not feeling OLD?....dating thread 107

[PrizeyPrize]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP

How to change it? Probably years of psychotherapy! 😀

destiny thanks for helpful advice- have not deleted messages yet just incase. Hopefully the aggression was just a knee jerk reaction to having his ego dented rather than anything more sinister but I guess you never know. His messages on GSM were normal- just went weird when we switched to texting after first date- so not sure if they'd be interested but I guess it might be worth an email to them just incase another poor woman flags up a problem with him. Thanks for the links- the baggage reclaim site is so insightful. But more importantly, yay to Mrposh!! Hope things continue well on that front!

lilac thanks for your support. I think I did tell him the name of my firm but hopefully he doesn't remember. I also live by a prominent landmark which we'd talked about. He's unemployed so I had visions of him hanging around the landmark/ my station so that he would bump into me. I think the most likely scenario is that he's searching for a new woman/victim.

this oh gosh, that all sounds so sinister! Thank goodness you didn't meet him. Wow. A real reminder to keep our guard up when meeting new men. I've definitely let mine slip as up until now I've met normal, decent men.

timeforprosecco good luck with the call! Sounds promising, fingers crossed

outnumbrd are you ok?

waving do you think you'll go on a second date with him? I've been giving 'OK' dates second chances but now I'm wondering whether to bother. It's very time consuming!
I think I need to look at myself too and just go on dates with people I'm excited about although I think that would have meant zero dates so far!! Perhaps I should try a different site

So any London 40 somethings, what site do you recommend for tall, decent, gorgeous hunks!!

Claw- narrow escape, glad you're ok!

Emily - so true, am waaaay too polite on dates, not being an equal

Waving, yes boyndary setting. Think much of this awareness tho and acting on it, neednt ve years of psychotherapy though if good a great help.

Saw MrTall last night, well he is that. Either shy or not that bothered, no idea. He's attrative, super-bright, affluent, local but I dont know... Not exactly wooing me on date 2.

Mr Intense being less so, think am really keen, early days. Need to slow down. But God this is nice distraction from horrible ex.

Ahh took so long to post, I missed a whole load of posts!

emily that's a great post. So right about women being conditioned to be polite and not offend. I struggle incredibly with this; it's my default position even if I'm feeling uncomfortable in a situation, my 'need' to be polite/ not offend someone seems to override my own feelings.

waving - I agree, have spent several dates thinking that I just want to leave and go home and yet I've stayed longer so as not to offend/cause a scene. I'm going to have to work on that and perhaps rehearse a line in advance so I can just trot it out without agonising over it if I need a quick escape.

destiny your post at 9.19 could have been written about me!!

Yes to therapy, though I've had several years worth. . .

Sorting- what do you mean by wooing you?
Sometimes being respectful and not pushing boundaries is exactly what you need. I'd give it another date, unless you really font think he is right for you. I know it's a minefield.

Emily, maybe that's my problem - want chivalry w/o the control, maybe there's often an overlap? He didnt bring flowers, walk me home etc etc. some guys do. I don't know.

Wow this and claw you both got real charmers there. But well done both of you for recognising it and dodging a bullet. There are some women out there that must be settling for this kind of crap or they would have changed their behaviour by now surely...

Those that are too nice, we are definitely conditioned as little girls to be good and please people and it's such a hard habit to break. I think it's interesting that we all read the books and the articles and could pass an exam on spotting red flags. We all seem to be self aware enough to know that we have our own issues with the wrong kind of men for us. The problem seems to be applying the knowledge to our situation.
I often ask myself "what if it was a friend going on this date? What would I say to her?" And even when I know the answer isn't positive I still jump in head first because it's only me and the more suitable men just seem dull to me.
It's like any other habit, it can only be broken by consciously changing our behaviour but how do you do that if it means dating men that offer no excitement which is what we crave?

I have just ended things with Mr socially awkward because as lovely as he is it was becoming about moose burgers and nothing else. I am more gutted than I thought I would be but I think that is because the sex was amazing and celibacy doesn't appeal.
I wonder if I'm expecting too much to be honest. I want intimacy, a connection, lots of laughs, shared experiences and sex but not the future planning. No meeting kids or looking ahead to being permanent. I just want a boyfriend. Exclusive but just for now. Are all the decent men looking for happily ever after?

Rosetta that's sort of what I'm looking for(although I'm happy to have moose burgers only while I look for it ) and I think the best bet is someone quite a bit younger or older. Younger men will want to settle down at one point but realistically relationships don't last forever so you probably wouldn't be with them at that point anyway, and older men have been there done that so don't want to move in have kids etc.

claw so glad you didn't go and meet him, lucky escape

this yours also sounds like a bit of a knob, lucky escape there.

I've been for a coffee date this morning with MrQuiet, it was all just a bit meh, he was ok but spent lots of time telling me about getting drunk with his mates and asking very little about me.

I'm with you waving, my most recent ex was really bad for me, forever blowing hot and cold and then called things off when we were supposed to be moving to the next level and introducing him to the kids etc, but the connection and attraction from the start was instantaneous and I want that again!

I'm in no rush I'm just going to take my time and hold out until I meet someone, going to read destinys link now and watch some of the previously mentioned videos, have it 100% in my mind what I want from a relationship first.

kiki I think you are right. Mr SA is a good deal younger than me and I would have happily have settled for the moose burgers until one of us wanted something/someone else but it was a case of moose burgers being slotted in to his busy life so no time before or after to just relax together or anything. Whilst the sex was mind blowing, I felt a bit meh afterwards and that he could get what he wanted from me on a street corner. Not very flattering.

I have discovered that the friends part of a friends with benefits arrangement is pretty important to me. Damn!

Well have offer of stonking moise-burgers from Mr Dangerous. But am scared! Not the hot body i (didnt realise) i used to be - he's six pack and handsome - and can't take the potential hurt from him. He blows my mind as well as body and has just claimed this is unique. but he has many irons. Hmmm . MrTall just been messaging me loads, wow! And Mr Eligible? Giving me that melting feeling.. But what about ME in all this? Feel swept up in THEIR tides..

Wondering have any of you actually sat down and made a list of what you want from a man/relationship?

Think it may be helpful as I know for me I often do get swept up in what they want and forget about my needs!

Destiny, that is a good idea; writing up a list.

For me it's quite clear: with pending divorce from a Narcissist and being separated for over a year I'm just after fun, seduction and frivolity as I am in no way ready for a relationship. Having said that, I think I'm trying to protect myself by insisting on keeping everyone at arm's length. Definitely a protection mechanism.

There have been a few RL men indulging in seduction and flirting which has made me feel more confident this summer but no moose burgers have been served. My real flaw since spring has been my much younger car mechanic. Our mutual attraction has been exhilirating and very frustrating as neither of us is taking things up a notch. It got to the point in June and July when I got quite depressed about it. Being away from him over two months has made things a heck of a lot easier to bear but I have to return to the garage this week and am really nervous that one minute in his company will set the hormones in a flurry again.

Not yet. Think too soon. Also that no person provides all - my perfect combo would be mix of 3 irons but dont see that happening. No One's perfect. Do you do that?

Ha yes I think 3 men would be good. One for intellectual stimulation and companionship, one to do jobs around the house and one for mind blowing moose burgers...! 😀🌶😱😈

< lighthearted obvs >

Yes, I agree Destiny and Sorting! Each man I've met this summer has held different potential; two are hugely stimulating intellectually and good at flirting, another is very handy and helpful around the house and garden... and the last....

Oh god! Minor relapse yesterday! Back to reality today and a headache Claw Lucky escape! Scary!
Thanks for posting the website about alarm bells/danger signs, I'll have a read later.

Waving, honestly I wouldn't write him off after two days but perhaps keep him on the back burner in your head iyswim?

The idea of 3 men has made me laugh. Could definitely do with a handyman. All the ones I hire are married! Not sure if I can ask about their relationship status when getting quotes!

waving if mrholiday was just back yesterday, maybe give him a couple of days to get back into the swing of things? Hard to know though. I will try Tinder. Am not on Facebook though so am going to have to set that up- I have no desire for anyone to contact me on FB, can I set up a 'fake' account?

outnumbrd good to hear from you- glad it was a minor relapse!

rosetta really interesting what you wrote about MrSA and sorry you had to bin him. I totally agree with the friends part of a FWB being important. I had some RL dates earlier this year and I thought he was after a girlfriend and got reeled in very quickly. As soon as I was hooked he had a wobbly. We settled on being FWBs and it initially worked well- I think I was relieved to be having ( mind blowing) sex after many years! However after a couple of months, I was just getting booty calls. I just couldn't cope with that. Very hard to give up the sex though!

I think I just want a boyfriend for now- fun, dates, intimacy, exclusivity etc but no plans to introduce to kids etc. In theory I want to be selfish and for it just to be about me and not factor in my kids etc. However I don't know if that creates a false relationship bubble. Not been in this position before!

nomore sorry to hear you've had a meh date. So boring sitting listening to a guy drone on. Are you going to bother with a second date?

I think for sanitys sake its best to write him off for now waving. He will be in touch with an explanation if life took over and he has been too busy to reply.

Thanks claw yes I'm sad to say goodbye to the sex I must admit. After years of enforced celibacy it was a revelation blush. Your fwb situation sounds like it went the same way as mine. And we are definitely looking for the same kind of thing. I'm not sure how to find Mr happily-for-now. I don't want to string anyone along but I don't trust myself to make the right life decisions just yet.

I have a "fake" Facebook (I detest Facebook) profile for OLD. No friends or anything on there. Just purely use it for logging in to Tinder.

No idea what i want!

Fwb? Theoretically nice for now relationship but in reality can't help looking for longterm prospect, hence Mr Eligible- is that shortsighted? And dont eant to hurt anyone and now MrTall suddenly and unexpectedly professing feelings, MrDangerous fannying around (backburner i think for if am ever up to fwb)

rosetta haha- yes, I was on my own for 6 years- I don't think my FWB knew what had hit him! I also think the sudden presence of great sex in my life somewhat clouded my judgement! God knows where to find mr happily for now.

So with your fake Facebook, do you just set up a profile with a fake name? Have no idea how FB works!