend, no future planning, meeting dc or becoming too entrenched until I can actually trust myself to recognise a good partner.

Sorry turned into me me me.

rosetta that is a great post, thank you. You could have been describing me! Particularly taking people at face value and going for men that like me because it would be rude not to.

Hi
I'm boolovesulley ( posted on another devise and an old nm).

Mr straight lace was only that compared to Mr ive lied on my profile.

He isn't that straight laced but seems very honest and more reliable. Although who knows at this early stage.

Think I could see myself more with straight lace than I've lied on my profile.

Not sure what else he could have lied about and would he be good boyfriend material in the future.
Nothing sexual with straight lace but looking forward to a third date.

I'm keeping my options open as I came off old when the first guy I fell for asked me too. He had a body to die for but went cold on me.

rosetta, clawdeen and waving add me to the list. It's why I said that OLD is like therapy, I've learned so much! The ones that I have to work at are the ones that I want, when that is exactly what should turn me off if I know what's good for me. The harder it is the more my synapses fire and keep me wanting more...when I am beginning to realise that I am worth the ones that it comes easily with. So I'm concentrating on the ones where they tick boxes but don't necessarily make me feel that pull, because that pull is what makes them bad for me. I just need to rewire my brain to accept the good stuff and value that rather than the delicious but damaging neediness the others make me feel.

It's a bit of an epiphany to be honest.

Can I just say that I think one of the worst pieces of advice is to be impressed by the pursuer? For me a pursuing man is highly unattractive, infact it is an immediate red-flag for me. Over texting, (especially the 'good morning beautiful' texts - bleugh), over-flattery, general cheesyness, inflated promises, idolisation, and trying to impress you with grand nights out and expensive meals. For me a decent guy does not need to do all this for me to be attracted to him, I like to think I can see goodness in a person without all this stuff (which is probably a cover-up anyway). I think it sways our judgement of what the real person is like deep down. Thoughts? Or is this just me who thinks like this?

Sicknspan & prizeyprize- I agree.
In the past I've tended to get swept off my feet by someone who ticks all the physical attraction boxes only to find out they are a dick.
Tatty img a different tact now, although I j would love to meet someone who ticks every box both physically spiritually and mentally.

Yes Waving I had a feeling he was. That whole persona reeks of insincerity, yet we are encouraged by WMLB book et al to be impressed by someone who 'pursues' and chases with grand romantic gestures. If I like someone, they don't need to 'chase' me, I would want them for themselves, not all the fancy-pants 'pursuing' tactics, which quite frankly put me right off. Coming on too strong is a big red-flag for me, a slow burner is far more acceptable. Just something to bear in mind.

clawdeen and sickandspan I think learning and accepting things about ourselves is the best thing we can do.

prizey I agree with you.

There is a Monika Drake quote that stuck with me "The Buddhists say if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that's not the one. When you meet your "soul mate" you'll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation".

I think the persuers often illicit this response in us. It's a fight flight or response but we confuse the butterflies and tension as excitement in a good way. It can be so alluring and addictive and it's why I'm not a fan of WMLB and the ilk.

Sorry typing too fast, that should say fight or flight response.

waving I can't remember what my user name was then I am a habitual name changer. Stalky ex was always looking for ammunition.

I'm planning on sticking with this name for a while. I have the ex out of my life and my home now so he can do what he likes.