Been thinking about starting this thread for a while.
My mother is a difficult and sometimes toxic woman and we have a strained relationship.
I think IRL there's not enough people around like me, all my friends are best friends with their mums. My mum recently moved back to the area and all I get is "oh I bet you're so happy". Actually, no, her being closer is awful if I'm honest.
There's so much to my relationship with her, too much for an OP.
A huge bone of contention is that she knows about a family member sexually harassing me quite badly through my teens (I've posted details in another name). I'm talking flashing, suggestive language and grabbing me now and again when no one was looking. I have told her the details. This person is still very much in her life, she bigs him up to anyone who listens and can't understand why I despise him and won't be near him. She minimised his behaviour massively and We Don't Talk About It.
She also made comments along the lines of "well did you lead him on?" 
yes mum, I was 16 and he was 55, I was gagging for it with a relative.
being in her presence is very tiring. She has no friends so I feel pressured to see her now she's back near me. I met her today, and I am drained. I always feel like I've done something wrong, she's in a constant mood. Everything is crap, she hates any food we eat, complains about people nearby and won't look for the good in anything. Where she lived before was so much better apparently. Spending just a few hours round that negativity is exhausting.
The funny thing is she makes out to others like we extremely close. A daughter of her friend - who I had just met that night - once said to me "I'm so jealous about the bond you and your mum have" 
Anyway I know MN has lots of people who feel the same so thought I would start by having a place for us long suffering daughters to share, moan, vent and generally get everything out into the open!
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Relationships
Can we have a thread for those of us who are daughters with difficult mothers?
PinkyofPie · 10/08/2016 00:09
Am reading through these and feel in good company. This is the first time I've vented and this comment really resonates with me: "I have found that society is generous to parents who don't like/struggle with their children but the reverse is not tolerated; and hating your mother is pretty indigestible to most people"
My dad was amazing growing up and was a real dad to my half brother who's dad was shite (my dad arranged all contact for him/drove him to his dad's every school holiday and picked him up etc etc). My mum is life's eternal victim - abusive childhood, cheating ex husband etc etc. Although I'm not sure how much of her crap to believe tbh looking back.
She used to tell me about her terrible life in detail as a kid, including how she was raped/abused etc when I was very young (8/9?). She used to constantly bad mouth my dad and call him controlling etc (yes he is quite controlling because she was out of control and somebody needed to ensure me and my brother had some security). She was a raging alcoholic and everything that went wrong was somebody else's fault (usually mean because, Yano, I was such a horrible kid and all...) and I used to find wine bottles and vodka bottles stashed and hidden everywhere, down sofa cushions/glove box of car etc etc.
I was a very independent kid and could never predict what mood she would be in - nice/nasty. I was constantly told how horrid I was etc which went nuclear when I was a teenager. She used to act as if she was scared of me, as if I was some kind of bully for not allowing her to act as a victim around ,e and accept her behaviour without challenging it. We basically didn't speak for years.
My brother has gone almost entirely non contact with all of us because my poor dad is so loyal, any contact with him means she gets brought along too. I've just had my first child and he hasn't even met her yet :( our relationship is totally destroyed.
I can't even quite write down what she does, basically it is the victimness. Everything is done to her, she is this poor innocent abused woman and it's the horrible daughter, the controlling husband, the hundreds of bosses of the jobs she's lost over the years etc that are the problem. She rewrites history to paint herself as the victim, constantly referring to how horrid I was to her when I was a kid. I wasn't horrible, I was a scared teenager that was angry at my alcoholic mother for abusing my lovely dad, for alienating my dad, for behaving as though I was nasty and treating me as such when I hadn't done anything wrong. She also was jealous at how close me and my dad were and how much effort he put into our relationship so would bad mouth me to him or be nasty to him or me so we were afraid to be happy with each other incase she got angry and started drinking again.
A few years ago I had enough and told her I wouldn't put up with being treated as though I was the problem. That I wasn't the problem she was and she needed to get a grip. Things improved for a while but now my daughter has been born she's ramped it up a notch. Telling me to be careful and that I'll know what it's like for her when my dd grows up hating me, being horrid to me as a teenager etc. I'm resisting the urge to scream NO SHE WONT BECAUSE I WONT BE AN ABUSIVE, ALCOHOLIC BITCH TO HER but it'll make it hard for my dad to see us as she will guilt him into not seeing us if I go NC with her, so I put up with her shit. I can't even force myself to smile around her anymore.
Sorry for the ramble... Have never been able to get it out before 
Itried,
I think your story is by far so upsetting I can't describe disgust I feel for your so called mother. Good on you for cutting her out of your life, she doesn't deserve children.
Don't feel guilty forgoing NC, she doesn't feel guilty for not giving you good childhood 
Name changed - but I'm in.
I've only just started going NC as it has took this long to realise how manipulative and narcissistic she is.
In my teen years the stuff I witnessed I'd never put my children through.
- different men running past me on the stairs/landing entering my mums room or leaving
- going down in the middle night for a drink and seeing strange men in the kitchen
- men washing their cocks in the sink before/after fucking my mum
- walking in on her fucking (Kitchen, Living Room , Dining room table)
- men sorting out drugs while she'd sit there half naked laughing and helping
I have a memory when she split from another husband and she was threatening an over dose and got me the youngest child to ring my dad and tell him " to see his reaction" my dad told me to phone an ambulance and he's not getting involved. My mum wailed how he was a failure and nobody wanted her. Bare in mind my mum and dad hadn't been together for over ten years at this point.
She bangs on how she was a single mum raised X amount of children by herself... Thing was once we all hit 11/12 we fended for ourselves.
She has a mob mentality, like if we had a dispute it wouldn't just be me vs her it would be me vs her and the siblings. She also has this " us against the world " mentality aswell which was depressing when younger.
The amount of our friends that would stay once and never come back because they heard my mum having sex or seen her having sex was mortifying
(The sex sounds where something else very porn like, she'd enter the bedroom and within 10 seconds would be screaming the place down with how their " an amazing fuck " " she's gonna cum " "fuck her harder with that big cock" )
The amount of times we moved house because of failed relationships ( 15 houses in 17 years!)
She thinks she can say whatever she wants without no repercussions
In the past month
- I'm a cold hearted bitch
- ive never been there for her
- I'm a let down
My own wedding she dressed like a slapper, and when people pointed out her in appropriate wedding attire she told them all Theyre jealous they havent got a body like hers
The "speech" for my wedding didn't mention me just how she was a single mum and mentioned my siblings!
and I'm now two weeks into NC and I can't tell you the relief I am experiencing. My DH couldn't understand how it took me so long to run for the hills.
I believed I was a good daughter I did everything j could, I'd ring up companies to sort out her debt and get a payment plan going only too find out weeks later she'd taken another credit card out to go and get Botox, lip fillers , eyebrows tattooed and an outfit.
I'd be on the end of the phone when she sobbed and sobbed how the worlds Against her.
Yet never once was she there for me. I remember telling her I was pregnant and her words were " stupid girl. He won't stick around"
I miscarried a few days later her words of wisdom
" good job. He wouldn't of stuck around"
I tried so hard, but she just failed as a mum.
Hi All,
SnortGrunt and Attila. I have just come back from the worst caravan holiday with my Mother ever.
Attila you told me to feign sickness and I really should have although I have used sickness before in order to avoid these stays.
So we were having a lovely time. Kids really happy. On the Saturday she handed a couple of pics to me. She said "you can cut me out of them if you want"
On the Saturday she was insistent that I stay up and watch a film she had seen. She's been banging on about it for weeks but it was the last thing I wanted to do. I said I was going to bed at half 9 and went to brush my teeth. I could her knocking things and when I opened the door to the lounge she was pacing with a familiar look - the one that scares me. Pure rage and regression into a 5 year old.
So I asked her what was wrong and she flapped, spat "I'll just talk to myself like I always do". I made some bullshit excuse and sat there watching the film, whilst she proceeded to get drunk and rub my neck like I was 5. I was quite 'off' as this is a fake scenario and went to bed around midnight.
She was pretty hungover the next morning and I was tired as we stayed up so late on the Fri which is why I wanted to go to bed early.
We came up with a plan, I sorted kids and supplies and we left to visit a local village on foot.
Now seriously, she hasn't stopped talking the entire time from the moment we arrived to now. Her stories are repetitive, or things we used to laugh at when I was 15 (I'm 40's now). I dismissed a comment - unfair possibly - and then told my DD to be careful as we were on a single track road and cars shoot up it.
She spouted "Oh you're not interested in anything I say" angrily and started to storm off. She erupted into venomous and hurtful comments. Stripping me down. Unfortunately I retaliated. I told her she doesn't shut up so there's no headspace. I told her she pulled a tantrum the night before. We were evil and people were watching. She started to shout at them too. I wasn't bothered about them. This is a scenario I have observed or been the victim of so many times but not of late as normally these incidents are so fresh in my mind but I let down my guard and I'm furious with myself.
Anyway she did her usual vanishing act so I took kids back to caravan as I had the key. I packed up the car and I should have left but I couldn't make a rational decision. Even rang OH but I guess he couldn't take it for me either. Anyway, no sign of her. I unpacked a few bits.
Took kids to pool. Bear in mind the kids witnessed all of this. It started to pour down so got them dry and went to amusements. Then back to the van and I made grub and she snuck in with a couple of bags of shopping. I acted normal
"Hiya - you had a nice time?". Childlike mode with anger. Retaliation.
She starts packing.
"I've already done that but I thought we could sort this out, draw a line under it; stay for the last night". But Mother wasn't done. She wanted to do some more (proper) damage. She told me I am miserable and how she doesn't know how my husband copes with me. She called me bipolar. She called me that as my husband called me that at Christmas (I have been reflecting on our relationship ever since).
She basically told me I was cause for breaking our family up and my Dad knows exactly what I'm like. Oh and she also blackmailed me with some information that I have hidden from my OH. That was a real gem.
So She is really winding me up. Similar treatment at 15. I threatened her she wouldn't see my kids again and no turning up on my door 6 months down the line. (I cut contact when my daughter was a couple of months olds - she ended up phoning my Dad (separated) and she turned up at my door all apologetic.)
She turned everything I had said around and that I was having a tantrum etc. That I had started 'the argument'.
Anyway I ended up having some ridiculous panic attack and sounded possessed shouting "leave me alone" trying to eat the dinner I had made, which makes me realise how unhinged I became. It was relentless and she just would not bloody stop. She kept following me. I didn't want to leave her with my kids or I would have gone for a walk to calm down for a few minutes. She's said a couple of (venomous) things to them today and yesterday that I am not happy about. And all of the above happened in front of them. DD showing signs today of anger. Hopefully I can just cuddle her and chat if she asks me anything (she's 5).
So it was all sorted by about half 7. It seems she gets some kind of fix and bonding from emotional disturbance.
I couldn't wait to get the fuck away from her today. And I seriously have no idea how to go NC as its failed before. Incidentally my brother lives abroad. Very interested to read PP accounts about siblings leaving the country.
She kept mentioning this morning 'how much she talks' dropping gems in.
And now I have driven home - 3 hours. I am completely mentally exhausted. All of my triggers have been disrupted. I have to rebuild myself from scratch. I can't trust who and what she will tell. I can't bring myself to tell her we got home safe. I hate her.
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Oh zippy. I'm so sorry to read that.
No, you're not a bitch. The way your family operates is just so unhealthy. But then, when they can't function normally in mundane situations, in crises it can hurt tenfold.
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