Can we have a thread for those of us who are daughters with difficult mothers?

[PinkyofPie]

Been thinking about starting this thread for a while.

My mother is a difficult and sometimes toxic woman and we have a strained relationship.

I think IRL there's not enough people around like me, all my friends are best friends with their mums. My mum recently moved back to the area and all I get is "oh I bet you're so happy". Actually, no, her being closer is awful if I'm honest.

There's so much to my relationship with her, too much for an OP.

A huge bone of contention is that she knows about a family member sexually harassing me quite badly through my teens (I've posted details in another name). I'm talking flashing, suggestive language and grabbing me now and again when no one was looking. I have told her the details. This person is still very much in her life, she bigs him up to anyone who listens and can't understand why I despise him and won't be near him. She minimised his behaviour massively and We Don't Talk About It.

She also made comments along the lines of "well did you lead him on?" yes mum, I was 16 and he was 55, I was gagging for it with a relative.

being in her presence is very tiring. She has no friends so I feel pressured to see her now she's back near me. I met her today, and I am drained. I always feel like I've done something wrong, she's in a constant mood. Everything is crap, she hates any food we eat, complains about people nearby and won't look for the good in anything. Where she lived before was so much better apparently. Spending just a few hours round that negativity is exhausting.

The funny thing is she makes out to others like we extremely close. A daughter of her friend - who I had just met that night - once said to me "I'm so jealous about the bond you and your mum have"

Anyway I know MN has lots of people who feel the same so thought I would start by having a place for us long suffering daughters to share, moan, vent and generally get everything out into the open!

I'm in too. In fact I've been contemplating starting a 'meet up' group for survivors of damaging mothers. I'm in brighton. Do you think it will take off? Would be so healing to meet others in this situation as all my friends seem to have wonderful mothers!!

Feel so guilty typing this. She had such a shitty life that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but once dad died she became so overprotective which brought on so many problems I'm still trying to unravel. Separation anxiety to the point where I wasn't able to finally leave home until a ridiculous age. Marked me as weak and an easy target at school. But because she was so outgoing and people oriented she pushed me into socialising with kids who hated me and picked on me. Often told me I needed to develop a personality. Perhaps was "cruel to be kind" with words sometimes.

Left me with anger and resentment issues as I got older and some ugly rows ensued - we're both stubborn as hell and locked horns a lot. Lots of guilt tripping and making me feel embarrassed for trying to be my own person. Still manages to make me feel like a silly little girl at times by bringing up embarrassing things from when I was young.

I do love her - she's been a good ally for the most part - and feel so bad for the constant bad luck and events that have (and still do) plague her but I love her more now that I live miles away.

I'm in too. I have decided to stop contact until my mother gives back the money she stole from me.

She never gave me anything. It's only take, take, take with her. She divorced my dad when I was three and told me that my dad didn't love me and that he abandoned me. Imagine how that worked on my self esteem! She told me many times in my childhood that my dad once said: "Margo is a "thing" that will not determine my life".

But when I was about 10 years old, and she was really struggling on her own and needed money and support to keep me, oh, the story changed. She properly encouraged me to contact my dad again! So she plagued me with all these awful things about him, but when it was convenient for her, I had to fulfill the role of the daughter again. From the age of 12, my father supported me financially without any input from her. In fact, her and her whole family lived on what my father sent.

My dad didn't turn out to be a great person either(that's a whole different thread), but my stepmother has been a positive and supportive influence overall.

My mother has lived for more than 20 years now rent free and mortgage free in the flat that my dad bought for me when I was a student. She says that she deserves that flat for all the abuse she put up with from him over the two years or so that she was married to him.

I am from another country and immigrated to the UK right after my studies. Then I began to mother myself and take care of myself, as it was obvious I never got any proper parenting from my parents. Thank God I'm an ocean away from her and that this country has taught me what independence and respect is.

I gave my mum a power of attorney to sell a car that belonged to my dad but was in my name. She sold it twice and bought other cars with that money and to this day hasn't made an attempt to give the money back. I only found out she sold it through an uncle by mistake, as she wasn't planning to tell me. As I'm far away, she thinks she can do anything she wants without being accountable. Not only she steals but also she lies with no shame.

I forgave my mum for so much over the years and always tried to love her, in spite the fact that she's very hard to love. She's self centered and narcissistic. I was so undermothered, so undernourished as a child, both emotionally and physically (I was never hungry and never liked the food in my house).

She used to imply that I was an ugly child and that she was the good looking one. To this day, she can rant forever about how "well preserved" she is for her age. She's vain, and proud.

That relationship shaped so much of my life, and when I realise how crap it was, I understand why I have so much trouble in setting boundaries and feeling strong and happy in relationships.

It's funny. People love the summer and the sun here in the UK, but very sunny days remind me so much of my country of origin and all the emotional abuse that I got as a child, that I prefer the autumn. I love sunny days, but not summer days as they take me back psychologically to a bad place. She never created a home for me.

These posts are so sad. I think what I miss most is the chance just to relax and be myself with my mother - and my father too. Neither of them seem to like me the way I am and would far rather I was an entirely different sort of person. There will never be any easiness between us. They've missed out on their grandchildren too as they also sense they are constantly judged.

Someone recently said to me "you only have one mum"
My reply was "she only has one daughter"

Spent years covering, ignoring or making excuses for her hurtful behaviour but no more and it feels liberating 😀

I read this whole thread and just nodded away thinking so many things were familiar. I didn't want to write as its so embarrassing that my own Mother thinks so little of me, people generally don't believe it, do they? But I've been sitting all morning in a bad mood, lump in throat and feeling sick....so hopefully this helps.
My mum left my dad in the middle of the night with DB and I whilst he was away, he was abusive to mum and DB. She told me ages before we left and I had to keep it secret from everyone as a 5 year old.
When he got custody at weekends she would scream and hit me saying I wanted to go to him and I loved him more, I sat in DRs office whilst she went in to detail of abuse, depression and suicide attempts. I was told lies to tell and taken to solicitors appointments to say that my dad did various crimes including sexually abusing me.
She would leave for days and phone my Gran to tell her that she had done so. My Gran lived 2 hours away so my DB and I would just muddle along until someone arrived to feed us or take us to school.
She was violent, told me I was a mistake, that she didn't like me.... She'd tell me about animal abuse and violence against her. She would show me her stash of pills she was going to take to kill herself if I was naughty.
My SD was violent against me and I was always 'provoking' him, she would rip my tops up as she said I was a slut/whore and would want to yo see my bra to ensure I was covering myself with a bra, vest, t shirt vest and jumper.
She drains me, she said she never made me homeless as 15 it's that she thought I wanted to move out? She wasn't bad, she had worse, she didn't lie, she was protecting me.....I'm so exhausted and she is visiting for a week in December, I just want to hide.
Feel a bit better now actually....

A big universal hug to all those who have been undermothered or not mothered at all.

It's a tough journey to awareness but it's a necessary one. We are all listening here and we understand because no matter where we come from, the experience of neglect and abuse feels the same for all.

I was reading about narcissist mothers and how to deal with the pain they inflict and the hole they create in our souls, and one piece of advice that helped me was that the key is not to let the feelings of rage overwhelm us and to continue living our lives and enjoying our lives in spite of those feelings. With time, those feelings stay in the background. We are still aware of them, but they don't stop us from living a fulfilled life.

Those experiences are also a golden lesson on what not to do to your own children and become aware of the important role of parenting in children's lives, as many previous posters have pointed out.

I'm not going to mums today
Or
Tomorrow
Dh is away and I'm putting me and my DC first for a change
Yes I feel guilty BUT I have 2 siblings and they don't

Can everyone stop feeling guilty and stop adjusting to others, please!
Let them adjust to your way of communication. If they unable to then it's a case of :if I ever cut you off chances are you handed me the scissors!

Easier said than done, princess 😞

Well let's try! Why don't we turn this thread into not just talking about our experience but about making positive changes for each of us.
Start making small steps and let us all know.
I, for example, was going to call my mother today (we went on holiday for 2 weeks and I spoke to her just before we went, she wanted me to call her after coming back home and give her detailed account). We got back on Tuesday and today is Saturday, still didn't call her. Just cba!

If she wants to talk to me, she'll have to call herself.

I think there's a place here for both of those things, princess. Some people may be just beginning to work out that their relatioship with their mother is strained. I think it's fine for them to talk about that. If you would like a slightly different thread you could start another one.

Thanks for being pushed out of this one .
Made me feel great!

Goodness me, nobody is pushing you out! Just saying some people aren't where you are yet, they want to talk about how it makes them feel, maybe they just want to talk without feeling they should be doing something about it right now.
We can do both those things or you can start a slightly different thread about positive ways of dealing with a difficult mother.
But not everyone wants to feel positive right now, they might just want to talk about it, Maybe for the first time in their life. And that's ok too.

Princess;
I have lived through the worst 3 years of my life since my father died...I won't bore you with the countless other bereavements, emergency surgeries and ill health...
I don't feel very positive
And you berating me for that won't actually help

Morning all, I'll take Margo's hug with thanks and offer one back to all. Mumsnet is a godsend for both awareness and doing something about it. Have spent months of my life for many years trying to support widowed, self-centered DM. Taking it down a couple of notches soon, now that I finally feel more pity and acceptance than guilt. Koko everyone!

Yes I certainly feel pity for her
But it's tempered with utter frustration and anger too
She wants a new kitchen
I am having NOTHING to do with it
My sister can deal with that one

Yes I certainly feel pity for her
But it's tempered with utter frustration and anger too
She wants a new kitchen
I am having NOTHING to do with it
My sister can deal with that one

This thread has been and continues to be amazing and inspiring (and sad) but I think the overwhelming sense of relief to finally say 'I don't like my M' is a major turning point for me.
I have started the ball rolling last week for more counselling (at last). I need it and I finally believe I am worth it.
Didn't answer her phone calls, didn't call back until it suited me and also didn't stay on phone for more than a few minutes. I've absolutely no interest in polluting my mind with her vitriol. I am learning slowly not to keep thinking of whether or not she would approve of things I am doing, and it's liberating beyond belief whereby I am actually, for the first time in my life learning (slowly) to digest daily life for myself.
This is all new to me, but to stop living with the fear of never being good enough is amazing, I don't give a feck now. Am interested to see if she goes uber nasty soon.

Badders, I had the kitchen thing too. Years... No sibling to deal. I finally solved it by buying a second hand kitchen for her. During the installation she drove everyone mad by changing the planned layout to suit her. I took myself off, gave the handymen a huge tip. Job done.

It does feel liberating doesn't it?
I got a guy to service her boiler last year
Apparently he "broke it"
She decided she needed a new one so I told her my sister could organise it as the person I recommended wasn't any good
She is 70, not 90, she doesn't have dementia so she should be able to sort this stuff herself
But dad always did it
Then I took over
But im done
I shall give my opinion on layout etc if asked which she will completely ignore
But my sister can deal with the hassle

Kitchen talk has reminded me of a dear friend whose toxic mother died.

She said she had never really acknowledged the dreadful negative impact her mother had on her life, until a few weeks after the funeral, she was choosing what colour to paint her revamped kitchen, and she realised that she could just choose whatever colour she liked, without having to think about what nasty shitty comments her mother would make about her choice.

She said it was liberating not to have that hanging over her any more, but she still felt guilty about her thoughts and feelings.

I am NC with my M and it is definitely the best decision I ever made, I wish I had done it years earlier, my life would have been so different.

I'm sorry OP, I haven't read the whole thread but I too have a toxic mother. My father is also toxic but I think he's autistic and he never wanted children - he always said so. I've always felt he hates me....whole other story.

I could tell you 100 stories about the things she's done to me which I just can't get my head around. I have AS myself so I suppose she finds my 'otherness' frustrating. But basically she had a shit childhood and she uses me as a dumping ground for the fact that she had a narc mother, and lots of siblings she doesn't like - none of them speak to each other.

Like you, I felt she didn't protect me when I needed it, although I was an adult at the time. I was mentally unwell after my husband and I broke up because of the huge stress of having a disabled child myself and having to go to tribunal and losing my husband. My two daughters and I had to move into my parents house. They were 5 and 3 at the time. Out of the blue, this 'friend' of my parents turned up at their house while they were out and started bullying me and telling me I was a mess and my parents were unhappy and it was all my fault and I needed to get out of their house. All this was in front of my children. At the time I was on the verge of a hospital admission and was under the care of the home treatment team.

When my parents came home and found me crying my mum was not happy that she had said these things to me but she never addressed it with her and brushed it under the carpet and now still refers it to 'water under the bridge' not as far as I'm concerned! Whenever this woman is around at any family thing I have to tolerate being around her, knowing amd feeling she hates me for some reason. Yet she apparently wants to spend time with my kids because they're so lovely (so I can't be that much if an ogre can I?) and because her own grandchildren don't like her (I wonder why??!!) I'm not going to have anything else to do with her I've decided.

Anyway, I'm so sorry what happened to you. But you're not alone

Badders
How the hell I'm berating you?
I'm trying to help but obviously some people don't want help, they are fine where they are because change is so scary. Well without change you will be in same situation 10 years from now!

Hi princess, have you called yours yet with the holiday twenty questions? Don't know if it helps but I stopped calling mine a few years ago and now she never calls me except when she needs "urgent" help, never asks after me. Like Badders says: Liberating (but sad too). Koko.