What am I getting wrong?

[TheBriarAndTheRose]

I separated from my husband a few years ago. Since then I've had a couple of short relationships and been on a few dates through OD. I ended the relationships because the men weren't right for me. My marriage was a loveless and sexless sham and pretty much always had been.

I don't want to be single forever, but I'm not desperate to meet anyone either. I've been completely single for about the past year and a half. I've spent the last year working on myself and it's made a real difference to how I feel about myself. But no one is interested.

So...

I want to know what I'm doing wrong.

I have a musical hobby for which I rehearse weekly and perform regularly; I exercise regularly, but I'm certainly not obsessed; I dance and go to dances when I can; I like hiking, camping and youth hosteling; I'm vegetarian, but I have no problem with meat eaters; I use natural homemade skin care products and people often assume I'm younger than I am; I eat well and don't fuss about my food or talk about dieting and weight, I'm about a size 12-14, I could do with losing a stone, but I'm not too worried about it; I don't watch soaps or reality/celeb TV stuff; I'm educated and have a professional career; I like beer festivals; I'm not motivated by financial rewards or owning 'stuff'...

My friends tell me I'm kind, considerate, thoughtful, funny, easy to get along with and appear confident. And I don't take myself too seriously...

But no one is interested. I was talking to one of my friends the other week about something and he jokingly made a reference to me being chatted up. He seemed genuinely surprised when I said that not only had I not been 'chatted up' on that occasion, but that I never am. I haven't been asked out since 2013 and, prior to that, I was probably in my early 20s.

So what am I getting wrong?

It really pisses me off this men my own age ( 51 ) wanting women 20 years younger than them. I have male friends I've known for a long time and they're doing that now. Makes me lose respect for them TBH.

The age thing is tricky. When I got together with my now ex, no one was surprised that she was almost 11 years older (I was 26) because I was always regarded as more mature than my peers and she didn't look it. It did become a problem later on because of outlook on life - as she got older, she wanted to stay in more, I wanted to still be out doing things.

Now I am 42, I certainly wouldn't date someone much older (maybe 2 or 3 years older) but I would date someone maybe as much as 7 or 8 years younger (not just because I look about their age) but because through my hobbies, I tend to spend a lot of time with people that much younger and seem to be very much on that same level in terms of activities and outlook. If that makes sense? I'm certainly not trying to recapture lost youth, though!

Re my age, I'm v lucky to look about 42, just due to no kids and good genes. My 2 sisters are the same.

Maybe I shd fess up and see what the reaction is?

But I've noticed men over 50 do it too!

And I also live a much younger life, enjoy music and dancing and festivals. Some pp my own age feel v old to me. Guess I've just never really grown up!

One more thought. This may make me a hypocrite but men my own age who haven't taken care of themselves, I don't find v physically attractive especially if they have a big belly!

We all like what we like, Destiny.

Another thing with the age. If, like the three of us, you look younger than you are by some years, some people think you're a fake profile using someone else's photos because you can't possibly be the age you are and look like that!

Hmm I hadn't thought of that! Best to keep lying then? I really do look like my photos, obvs they are the most flattering ones, why post bad ones?

On reflection, yes, lie but own up on date one if you could see yourself having second date! I think a woman could get away with it far more. I think if I did that, as a man, it would be seen as a huge red flag.

It really pisses me off this men my own age ( 51 ) wanting women 20 years younger than them.

I have a male friend, good looking, but certainly not 'young looking' who is a couple of months older than me. We are both single but I know for an absolute fact that he hasn't even considered and rejected me as a prospect because he doesn't 'see' women over 30. And is ideally looking for someone around 25.

It did become a problem later on because of outlook on life - as she got older, she wanted to stay in more, I wanted to still be out doing things.

I think this is the biggest problem, tbh. This is what my friend mentioned above doesn't realise. He'd be a lovely partner for a woman around 35+, but nothing about his lifestyle would appeal to a woman in her early 20s. We have had this conversation. It makes no difference.

Destiny I don't feel like I've grown up either. I still go dancing and to festivals. Whereas a lot of women my age feel very grown up and old and a little, well, dull. It's one of the reasons I don't go on the mums nights out at school. It bores me senseless.

Men over 50 DEFINITELY lie about their age. Either that, or there are an awful lot of late 30/early 40 something men who've led terribly hard lives!

It's either that, or they're honest about their age but have used an obviously out of date photo!

TheBriar since you're in the West Mids maybe we should meet up sometime and have a night out! 😀

That's not a bad idea!

Shall I PM you?

Ok if I'm being totally honest from your first post I thought you seemed a bit 'holier-than-thou" and I was very surprised when you said you were only 42. But if you're completely happy with the way you are then that's great!

My advice would be get back on the dating sites, stop wanting to 'just click' with some one and have some fun. There will be bad dates but they make hysterical memories and fun stories for all your mates. Go on dates with men you wouldn't dream of dating and treat it as just an evening/afternoon jaunt. Look at younger blokes, I OLDed for 3 years between the ages 38-41 and it was mostly younger guys that got in touch with me. HAVE SOME FUN!

I'm amazed at how terrible many people pics and profiles are on OLD.

It can work though. I still remember the instant stomach flip when I first saw my partner's pic. Don't lose faith!

Why should someone waste an evening or afternoon with someone they have no potential interest in? Isn't it potentially leading someone on (especially if the man always pays)

But the thing is the only way to tell if there's any actual chemistry is to meet in real life! And yes it is time consuming but if your opportunities for meeting someone eligible in RL, especially over 40, what else can you do?

Restless That's really interesting. Can I ask why you thought I sounded a bit 'holier than thou' and why you were surprised I was only 42?

I think I can guess, so I'll try to respond in advance.

I have a musical hobby for which I rehearse weekly and perform regularly my point being that I do get out and socialise, it brings me into contact with a lot of people - men and women - and I meet a lot of people through it. ; I exercise regularly, but I'm certainly not obsessed so I'm fit, but no gym bunny; I dance and go to dances when I can swing dancing - there's a 'young' and thriving scene - a lot of people who do it are in their 20s and 30s ; I like hiking, camping and youth hosteling I'm not a 'luxury' 5 star hotel sort of person ; I'm vegetarian, but I have no problem with meat eaters I don't eat meat but I don't have an issue with people cooking and eating meat around me, I'm not militant and I don't lecture ; I use natural homemade skin care products and people often assume I'm younger than I am I care about what I put into and onto my body. A lot of skincare stuff is about making women feel bad and selling them an impossible dream. And I take care of myself, I'm not a slob ; I eat well and don't fuss about my food or talk about dieting and weight, I'm about a size 12-14, I could do with losing a stone, but I'm not too worried about it think that bit speaks for itself ; I don't watch soaps or reality/celeb TV stuff a lot of people do, I don't. A lot of people also talk about these, I don't have a clue what they are going on about! And my friends are all the same ; I'm educated and have a professional career I am looking for similar ; I like beer festivals I just do. I like real ale. I don't drink white wine spritzers or cocktails (generally). A lot of men don't want a woman who drinks beer, and certainly not pints. A lot of men doing online dating specify that they do not want a woman who drinks beer or pints. So it's relevant. ; I'm not motivated by financial rewards or owning 'stuff'... my house is quite 'eclectic', it's not a show home. A lot of people, especially where I live, live in 'show homes'. The sort of man who has a very 'designed' home, probably won't be interested in me.

I was really just trying to give a picture of who I am really.

My friends are all very similar and none of us are 'old' and boring.

But the whole point of me saying it is that I think I am probably a bit of an acquired taste. And I always have been. So I suppose I just wanted to know if I am fundamentally unattractive or just a bit 'niche'.

Men on OD sites specify they don't want a woman who drinks beer/pints?! Seriously? Bloody hell, maybe that's where I've been going wrong all these years!

When I did OD before, I specifically dated men who were outside of my 'comfort zone'. Some of them were nice enough men, we just didn't 'click' and some of them were out and out weird!

There were a few things that I decided were 'non negotiables'. One of them is level of education. It's not that I don't think men who haven't been to university are unintelligent, it's more a combination of their 'thinking' and ability to think critically not being as deep as those who have, and a lot of them were quite negative about people who have been to university. It just seemed to create a divide I hadn't anticipated.

I did it when my exh and I had just separated so that I could rediscover myself, and learn/re-learn what I was looking for in a man. I know that now. I have no interest in, as DrSeth said, wasting my, or anyone else's, time, just for the sake of 'dating'. At the moment, for me, OD is off the cards. It just doesn't interest me; wading through profile after profile, trying to find someone who doesn't offend me... Every now and again, I look and 20 minutes reassures me that I'm not missing much!

I'm not interested at all in dating younger men. I really can't see the appeal.

I would say though,DrSeth that I never let the man pay. And I made a point of not seeing them again if they insisted. I always offered to go halves and if they insisted, I offered to get desert later or drinks. If they refused that too, then it was game over.

Destiny I know, it's crap isn't it? I really don't want to do OD. It's just so artificial!

Irene I've seen it more than a few times. I'll join you in a pint of Doom Bar. Although I do quite like an Ubu, if I'm honest.

Does your single male friend with some sexist, silly attitudes about dating women his own age have any single friends who are nicer than him?

He didn't the last time I asked him...

He's lovely really, just has some eye rollingly odd ideas about dating.

Some sexist ideas!

Oh yes, they are sexist. He's well aware of what we all think. But what can you do.