What am I getting wrong?

[TheBriarAndTheRose]

I separated from my husband a few years ago. Since then I've had a couple of short relationships and been on a few dates through OD. I ended the relationships because the men weren't right for me. My marriage was a loveless and sexless sham and pretty much always had been.

I don't want to be single forever, but I'm not desperate to meet anyone either. I've been completely single for about the past year and a half. I've spent the last year working on myself and it's made a real difference to how I feel about myself. But no one is interested.

So...

I want to know what I'm doing wrong.

I have a musical hobby for which I rehearse weekly and perform regularly; I exercise regularly, but I'm certainly not obsessed; I dance and go to dances when I can; I like hiking, camping and youth hosteling; I'm vegetarian, but I have no problem with meat eaters; I use natural homemade skin care products and people often assume I'm younger than I am; I eat well and don't fuss about my food or talk about dieting and weight, I'm about a size 12-14, I could do with losing a stone, but I'm not too worried about it; I don't watch soaps or reality/celeb TV stuff; I'm educated and have a professional career; I like beer festivals; I'm not motivated by financial rewards or owning 'stuff'...

My friends tell me I'm kind, considerate, thoughtful, funny, easy to get along with and appear confident. And I don't take myself too seriously...

But no one is interested. I was talking to one of my friends the other week about something and he jokingly made a reference to me being chatted up. He seemed genuinely surprised when I said that not only had I not been 'chatted up' on that occasion, but that I never am. I haven't been asked out since 2013 and, prior to that, I was probably in my early 20s.

So what am I getting wrong?

Well first degree was in a 'Mickey Mouse' subject.

So I did law

DD & TBATR et al

I'm beginning to think WRT OLD that it isn't giving the results that it ought to or be capable of. I read and now hear that it seems to be a clearing house for those men who were once described as mummy's boys, could not have managed a relationship with a woman if they tried, and worse of all the throw outs that no other woman wants. Perhaps the barrel isn't that stocked with good catches. Perhaps as they say, all the good men are married or gay;?

As to impressive things perhaps that might be taken to be men who are "look at my new Porsche" or similar flashy things which wasn't the case. I'm privileged to know a woman who didn't have that good at start in life, never went to Uni but she did have an aptitude for music and to hear her playing the piano she is almost there with a young Martha Argerich;) Pity she's too shy for public performance. Sure across a mean you will find an intelligence correlation with those who have gone on to further education but really it shouldnt be a deal beaker.

Do you say that on those you have seen or met rather via OLD or as men that you might know of via relatives, work, someone else's husband and the like?..

"Examples of uneducated types in the West Mids";!.

sheesh!

You don't have a fair share there..

Justaboy I think you might have a point.

My feeling about people who do OLD is that it is very much like agency workers. There are some people who are doing it because it suits their lifestyle and needs. You know, people who are perfectly capable of sustaining a relationship/job, but whose life or current circumstances make it tricky to find one?

And then there are some people who are doing it because they are just incapable of finding/sustaining a relationship/job any other way. And still can't, but there are there doing it for year after year.

I really can't speak for the women on there, because I've never looked at or met them, but there are an awful lot of men who are clearly married (torso photos or faces obscured by phone in selfie etc) and others who clearly have ridiculous expectations (unkempt 50 something men, claiming to be 30 something citing that women must be 20 something, 5'10 and no more than 9 stone) or, as you say, just lots of men who are not good catches for various other reasons (often their attitude towards women).

Everyone is chatting with multiple 'someones', hoping that those 'someones' are going to reply, whilst those 'someones' are also themselves chatting with other people hoping that they are going to reply, ad infinitum...

OD encourages and allows bad manners. And there are lots of people essentially doing an online 'pick me dance' as they all try to be the best, the funniest, the cleverest, the wittiest, the slimmest, the prettiest, the richest, the most dynamic [delete as appropriate]... you get the picture.

I was on the Dating Threads many moons ago. OD is not filled with happily ever afters, it's filled with stories of vain hope, pain and heartbreak. Even when someone appeared to have found their happy ending, it rarely lasted.

So I completely agree that it isn't giving the results it should be capable of!

As for the other things, you suggested that some of the men might have done impressive things and then gave the example of a woman . I don't know how many men's profiles you've looked at, but signs of obvious wealth is how many men regard "impressive things". Those things don't impress me. There are some witty, intelligent men on there who have travelled and done humanitarian work overseas, but those are the exception rather than the rule and are inundated with interest! They can, literally, have their pick.

I already qualified that I don't make those sweeping judgements about people I meet in real life but, when doing online dating, you have to have some filters and search criteria as there are tens of thousands of people on there! I didn't filter by income; I didn't filter by hair colour or absence/presence; I didn't filter by height; I didn't filter by star sign... because none of those things are important to me. I did filter by education (as well as age and location), because that is the best indicator I have of what is important to me.

That's interesting. On PoF that's one of the first things I look at too. And yes I think it is a good filter.

No, not all the good men are married or gay, thank you very much

Maybe not, Seth, but the good ones are few and far between.

I'm having a particularly tough day today. I don't know why. I've been out with my daughter and had a lovely day but I'm sitting here now with tears in my eyes and a very heavy heart.

Suppose after spending the day surrounded by families, I'm just reminded of how alone I am.

I hate old but how else do you meet someone? I'm a single working mum. struggle to get babysitters. I don't have time/babysitters to do meetup groups/hobbies so being able to look online at home is a lot easier way to look for a potential date. but yeah it is soul destroying and would much prefer to meet someone in a real life situation.

Sorry Briar needed to stick up for us few good ones! I have several stories about awful women on OLD too but am quite prepared to accept that there will be more awful men than awful women - especially as on many sites the men outnumber the women anyway. At least you've had your daughter for company, much as it isn't the same. Most Sundays I never see or speak to anyone.

happy I'm not ready to resign myself to online dating again yet. I'm on a real downer today. I'm struggling to see anything about myself that would be attractive to anyone anyway! I just think that what I want isn't going to be there for me and that if I can't attract someone in real life, I've got no chance when they've only got a couple of photos and 150 words to go on!

Seth it's fine, you're right to stick up for the few good ones!! But it really was like finding a needle in a haystack. I found a couple of things that looked like needles, but I was mistaken. I never found a needle.

Yes, at least I did have her for company. The days are very long and lonely when she is with her dad. Sorry to hear that most of your Sundays are spent alone. It's shit really.

I just think that maybe I'm just punching above my weight. Perhaps that's the problem. But I don't see why I should lower my standards.

At the risk of sounding like a child, it's just not fair.

Wah, wah wah!!

I'm so sorry to read about your shitty Sunday evening, they were the worst part of the week for me. Hope you're feeling better this morning

Thanks. A little. Facts are the same, but I don't feel so down about them, I suppose!!

Sunday nights really are not the best lens for looking at this kind of thing. When my previous relationship ended any dark moments happened on a Sunday evening. I got better, I learned to take preemptive strikes and plan nice things, but never really solved the problem completely apart from exercising like mad on a Sunday with some long walks and tiring myself out.

Yes, you're right.

I had a really full day and tired myself out yesterday. I think that was part of it. I've also got a few unrelated worries at the moment that are just compounding everything, I think.

Everything's just feeling a bit 'big' at the moment. Oh well, it will pass...

It will pass, just give yourself some TLC in the meantime?

Thanks. I'm doing as much as I can. I think I'm just going through a bleurgh couple of days!

I think you have great perspective on this. It's one thing to feel down, it's another not to realise that you won't always feel down.

Ahhhhhhh OP I'm so glad someone else feels the same about OLD !! I'm finding it, after the initial rush, really quite depressing. I see the blokes I seem to be attracting and think 'Jesus, is this all I've got to look forward to??' And then, 'my god, and I in the same category as them??!!'

I'm slightly alternative as well, pretty left wing 'Go Corbyn!' and I'm finding the guys VERY 'mainstream' I sent one guy a Grauniad article I thought he might find interesting, and he replied with something about lentil knitting.

Arrrgggh. On the plus side, I'm finding Myself enjoying my own company much more and discovering what makes ME tick...

Oh, Sky I feel your pain!

I think that online dating probably is fine if you're very mainstream. But as soon as there is anything slightly 'off the beaten path' about you, you really struggle.

I had the exact same experience as you when I did it. I would see men who I felt I was compatible with: similar age, interests, outlooks etc... but they were evidently in high demand and so could have their pick. But the men who were messaging me were so poorly matched with me. It was depressing.

Yes, I'm enjoying my own company too, but all my single friends are no longer single and I'm finding myself increasingly relying on myself for company. And I know myself really well. I'd like to know someone else now!

TheBriar god it's awful isn't it? The guys I do actually meet are perfectly nice guys, but I just didn't fancy any of them. If it hadn't been for one guy at the beginning (who turned out to be pretty flaky) I would have assumed I'd just permanently lost my mojo.
On the plus side, I went on a Red Labour march, and it appears there are many activist cuties

Activist cuties you say...

StillDrSethHazlittMD I ask the hon member to note the "perhaps" qualifier in that statement a few posts ago;! However my teen and 20's daughters say that all the boys are seemingly hooked up, or gay or deranged so;!!

As to OLD choices someone somewhere did a breakdown of the number of people in the UK the number male and female the number of dating age taken IIRC from 20 to 50 the number who weren't posted abroad in the armed forces, ones in prison secure establishments, not married etc and it came out at a very low number so perhaps not that much of a surprise your seeing what your seeing:(

It shoud, we'd hope, be a very good way of matching people. but sadly seems not to be the case.

JOOI this POF site a few mention seems to me to be absolute pants why do people keep looking at it why not spend a few quid on one a bit more selective like say the Guardian one?.

Comments anyone?

JustaBoy I'm on POF and Tinder, but I've had a gander at most sites i think. Guardian Soulmates on my area seems to have a steady 30 guys on it - it doesn't seem to really change. If I saw people I wanted to chat to, I'd think about subscribing. Similarly Match and Encounters. I've considered eharmony and elite singles ( not because I think I'm elite, but it might just whittle out the whack jobs) but they're roughly £40-50 per MONTH. I'd have no money left to go on dates after that!

And TheBriar ohh definitely - they're probably all 10 years too young for me and married, but it's nice to look! Lots of good beards too - I do love a proper beard. Disappointingly lots of guys with shit tribal tattoos seem to have adopted the beard which I feel is misleading. It ought to signify academia, outcast, introvert, geek or a combination thereof.

Justaboy I was on Match and I also signed up to MuddyMatches. I had a look at Guardian Soulmates (but there was no one of any interest in my area) and Classic FM (every one was too old for me and very mainstream!)

Sky I'm disappointed now! I like a bit of a goatee beard. Not so keen on a full beard, but I like to know I'm kissing a man. Especially if they're bald. I like a beard on a bald man.

Sky another leftie here! I actually put on my dating profile please no UKIP pp as there's loads round here!