What am I getting wrong?

[TheBriarAndTheRose]

I separated from my husband a few years ago. Since then I've had a couple of short relationships and been on a few dates through OD. I ended the relationships because the men weren't right for me. My marriage was a loveless and sexless sham and pretty much always had been.

I don't want to be single forever, but I'm not desperate to meet anyone either. I've been completely single for about the past year and a half. I've spent the last year working on myself and it's made a real difference to how I feel about myself. But no one is interested.

So...

I want to know what I'm doing wrong.

I have a musical hobby for which I rehearse weekly and perform regularly; I exercise regularly, but I'm certainly not obsessed; I dance and go to dances when I can; I like hiking, camping and youth hosteling; I'm vegetarian, but I have no problem with meat eaters; I use natural homemade skin care products and people often assume I'm younger than I am; I eat well and don't fuss about my food or talk about dieting and weight, I'm about a size 12-14, I could do with losing a stone, but I'm not too worried about it; I don't watch soaps or reality/celeb TV stuff; I'm educated and have a professional career; I like beer festivals; I'm not motivated by financial rewards or owning 'stuff'...

My friends tell me I'm kind, considerate, thoughtful, funny, easy to get along with and appear confident. And I don't take myself too seriously...

But no one is interested. I was talking to one of my friends the other week about something and he jokingly made a reference to me being chatted up. He seemed genuinely surprised when I said that not only had I not been 'chatted up' on that occasion, but that I never am. I haven't been asked out since 2013 and, prior to that, I was probably in my early 20s.

So what am I getting wrong?

I'm like you, OP. I've done everything everyone suggests - joined things, tried new hobbies, every online dating site imaginable, asked all my friends if they know any single women... They don't. I have plenty of female friends and they all say they do not understand why I am still single after 6 years and haven't had a date in 5 but when I remind them I am a childfree man, so my dating pool is smaller to start with, they "get" it. But unquestionably, it isn't about doing things wrong. I have had a single female friend who is by everyone's verdict attractive, intelligent, funny, varied interests. She turns 40 next year and has been single almost ten years. She has just started seeing someone - first date in 5 years. Coming to the conclusion it is as much the area as the fact we're all in our early 40s. I'm even considering moving away to try somewhere else, as there's nothing else for me to try.

I think you are over worrying about this to be honest having read your further posts. For example take this:

I think what you have said about a 'hippy-ish' vibe is probably true. I've always wondered if I am more of an 'acquired taste' than anything, but I can't believe it's that much of an issue

Assuming this is true, then that is you and your personality. It is probably right that someone with a hippy-ish vibe will have a smaller pool of men potentially interested. But that is probably true of lots of things about lots of women - being very self confident and assertive/high achiever/seriously overweight/vegan/smoker etc etc.

It doesn't matter what it is but no one (yes not even Cindy Crawford) is attractive to ALL men.

If it's your personality then you only need one man who likes you and wants you and gets that to be happy. Only one. There isn't any point in doing this over-analysis because it doesn't sound like whatever it is is something you can change.

For example if you were clinically obese, that would be an obvious starting point and changeable. Equally if you dressed like a tramp and smelt. But that's not what you are dealing with.

Stop worrying. Stop looking for a man and 100% focus on making yourself happy. That's the best advice I think as that's when you tend to meet someone.

Destinysdaughter It's bloody depressing, that's what it is! I've had a couple of FWBs. I don't have any problem with it and I don't form emotional attachments just because I've had sex. In many ways, I find FWB arrangements better because of the lack of emotional stuff. But at the same time, I don't really want to do that anymore. I'd like a relationship.

But yes, I agree with you about men my age.

DrSeth It is rubbish, isn't it? Why is your dating pool smaller because you're childfree? Sorry, am I being a bit thick? Whereabouts in the country are you? I'm not even sure moving is the answer. If dating sites are anything to go by there are lots of single people looking everywhere all the time. I don't know what the answer is.

HowTo Thanks. I do have a tendancy to over-analyse... I am focusing on being happy in myself. I suppose I just wondered if there is anything i'm doing or if anyone had any suggestions as to what i'm getting wrong. But I guess that maybe I'm not doing anything wrong. Oh well.

Sigh. Why do people always come out with the cliche of "stop looking and you tend to meet someone when you're not looking"? No one ever says that about looking for a new job. Don't look for one, one will just turn up if you're happy. Or if you're looking for a new house; no one looks for one, they just turn up.

Lots of us are happy about our jobs, who we are as people, the hobbies we have. We'd just really, really like someone to share things with, having spent years and years on our own. And when you end up being pretty much the only person you know who is single and all your friends have paired up, then it's quite easy to perhaps "over worry" about why it seems to happen for everyone else and not us (that's not true, per se, but how it feels).

What's wrong with wanting that? It doesn't mean we're not happy with who we are.

Briar If you're a man who doesn't want children, and therefore doesn't want to be a stepparent either, the pool is far, far, far smaller than if you are happy to be a father or stepfather. I'm in the south midlands/top of the south west. Where we live there's about 300,000 people within a 6-mile area but the fact that I know many attractive women in their 30s and 40s who've been single 5-10 years does suggest the area is just rubbish for singletons.

DrSeth Exactly. It is hard because I do get included in all the group stuff but, at the end of the evening, when everyone goes back to their tent or their room or whatever, I'm there on my own and they're all going off with their partners. I am happy with lots of my life, but I would like someone to share it with. It's hard when we're told that humans are social creatures and no man is an island and all that, but as soon as you express a desire in being partnered up, people tell you that you should be happy on your own.

I am happy. But I don't want to be single forever. I do over analyse though, and it is true that I don't need lots of men to be interested, only one, in whom I am also interested.

Hm, I can see that that does narrow it for you a bit then. My children are 18 and 11. I'm not looking for a step dad for them, and a lot of women are in the same position as me, so don't automatically discount someone who has children, but I will admit that they have to be my priority and I'm not always available at the drop of a hat during term time, which you would find too, but I'm certainly not looking to play happy families with someone. I suppose if children are a dealbreaker for you, however...

Yeah that does sound tough in your area too!

I was single for over 6 years before I met someone that I would consider seeing more than once or twice I did all the usual OLD, have plenty of friends etc etc. Workplaces very small, but I don't think many older people meet at work these days anyway (do they?)

And even then, bf is someone who I used to know and the timing etc was just right. A slight difference in either mine or his really quite random plans that day would have meant I'd probably still be single now at 7 years.

I have a close friend who has a similar length of singledom too after divorce.

I think it really is a lot down to luck tbh OP. Many people meet partners OLD, and many people do not. Same goes for meeting someone through a hobby or interest/in the pub or whatever.

My best advice would be to take every opportunity, so never say no to an invite. The wider the pool of people you come into contact with, the more likely it is that you will meet someone.

Keep positive and enjoy the single times. A happy positive outlook is far more attractive to a possible boyfriend/partner than anything else imho.

Briar I think being a stepparent is probably easier if the two partners both already have children because they "get it". In a relationship where one is childfree and the other isn't, you can get an imbalance because the childfree person will always put their partner first but their partner will always put their children first (as they should). It can be very difficult and frustrating. And then, of course, with elder children grandchildren tend to come along! I have a goddaughter (which is why I come on MN) but that's as far as I can go.

StereophonicallyChallenged It just seemed so much easier when I was younger! And I wasn't someone lots of men were interested in even then, but it did happen. I am keeping positive and definitely enjoying the single times! I do try and say yes to things when I can. I suppose all I can keep on doing is what I'm already doing.

DrSeth Fair point.

I just wish I'd realised when I was younger how much more difficult it would be when I was older and made a better choice the first time round!

I always assumed that it would be like when I was 20 but with 40 something men who were in the same position as me; newly single after a marriage and looking to date a bit and rediscover themselves before meeting someone and having a relationship. I didn't realise that by 37 I'd be virtually invisible

Briar Bizarrely, I have to say that those of my female friends who already had children did find themselves dates and later partners without a huge amount of difficulty. It's those who didn't already have and were in their mid- to late-30s that seemed to get stuck. I suspect because a lot of men assumed that because of their age they'd be looking to have kids relatively sharpish. For what it is worth, I tend to disbelieve the stats that say a huge percentage of people find a partner through OLD. I know loads and loads of people that did it/do it. I only know of one marriage and two long-term relationships (ie living together or been a couple longer than a year) out of all those people. Many do fine on getting dates but never seem to go beyond a couple of months. I think there is too much sweetshop mentality - whereas pre-internet you'd persevere a bit more, you think "sod it, there's plenty others, I just go back on line"

Yes I agree with the no problem getting dates but never going beyond a couple of months.

I also had no idea just how bonkers some people are!

I kept my friends entertained with my dating anecdotes during the time I was doing OD though...

My exh did OD for about a week. He said that the number of women who were saying that they had one child who was the light of their life and they were looking to add to their family. He said it felt very much like they were just looking for a man to provide a second child for them. I suppose once you've got children my age, men will generally assume you're not interested in having any more. Which is true. So I suppose I've got that going in my favour then!

I agree totally with the sweetshop mentality. It's like browsing a catalogue. I don't know what women are like, but the number of 57 year old overweight bald men with shiny red faces who are looking for "A Sienna Miller lookalike" are many. Some people seem to think that it's like magic and if they ask for something, they'll get it!

I don't have huge expectations, I just want someone intelligent and kind with a mischievous twinkle in their eye who loves and fancies me. Ah well. One day...

"I don't know what women are like, but the number of 57 year old overweight bald men with shiny red faces who are looking for "A Sienna Miller lookalike" are many"

Oh God yes! 😱😱😱

I feel your pain op.
I started a thread on here about old.

However I'm feeling ok as I've been on a date with someone I was speaking to earlier.

He is not the type of man I would go for physically but he was great to talk to, very witty and interesting.

We one about the perils of dating and he gave me a male perspective and I gave him a female one.

We may not become involved with each other, who knows but we both agreed its definately worth a second date.

We began speaking to each other on line when I altered my profile( partly out of madness due to idiots on there).

Whereabouts are you, OP? I've got a nice brother!

I've had to alter my profile too, to try and actively put undesirables off!

Destinysdaughter I do occasionally browse on Match and POF. Tragically, there are many of the same faces that were there 3 years ago! There was a photo I looked at yesterday of a man who said he was 38. Honestly, if you'd asked me to guess his age, I'd have put him at early to mid 50s! Now either he'd had a very hard life...

emilybrontescorset Thank you! Really pleased you had a date that is worth a second date! I'd love to share some of my OD stories, but everyone in RL knows them so it would out me immediately! Some of them were corkers though. I think there are dodgy men and women doing OD; the sort of people who make you back away slowly It's a bonus if you want to see someone a second time, I found.

ImperialBlether West Mids... (hopeful...)

When I did OD, my profile was really good at putting obvious undesirables off.

One of the most common comments I had on first dates was that I was exactly what they were expecting from the profile and photos. Whilst I do have a few 'interesting' stories, in the majority of cases, there just wasn't a spark there and we weren't what the other was looking for.

Briar I find it fascinating that I have exactly the same experience from the man's side as you have from the woman's. I see an awful lot of the same faces on POF today as I saw 2, 3, 4 years ago - which either means most of us are too fussy or the success rate of OLD is, as I already expressed doubts about, far less than we're led to believe (and it's not in the interest of the paid sites for us to be successful, after all, or they don't exist - they're in it to make money).

Similarly on the age thing. I am fortunate in that I do look a good few years than I am. Most people guess my age around 35-37 usually. But honestly, I look considerably younger at 42 than probably 75% of the women aged 32-44. It would seem really odd to date someone of, say, 35, who looked older than I was!

Briar I find it fascinating that I have exactly the same experience from the man's side as you have from the woman's. I see an awful lot of the same faces on POF today as I saw 2, 3, 4 years ago - which either means most of us are too fussy or the success rate of OLD is, as I already expressed doubts about, far less than we're led to believe (and it's not in the interest of the paid sites for us to be successful, after all, or they don't exist - they're in it to make money).

Similarly on the age thing. I am fortunate in that I do look a good few years than I am. Most people guess my age around 35-37 usually. But honestly, I look considerably younger at 42 than probably 75% of the women aged 32-44. It would seem really odd to date someone of, say, 35, who looked older than I was!

DrSeth I suspect that you are probably right about the success rate of OD. It's a bit like slimming clubs and fruit machines. If they worked, people would do them once and never go back. As it is, people invest in them for years!

One of my male friends is 33 and he didn't know how old I was. He seemed genuinely surprised earlier this year to learn that I was nearly 10 years older than him. Most people assume I'm around 35ish too. But I think a lot of that is because I don't necessarily always dress like people expect a 42 year old woman to dress either. Certainly not round where I live anyway!

When my exh did OD, he was on the same site as me and he showed me a few of the photos of women in the 32-44 age bracket because that was around the age range he was also looking at. He didn't show me to take the piss, but because he was incredulous that these were the photos women were putting up to advertise themselves on a dating site and wondered if it was just as 'bad' with the men. And it was shocking. Women who had given no thought whatsoever to their angle or whether they'd washed their hair or not, whether their clothes were even clean and certainly did not look the age they claimed to be...

But I don't think that's you or me being 'fussy'. I think that's because OD is a really crappy way of meeting people!

I'm not 'fussy', but I am looking for quite specific things. A lot of men on OD say things like, "I'm a typical bloke, I like watching the footie on a Saturday with a pint down the pub"... I don't want a 'typical bloke'. I think if I did, then it might be easier. Well from my perspective anyway, those men don't seem to fancy me either!

I'm West Mids too!

Have to admit, I've knocked a few years off my age online. Mainly because I find some men will write you off over a certain age and I actually look younger than my age, is that bad? I do fess up pretty quickly when we actually meet tho and sometimes pp don't believe me to the extent that I've had to show my passport!

I think OLD works on the same reward system as gambling does ie ' intermittent rewards'. So mainly you lose but you win just enough times to still keep you interested in the hope that this time you'll hit the jackpot!

Destiny I think it depends how much you knock off your years. I know it is ageist but I wouldn't want a large age gap again after my last LTR as it definitely became an issue and while that is tarring everyone with a brush. I guess if you admit it very swiftly that's something - but I might then wonder what else you have told white lies about and if age was a dealbreaker for someone (for whatever reason), they may feel cheesed of they've wasted any time. Minefield!

Hm... I don't think I've ever had to show anyone my passport!

But I know that people are always surprised when I tell them how old my son is and there's that awkward moment when they're doing the maths and not sure whether they should ask if I was a teenage parent or not...

I wouldn't lie about my age because if someone is going to reject me because I'm the age I am, I don't want them anyway.

I wouldn't want a large age gap either. 10 years older would really be my absolute maximum, and even then, they'd have to be something pretty special because I'd ideally date someone no more than 5 years older.

I wouldn't really consider anyone more than a year or two (at the absolute most) younger. My experience has been that many men are reluctant to date women their own age, seeing them as "too old" or "older women" (certainly when you hit 40) and so I wouldn't trust the motivations of someone younger.

I'm aware that doesn't cast me in too good a light. But when you're consistently told that you're too old for men the same age and a couple of years older than you... Even though I get told I look younger. It's ridiculous. Some men want the moon on a stick!