Can we have a thread for those of us who are daughters with difficult mothers?

[PinkyofPie]

Been thinking about starting this thread for a while.

My mother is a difficult and sometimes toxic woman and we have a strained relationship.

I think IRL there's not enough people around like me, all my friends are best friends with their mums. My mum recently moved back to the area and all I get is "oh I bet you're so happy". Actually, no, her being closer is awful if I'm honest.

There's so much to my relationship with her, too much for an OP.

A huge bone of contention is that she knows about a family member sexually harassing me quite badly through my teens (I've posted details in another name). I'm talking flashing, suggestive language and grabbing me now and again when no one was looking. I have told her the details. This person is still very much in her life, she bigs him up to anyone who listens and can't understand why I despise him and won't be near him. She minimised his behaviour massively and We Don't Talk About It.

She also made comments along the lines of "well did you lead him on?" yes mum, I was 16 and he was 55, I was gagging for it with a relative.

being in her presence is very tiring. She has no friends so I feel pressured to see her now she's back near me. I met her today, and I am drained. I always feel like I've done something wrong, she's in a constant mood. Everything is crap, she hates any food we eat, complains about people nearby and won't look for the good in anything. Where she lived before was so much better apparently. Spending just a few hours round that negativity is exhausting.

The funny thing is she makes out to others like we extremely close. A daughter of her friend - who I had just met that night - once said to me "I'm so jealous about the bond you and your mum have"

Anyway I know MN has lots of people who feel the same so thought I would start by having a place for us long suffering daughters to share, moan, vent and generally get everything out into the open!

[twopenneth]

I could have written the OP. She's had a tough life but I've known about every dark detail from a very young age & was treated as her mental & emotional support from my late childhood. She's a massive gossip & I dread to think what she says about me behind my back to siblings but I really don't care anymore. She too has PA crap about me not spending more time with her but really, why would I want to?

[passportmess]

I'm struggling with issues like this too. My father comes from a large family with an alcoholic parent, my mother was spoiled - she was a very much wanted late only child. They are in their 70s and clash constantly, no conflict resolution skills. Recently they walked out of my house during a visit where I had inserted boundaries. The row is apparently my fault - ' and after all we've done for you'. So they walked out and went back to Australia. In not sure I'll see them again. They won't apologise. My mother emotionally abused me (and physically) as a child. She prefers my sister, who won't speak to me because I'm standing up for myself and thus 'not treating Mum and Dad properly'. I am so lucky they all emigrated to Australia.

[sashh]

Can I join?

My relationship with my mother has improved massively since she died.

[passportmess]

JT5 you will be a good mother. My mother admitted to my husband that I was a much better mother than she was and that it seemed to come naturally. I found that very sad and did feel for her. The secret is kindness, Mum.

[yummytummy]

Yes me too. Such a painful relationship. It was when I was in a very physically and mentally abusive marriage and she took his side and refused to believe me or support me and in her eyes he could do not wrong. So many other things but that made me think you are not my mother

In so many situations where people treated me badly never sticking up for me never being on my side or putting my feelings first. It hurts. Then when had court dates etc always being away or busy. Parents on holiday always over Christmas and other occasions so I am always alone with kids

They have money and I asked for a loan for solicitor fees they said no

So many things and as someone said up thread she thinks we are close and doesn't understand why I don't want to visit

Never am I right it's always my fault I have never heard I am proud of you you are better off without the ex nothing I have needed to hear it's all oh yes you couldn't hold on to your husband

It hurts a and I feel so alone. Wish I had a real mother

But seems it's common it's good to know am not alone in it

[Ariandenotgrande]

I'm in too !
Snort - I had the same thing happen at my dads funeral
I'm struggling to with a toxic, controlling and ghastly woman who has got away with it for years...but I am slowly turning a corner as I decided last week I didn't want my daughter to have to go through what I went through. I have decided to not contact her and not involve her in my life anymore than is strictly necessary. I have just got so sick and tired of it all. (Mumsnet has also made me feel less alone).
Yesterday I was looking through some old documents I had as a student that I had put in a small box. At some stage this box had been at mothers house (in between travels) but it had been in another case and not in view or obvious, in essence, it was private correspondence.
In the small box I had a sealed medium sized envelope with staples and put in another envelope with 'private' written on it and more staples. This I had then put in a folder in this box. My plan was when I was older I would open the envelope and look at my letters and writings as a 16-18 year old. I imagined it would be a lovely experience when I was old and grey..unfortunately not....DM had opened the envelopes and read everything at some stage in my travels. I asked her why - She said she had been worried about me at some stage (WTF). There was really no point saying anything as she has such poor boundaries and respect. But she removed my privacy, my time capsule and quite frankly, didn't give a fuck !

So, am currently feeling very bitter and in a way it's a good thing, as it's like constant affirmation of why I need to keep a distance.
Excuse rant, just saw this yesterday but like everyone else I have many awful examples

[Fuckoffdailymailyoufuckers]

I'm in too, sadly. Haven't spoken to my mum in six months, since just before my wedding when she decided she wouldn't come because I invited my young, innocent (half) brother. Or "a reminder that I couldn't give your dad a son".

She's a narcissist. But not the perfect, successful and polished type, she's a martyr. She gave up her life for me, as she tells everyone. She's an eternal victim. Bad things happen to her all the time, nobody helps her, nobody cares. From a very young age, like 5, she cried on me "why does your daddy not love me" or "I'm such a terrible mother, you'd be happier if I were dead".

If things don't go her way, she tantrums like a child. If that doesn't work, she goes full pathetic mode. Doesn't eat or dress for days, cries constantly, basically has a breakdown until everyone apologises to her and helps her out of her hole. It took until I was 33 to realise that this is how she controls everyone. Me especially. She could be really cruel and seriously abusive at times too, but she always denies these events. They don't exist to her.

And even writing this, I still feel so sad that we haven't spoke in months and I worry about her. I'm considering writing her a letter to see if any relationship can be salvaged. I'm a massive idiot

[Ariandenotgrande]

It's difficult to disengage from the dramatics, tears, emotional blackmail etc.
I keep having to remember it's all an act and control is the issue

[ThePianoHasBeenDrinking]

Yep. I probably won't contribute much, I'm trying to move on from her influence in my life, but just so you know there's another voice.

I'm 41 and I'm about to embark on some very expensive therapy that I really cannot afford to have, but equally cannot NOT afford to have, to try and undo some of the hardwired damage she caused.

I know from things my grandma said that she was always 'difficult' and adulthood and motherhood didn't change that.

There was a pivotal moment when I was about 2and a half/3 when she feels I rejected her and she never forgave me for it. She brought it up in the last conversation I ever had with her 4 years ago.

She has punished me my whole life for it.

The main narrative of my life was that I am unlikable, unlovable and unworthy. She told me that no one would ever love me, no one would ever want me, she was quite open with her friends about how she felt/didn't feel about me because it didn't occur to her that the fault was with anyone but me. But because I heard her saying it to other people, i assumed they thought it too.

I have only started to understand in the past 2 years that it was her and not me. I do have friends now but I don't have relationships. I believe now that I wasn't born unlovable, but that I have become so over the years because I don't know how to be loved as much as anything.

I do have friends and people like me, but I keep everyone at a distance because I believe that if they get too close they'll see what she saw and then I'll lose them. I don't even let people into my house because of it. Not even my closest friends. I feel like letting people into my house is like letting them into my soul and that if they come in, they'll see the real me.

I'm hoping that the therapy will address some of this.

[fairiesandelves]

I'm in too.
Also wouldn't know where to start. Been NC few months after tried to ruin DD wedding in any way she could. DD also gone NC with her. Finally realised mums a narc. Everything fits.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Not had any contact with mine for 36years and life is fantastic. I dread to think what state I would have been in if I had not gone NC.

Just to add I am a great mother. My dc were discussing what a complete blast there childhoods have been. If I had any doubts of how to deal with anything I would just think about how my mother would react/done and done the opposite. It never fails.

She couldn't let things go. Simple mistakes like burning the toast would be brought up again and again years later to show how incompetent I was.
I was never good enough. I was very thin because I had stomach ulcers. She refused to take me back to the doctor. The doctor said I didn't have anything wrong with me and I was referred to a psychiatrist who said the pain I was experiencing was me punishing myself. In the end when I was nearly 15 I went back to the doctor on my own and ended up having a huge argument where he sent me for a test to prove I didn't have anything wrong with me. It had been left so long I nearly died.

She is also a closet racist. My friends couldn't be anything but white English non catholic, non Jewish or anything other than non church going c of e. Who's birthdays fell under certain star signs. I wouldn't mind if she was herself white English non church going and her star sign was one which was on the forbidden list. She told people she was a different star sign because she didn't like the one she was born under.

Final straw was her trying to split up dp and I because he was a certain star sign and worked in an office not on a building site.

I could go on and on but that is for another day

[ThePianoHasBeenDrinking]

Just to add I am a great mother. My dc were discussing what a complete blast there childhoods have been. If I had any doubts of how to deal with anything I would just think about how my mother would react/done and done the opposite. It never fails.

Oh God, yes!!

I tell people that I followed the Opposite Approach To Parenting.

[Geraniumred]

Joining in. Mine's mellowed a lot, but we keep the conversation light and polite. By her own admission 'doesn't do emotions.' I remember sitting on a bus with her as an adult and struggling not to cry as there was another adult mother/daughter couple behind us just having a normal, happy conversation. Materially, she's very generous. But oh it can be painful.

[VanellopeVonSchweetz99]

Can I join?
Mine's never even met DC2 (who is nearly 6) and I'd very much like to keep it that way.

[shopaholic999]

I'm in too..

Sad thing is she can be a really nice person..but just thinks she can control me and my children. Nc for 2 years now. Just getting to grips with being emotionally abused for most of my life. Spent years walking on eggshells and wondering what mood she would be in..but then there's THAT LOOK and I know we were in for a few days silent treatment. Obviously it was me that had caused her to be like that, my awful behaviour!!

I miss her terribly but I don't miss spending my time trying to please her and feeling grateful that she was speaking to me again!

[OutToGetYou]

I only see mine at family gatherings and even then most cousins etc check with me that it's OK to invite her, saying if it means I won't come they'd rather have me than her - she's unpleasant to everyone, but less so to my brother, who I also don't contact.

The main problem is my father in fact but she enabled it and she denied it when I told her about it.

I have mother and brother blocked on fb (father doesn't use fb) as I simply don't want to see their posts.

Last year I did tentatively try some contact as my paternal g/m died and there was some contact about an inheritance. Then my mother had a hip replacement, there were a couple of emails, then.....nothing. I sent her a good wishes card for the op, but no correspondence has come since.

This is what always happens, she whines that she doesn't hear from me, tells everyone how awful it is, then when I send a light hearted email she doesn't reply. She made a huge fuss at a party my sister had for her 25th wedding anniversary about how she doesn't even know my address, she kept asking me if she emailed would I tell her it? She was getting louder and louder - I kept saying yes, that's fine, no problem. Never did email and ask me, of course. It's not about me, it's about her.
Obviously they had no problem getting my address when they needed to send me details of my nan's funeral, so it was never an issue for me.

Oh well, nc remains in place. I couldn't even say I love her (not that this would bother her, she doesn't do love at all anyway), I don't think I do. And I certainly don't like her.

[Toria2014]

I am in too.

Still in shock from her trying to kill herself in May this year. Such deceit, betrayal and rejection. It would take pages and pages to even get close to what happened and the fallout. All of which she is staunchly unapologetic about. I went NC and then caved two months later as I feel so guilty, and bottom line, I suppose, I want a happy relationship with my Mum. Even though both my parents would tell us (my sister and I) 'don't have children, the ruin your life'.

When I was pregnant with my child, I was terrified I would be the same as her, I didn't ever want to put anyone through what I felt as a child. I am early 40s and was just beginning to enjoy our relationship again through the joy of my daughter and my Mum, then she pulls this shit.

My sister will do anything to keep the peace which always makes me look like a right cunt. I am so tired of my Mother's bullshit. She has a distinct difficulty with reality. Lives like a hermit, a very well off hermit, despite not having much money left.

I can't deal with what she has done.

I don't ever want my daughter to feel about me the way I feel about my mother.

[heavenlypink]

I've never felt like I had/have a normal mother/daughter relationship. Always felt like an outsider, second rate, black sheep of the family. Then three years ago I found out my mother had 'hid' the fact that she (and subsequently me and my son) have a genetic disorder. Whilst it is variable and both she and myself are not badly effected it does explain all the difficulties my son has ever had. I find it very hard to be around her and keep contact only for my son who doesn't really understand the situation.

[Wayfarersonbaby]

Thanks for starting this thread, OP!

I don't know where to get started on my mum, but suffice to say she probably has undiagnosed histrionic personality disorder with a large dollop of narcissism....she has always been a volatile, angry, difficult, dramatic person who thrives on conflict, creating drama and upsetting people, then expects everyone to behave as though the latest drama and name-calling didn't happen. She's also relentlessly critical, nit-picking and unpleasant. It's been incredibly damaging to grow up in her maelstrom of emotional drama (and my dad is just as bad, except in a different way).

After reaching the limit of their bad behaviour recently I honestly don't know if I love them any more. Which is awful, but something has just eroded away over time dealing with it all. I'm the family scapegoat and my role is to take on all their anger so that they can feel purged - in particular my mum has been absolutely vile to me recently since I had my own DC. It's been a good lesson in how you can't depend on love being always there if you continually treat people badly. I feel sad that I don't seem to love them any more, but I don't seem to be able to recapture the feeling.

[talllikejerryhall]

I don't know where to start...

She checked out of family life when I was a kid and left properly after numerous affairs, public ally carried out in the family home. She left my sister behind and moved with a sadistic closet homosexual, who happened to loath women and girls, so you know, spending my formative teenage years with him was loads of fun.

When I asked about why she watched him say and do so many vicious things years later, she said and I quote: better you than me, and that she would do it again.

Now she has a nice boyfriend, who values family, and she's turned into earth mama, who simply doesn't understand why her difficult eldest daughter prefers to keep her distance.

I like his influence on her so dont want to tell the truth, even though it means being subjected to insults and lies.

But it's a painful thing to live with.

Thankfully seem to have bucked the trend (thanks to a loving husband who saw right through her) and doing a reasonable job parenting my kids!

[wobblywonderwoman]

Marking place. I need this thread. Just have to pop out for an hour.

[justjuanmorebeer]

I'm in too. My mum is poisionous. I think she is an actual sociopath.

She is in my life but I don't love her. She is the most manipulative person I know.

[myownperson]

I'm at the end if an awful visit with my mum. I thought she had changed - terrible in childhood, some really awful domestic and child abuse. But this week I'm thinking she hasn't changed. She just can't hit a 40 year old.

I flew with 2 DC to visit. She knows it was specifically because life has been pretty awful (house moves, end of marriage). Added to that I had an arthritis flare up and a throa infection.

I am completely shocked how she has been treating me. I ended up crying in front of my children this morning. Pretending it was because I was ill.

She's argued and belittled me constantly. The main theme being that I'm spoiling my children. Arguing in front them for ages despite me pleading with her not to. It's horrible. I won't be doing this again.

I have no idea why leaving my marriage has made her turn on me. It's really not nice.

[Hope34]

Hello

I am in too! I dislike my mother so much.

Thank you OP and I am so saddened about your experience at 16, however you are obviously strong to

I have recently moved back to my home city from living away for 20 years(which was bliss)

Eldest child of 4 , treated very much like the hired help....babysitter, cleaner etc. Minding siblings overnight from Age 9 whilst parents went away. Let in car to mind sibling whilst they ate at nice restaurants on holiday. DM refused to send me to academically good state school, but instead a rubbish private girls school as all her friends kids went there. Very lazy DM, house always filthy, no regular laundry done so never clean clothes ready for school. Would have fits of rage and wold belt me with whatever was to hand, usually the wooden oblong end of a bread knife.

They had no interest in my education, and in recent years I have self funded a third degree and am doing well. The family make moment like"more studying" and roll there eyes. They text to see if I passed an exam and when I saw I have ...no response no congratulations. The recent studying was compulsory for my job, and it was the toughest thing I have had to do as I have 2 children under 4 and do shift work. When I asked for help e.g. to mind the children one weekend every 6 months to give my DP a break.....I was told No as it was my choice to have a career. She has travelled to Dubai to help my youngest sister.....the wicked witch of the middle east

I didn't think it was that bad as didn't most kids get hit in the eighties and I wasn't sexually abused.... they provided a roof and clothes.

I am trying NC, however I get stalked .... Father(enabler) and mother random show up at my home. My father came alone this time, stays 30-40 mins after asking a set of questions. (Its all about saving face, so if their friends ask).

I also have a younger sister who is similar to my DM and she called out of the blue to demand i phone my DM once per week.

I have now written out set questions to ask them in case I am pounced on ....

[Dickachu]

I've name changed to join you all. I've been wanting to talk about my mother for a long time now but I know that most people probably wouldn't believe me. DP thinks I should write a book. Coming from a normal loving family with an amazing mother my upbringing is completely alien to him.

Just a selection of what my mother has done and this doesn't even scratch the surface!

1. kicked me out aged 16. No real reason why. I wasn't a bad kid despite what she told people. She then lied about it and told people including my stepdad that I had taken it upon myself to leave and live with my boyfriend.
   
   
   
2. i was grounded for about 4 months over the summer when I was 14 because I apparently lost my house keys. This meant i was available to look after my younger sister while she sat in the pub most days. 2 years later my stepdad and mother were arguing whilst drunk and my stepdad retrieved my house keys from their safe in their bedroom. My mum tried to say they found them in the back garden whilst cutting the grass but the day I lost them I hadn't been near the garden. I maintained from day 1 that I left them on the kitchen side and they vanished. She just wanted me as a baby sitter.
   
   
3. my mother hid my college interview letters. She didn't want me to go to college. She wanted me to get a shitty minimum waged job and pay her board. We weren't poor. She had enough money for vodka and fags each day and she would have continued to receive whatever benefits she had because the college course was full time.
   
   
4. she locked herself in her room and tried to top herself after a petty argument with my stepdad. The only people in the house were me and my brothers. I was 6 and saw her lying motionless on the bed surrounded by pills after angling a mirror under the door because she was ignoring me. My brother then had to climb out of his bedroom window, across the ledge and into hers to unlock the door to help her. She knew that if she had died it would have been her children who would find her. My brothers would have been orphaned and I would too had my own father suceeded in trying to kill himself that same day (he's a whole other thread)
   
   
5. she told one of my partners old friends (she dated my Stepbrother) that I was an awful person, I couldn't be trusted and that she wouldn't have anything to do with me at all if she was wise. This message got passed around all of his friends then which made the first time meeting them at a party quite interesting. Luckily they quickly realised it was bollocks and seem to actually quite like me!
   
   
6. when I was pregnant with my first child she told my brothers that my partner wouldn't allow me to have medical attention even though I was extremely sick with HG because he didn't want the baby anyway apparently. They went nuts and were ready to drive the 200miles between us and have it out with him. I actually had a home nurse visit me daily to give me a shot of cyclazine and I was admitted to hospital on an almost weekly basis.
   
   
7. when I was 15 it transpired that a close family friend was pretending to be an 18yo lad online and talking to a girl in my English class. This only became apparent because she asked if I knew this 18yo 'john' as he had mentioned my name. This drove me nuts as i couldn't work out who it was. I asked for his email address and it was the email of the 40+ year old family friend. He had been talking to her about Valentine's Day arrangements and 'asking her out' I reported this to the school immediately. My mum got pissed off about this when I told her and she ordered me not to tell my stepdad about it. This man continued to come round our house almost every day and would often sleep on the sofa after drinking and being unable to drive. She was fine with this.
   
   
8. when I was 16 I went camping with friends and FOF and I was sexually assaulted by an aggressive 19/20 year old. This really shook me. I told my mum the minute I got home and she didn't care. She continued doing her make-up and then left me to look after my sister while she went out to a an all day and night garden party/barbecue.
   
   
9. when I was 15 I developed a chest infection that I couldn't shift for over half a year. I had been on numerous courses of antibiotics and none of them worked. I was coughing up crap constantly and couldn't so much as walk or talk without pausing for breath. Doing both together was impossible. I missed a lot of school that year. The whole time I was off I was having to get up at 8am and walk my sister to school, including in the middle of winter in the snow because she was hungover and couldn't be arsed to get up.
   
   
10. when I was 14/15 a friend was playfully chasing me and caught the back of my ankle with his foot causing me to trip. my foot had immediately swelled to twice it's size and I couldn't bare weight at all. I phoned my mum and stepdad and explained that I needed to go to hospital and I was stuck on the middle of the park and asked them to come and get me. I was in agony. Nearly 3 hours later they finally come and got me, they was in the pub and 'time got away with them' they didn't take me to hospital. In their own words they 'couldn't be arsed to sit down there all night' I couldn't so much as put a toe on the ground without screaming in pain for about three weeks. I had to hop everywhere with the help of a walking shitty stick they kindly borrowed from someone and even now 8 years later that foot still causes me problems and pain occasionally.
    
    I talk to her as little as possible now and have done for years. She's a hideous person through and through and I can't wait until my sister is old enough so I never have to see or speak to her again.