What am I getting wrong?

[TheBriarAndTheRose]

I separated from my husband a few years ago. Since then I've had a couple of short relationships and been on a few dates through OD. I ended the relationships because the men weren't right for me. My marriage was a loveless and sexless sham and pretty much always had been.

I don't want to be single forever, but I'm not desperate to meet anyone either. I've been completely single for about the past year and a half. I've spent the last year working on myself and it's made a real difference to how I feel about myself. But no one is interested.

So...

I want to know what I'm doing wrong.

I have a musical hobby for which I rehearse weekly and perform regularly; I exercise regularly, but I'm certainly not obsessed; I dance and go to dances when I can; I like hiking, camping and youth hosteling; I'm vegetarian, but I have no problem with meat eaters; I use natural homemade skin care products and people often assume I'm younger than I am; I eat well and don't fuss about my food or talk about dieting and weight, I'm about a size 12-14, I could do with losing a stone, but I'm not too worried about it; I don't watch soaps or reality/celeb TV stuff; I'm educated and have a professional career; I like beer festivals; I'm not motivated by financial rewards or owning 'stuff'...

My friends tell me I'm kind, considerate, thoughtful, funny, easy to get along with and appear confident. And I don't take myself too seriously...

But no one is interested. I was talking to one of my friends the other week about something and he jokingly made a reference to me being chatted up. He seemed genuinely surprised when I said that not only had I not been 'chatted up' on that occasion, but that I never am. I haven't been asked out since 2013 and, prior to that, I was probably in my early 20s.

So what am I getting wrong?

TheBriar ooh yes beards on baldies
Where have all the alternative guys gone? Do they just not do OLD or do they just settle down and not get divorced?? Mind, when I look, all the guys I like seem to live in either Manchester or Leeds - 3 hours away

SkyRabbit Yes see where your coming from re that, it is shall we say resource demanding to say the least, money, time and emotive energy!!

Briar have a look at this thread from Dadsnet in April last year. There are even contributions from a certain DrSeth. . . . www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2365732-Where-do-single-men-hang-out
I hope you find some inspiration.

What stands out to me is when you say you don't think you're attractive to men and never really have been. That's were your problem lies, I think. I'd change that self-limiting belief if I were you. Im sure you are attractive to men, there's someone out there for everyone. Oh, and I know you mentioned you do make more eye contact now, you'll want to be keeping that up.

Lots of us are happy about our jobs, who we are as people, the hobbies we have. We'd just really, really like someone to share things with, having spent years and years on our own. And when you end up being pretty much the only person you know who is single and all your friends have paired up, then it's quite easy to perhaps "over worry" about why it seems to happen for everyone else and not us (that's not true, per se, but how it feels).

What's wrong with wanting that? It doesn't mean we're not happy with who we are.

Yes, yes, yes.

I've given up. I am in my mid-50s; have been single since my mid-30s. I've done the "getting out there" I am attractive, friendly, often quite funny. I"m also high-achieving successful & well-off. This is the opposite of catnip when one is a woman.

I can't do the FWB thing - still too old-fashioned. I get too involved. So - well, that's it for me. I regard it as a social problem, not mine, really. I'm over beating myself up about it it - in the words of Twisty* "I blame the patriarchy."

I have a great life - it would be nice to share it. And if I'm really getting deep & meaningful (although I try to avoid that because it just makes me cry), what I really miss is not the bring loved/cared for, but having permission to care for & love someone - to save up things to tell them, send them silly postcards, give them presents, enjoy being with them, sharing in-jokes. All that. I miss terribly.

• blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com/about-twisty/ Great website!

I used to be distressed about what was wrong with me - if I could work that out, or someone would just tell me, I could fix it. But my friends are all surprised I'm still single; they don't know why. But they're all loong-time married & have forgotten what it's like.

Clearly there is something wrong with me, and I'm one of those awful "single for a reason" women, but everyone's too nice or too polite to tell me I smell bad or something. However, I'm now in my 50s and I've got used to it. And I live with the completely contradictory knowledge that yes, there's something wrong with me, but a) it's probably timing and my generation of men who are either Peter Pan or married early; and b) I am a perfectly fine person.

Oh My Goodness...

I hadn't realised people had replied - busy weekend!

But I have a date! I think...

Well, I got chatting over the weekend to a man who has asked me out for coffee. We're meeting tomorrow. He seems very nice. Don't know if I fancy him, I wasn't really thinking about that. But I'm quite looking forward to it...

Keeping I will have a look at that Dadsnet thread...

Choc The thing is, I did have a period of time, just after I'd separated, when I'd lost a stone and I was feeling full of confidence and optimism, when I felt untouchable and attractive and I did start to notice that men were noticing me... and I did feel confident then that I might meet someone. But then I started to realise that the only men who were noticing me were married and looking for a bit on the side... and I had a few comments about men being surprised I was full of confidence when I wasn't really slim/fit (wasn't phrased quite as insensitively as that, but the gist was the same)... and slowly I realised that I was actually as I'd always suspected I'd been. And that was a real blow that it took some time to recover from.

I've been doing some 'personal development' work this year, and it's helping in terms of how I see myself.

Dancing my friend is mid 50s and she met someone last year after being single for 10 years following the end of a pretty unpleasant marriage. So I don't know, it happens, but yes, that's it, I think if someone could just tell me what it was I'm doing wrong: I need to lose 2 stone; or I'm too quirky; or I earn too much/not enough; or I'm just not pretty enough... whatever, I think that if I had an explanation for it I'd be able to handle it better. Either change things or come to terms with it.

Anyway, shall see what tomorrow brings...

Ooh good luck with the date! Come back and tell us all about it...😀

Anyone see the blair and rose;?.

Or has she been spirited away beyond them hills?.

the ones in the other direction of course:-)