Can we have a thread for those of us who are daughters with difficult mothers?

[PinkyofPie]

Been thinking about starting this thread for a while.

My mother is a difficult and sometimes toxic woman and we have a strained relationship.

I think IRL there's not enough people around like me, all my friends are best friends with their mums. My mum recently moved back to the area and all I get is "oh I bet you're so happy". Actually, no, her being closer is awful if I'm honest.

There's so much to my relationship with her, too much for an OP.

A huge bone of contention is that she knows about a family member sexually harassing me quite badly through my teens (I've posted details in another name). I'm talking flashing, suggestive language and grabbing me now and again when no one was looking. I have told her the details. This person is still very much in her life, she bigs him up to anyone who listens and can't understand why I despise him and won't be near him. She minimised his behaviour massively and We Don't Talk About It.

She also made comments along the lines of "well did you lead him on?" yes mum, I was 16 and he was 55, I was gagging for it with a relative.

being in her presence is very tiring. She has no friends so I feel pressured to see her now she's back near me. I met her today, and I am drained. I always feel like I've done something wrong, she's in a constant mood. Everything is crap, she hates any food we eat, complains about people nearby and won't look for the good in anything. Where she lived before was so much better apparently. Spending just a few hours round that negativity is exhausting.

The funny thing is she makes out to others like we extremely close. A daughter of her friend - who I had just met that night - once said to me "I'm so jealous about the bond you and your mum have"

Anyway I know MN has lots of people who feel the same so thought I would start by having a place for us long suffering daughters to share, moan, vent and generally get everything out into the open!

I'm the same, I lose it completely if I think someone has touched/looked through my stuff.
When i was about 14, my mother gave me a five year diary for Christmas. It was only years later that I realised that all my friends who had them had two keys... She is obsessive about her own privacy, but has no respect whatsoever for mine. the worst thing is that every tiny thing she finds out is immediately told to anyone who will listen.

Been lurking on this thread and stately homes for a while now, but first post about my M.

Had similar to others on here, never got any praise or shown any love. M has never said 'I love you'. Growing up, I was the golden child with my older siblings taking most of the abuse. They were hit and screamed at regularly. I later found out that my parents even used to tie them to their beds at night to stop them getting up.

I think I was about 9 or 10 when I started to realise that our home life wasn't the same as my friends. I was a bit of an over achiever at that time thinking that my M must be proud of me because I didn't get the same treatment as my older siblings. I remember winning an end of year award at school for something along with my best friend. Her DMs reaction was totally different from mine, she was crying with pride and said that they were going out for dinner to celebrate. I asked my M if we could do something and she just said that my award wasn't as good as my friend's so no. After that I just sort of gave up trying to be the child she wanted and the 'Golden Child' status transferred to my younger DB. TBH it was a bit of a relief not having to live up to forever changing, unrealistic expectations but it did mean my teenage years were full of EA.

She has absolutely no boundaries, would walk into my bedroom whenever she felt like it, used to pull my skirt up in front of people to 'make sure I was wearing underwear' and when I got older she would just turn up at my work and expect to be treated like royalty. She even tried to get me to add her on to my bank account!
Anyway, sorry this is a bit all over the place and I could probably go on for pages but I will stop now.

for all those on here and those reading but not posted. I think once you can admit that it might not be all you and the issue lies with the person responsible for your upbringing that you can start to heal. I've had counselling on quite a few occasions over the years and still have setbacks. I'm hoping one day I can live without having to consciously trying to silence her voice in my head.

What's the stately homes thread?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2562518-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

For anyone who might be interested, Sally Brampton, the late, great agony aunt at the Sunday Times, recommended the book Difficult Mothers by Terri Apter a couple of years ago. It's not an easy read - parts of it left me in tears, but it's a really good way of understanding some of the issues behind the behaviour of some mothers (mine included I'm afraid) and it offers strategies for managing and coping with the ongoing situation. I can really recommend it.

SleepyHay the school thing reminds me of my 11 plus. I sat it a year early and asked (because my friends had been talking about this) if I'd get anything for doing well. My parents told me that they wouldn't hit me. They weren't joking. My sister failed miserably and not a word was said. They seemed pleased that she'd written her name on the paper correctly! we sat the same exam at the same time.
Years later, I got 98% in a school exam. My mother was furious and lectured me about it not being good enough. It was a Latin exam and nobody else got more than 65%.

Thank you.

Petty and Facebook related. However:

It's my sister's birthday today. She is my mother's golden child. My sister can do absolutely no wrong and my mother lives vicariously through her. Because my sister is beautiful and I'm not.

I'm not going to slam my sister. She's not perfect, but she is a good person. But if you ask my mother, my sister brings the sun every morning. Anything my sister does is "amazing." Anything I do is "very good."

My mother posts pictures of me as a baby on my birthday and says "My first baby. Happy Birthday."

My sister's birthday, a glamour shot of my sister, a picture of them together when she was a baby, and a list of my sister's best qualities and recent achievements. Happy Birthday, I love you to the moon and back.

Something else I forgot: my sister is single and doesn't have children. On Mother's Day my mother posted a "Happy Mother's Day" picture of my sister and her dog, thanking my sister for being such a good "fur mummy" to her dog.

I have a child.

I'm upstairs weeping right now.

I know it's petty in comparison to others on this thread, but I know if I say anything, they'll say I'm crazy. I have no one else to tell.

noncommital it is exactly the kind of that's impossible to explain to someone who doesn't understand. Maybe she had more time today than on your birthday or maybe your sister was down on Mother's Day. Or it's part of a system designed to make you feel crap and separate you from your sister.

The little things add up. Cry it all out and don't feel silly about it.

I'm upstairs weeping right now

It's not you. You sound lovely. It's her disordered behaviour.

Thank you both.

I'm in the depths of depression and anxiety these days, without my mother factoring into it. I've decided to stay off social media for awhile as my sister's birthday lasts all weekend usually and it's constant lovey messages and pictures and everyone telling my sister how amazing she is.

My own mother won't call me back.

I'm having one of those "no one would care if I disappeared".moments. Only I can't disappear, sadly.

There's light at the end of the tunnel, you might be overlooked by mum but you have your own family. Ignore social media altogether and be with your children. Have a cup of tea and a biscuit. Chat to a neighbour. Basically bugger her. It's her loss. Your child(ren) will know unconditional love. And no one really cares about those bloody Facebook posts. Chin up.

Does anyone find that when you actually stop caring about certain people, stop searching for their love, your life actually becomes much happier?
In other words ,when you give zero f*s happiness comes to you? You have peace and good things and good people come into your life?

I'm not on FB
For many of the reasons on this thread
FB isn't real life. It really isn't.
It's odd...My mum favours my brother so much yet its me she is asking wrt her pensions and crap...yet another letter for me to look at today.
Guess what though?
This week I have said no twice!!
First to the vicar who wanted me to help with a holiday club again
And then mum...I stayed at home on Monday
Doesn't sound much, does it? But it's a step forward for me.
And my reason?
I simply didn't want to

noncommital please do t tho knits not a problem, everything is relative and if it has you in tears your feelings are perfectly valid. Definitely stay off social media, as a pp said its not real life, for many it's a projection of how they want their lives to be. You sound lovely and I think it's your mum's loss

Go Bladders! That feels good, doesn't it?

You're right re: social media. It's not very social, in practice, is it? You don't get to know people at all. It's all just pictures of people you already know or a filtered version of a slideshow of vacation photos.

It doesn't help that my DD has had quite a few tantrums today and it's driving me up the wall. Perfect storm, really.

Thanks again for listening.

princess, I think you might be right.

Thank you again, all. God this thread has been so helpful for me

It does!
I think FB can be classed as "all fur coat and no knickers"!

Can I join? Not had chance to RTFT but I'm getting there.

I am in contact with my mother for the sake of having a relationship with my DC but I don't like the woman. She is nothing I aspire to be and I don't understand her mentality of there is always someone else to blame for her mistakes. I have come to the conclusion I don't love her or even like her. I tolerate her. My DH despises her.

I am the result of a fling with a married man, he choose to remain with his wife and family. My mother resents me because of it.

I believe my mother had a strained relationship with her own mother and I thought perhaps she would like to build a strong bond with myself over the years but she favours one of my siblings so blatantly. I've given up trying, I don't want her in my life but I have to for show because according to her Facebook we have an amazing relationship. She's forever posting about special mother daughter relationships but won't actually utter the word in real life.

For a while I longed for a daughter so I could have that special mother daughter relationship but it's just not destined to happened and I'm thankful for my boys.

That's a bit of a ramble but I will start reading everyone else posts- it's great therapy!

Oh and the untidy/dirty house rings true even though she never worked a day in her life. She has had a few "psychotic episodes" if things don't go her way too

I don't want her in my life but I have to for show

you don't, you know. You don't have to protect her social-desperation, when there's hollowness and neglect at the heart of your relationship. I wonder if she's claiming how close you are -because- she knows she really resents you, and Good Mothers don't do that. She can't bear that others might not think her a Good Mother, can she?

How real is her relationship with yoru children?

When it gets to the age that they can state their own preferences, don't force them to go. It's a route to a milder version of your heartache.

Thanks sea we are all in our 30's now.

Her relationships with most people wouldn't be out of place in Eastenders. Everything is a drama and I can't deal with it. Things are calm at the moment because I gave her an ultimatum 2 years ago that if there is another episode I will be going NC.

I have 2 siblings, one shares my father (you couldn't make this shit up) but he reminds my mother of my biological father so she tries to keep him sweet but he to sees right through her. He's been NC with her previously.

My other sibling is the golden child, a chip off the old block who also enjoys the drama. She created sibling rivalry between us and now I am basically NC with them but that's mainly because they are a waste of space who has never worked a day in their life.

I think that I will be the one expected to care for her in her old age but recent events have made up my mind that I won't

Does anyone find that when you actually stop caring about certain people, stop searching for their love, your life actually becomes much happier?

Yes! The moment I realised I could stop caring what my DM thought of me was one of the best moments in our relationship. I realised she would NEVER approve of me and suddenly it didn't matter anymore. She lost her power over me. It was wonderful!

I do still care about her in some ways (her health etc...), just not about her opinions. I no longer bother myself with "what would Mum think?". It was a long time coming!

I'm Ok with mum if I keep the convo really really basic - weather, what I've been doing, celeb news, who's dead
But I can't go to her for help/love/reassurance
She isn't capable of it
A friend is taking me to me birth debrief today - that says it all
She was not there for me after I had my son - she booked a holiday for a week after my due date and then told me the baby "had better arrive on time"
I had - foolishly - thought she might want to help me as it was her first grandchild
You learn....slowly in my case, but you learn
It's been an epiphany actually - to realise o don't have to do stuff I don't want to

I'm Ok with mum if I keep the convo really really basic - weather, what I've been doing, celeb news, who's dead
But I can't go to her for help/love/reassurance
She isn't capable of it
A friend is taking me to me birth debrief today - that says it all
She was not there for me after I had my son - she booked a holiday for a week after my due date and then told me the baby "had better arrive on time"
I had - foolishly - thought she might want to help me as it was her first grandchild
You learn....slowly in my case, but you learn
It's been an epiphany actually - to realise o don't have to do stuff I don't want to

thiswayplease,

re your comment:-
"I am in contact with my mother for the sake of having a relationship with my DC but I don't like the woman"

As sea so rightly says you do not have to do this and I have also picked up on your above comment. It is precisely because of your children that you do not need a relationship with your mother; she was not a good parent to you so what makes you think she could at all be a decent sort of grandparent to your children?. Its a trap that many people fall into. She will not be a decent grandparent and they tend to either over value or under value the relationship with the grandchildren (also they are used as narcissist supply). Toxic stuff like this can and does go down the generations, do not let the next generation i.e. your children put up with similar from your mother. It was of no surprise to me to read that she never got on with her own mother either.

What you describe is pretty much typical in what happens in families when you have a narcissistic mother for a parent. Your whole family of origin is narcissistic what with the scapegoats (you and your sibling) and the golden child (other sibling). People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. BTW the golden child role is also a role not without price but that person is unaware of that.