What am I getting wrong?

[TheBriarAndTheRose]

I separated from my husband a few years ago. Since then I've had a couple of short relationships and been on a few dates through OD. I ended the relationships because the men weren't right for me. My marriage was a loveless and sexless sham and pretty much always had been.

I don't want to be single forever, but I'm not desperate to meet anyone either. I've been completely single for about the past year and a half. I've spent the last year working on myself and it's made a real difference to how I feel about myself. But no one is interested.

So...

I want to know what I'm doing wrong.

I have a musical hobby for which I rehearse weekly and perform regularly; I exercise regularly, but I'm certainly not obsessed; I dance and go to dances when I can; I like hiking, camping and youth hosteling; I'm vegetarian, but I have no problem with meat eaters; I use natural homemade skin care products and people often assume I'm younger than I am; I eat well and don't fuss about my food or talk about dieting and weight, I'm about a size 12-14, I could do with losing a stone, but I'm not too worried about it; I don't watch soaps or reality/celeb TV stuff; I'm educated and have a professional career; I like beer festivals; I'm not motivated by financial rewards or owning 'stuff'...

My friends tell me I'm kind, considerate, thoughtful, funny, easy to get along with and appear confident. And I don't take myself too seriously...

But no one is interested. I was talking to one of my friends the other week about something and he jokingly made a reference to me being chatted up. He seemed genuinely surprised when I said that not only had I not been 'chatted up' on that occasion, but that I never am. I haven't been asked out since 2013 and, prior to that, I was probably in my early 20s.

So what am I getting wrong?

I was just thinking that perhaps he has some single friends (or even friends of friends) who might be nice!

No, I know a fair few of his friends anyway. I've asked him before and he doesn't know any who are single.

Thing is, I'm geared up for another Friday night in alone. And I'm quite looking forward to it, I've got the house to myself so can enjoy the peace and quiet. But, I don't know, it all just feels a bit sad, I suppose.

My friends are either with partners, on holiday or already have plans with their families. I don't even have a family (other than the children).

(Just feeling sorry for myself now!)

Briar Us singletons are allowed to feel sorry for ourselves sometimes, no matter what others might say. As long as it doesn't become a regular habit. I do find weekends harder than the week though

Yeah, me too.

I have things to do during the week and I do see my friends during the week at various hobbies/exercise classes.

But it's the weekends that are hardest when I know that they are with their partners. And sometimes one couple will ask another to join them... and the worst thing is, I don't necessarily get left out, but it's hard being the only single person in a group of couples!

I don't know DrSeth if it weren't for the distance, and the children and AF I'd ask if you were up for a beer this evening!

If I wasn't working until 8, I might have said yes. Mind you, I don't drink beer.... It'd have to be cider!

There yer go the Mumsnet dating academy. A potential male mate has to be approved by the mums-net posse;!

That'd sort the men from the boys, old ones even;)

But could only be mate in the friend sense, not the mating sense, Just!

(nothing to do with AF, you understand, Briar)

Of course..!

(you can tell I've done the 'bright and breezy' nonchalance before, can't you)

I know what you mean about spending weekends alone. When everyone else is in a couple/family it's hard! I was out last night, but home alone tonight😥

Glad I have MN for company!

Also I agree about wanting to meet someone with a degree. To me it's just about wanting to meet someone with a similar mindset, someone who I'd be compatible with which is what we all want really. Can't bear it when a guy boasts that he never reads books!

Completely agree, Destiny

Destinysdaughter Don't you think your setting your selection criteria to a shade narrow band?. I know quite a few who never went to uni but they have done some impressive things whereas others haven't, shall we say used their supposed talents.

Just because he doesn't read books ever considered he might be doing other impressive things?

Justaboy, I can't speak for Destiny, so I shall answer that from my perspective.

I am well aware that there are many intelligent people who haven't been to university. I am also aware that there are many graduates who don't appear to have any intellect.

In real life, I wouldn't make that distinction. It's not exactly in the opening 3 lines of any conversation when I would be able to gauge their quick-wittedness or their critical thinking or whatever quite quickly from speaking with them anyway. But online, it's a short cut to gauging their intelligence.

Most of the people I know are intelligent, intellectual, very quick witted and process things very quickly. When I did OD before, I didn't insist on men who were graduates, but those who weren't were definitely not as intelligent as those who were. Or at least weren't intelligent and didn't think in the way that I am attracted to. I know that there are different types of intelligence.

And as for reading books, yes, they might be doing other impressive things, but I like men who read. I'm not impressed by men who do 'impressive things'. And some men manage to do impressive things and not boast about not having read a book since they left school still read.

And as much as anything, it shows they value education. Which is very important to me. The absolute worst men I met doing OD were the ones who described their education level as "university of life". It translated as "I'm a complete twat" every time, without fail!

What she said!😁

I've also had partners who didn't and some definitely felt inadequate because I have 2!

I was with one guy once and he walked into my room and said in amazement, have you really read all these books?

No, they just look pretty!

Examples of uneducated types in the West Mids

1 Described travellers as 'gyppos'

2 Said he got married ' for something to do'

3 Said he was 'sophisticated' but when I said I liked Prosecco went and bought some disgusting Chardonnlini (sp?) stuff. Yuk

4 Said he'd only read 4 books his whole life

There are so many more...

There's an awful lot of luck in meeting the right partner. Sometimes the stars just don't align. I don't think focusing on doing things wrong or right is that helpful because it suggests that if you do X y and z true love will inevitably follow, which just isn't the case.

Is anyone else wondering if Briar and Seth should give it a whirl?

Destiny Hm, feeling slightly envious that you have two... I have one and my PG quals.

And yes, there were loads of examples. The biggest things for me though were the lack of critical thinking and having the piss taken out of me because I used 'big words' when, in fact, all I was doing was, as my son would say, "using the words that communicate what I want to say".

Terrified yeah, you're right. I do know that. It's not so much that I think that if I do X, Y or Z then love will inevitably follow, more that I don't want to be doing anything that is just putting men off me! I suppose what I'm coming to realise is that there will be things I'm doing that are putting some men off, but they are the men that I wouldn't be interested in anyway. I just don't know how I can attract the men I am interested in though!

Haha, Yvaine. Nice try!

Oh God don't feel envious, the second one was just a big proving thing and didn't do me any good at all! Had a v critical dad and I wanted a piece of paper to prove I wasn't the stupid one in the family...

You already had a degree and you had to prove to your dad you weren't the stupid one in your family?!! Tough family!